Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?
Hi there! This is my first post, but would like to preface it by saying that I'm quite grateful for the people who post and contribute to this forum.
I'm finally posting now because I've browsed through here several times, should give back to the community, and I have a serious dilemma on my hands. I've tried to be as brief yet descriptive as possible. Unfortunately I'm long winded, so I hope you take the time to read such a long post from a new user.
Me: 20-year-old girl, on and off college student, waitress, I drink wine or beer once in a while but dislike drinking enough to be intoxicated.
Boyfriend: 20-years-old, struggling with addiction since early teenage years (e.g. alcohol, heroin, mdma, cocaine), a very talented yet nonprofessional comedian.
Our relationship:
We've been together for over one year. We're like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. He's my best friend and I'm his. We just happen to be lovers as well. ;P
His Addiction:
The first month of our relationship he was using but he cleaned up.
Since then, every 1-4 months he relapses.
I detect a relapse somewhat quickly, and got more perceptive to clues with each relapse. I've always made a point to be no-nonsense when he was using.
When in recovery, he attends AA regularly. His whole attitude toward sobriety would be very passionate and positive.
For some relapses, I broke up (deep down I knew I'd come back once I knew he regained sobriety). They started to lose their meaning.
Recent Events:
For two weeks or so, he'd been acting strange (cue suspicion). I hadn't enough reason to interrogate him or investigate further.
Last night, we began arguing on the phone so I came over to talk in person. Later, I checked his computer history to validate his alibi. I found that he was reading about snorting drugs.
After confrontation, I broke up with him. I got in my car to leave but lost my hardass attitude and ran back to hug him as we both cried.
We spoke for about an hour. I was telling him how conflicted I was about staying or breaking up and he listened. I prompted him to talk about how he was feeling about his relapse and our relationship. "I dunno" he said. I prodded for responses and would get irritated and change the subject to what I'm doing wrong (aka typical addict conversation technique). I gave up talking and said that he doesn't care about me, love me, or respect me. Offended, he denied it. To which I responded "Then f***ing prove me wrong!" I hopped in my car and left.
My Dilemma:
I'm sick of his frequent relapses. I dealt with them before because in our relationship, the good parts motivated me to deal with the bad parts.
I'll be distant and strong until he "proves me wrong". No problem. But after so many relapses, my trust is thin.
After the relapse before the current one, I didn't believe he was sober for a couple weeks. Even though he talked to his sponsor on the phone, exercised, ate well, was happy and healthy in general. Despite his sobriety and patience with my trust issues, our relationship was hindered and under stress.
Now that we're going through another relapse, I'm rethinking us. I love and appreciate him with my whole heart, but I love and appreciate myself as well.
I don't want to believe that he will keep relapsing. His sobriety is more successful and lengthier each time. Our relationship is practically flawless when he's sober. We love each other more each day.
But... It get more difficult to trust my boyfriend. I anticipate lies and drugs. Therefore our relationship is stressed and I'm suffering internally for a longer period of time after each relapse.
My choices as far as I can tell...
I give him another shot.
Wait out the relapse.
Endure a period of suffering and lack of trust.
Relearn to trust and enjoy our relationship.
And then (with his track record) he relapses again and I am back at square one with my choices.
-How could I cope more easily with the suffering?
-What could I do or say to prevent another relapse?
OR
I leave for good.
My self-respect and desire to take a new route in life would have to over shadow our love for each other.
No more anticipating or experience him relapsing.
Convincing myself that it was a good choice would be quite arduous.
-How do I determine if I'm going to be better off single?
-How would I reassure myself that this was the right choice?
I need some outsider opinions on my situation! Help!
You made it to the end of my post?!
I'm not only proud of you but also thankful that you took the time to read it.
I'm finally posting now because I've browsed through here several times, should give back to the community, and I have a serious dilemma on my hands. I've tried to be as brief yet descriptive as possible. Unfortunately I'm long winded, so I hope you take the time to read such a long post from a new user.
Me: 20-year-old girl, on and off college student, waitress, I drink wine or beer once in a while but dislike drinking enough to be intoxicated.
Boyfriend: 20-years-old, struggling with addiction since early teenage years (e.g. alcohol, heroin, mdma, cocaine), a very talented yet nonprofessional comedian.
Our relationship:
We've been together for over one year. We're like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. He's my best friend and I'm his. We just happen to be lovers as well. ;P
His Addiction:
The first month of our relationship he was using but he cleaned up.
