Are there ever any happy endings for couples with a RA and a Codie?
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
Are there ever any happy endings for couples with a RA and a Codie?
I've read many stories on here and it seems that many relationships end in divorce...even after the alcoholic goes into recovery and is sober for a long period of time.
I was wondering if anyone has any happy endings? Is it possible for an alcoholic to go into recovery and live a happy life with his/her significant other (who may or may not be a codie)?
I was wondering if anyone has any happy endings? Is it possible for an alcoholic to go into recovery and live a happy life with his/her significant other (who may or may not be a codie)?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
PickMe -
You have to remember that many come on her to vent and find support. Someone in a stable, happy relationship probably wouldn't need the support of an online forum.
I have a cousin who used to have addiction problems but is now in a happy marriage with another baby on the way. Any added stress in a relationship can make staying together hard, but that doesn't mean its impossible.
If you feel a little down by reading all the sad stories on here - maybe try reading a good book that deals with these issues that doesn't end so tragically. There's this book called "Redeeming Love" that a student recommended to me. I haven't read it yet but she told me it talks about unconditional love, and its definitely on my "to read" list.
Hope this helps.
Panther
You have to remember that many come on her to vent and find support. Someone in a stable, happy relationship probably wouldn't need the support of an online forum.
I have a cousin who used to have addiction problems but is now in a happy marriage with another baby on the way. Any added stress in a relationship can make staying together hard, but that doesn't mean its impossible.
If you feel a little down by reading all the sad stories on here - maybe try reading a good book that deals with these issues that doesn't end so tragically. There's this book called "Redeeming Love" that a student recommended to me. I haven't read it yet but she told me it talks about unconditional love, and its definitely on my "to read" list.
Hope this helps.
Panther
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
I came here to vent and to learn. My RABF and I are working hard to concentrate on our programs and still maintain our relationship and honestly, it's been getting better since I started going to Al-Anon but yes, the depressing stories worry me.
I still feel I have received wonderful support here though so I keep coming back.
I still feel I have received wonderful support here though so I keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CT
Posts: 20
It's funny. My husband is 2 weeks sober and seems to be having an easier time with his recovery then I am. His attitude is about looking forward. I wish I could feel the same way, but there is so much hurt and pain in our past. He wasn't feeling it, the alcohol numbed him. But I sit here wondering how I am to get past the years of constant lies and betrayals along with the hurt that came with it. I have this big gaping wound that needs to heal before I can move on. It seems like such a waste to have endured the hard times with his drinking only to give up at a point where he is getting well. I wonder every day how I can move past the resentment.
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by headheldhigh 
It's funny. My husband is 2 weeks sober and seems to be having an easier time with his recovery then I am. His attitude is about looking forward. I wish I could feel the same way, but there is so much hurt and pain in our past. He wasn't feeling it, the alcohol numbed him. But I sit here wondering how I am to get past the years of constant lies and betrayals along with the hurt that came with it. I have this big gaping wound that needs to heal before I can move on. It seems like such a waste to have endured the hard times with his drinking only to give up at a point where he is getting well. I wonder every day how I can move past the resentment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I think that some relationships do have a happy ending, I know people that live with active alcoholics and are pretty happy. They love that person and can't imagine a life without them. I also know people who live with recovered alcoholics and do just fine.
People come here because we are frustrated, lost, don't know what to do, how to help ourselves and really getting to or at our breaking points.
People come here because we are frustrated, lost, don't know what to do, how to help ourselves and really getting to or at our breaking points.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Hi PickMe
I don't want to give you false hope because so many of us cling to any hope at all way, way, WAY beyond reason.
That said, my wife and I after a 13-year odyssey with alcoholism, co-dependency, and passive-aggression find ourselves together and in recovery today.
The cost? Our daughter's childhood and any hope of a normal life, three houses, two cars, and my life savings.
Was it worth it? I don't know. It depends on when you ask me. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes.. I don't ******* know.
Would I do it again? No. There is no question of this. No matter when you ask me the answer will always be no.
Am I guaranteed she won't relapse? No. It's one day at a time. After eight months so far so good.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
That said, my wife and I after a 13-year odyssey with alcoholism, co-dependency, and passive-aggression find ourselves together and in recovery today.
The cost? Our daughter's childhood and any hope of a normal life, three houses, two cars, and my life savings.
