very angry with Mom/Family
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
very angry with Mom/Family
Not sure if anyone remembers but I talked alone with my parents a while ago about my addict brother. Heroine user since highschool, finally went to treatment 3 years ago. 6 months he was clean and sober (really). a totally different happy responsible person. They he dated this girl, they moved in, and since then hes been an addict and so has she. Through varying degrees of codependency and enabling, my mom has finally settled where she is now, and when i went to speak with her it was "Im not giving him money, Im not letting him stay here, and if he looks high he has to leave, but im not going to stop him from visiting and coming to dinner and seeing the babies (I have a 2 yr old niece and a 4 month old nephew)
I told her this in itself is enabling because she DOESNT kick him/them out when he/they are high, she just says "they work alot, theyre so tired" she told me shes been honest with her therapist and her therapist doesnt think shes enabling, and invited me to go with her and made me feel like a MORON for believing her, because of the next paragraph.
ANYWAYS
Last night my sister (who lives in my moms house with her 2 year old) tells me that my brothers addict girlfriend's parents kicked HIM out, and hes now living with a highschool friend. That he got pulled over a few weeks back driving HER car (she has DUI's and cant drive) and my MOM paid the towing/impound fees as well as his cell phone bills, not to mention picked him up and drove him .
Co dependents are their own kind of addicts in themselves, am i wrong? they are addicted to trying to help/control the addict just like the addict is addicted to the substance. Her/my brothers and sisters behavior is hurting me, but still i cant control if they enable him. Is detaching from all of them "heartless" and "just making matters worse" as people have warned me? or am I within my rights??
My other sister is getting married next sunday. After that (cause i dont want to cause drama or steal any spotlight or whatever) Im going to tell my family that I want us all to meet with the company of an interventionist so they can understand what theyre doing and we can have a united front on this. otherwise, I wont be visiting with them anymore. (we all meet every sunday for dinner and family time).
My mom is doing what my addict brother did. Making me feel crazy for suspecting that something wrong was going down, saying their getting help (she said she was going to nar anon and seeing a therapist. she is doing the latter not the former) only for me to find out later and feel that all too familiar feeling of "how was i so freaking stupid"
Thoughts?
I told her this in itself is enabling because she DOESNT kick him/them out when he/they are high, she just says "they work alot, theyre so tired" she told me shes been honest with her therapist and her therapist doesnt think shes enabling, and invited me to go with her and made me feel like a MORON for believing her, because of the next paragraph.
ANYWAYS
Last night my sister (who lives in my moms house with her 2 year old) tells me that my brothers addict girlfriend's parents kicked HIM out, and hes now living with a highschool friend. That he got pulled over a few weeks back driving HER car (she has DUI's and cant drive) and my MOM paid the towing/impound fees as well as his cell phone bills, not to mention picked him up and drove him .
Co dependents are their own kind of addicts in themselves, am i wrong? they are addicted to trying to help/control the addict just like the addict is addicted to the substance. Her/my brothers and sisters behavior is hurting me, but still i cant control if they enable him. Is detaching from all of them "heartless" and "just making matters worse" as people have warned me? or am I within my rights??
My other sister is getting married next sunday. After that (cause i dont want to cause drama or steal any spotlight or whatever) Im going to tell my family that I want us all to meet with the company of an interventionist so they can understand what theyre doing and we can have a united front on this. otherwise, I wont be visiting with them anymore. (we all meet every sunday for dinner and family time).
My mom is doing what my addict brother did. Making me feel crazy for suspecting that something wrong was going down, saying their getting help (she said she was going to nar anon and seeing a therapist. she is doing the latter not the former) only for me to find out later and feel that all too familiar feeling of "how was i so freaking stupid"
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
Hi there just thought id stop by and say I can totally understand your anger, I get angry at myself my son is the drug user in my family yes I have to agree us codependents are as addicted as the addicts themselves and some of us do not even realize what it is we are doing, some of do but are helpless to stop or have not hit our bottom, im slowly getting to mine and some of us never find that bottom and say enough is enough and although im new here I have learned so much and find all the posts very helpfull, sorry to hear what your going
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
CC.....
The loveliest thing you could do for yourself and for your family is to find help for yourself first.
you know on an airplane how they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first and then assist others? Same theory applies here.
Alanon or NarAnon meetings are for the loved ones of addicts or alcoholics. They are all over (even online) and they are free.
The book Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie is a life saving read too.
The loveliest thing you could do for yourself and for your family is to find help for yourself first.
you know on an airplane how they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first and then assist others? Same theory applies here.
Alanon or NarAnon meetings are for the loved ones of addicts or alcoholics. They are all over (even online) and they are free.
The book Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie is a life saving read too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
I have been for a long time. I've proactively educated myself on addiction and feel like I'm the only one in my family who knows anything about it. I'm on this forum literally every day, and I have detached completely from the addict. I don't really struggle with "how can I get my brother well" or anything. I'm past all that. He's put us through enough that I almost dont even see him as my brother or hope he decides to chose us over opiates cause I know thats completely futile. Im just trying to salvage my relationship with my mother and i dont know if THAT's even doable
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Honestly,
I think the same thing applies to other family members. Love them as much as you can, but back away and let them get to where you are on their own.