Since then, every 1-4 months he relapses.
I detect a relapse somewhat quickly, and got more perceptive to clues with each relapse. I've always made a point to be no-nonsense when he was using.
When in recovery, he attends AA regularly. His whole attitude toward sobriety would be very passionate and positive.
For some relapses, I broke up (deep down I knew I'd come back once I knew he regained sobriety). They started to lose their meaning.
Recent Events:
For two weeks or so, he'd been acting strange (cue suspicion). I hadn't enough reason to interrogate him or investigate further.
Last night, we began arguing on the phone so I came over to talk in person. Later, I checked his computer history to validate his alibi. I found that he was reading about snorting drugs.
After confrontation, I broke up with him. I got in my car to leave but lost my hardass attitude and ran back to hug him as we both cried.
We spoke for about an hour. I was telling him how conflicted I was about staying or breaking up and he listened. I prompted him to talk about how he was feeling about his relapse and our relationship. "I dunno" he said. I prodded for responses and would get irritated and change the subject to what I'm doing wrong (aka typical addict conversation technique). I gave up talking and said that he doesn't care about me, love me, or respect me. Offended, he denied it. To which I responded "Then f***ing prove me wrong!" I hopped in my car and left.
My Dilemma:
I'm sick of his frequent relapses. I dealt with them before because in our relationship, the good parts motivated me to deal with the bad parts.
I'll be distant and strong until he "proves me wrong". No problem. But after so many relapses, my trust is thin.
After the relapse before the current one, I didn't believe he was sober for a couple weeks. Even though he talked to his sponsor on the phone, exercised, ate well, was happy and healthy in general. Despite his sobriety and patience with my trust issues, our relationship was hindered and under stress.
Now that we're going through another relapse, I'm rethinking us. I love and appreciate him with my whole heart, but I love and appreciate myself as well.
I don't want to believe that he will keep relapsing. His sobriety is more successful and lengthier each time. Our relationship is practically flawless when he's sober. We love each other more each day.
But... It get more difficult to trust my boyfriend. I anticipate lies and drugs. Therefore our relationship is stressed and I'm suffering internally for a longer period of time after each relapse.
My choices as far as I can tell...
I give him another shot.
Wait out the relapse.
Endure a period of suffering and lack of trust.
Relearn to trust and enjoy our relationship.
And then (with his track record) he relapses again and I am back at square one with my choices.
-How could I cope more easily with the suffering?
-What could I do or say to prevent another relapse?
OR
I leave for good.
My self-respect and desire to take a new route in life would have to over shadow our love for each other.
No more anticipating or experience him relapsing.
Convincing myself that it was a good choice would be quite arduous.
-How do I determine if I'm going to be better off single?
-How would I reassure myself that this was the right choice?
I need some outsider opinions on my situation! Help!
You made it to the end of my post?!
I'm not only proud of you but also thankful that you took the time to read it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
His disease is a chronic one that has no cure. He will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter if he is active or not. He is not working a recovery program, and he will get worse, until he seeks and follows a strong recovery program for life. Relapses are common and can happen at any time. Since he is not working a recovery program he is not relapsing, he is just a binge user.
You are so young, do you really want to spend the rest of your life living with an addict?
With someone who will keep you in the poor house, someone that you will be unable to trust? A good relationship is not built on disappointments and setbacks, it is built on confindence and trust.
Read around these forums, read all the stickies at the top of this page. Learn all you can
about addiction and codependency.
I am sorry that you are facing this, however, you have come to a good place for support
and information.
His disease is a chronic one that has no cure. He will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter if he is active or not. He is not working a recovery program, and he will get worse, until he seeks and follows a strong recovery program for life. Relapses are common and can happen at any time. Since he is not working a recovery program he is not relapsing, he is just a binge user.
You are so young, do you really want to spend the rest of your life living with an addict?
With someone who will keep you in the poor house, someone that you will be unable to trust? A good relationship is not built on disappointments and setbacks, it is built on confindence and trust.
Read around these forums, read all the stickies at the top of this page. Learn all you can
about addiction and codependency.
I am sorry that you are facing this, however, you have come to a good place for support
and information.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
Sorry you are going through this. 