Was it worth it? I don't know. It depends on when you ask me. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes.. I don't ******* know.
Would I do it again? No. There is no question of this. No matter when you ask me the answer will always be no.
Am I guaranteed she won't relapse? No. It's one day at a time. After eight months so far so good.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I believe there can be happy endings, for each of us. There are never any guarantees with another person, but now that my rabf and I are forging a new, healthier relationship with both of us working on recovery each on our own, I am optimistic. I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok.
However, we are older, we have had our children with other people, we have no reason to marry, so I cannot honestly say what I would do if I were at the stage in my life where I were choosing a partner with marriage and children in my future.
However, we are older, we have had our children with other people, we have no reason to marry, so I cannot honestly say what I would do if I were at the stage in my life where I were choosing a partner with marriage and children in my future.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by PickMe
Yeah, I was feeling all good about the relationship but now he canceled on me again. Why am I doing this to myself.
I don't know how many times I've been told that the only one you can control is yourself and the only thing you can change is yourself. Alcoholism and drug addiction really does have a type of merry go round effect, things go great, then they bomb, then they're great, then they bomb. Normally, it does continue this way until either the alcoholic partner gets help and is serious or the other partner just gets tired of it.
Having said that, I'm sorry it happened and that you were let down.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I also like to hear the stories of happy endings. I know that if my husband stops drinking our life will not be rosy. We will have to work on trust and respect issues big time. I also hear about people who say recovery can be harder than active drinking. And of course there is always the possibility of relapse. That's a lot of unknowns. BUt I love hearing about couples who are making it- one day at a time. It makes me feel like maybe I am not foolish to keep hoping and wishing and praying.
Headheldhigh-I just heard this quote tonight "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will ever be better."
It wont be different and you can't erase the hurt. But maybe you can focus on the hard lessons you learned through those difficult times. Al anon meetings and readings have helped me a great deal to let go of my resentments and anger.
Cyranoak-
Do you mean you would not go through it again in the future if she relapses or that you regret having gone through it to begin with?
BTW, I appreciate your honest posts.
Was it worth it? I don't know. It depends on when you ask me. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes.. I don't ******* know.
Would I do it again? No. There is no question of this. No matter when you ask me the answer will always be no.,
Cyranoak
Headheldhigh-I just heard this quote tonight "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will ever be better."
It wont be different and you can't erase the hurt. But maybe you can focus on the hard lessons you learned through those difficult times. Al anon meetings and readings have helped me a great deal to let go of my resentments and anger.
Cyranoak-
Do you mean you would not go through it again in the future if she relapses or that you regret having gone through it to begin with?
BTW, I appreciate your honest posts.
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
Was it worth it? I don't know. It depends on when you ask me. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes.. I don't ******* know.
Would I do it again? No. There is no question of this. No matter when you ask me the answer will always be no.,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Yes there are happy endings. I know a couple who have a great relationship but he was in recovery going to meetings etc and they've been together through it all.
My thoughts.. If he/she grew up in a healthy environment, then I think they probably have a better model then say someone who grew up with alcoholic parents and then became an alcoholic.
Or if the alcoholic wasn't abusive or completely destructive to the family then there is maybe less resentment built up.
But yeah, sometimes I wish there were more 'good' stories.
My thoughts.. If he/she grew up in a healthy environment, then I think they probably have a better model then say someone who grew up with alcoholic parents and then became an alcoholic.
Or if the alcoholic wasn't abusive or completely destructive to the family then there is maybe less resentment built up.
But yeah, sometimes I wish there were more 'good' stories.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
You can decide whether or not my story qualifies as a "happy ending" as we are still in the pretty early stages and sadly alcoholism is a lifelong battle and relapses are always a risk... that being said... we are really happy right now and our future looks very bright together.
My RAH had a serious alcoholic past... we met while he was in recovery and traveled together for work purposes for several months. We fell in love... he relapsed and the nightmare began for this codie ACOA.
For two years I watched this man struggle with this evil disease that put him in the hospital or a jail cell... he simply could not stop if he started drinking and nearly drank himself to death on several occassions.
Knowing that he wanted to stay sober and that he truly loved me made it so much more difficult to do what I was finally forced to do... I went no contact knowing that it most likely was a death sentence. I turned him over to God and prayed "whatever it takes and Your perfect will".