I understand you wanting to share what you have learned. But, they need to have the respect and dignity to figure it out for themselves.
Just be a good example and eventually they will want what you have.
I say this as the mother of a 32 year old daughter who has been in active meth addiction for 17 years.
I think the same thing applies to other family members. Love them as much as you can, but back away and let them get to where you are on their own.
I understand you wanting to share what you have learned. But, they need to have the respect and dignity to figure it out for themselves.
Just be a good example and eventually they will want what you have.
I say this as the mother of a 32 year old daughter who has been in active meth addiction for 17 years.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,984
You can't change your mother any more than you can change your brother. She's going to do what she's going to do. If it upsets you, then you need to detach from her actions. What she chooses to do in her own home is her business and if it makes you feel crazy, then it might be best if you just stayed away when you know your brother is going to be there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by suki44883 
then it might be best if you just stayed away when you know your brother is going to be there.
sorry
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
In my humble opinion.....all codies need a tune up every now and then.
Codependents in recovery know when they need to back away from the crazy.
If things are crazy, you're being hurt emotionally, and you are not backing away....then you need a codie tune up.
Just sayin'....takes one to know one : )
Codependents in recovery know when they need to back away from the crazy.
If things are crazy, you're being hurt emotionally, and you are not backing away....then you need a codie tune up.
Just sayin'....takes one to know one : )
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cc88
Through varying degrees of codependency and enabling, my mom has finally settled where she is now, and when i went to speak with her it was "Im not giving him money, Im not letting him stay here, and if he looks high he has to leave, but im not going to stop him from visiting and coming to dinner and seeing the babies (I have a 2 yr old niece and a 4 month old nephew)
Is he the father to any of these babies?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
As adults we have a right to make our own decsions, that means that your mother is going to do what she wants to and that you do not have to approve of, or, participate in her decisions.
Might be time to go no contact with the entire bunch and work on your recovery from codependency. The world won't stop revolving if you go no contact for a period of time, and, get yourself headed in the right direction.
Sorry about all of this, however, you can change even if no one else does.
Might be time to go no contact with the entire bunch and work on your recovery from codependency. The world won't stop revolving if you go no contact for a period of time, and, get yourself headed in the right direction.
Sorry about all of this, however, you can change even if no one else does.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
your mom is enableing her son but there is really nothing u can do for her just like u can do nothing for him. she has got to get sick & tired of it just like he does. focus on you & get the information that u need to help yourself. when your mom needs u she will let you know. prayers for your familly.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
"Im going to tell my family that I want us all to meet with the company of an interventionist so they can understand what theyre doing and we can have a united front on this."
Hi cc88: I hear you when you say that you've been coming for a while and are not a newbie but that you are having a bit of a crisis.
What I noticed in your thread is what I copy-and-pasted. You know that suggesting your family go see someone (anyone!) with that goal in mind (a good goal, I must say) is not going to work. You know it will probably backfire. You know they have to come out of enabling in their own time, just like you did. Just like we all did.
The morning is wiser than the evening. After you've gotten some good rest and the day is new, start pondering this whole dilemma. It might look different. Your options might look different.
Hi cc88: I hear you when you say that you've been coming for a while and are not a newbie but that you are having a bit of a crisis.
What I noticed in your thread is what I copy-and-pasted. You know that suggesting your family go see someone (anyone!) with that goal in mind (a good goal, I must say) is not going to work. You know it will probably backfire. You know they have to come out of enabling in their own time, just like you did. Just like we all did.
The morning is wiser than the evening. After you've gotten some good rest and the day is new, start pondering this whole dilemma. It might look different. Your options might look different.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
As a mom with one addict son and another son and daughter who are not addicts, I might be able to give you a view from the mom's side of things.
I love all three of my children and I know my other two have opinions on the relationship between my addicted son and myself. Their points are totally valid but then they don't live it everyday either.
Pretend I'm your mom for a moment. I can only tell you that I would resent you trying to control me if you were my daughter. It sounds like you're saying "If you don't handle your life like I want you to mom then I won't come around." You may have your opinions about how I should handle my relationship with my addicted son and I'd welcome your opinions...to a point. My daughter knew when to back off recently. You certainly may not feel like seeing your mom because she doesn't handle your brother like you think she should but that is your right and your loss. I would be hurt if my daughter wrote me off because she didn't like how I was handling things with her brother. Well, for the record, it is none of her business. Sorry but your sister 'telling' on your mom rubs me the wrong way too. I mean she is giving your sister and her child a place to live which she clearly doesn't have to do. She is ragging on mom one minute and accepting her kindness of opening her home to her the next...in my opinion.
You can no more control your mom than you can control your brother. I DO understand why you are angry but she is probably doing the best she knows how at the moment so she has the right to do that no matter who likes it or doesn't.