My AH is a really good person, too, and our main problems in our relationship are addiction related. Knowing your background and age I would recommend you trying an Nar Anon meeting, or even Al Anon and maybe just listening. Pray if you pray, and do what is best for you first. If I had known what the road ahead of me looked like 15 years ago, I don't think I would have taken the road. If I have learned anything in this addiction for 15 years with my husband is that it always cost more than you think it will. The emotional toil is relentless. I used to be a self confident, determined woman with goals. I dabbled in drugs, but have been free of all drugs for almost 10 years. I will be 36 next month and even though I am not the "addict" I feel like I have lost myself in addiction. God Bless and good luck.
My AH is a really good person, too, and our main problems in our relationship are addiction related. Knowing your background and age I would recommend you trying an Nar Anon meeting, or even Al Anon and maybe just listening. Pray if you pray, and do what is best for you first. If I had known what the road ahead of me looked like 15 years ago, I don't think I would have taken the road. If I have learned anything in this addiction for 15 years with my husband is that it always cost more than you think it will. The emotional toil is relentless. I used to be a self confident, determined woman with goals. I dabbled in drugs, but have been free of all drugs for almost 10 years. I will be 36 next month and even though I am not the "addict" I feel like I have lost myself in addiction. God Bless and good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR...I hope you find comfort here. I do.
I'm not going to tell you to stay or go. You seem to be a very bright young woman and I believe that you'll figure it out.
I will share with you a little bit about addiction. An addict doesn't use drugs to hurt us. They can't prove their love for us by quitting. It just isn't that simple. If love could cure them, not one of us would be here. I love the addict in my life so much that if there is ANY love out there big enough to cure it (if it was possible) mine would do the trick! lol
Addiction is a progressive disease. It can't be cured but it can be managed and "suspended". There is nothing.....absolutely nothing that we can do or say that will cause an addict to quit. That desire has to come from a place deep within them and we can make ourselves quite literally crazy trying to MAKE them have a desire to stop. We just aren't that powerful.
If you decide to stay with him, do him (and yourself) a huge favor. Read everything you can about addiction and codependence. Make sure that you aren't being codependent in your behaviors. Pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Codependents are the nicest, most giving, loving caring people on this planet.....but they can inadvertently cripple other people around them. I know this because I've done it with an exhusband and my son. (I'm a slow learner. lol)
Can a relationship work with an addict who is dedicated to his/her recovery? I believe it can. Can a relationship work with an addict who is active in their addiction? In early addiction.....maybe....but as the disease progresses, it becomes a nightmare.
Those are my thoughts. Take what you need and leave the rest.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm not going to tell you to stay or go. You seem to be a very bright young woman and I believe that you'll figure it out.
I will share with you a little bit about addiction. An addict doesn't use drugs to hurt us. They can't prove their love for us by quitting. It just isn't that simple. If love could cure them, not one of us would be here. I love the addict in my life so much that if there is ANY love out there big enough to cure it (if it was possible) mine would do the trick! lol
Addiction is a progressive disease. It can't be cured but it can be managed and "suspended". There is nothing.....absolutely nothing that we can do or say that will cause an addict to quit. That desire has to come from a place deep within them and we can make ourselves quite literally crazy trying to MAKE them have a desire to stop. We just aren't that powerful.
If you decide to stay with him, do him (and yourself) a huge favor. Read everything you can about addiction and codependence. Make sure that you aren't being codependent in your behaviors. Pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Codependents are the nicest, most giving, loving caring people on this planet.....but they can inadvertently cripple other people around them. I know this because I've done it with an exhusband and my son. (I'm a slow learner. lol)
Can a relationship work with an addict who is dedicated to his/her recovery? I believe it can. Can a relationship work with an addict who is active in their addiction? In early addiction.....maybe....but as the disease progresses, it becomes a nightmare.
Those are my thoughts. Take what you need and leave the rest.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
DON'T LISTEN TO HIS WORDS. JUST WATCH HIS ACTIONS.
What do they tell you?
You can't fix him or control him. You are with a guy who lies to you, manipulates you and uses drugs. He has a few good qualities and he must talk a good game because every time he tells you he's going to quit using drugs you believe him but he hasn't quit so far and there's no proof he's really going to... so you have to decide if you are willing to accept his lies and chronic relapses in your life... How much of your time and sanity you spend waiting for him to change the path he is on.
Quitting drugs takes more than words and empty promises. It takes action. It takes recovery. To start, it would take a complete attitude change, attending meetings, new friends, a change in the places he hangs out and the things he does.