He didn't die but he got arrested and grossly overcharged for a very stupid act (touching tip money in a restaurant) and was charged with "Strong Arm Robbery" with a possible 15 year prison sentence! He went into rehab and stayed 4 and half months and attended over 300 AA meetings in that time. The miracle happened and he has been sober ever since (9 months).
Sobering up in jail and detoxing off of benzodiazepines (14 days of no sleep, nightmares when you do sleep, extreme anxiety and other horrible detox symptoms) and realizing how serious his charge was along with losing me... (still no contact) made him determined to do "whatever it took" like a drowning man reaching for a lifering.
He agreed to go into rehab and stayed 4 and half months and attended over 300 AA meetings in house and around the city. They wouldn't let him work the steps at the facility (stupid is as stupid does) but as soon as he was released he worked the entire 12 steps and continues to practice them every day.
He works with his pastor (recovered as well), counsels weekly with a Dr. of psychology who is also a pastoral counselor as well as attends at least on GOOD AA meeting a week (Big Book Study). In short, he is always working on himself... becoming the man God created him to be and always trying to lose his alcoholic behaviors and thinking that are so deeply ingrained and often automatic responses. We also attend church and believe that our miracle is directly attributed to our HP (Jesus C. in our case).
I attend the Big Book study, work on myself constantly as well (Alanon, lots of reading on addiction, recovery, codependency etc) and we also counsel together with our psychologist on relationship building.
It isn't easy but relationships never are! More than 50% fail without alcohol or addiction! But miracles do happen but only if we are willing to the hard work on ourselves and give more than we expect to receive from oneanother. WE both try to give 60% to the relationship and not worry about who is giving more. We know eachother love language ... I prefer service and he prefers gifts.
Will we make it forever? If he relapses it will be because he didn't do what his HP has shown him are his responsibilities for his recovery and I will immediately step back and allow God to do "whatever it takes" again. We have a relapse plan in place and he has told me to get him back into rehab immediately if he relapses... by whatever it takes. If he is out of it to get a Marchman Act order. We see an attorney next week to see about his ability to put that into writing to make it easier to get a court order if he cannot think for himself in a relapse situation.
Life is uncertain... life with an active alcoholic or a recovered alcoholic is even more uncertain. Disaster can happen at any time just because they have a weak moment in a society that bombards us constantly with images encouraging us to drink and drug.
This is my reality and I have accepted it. Was it worth it? Would I do it over again? I don't think so ... we were so happy and blissfully in love before his first relapse and we have not recaptured that euphoric magic. I love him so much but to have experienced his alcoholic self, the dark and evil side is something that scars because you know that it is lurking waiting for the right moment to derail everything.
So I live in the moment and I am happy and our lives are very good right now and only time will tell if we live happily ever after ... right now it is one day at a time.
My RAH had a serious alcoholic past... we met while he was in recovery and traveled together for work purposes for several months. We fell in love... he relapsed and the nightmare began for this codie ACOA.
For two years I watched this man struggle with this evil disease that put him in the hospital or a jail cell... he simply could not stop if he started drinking and nearly drank himself to death on several occassions.
Knowing that he wanted to stay sober and that he truly loved me made it so much more difficult to do what I was finally forced to do... I went no contact knowing that it most likely was a death sentence. I turned him over to God and prayed "whatever it takes and Your perfect will".
He didn't die but he got arrested and grossly overcharged for a very stupid act (touching tip money in a restaurant) and was charged with "Strong Arm Robbery" with a possible 15 year prison sentence! He went into rehab and stayed 4 and half months and attended over 300 AA meetings in that time. The miracle happened and he has been sober ever since (9 months).
Sobering up in jail and detoxing off of benzodiazepines (14 days of no sleep, nightmares when you do sleep, extreme anxiety and other horrible detox symptoms) and realizing how serious his charge was along with losing me... (still no contact) made him determined to do "whatever it took" like a drowning man reaching for a lifering.
He agreed to go into rehab and stayed 4 and half months and attended over 300 AA meetings in house and around the city. They wouldn't let him work the steps at the facility (stupid is as stupid does) but as soon as he was released he worked the entire 12 steps and continues to practice them every day.
He works with his pastor (recovered as well), counsels weekly with a Dr. of psychology who is also a pastoral counselor as well as attends at least on GOOD AA meeting a week (Big Book Study). In short, he is always working on himself... becoming the man God created him to be and always trying to lose his alcoholic behaviors and thinking that are so deeply ingrained and often automatic responses. We also attend church and believe that our miracle is directly attributed to our HP (Jesus C. in our case).