If I were you, I'd forge a relationship with her regardless as I know I 'need' to be with 'the good son/daughter' (as I call them to myself) once in a while. We go out and do things and try not to talk about the other son. Maybe you could think about that option. Make the topic of AB off limits for your visits. Your mom IS going to do it her way and she has that right as it is her life. You have every right to cut out AB or even mom but don't make the condition of seeing your mom dependent on her relationship with her other child. Take the high road and it will probably be better for you as well. You don't know how hard it can be for us moms. We need our other children.
Kari
I love all three of my children and I know my other two have opinions on the relationship between my addicted son and myself. Their points are totally valid but then they don't live it everyday either.
Pretend I'm your mom for a moment. I can only tell you that I would resent you trying to control me if you were my daughter. It sounds like you're saying "If you don't handle your life like I want you to mom then I won't come around." You may have your opinions about how I should handle my relationship with my addicted son and I'd welcome your opinions...to a point. My daughter knew when to back off recently. You certainly may not feel like seeing your mom because she doesn't handle your brother like you think she should but that is your right and your loss. I would be hurt if my daughter wrote me off because she didn't like how I was handling things with her brother. Well, for the record, it is none of her business. Sorry but your sister 'telling' on your mom rubs me the wrong way too. I mean she is giving your sister and her child a place to live which she clearly doesn't have to do. She is ragging on mom one minute and accepting her kindness of opening her home to her the next...in my opinion.
You can no more control your mom than you can control your brother. I DO understand why you are angry but she is probably doing the best she knows how at the moment so she has the right to do that no matter who likes it or doesn't.
If I were you, I'd forge a relationship with her regardless as I know I 'need' to be with 'the good son/daughter' (as I call them to myself) once in a while. We go out and do things and try not to talk about the other son. Maybe you could think about that option. Make the topic of AB off limits for your visits. Your mom IS going to do it her way and she has that right as it is her life. You have every right to cut out AB or even mom but don't make the condition of seeing your mom dependent on her relationship with her other child. Take the high road and it will probably be better for you as well. You don't know how hard it can be for us moms. We need our other children.
Kari
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
My sister wasn't 'telling' on my mom any more than any of us would be 'telling' on my brother for using. If we "minded our own business" about that one, my mom would still be believing "Im tired, i got no sleep" and been giving my brother money and food etc. etc. She knows I don't live there and i'm usually left out of the loop and she didn't want me to feel like an idiot for believing her when it wasn't happening the way I thought. My sister didn't do anything sneaky, she tells my mom she's wrong to her face too. She doesn't rag on her she was concerned for HER recovery as a codie and DEFENDING my mom from ME cause I was angry with my mom. She accepts my moms kindness by contributing to that household like cinderella with a happy spirit so the picture that was seemingly painted of my sister as two faced and advantage-taking isn't easy to swallow and couldn't be farther from the truth.
And my family is a very tight knitted large family. I personally don't think that the way my mom interacts with my brother is "none of my business" when she knows how its affected me, has MADE it my business by asking for my input and saying she would be open and honest w me, and then doesn't. And we don't have things on our minds and hearts that we don't talk about. we're not a family that doesn't address the elephant in the room, and if we tried, my mom and I would have an awkward relationship. It's just not how we roll.
But I understand your point. I'm not a dad just yet myself and I have no idea how it is to have an addict child and see the dynamic between them and my other non-using children and myself. Its a point I struggle with cause I can say "If it were my kid" all I want but until it IS my kid I'll never know. Thanks for the point of view.
And my family is a very tight knitted large family. I personally don't think that the way my mom interacts with my brother is "none of my business" when she knows how its affected me, has MADE it my business by asking for my input and saying she would be open and honest w me, and then doesn't. And we don't have things on our minds and hearts that we don't talk about. we're not a family that doesn't address the elephant in the room, and if we tried, my mom and I would have an awkward relationship. It's just not how we roll.
But I understand your point. I'm not a dad just yet myself and I have no idea how it is to have an addict child and see the dynamic between them and my other non-using children and myself. Its a point I struggle with cause I can say "If it were my kid" all I want but until it IS my kid I'll never know. Thanks for the point of view.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
By the way, I wasn't suggesting not to talk about the problem as a family or pretend it wasn't happening. BUT there comes a point where it becomes counter productive to continue to dwell on something that you cannot change and probably won't change to one's satisfaction. When it gets to that point instead of not seeing your mom I think it would be better to meet with her with the condition that the topic of AB is off limits if it upsets you...or her.
I know I love to see my other two and just concentrate on THEM. I feel they deserve it. I'm just thinking your mom may feel that way too.
It's all very hard for everyone in the family. Drugs just really suck big time.
I wish you and your family the best. I think a very hard hand was dealt to us all.
Hugs, Kari
I know I love to see my other two and just concentrate on THEM. I feel they deserve it. I'm just thinking your mom may feel that way too.
It's all very hard for everyone in the family. Drugs just really suck big time.
I wish you and your family the best. I think a very hard hand was dealt to us all.
Hugs, Kari
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