And these aren't changes that you can help him with. These changes have nothing to do with you. They must come from within him.
If I had 20 to do over again, I'd move on quickly, focus on me and my goals, and get busy living instead of wasting time waiting for a chronic drug user to turn into the man of my dreams.
What do they tell you?
You can't fix him or control him. You are with a guy who lies to you, manipulates you and uses drugs. He has a few good qualities and he must talk a good game because every time he tells you he's going to quit using drugs you believe him but he hasn't quit so far and there's no proof he's really going to... so you have to decide if you are willing to accept his lies and chronic relapses in your life... How much of your time and sanity you spend waiting for him to change the path he is on.
Quitting drugs takes more than words and empty promises. It takes action. It takes recovery. To start, it would take a complete attitude change, attending meetings, new friends, a change in the places he hangs out and the things he does.
And these aren't changes that you can help him with. These changes have nothing to do with you. They must come from within him.
If I had 20 to do over again, I'd move on quickly, focus on me and my goals, and get busy living instead of wasting time waiting for a chronic drug user to turn into the man of my dreams.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,928
No one can tell you what you should chose. Only you can make that decision. The only help we can be is to relate out experience with addiction.
As for myself, I admitted I was an alcoholic more than 20 years before I ever really tried to quit (read that as "was ready to quit"). As dissaproval of my drinking increased I began hiding it and lying about it. I got very sneaky indeed! As an alcoholic, booze ruled me, took over my life, made me completely selfish. I always put on the act to make it seem like I cared and was a nice guy, but deep down I was totally self-centerred.
When I finally, really wanted to quit I found I couldn't, at least not on my own. I struggled for another 3 years trying everything - medication, therapy, Rational Recovery, SMART, outpatient rehab. At last I was so defeated that I went into inpatient rehab for a month at a really great institution. Even then it took about a year of applying what I learned there and going to AA almost daily to make real progress.
Now that I am finally sober it's great but it was a long hard row to hoe. Sounds to me like your BF is just starting on his way down. If he wants to prevent that he's got to start now to work extremely hard at it. It has to be his main focus every day, all day. He has to totally commit to sobriety and be willing to do whatever it takes to not use.
Wish I could paint a more optomistic picture but I've been there and have many AA friends who have also been there. It ain't pretty. You might consider finding a few Al Anon meetings to get an idea what you might be in for.
As for myself, I admitted I was an alcoholic more than 20 years before I ever really tried to quit (read that as "was ready to quit"). As dissaproval of my drinking increased I began hiding it and lying about it. I got very sneaky indeed! As an alcoholic, booze ruled me, took over my life, made me completely selfish. I always put on the act to make it seem like I cared and was a nice guy, but deep down I was totally self-centerred.
When I finally, really wanted to quit I found I couldn't, at least not on my own. I struggled for another 3 years trying everything - medication, therapy, Rational Recovery, SMART, outpatient rehab. At last I was so defeated that I went into inpatient rehab for a month at a really great institution. Even then it took about a year of applying what I learned there and going to AA almost daily to make real progress.
Now that I am finally sober it's great but it was a long hard row to hoe. Sounds to me like your BF is just starting on his way down. If he wants to prevent that he's got to start now to work extremely hard at it. It has to be his main focus every day, all day. He has to totally commit to sobriety and be willing to do whatever it takes to not use.
Wish I could paint a more optomistic picture but I've been there and have many AA friends who have also been there. It ain't pretty. You might consider finding a few Al Anon meetings to get an idea what you might be in for.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
dollydo:
It is very sad that he will forever have this progressive disease. By participating in this relationship, I've accepted this grim fact.
You suggested that he's a binge user. To clarify, I mentioned that he is a member of AA and NA. He's been in the program since he was a teenager. His relapses are due to not working a program.
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with an addict? Well, I'm no where near ready to say I'd want to spend the rest of my life with anyone... But I can see how my actions imply that I want to. If I don't want to start planning the rest of my life with one person, why I keep investing myself into this relationship like I do want to be in it forever. But I do live in the present for the most part and try my best to not think too far into the future. With my relationship, I want to be in it until I figure out when I need to cut my losses before it goes under.
seekinganswrs:
I will look into local Al Anon meetings and build up the courage to finally show up to one.
I posted on a forum, there's no reason to listen in person.
I tend to be optimistic about the future, but your opinion on your own situation makes me take a realistic look at my own situation.