I attend the Big Book study, work on myself constantly as well (Alanon, lots of reading on addiction, recovery, codependency etc) and we also counsel together with our psychologist on relationship building.
It isn't easy but relationships never are! More than 50% fail without alcohol or addiction! But miracles do happen but only if we are willing to the hard work on ourselves and give more than we expect to receive from oneanother. WE both try to give 60% to the relationship and not worry about who is giving more. We know eachother love language ... I prefer service and he prefers gifts.
Will we make it forever? If he relapses it will be because he didn't do what his HP has shown him are his responsibilities for his recovery and I will immediately step back and allow God to do "whatever it takes" again. We have a relapse plan in place and he has told me to get him back into rehab immediately if he relapses... by whatever it takes. If he is out of it to get a Marchman Act order. We see an attorney next week to see about his ability to put that into writing to make it easier to get a court order if he cannot think for himself in a relapse situation.
Life is uncertain... life with an active alcoholic or a recovered alcoholic is even more uncertain. Disaster can happen at any time just because they have a weak moment in a society that bombards us constantly with images encouraging us to drink and drug.
This is my reality and I have accepted it. Was it worth it? Would I do it over again? I don't think so ... we were so happy and blissfully in love before his first relapse and we have not recaptured that euphoric magic. I love him so much but to have experienced his alcoholic self, the dark and evil side is something that scars because you know that it is lurking waiting for the right moment to derail everything.
So I live in the moment and I am happy and our lives are very good right now and only time will tell if we live happily ever after ... right now it is one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
What I meant was this...
...I've said a million times that if she relapsed again I would leave her forever. I've only left her once, it was several years ago, and I let her come home two years later. Since then, I've said thousands of times that if she relapsed I'd leave her forever. I didn't.
Now she's 8 months sober and I'm starting to have hope. If she relapses I'll be crushed. I won't die, my life won't be over, but I'll be crushed. Will I leave? I hope so. Will I leave? Probably not.
Now, having said all of that, if I could magically go back to the beginning when I met her and not start our relationship I'd do it immediately and I wouldn't think twice about it. I REGRET HAVING GONE THROUGH IT TO BEGIN WITH.
If there were such a thing as a do-over I'd do it over in an instant and I'd stay with the woman I broke up with to date my wife. Incidentally, I dumped her because she was smart, independent, healthy, and didn't need me. She loved me, wanted to stay with me, but didn't need me so I dumped her the moment a needy single mom came along who showed an interest in me. Jackpot!!!
The lesson, as always, is that I'm an idiot.
Cyranoak
Now she's 8 months sober and I'm starting to have hope. If she relapses I'll be crushed. I won't die, my life won't be over, but I'll be crushed. Will I leave? I hope so. Will I leave? Probably not.
Now, having said all of that, if I could magically go back to the beginning when I met her and not start our relationship I'd do it immediately and I wouldn't think twice about it. I REGRET HAVING GONE THROUGH IT TO BEGIN WITH.
If there were such a thing as a do-over I'd do it over in an instant and I'd stay with the woman I broke up with to date my wife. Incidentally, I dumped her because she was smart, independent, healthy, and didn't need me. She loved me, wanted to stay with me, but didn't need me so I dumped her the moment a needy single mom came along who showed an interest in me. Jackpot!!!
The lesson, as always, is that I'm an idiot.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by jamaicamecrazy
Cyranoak-
Do you mean you would not go through it again in the future if she relapses or that you regret having gone through it to begin with?
BTW, I appreciate your honest posts.
Do you mean you would not go through it again in the future if she relapses or that you regret having gone through it to begin with?
BTW, I appreciate your honest posts.
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by seekingcalm
I believe there can be happy endings, for each of us. There are never any guarantees with another person, but now that my rabf and I are forging a new, healthier relationship with both of us working on recovery each on our own, I am optimistic. I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok.
However, we are older, we have had our children with other people, we have no reason to marry, so I cannot honestly say what I would do if I were at the stage in my life where I were choosing a partner with marriage and children in my future.
However, we are older, we have had our children with other people, we have no reason to marry, so I cannot honestly say what I would do if I were at the stage in my life where I were choosing a partner with marriage and children in my future.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