Unfortunately, Addiction is a disease that the family suffer from as well. I hope you find yourself somewhere inside your world of addiction.
It is very sad that he will forever have this progressive disease. By participating in this relationship, I've accepted this grim fact.
You suggested that he's a binge user. To clarify, I mentioned that he is a member of AA and NA. He's been in the program since he was a teenager. His relapses are due to not working a program.
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with an addict? Well, I'm no where near ready to say I'd want to spend the rest of my life with anyone... But I can see how my actions imply that I want to. If I don't want to start planning the rest of my life with one person, why I keep investing myself into this relationship like I do want to be in it forever. But I do live in the present for the most part and try my best to not think too far into the future. With my relationship, I want to be in it until I figure out when I need to cut my losses before it goes under.
seekinganswrs:
I will look into local Al Anon meetings and build up the courage to finally show up to one.
I posted on a forum, there's no reason to listen in person.I tend to be optimistic about the future, but your opinion on your own situation makes me take a realistic look at my own situation.
Unfortunately, Addiction is a disease that the family suffer from as well. I hope you find yourself somewhere inside your world of addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
I'm not going to tell you to stay or go. You seem to be a very bright young woman and I believe that you'll figure it out.
I will share with you a little bit about addiction. An addict doesn't use drugs to hurt us. They can't prove their love for us by quitting. It just isn't that simple. If love could cure them, not one of us would be here. I love the addict in my life so much that if there is ANY love out there big enough to cure it (if it was possible) mine would do the trick! lol
If you decide to stay with him, do him (and yourself) a huge favor. Read everything you can about addiction and codependence. Make sure that you aren't being codependent in your behaviors. Pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Can a relationship work with an addict who is dedicated to his/her recovery? I believe it can. Can a relationship work with an addict who is active in their addiction? In early addiction.....maybe....but as the disease progresses, it becomes a nightmare.
Thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
DON'T LISTEN TO HIS WORDS. JUST WATCH HIS ACTIONS.
What do they tell you?
You can't fix him or control him. You are with a guy who lies to you, manipulates you and uses drugs. He has a few good qualities and he must talk a good game because every time he tells you he's going to quit using drugs you believe him but he hasn't quit so far and there's no proof he's really going to... so you have to decide if you are willing to accept his lies and chronic relapses in your life... How much of your time and sanity you spend waiting for him to change the path he is on.
Quitting drugs takes more than words and empty promises. It takes action. It takes recovery. To start, it would take a complete attitude change, attending meetings, new friends, a change in the places he hangs out and the things he does.
And these aren't changes that you can help him with. These changes have nothing to do with you. They must come from within him.
If I had 20 to do over again, I'd move on quickly, focus on me and my goals, and get busy living instead of wasting time waiting for a chronic drug user to turn into the man of my dreams.
What do they tell you?
You can't fix him or control him. You are with a guy who lies to you, manipulates you and uses drugs. He has a few good qualities and he must talk a good game because every time he tells you he's going to quit using drugs you believe him but he hasn't quit so far and there's no proof he's really going to... so you have to decide if you are willing to accept his lies and chronic relapses in your life... How much of your time and sanity you spend waiting for him to change the path he is on.
Quitting drugs takes more than words and empty promises. It takes action. It takes recovery. To start, it would take a complete attitude change, attending meetings, new friends, a change in the places he hangs out and the things he does.
And these aren't changes that you can help him with. These changes have nothing to do with you. They must come from within him.
If I had 20 to do over again, I'd move on quickly, focus on me and my goals, and get busy living instead of wasting time waiting for a chronic drug user to turn into the man of my dreams.
I always get hung up on what's going on at the moment. I tend to not realize I'm not weighing the future into my discussions. I'll have to take a really long look at what exactly do I want my future to be before I make a decision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Charon
No one can tell you what you should chose. Only you can make that decision. The only help we can be is to relate out experience with addiction.
As for myself, I admitted I was an alcoholic more than 20 years before I ever really tried to quit (read that as "was ready to quit"). As dissaproval of my drinking increased I began hiding it and lying about it. I got very sneaky indeed! As an alcoholic, booze ruled me, took over my life, made me completely selfish. I always put on the act to make it seem like I cared and was a nice guy, but deep down I was totally self-centerred.
When I finally, really wanted to quit I found I couldn't, at least not on my own. I struggled for another 3 years trying everything - medication, therapy, Rational Recovery, SMART, outpatient rehab. At last I was so defeated that I went into inpatient rehab for a month at a really great institution. Even then it took about a year of applying what I learned there and going to AA almost daily to make real progress.
Now that I am finally sober it's great but it was a long hard row to hoe. Sounds to me like your BF is just starting on his way down. If he wants to prevent that he's got to start now to work extremely hard at it. It has to be his main focus every day, all day. He has to totally commit to sobriety and be willing to do whatever it takes to not use.
Wish I could paint a more optomistic picture but I've been there and have many AA friends who have also been there. It ain't pretty. You might consider finding a few Al Anon meetings to get an idea what you might be in for.
As for myself, I admitted I was an alcoholic more than 20 years before I ever really tried to quit (read that as "was ready to quit"). As dissaproval of my drinking increased I began hiding it and lying about it. I got very sneaky indeed! As an alcoholic, booze ruled me, took over my life, made me completely selfish. I always put on the act to make it seem like I cared and was a nice guy, but deep down I was totally self-centerred.
When I finally, really wanted to quit I found I couldn't, at least not on my own. I struggled for another 3 years trying everything - medication, therapy, Rational Recovery, SMART, outpatient rehab. At last I was so defeated that I went into inpatient rehab for a month at a really great institution. Even then it took about a year of applying what I learned there and going to AA almost daily to make real progress.
Now that I am finally sober it's great but it was a long hard row to hoe. Sounds to me like your BF is just starting on his way down. If he wants to prevent that he's got to start now to work extremely hard at it. It has to be his main focus every day, all day. He has to totally commit to sobriety and be willing to do whatever it takes to not use.
Wish I could paint a more optomistic picture but I've been there and have many AA friends who have also been there. It ain't pretty. You might consider finding a few Al Anon meetings to get an idea what you might be in for.
It may be that I need a figurative slap in the face to take of my rose tinted glasses. I've been wearing them so long that I have no idea how darkly or lightly tinted they are. I appreciate your the realistic picture you've painted.
I'll promise myself to go to an Al Anon meeting. I'll ask for his mother (who has attended some before) to join me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I haven't been with the XBF that caused me to find SR for years but it still effected me. I was really surprised one day when I was talking to someone fairly recently and I said "He quit one time for 9 months" and they replied to me "He didn't QUIT he just took a pause"
WOW
My perceptions are still screwed up. LOL
I pinned all my hopes on those little pauses at the time.
10 yrs later and he is still drinking. It hasn't killed him but it damn near killed me.
WOW
My perceptions are still screwed up. LOL
I pinned all my hopes on those little pauses at the time.
10 yrs later and he is still drinking. It hasn't killed him but it damn near killed me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 12
Hi MmeHart-
I just joined SR yesterday, and even in just one day the amount of support from others is incredible! After reading your post it seems that you have answered your own question with your "I give him another shot" points. Eventually, staying with him will lead you right back to square one. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now, and back when we were only a year or two into the relationship I noticed him drinking a lot, smoking weed, occasionally using coke. And of course I would always make an issue about it but he was so good at turning the focus around on me, like it was my fault, I was doing something wrong. Even to the point that he used to constantly accuse me of being on some type of drugs. As much as I love my boyfriend, and truly believe that we are meant to be together; Now five years later, a few thousand dollars poorer, and a flood worth of pain and tears, I truly wish that I had walked away back then. His "occasional" drinking and drug use lead into a full blown addiction that was hid from me for years and out of control. And the more I have to deal with, the more I am realizing that sometimes, love just isn't enough.
Obviously, no one can tell you what to do- but my advice for you would be to really close your heart off and think with your head. Really picture how the next few years of your life could possibly be if you stay with him. The more time that passes, the harder it will be to walk away.
I just joined SR yesterday, and even in just one day the amount of support from others is incredible! After reading your post it seems that you have answered your own question with your "I give him another shot" points. Eventually, staying with him will lead you right back to square one. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now, and back when we were only a year or two into the relationship I noticed him drinking a lot, smoking weed, occasionally using coke. And of course I would always make an issue about it but he was so good at turning the focus around on me, like it was my fault, I was doing something wrong. Even to the point that he used to constantly accuse me of being on some type of drugs. As much as I love my boyfriend, and truly believe that we are meant to be together; Now five years later, a few thousand dollars poorer, and a flood worth of pain and tears, I truly wish that I had walked away back then. His "occasional" drinking and drug use lead into a full blown addiction that was hid from me for years and out of control. And the more I have to deal with, the more I am realizing that sometimes, love just isn't enough.
Obviously, no one can tell you what to do- but my advice for you would be to really close your heart off and think with your head. Really picture how the next few years of your life could possibly be if you stay with him. The more time that passes, the harder it will be to walk away.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Only you can decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who can't stay off drugs longer than 1-4 months.
If you REALLY are serious about this and want to know if he's serious about recovery...give his actions time to show you. Take a break from drama and the unhealthy lifestyle of trying to save a drug addict. Focus on your own recovery and life during that time. Work the program you wish he would work by attending al-anon and working the 12 steps.
See if he can get and stay clean for 6 months (or better yet a year) before you decide whether or not you want to get back with him.
This is your future you are shaping. Don't take it lightly. Ask yourself, what's the HEALTHY and WISE choice for me to make?
If you REALLY are serious about this and want to know if he's serious about recovery...give his actions time to show you. Take a break from drama and the unhealthy lifestyle of trying to save a drug addict. Focus on your own recovery and life during that time. Work the program you wish he would work by attending al-anon and working the 12 steps.
See if he can get and stay clean for 6 months (or better yet a year) before you decide whether or not you want to get back with him.
This is your future you are shaping. Don't take it lightly. Ask yourself, what's the HEALTHY and WISE choice for me to make?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (21+ years), it's been my personal experience that the vast majority of addicts never ever find long-term recovery. Their "bottoms" include prison, mental institutions, and/or death.
My EXAH is one who succumbed to the disease. He was offered recovery, and chose to go back to active addiction. He died of complications due to AIDS (and also did several stints in prison).
I have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction. I doubt she sees age 40.
"Relapse" indicates there is some semblance of recovery before using again. I don't care if your BF attends AA/NA at times. He's a binge user. He has no concept of what recovery truly is, nor is he interested based on his past track record.
Attending meetings does not equate to recovery. Recovery is a lot of hard work and involves 100% dedication to the process, not off again, on again using.
Take it from a former master manipulator.
My EXAH is one who succumbed to the disease. He was offered recovery, and chose to go back to active addiction. He died of complications due to AIDS (and also did several stints in prison).
I have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction. I doubt she sees age 40.
"Relapse" indicates there is some semblance of recovery before using again. I don't care if your BF attends AA/NA at times. He's a binge user. He has no concept of what recovery truly is, nor is he interested based on his past track record.
Attending meetings does not equate to recovery. Recovery is a lot of hard work and involves 100% dedication to the process, not off again, on again using.
Take it from a former master manipulator.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Relapse is a part of addiction, not recovery. He's not done yet.
There is no such thing as an honest addict. They are not honest with themselves or anyone else. It's the nature of the beast.
Just curious. How does he fund addiction? Is he employed? Does he have a car? Is it insured? Does he have a license? These are all things that most folk take for granted. Not so with an addict.
Can you accept him as is/where is, addiction and all cause there is absolutely nothing you can do to keep him in recovery or cause a relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
There is no such thing as an honest addict. They are not honest with themselves or anyone else. It's the nature of the beast.
Just curious. How does he fund addiction? Is he employed? Does he have a car? Is it insured? Does he have a license? These are all things that most folk take for granted. Not so with an addict.
Can you accept him as is/where is, addiction and all cause there is absolutely nothing you can do to keep him in recovery or cause a relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I was going to respond to your clarification of his recovery, however, Freedom covered it. Thank U!
We are here to support you, keep posting, you may not like or agree with everything that we have to say, yet, please believe that we have your best interest at heart.
We are here to support you, keep posting, you may not like or agree with everything that we have to say, yet, please believe that we have your best interest at heart.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
But... It get more difficult to trust my boyfriend. I anticipate lies and drugs. Therefore our relationship is stressed and I'm suffering internally for a longer period of time after each relapse.
This describes perfectly what life is like with an addict/alcoholic. The suspicion, the disappointment, the hurt, it doesn't get any easier, and then you start to go numb to avoid the hurt and one day you begin to wonder where any joy in your life went.
And this does even touch on the extras like DUI's, temper tantrums, money problems, embarassement, shame, and in some cases the abuse that you never thought could happen.
If knew my AH would become alcoholic, I would never have gone this route.
This describes perfectly what life is like with an addict/alcoholic. The suspicion, the disappointment, the hurt, it doesn't get any easier, and then you start to go numb to avoid the hurt and one day you begin to wonder where any joy in your life went.
And this does even touch on the extras like DUI's, temper tantrums, money problems, embarassement, shame, and in some cases the abuse that you never thought could happen.
If knew my AH would become alcoholic, I would never have gone this route.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
Thanks for he encouragement back. The reason I said "listen" is because the first two meetings I went to I "shared" and looking back I wished I would have just listened. The last meeting I went to last week, I just listened and I got much more out of it. Sharing can be so sad, overwhelming and draining. Listening can do just as much sometimes. I wish you all the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by solost87
Obviously, no one can tell you what to do- but my advice for you would be to really close your heart off and think with your head. Really picture how the next few years of your life could possibly be if you stay with him. The more time that passes, the harder it will be to walk away.
Originally Posted by Live
I was really surprised one day when I was talking to someone fairly recently and I said "He quit one time for 9 months" and they replied to me "He didn't QUIT he just took a pause"
WOW
My perceptions are still screwed up. LOL
WOW
My perceptions are still screwed up. LOL
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
"Relapse" indicates there is some semblance of recovery before using again. I don't care if your BF attends AA/NA at times. He's a binge user. He has no concept of what recovery truly is, nor is he interested based on his past track record.
Attending meetings does not equate to recovery. Recovery is a lot of hard work and involves 100% dedication to the process, not off again, on again using.
Take it from a former master manipulator.
Attending meetings does not equate to recovery. Recovery is a lot of hard work and involves 100% dedication to the process, not off again, on again using.
Take it from a former master manipulator.
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Can you accept him as is/where is, addiction and all cause there is absolutely nothing you can do to keep him in recovery or cause a relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
If you REALLY are serious about this and want to know if he's serious about recovery...give his actions time to show you. Take a break from drama and the unhealthy lifestyle of trying to save a drug addict. Focus on your own recovery and life during that time. Work the program you wish he would work by attending al-anon and working the 12 steps.
See if he can get and stay clean for 6 months (or better yet a year) before you decide whether or not you want to get back with him.
This is your future you are shaping. Don't take it lightly. Ask yourself, what's the HEALTHY and WISE choice for me to make?
See if he can get and stay clean for 6 months (or better yet a year) before you decide whether or not you want to get back with him.
This is your future you are shaping. Don't take it lightly. Ask yourself, what's the HEALTHY and WISE choice for me to make?
On Saturday I told him that at the moment, neither of us are any good for each other. I told him no talking or seeing each other with the exception of letters through the mail. I felt that would be the safest way for us to communicate without falling back into our old relationship ways with each other. We'll be our own agents from now on.
And then on Sunday morning (5 in the god damn morning) he called me (like I told him not to) to tell me that he didn't remember anything from Saturday. And what did we talk about because he only remembers that we hung out. Breaking up the first time was hard enough, but I still had to break up again a second time! Gah!
Sunday evening he was sending me text messages which I wouldn't reply to. Eventually one said "How'd he do it?! In the shower with a Knife!" So I immediately called his brother and told him what he had said and to call me later when the situation was figured out. The (now ex)boyfriend called me after his brother went to check up on him and told me he had cut his wrists and no matter how many family members I sent over, today would be the day he died. An hour later he called me to tell me that he will be fine and that he's at the hospital. Phew.
Later that night the exboyfriend called me to apologize for making me worry and for being so cruel. I listened to him apologize and told him that we're going back to no phone calls or texts. Only letters in the mail. Then hung up.
His mother and I are planning on going to Al-Anon meetings together soon. I feel like this whole decision was the best choice by far. I'll keep my distance and live my own life for however long I feel necessary. I would say 6 months to a year, but I'd rather not put a time frame on it. With my heart distant from him, I'll be able to heal and more wisely judge when we can be together. But I'm not betting on ever being together. It's quite possible I'll just move on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
My grandfather (one of the best people I ever knew of in existence) used to tell me "A wise person learns quickly from his mistakes. A REALLY wise person learns from other peoples mistakes"
There are plenty on here who would have killed to know what they know now and turned the other way at the fork in the road instead of the way they DID turn. Listen/Learn from them.
There are plenty on here who would have killed to know what they know now and turned the other way at the fork in the road instead of the way they DID turn. Listen/Learn from them.
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