Wow, I finally told him it was over.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Wow, I finally told him it was over.
I first posted here a few years back and then dropped away. I found myself wafering between leaving and staying, I just couldn't justify it to really say I'm leaving. So I stayed.
I dealth with lies, BS, drinking, drinking/driving, adultery, emotional/verbal abuse and some physical, not to mention subjecting my kids to all of this. I don't know what I was really thinking, I guess my name says it all "Inahaze".
Today, after all these years together, I told him today that I was leaving. He's been pestering me that we needed to talk, but made sure that he was never home TOO talk. Seriously, I can literally tell you on two hands how many hours I saw him the past week and we live together! There's always a reason or excuse that he needed to be gone and of course, always a justification.
Today I had enough, I confronted him about everything and told him that I was done. I couldn't deal with things any longer, I can't not see him as the person he's been with me. He took it very well, I kind of figured he would because he's been sending me texts and telling me that he wouldn't blame me for leaving because of the way he's treated me in the past.
I really did it though. My moment of having taken enough wasn't a firestorm, it wasn't when we had been in an arguement and it wasn't when he had been drinking (he hasn't drank near me in 1.5yrs). It came when my head was clear. I still hurt, I still regret that things turned out as it has, I still feel a certain love for him, BUT I feel a greater sense of relief.
I should be a priority in my husband's life, not someone that comes in at the bottom.
On a side note-he said we would talk about it further this evening, but like every other day he came home long enough to do his usual griping to us, changed clothes and left. And still not home, so I guess we won't be continuing the conversation as we really haven't ever mattered that much to him.
I dealth with lies, BS, drinking, drinking/driving, adultery, emotional/verbal abuse and some physical, not to mention subjecting my kids to all of this. I don't know what I was really thinking, I guess my name says it all "Inahaze".
Today, after all these years together, I told him today that I was leaving. He's been pestering me that we needed to talk, but made sure that he was never home TOO talk. Seriously, I can literally tell you on two hands how many hours I saw him the past week and we live together! There's always a reason or excuse that he needed to be gone and of course, always a justification.
Today I had enough, I confronted him about everything and told him that I was done. I couldn't deal with things any longer, I can't not see him as the person he's been with me. He took it very well, I kind of figured he would because he's been sending me texts and telling me that he wouldn't blame me for leaving because of the way he's treated me in the past.
I really did it though. My moment of having taken enough wasn't a firestorm, it wasn't when we had been in an arguement and it wasn't when he had been drinking (he hasn't drank near me in 1.5yrs). It came when my head was clear. I still hurt, I still regret that things turned out as it has, I still feel a certain love for him, BUT I feel a greater sense of relief.
I should be a priority in my husband's life, not someone that comes in at the bottom.
On a side note-he said we would talk about it further this evening, but like every other day he came home long enough to do his usual griping to us, changed clothes and left. And still not home, so I guess we won't be continuing the conversation as we really haven't ever mattered that much to him.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
(((Inahaze))) I hope that in the future you will look back on this day and accept that it is a beginning as well as an end. It could very well be the start of a WONDERFUL life for you! You are stronger than you know and you are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
(((Inahaze)))
Even after my ex-ABF got clean, I also felt like I was the last thing on his list of priorities.
It wasn't like he was going to meetings for his recovery. He was spending time with his father and uncle, going on fishing trips, and playing World of Warcraft. There just didn't seem to be an us.
If I may ask, where does your husband say he is going?
Lithloren
Even after my ex-ABF got clean, I also felt like I was the last thing on his list of priorities.
It wasn't like he was going to meetings for his recovery. He was spending time with his father and uncle, going on fishing trips, and playing World of Warcraft. There just didn't seem to be an us.
If I may ask, where does your husband say he is going?
Lithloren
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Good for you. Don't look back. Don't give him another last chance for the 100th time. Don't listen to him, as he will say and do anything.
Even though I don't know you, I know exactly how you feel and what you've been through.
Be strong.
Even though I don't know you, I know exactly how you feel and what you've been through.
Be strong.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Im right there with you Inahaze. I too was here, and then gone for awhile... and now back because I realize that I have had enough. I'm too a point where I'm finally ready to walk away. The choice isn't being born out of rage, or extreme emotion. Just a peaceful calm and awareness of my surroundings.
You deserve to be happy, joyous and free... and good for you for making it YOUR top priority!!
You deserve to be happy, joyous and free... and good for you for making it YOUR top priority!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
The emotions that I've been feeling the past 24hrs is a whirlwind. One moment I'm relieved, another I'm mad, and another that says I want to stay here. It's crazy really. I've thought about this for so long, I tried to prepare myself because I knew the roller coaster that I would be getting on, but understanding vs living something is totally different.
We're already talking about who's going to take what, he's trying to talk me out of fiiling for court ordered child support and said that if I did that then that is ALL I would get out of him. He's already told his mom, dad and grandpa, therefore all of his family is going to know. But he doesn't want to tell our daughter until we talk about it a little more? I don't get that part.
We've been talking, he doesn't understand why I can't get past all of it so we can have our life together. I'm not arguing, I don't want to...I just want it done....even if it is hurting me at this moment.
Geeze, my post is probably scatter brained right now because that's how I'm feeling. The only thing that I'm sure about at this very moment is that I am standing firm in leaving because I know that's what I want and what I need and what needs to be done. I deserve to be with someone that is never going to call me names, that needs a beer cooler to go to town or someone that I'm going to have to worry about drinking again after he quits. Most importantly I want someone that I can trust and that I will always make me feel that I am their most important priority.
We're already talking about who's going to take what, he's trying to talk me out of fiiling for court ordered child support and said that if I did that then that is ALL I would get out of him. He's already told his mom, dad and grandpa, therefore all of his family is going to know. But he doesn't want to tell our daughter until we talk about it a little more? I don't get that part.
We've been talking, he doesn't understand why I can't get past all of it so we can have our life together. I'm not arguing, I don't want to...I just want it done....even if it is hurting me at this moment.
Geeze, my post is probably scatter brained right now because that's how I'm feeling. The only thing that I'm sure about at this very moment is that I am standing firm in leaving because I know that's what I want and what I need and what needs to be done. I deserve to be with someone that is never going to call me names, that needs a beer cooler to go to town or someone that I'm going to have to worry about drinking again after he quits. Most importantly I want someone that I can trust and that I will always make me feel that I am their most important priority.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I took the child support as a threat as well, even though he tried to say that it wasn't. He says it's just his opinion on child support, that it's made for dad's that aren't a part of their kids lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I'm waiting until I get all of my stuff out of his place completely before I go further into the legal matters. I'm trying to be very calm and collected at this point, I don't want to argue until that's done because I know he'll turn nasty fast.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
let go now, and let god...this too shall pass....and take it one day at a time...AM i the slogan queen today or what?! *lol* because i use them every single day...refreshing...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Re child support, it's hard to imagine that any judge would grant a divorce where there are children involved and NOT order child support -- no matter what the parents want or don't want. They really don't give a hoot what you want -- they are there to protect the children. Ordering child support is most definitely in their best interest.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I told my RAH that I didn't want child support. I wanted to know that when he had the boys he could actually afford to DO something with them...even if it's rent a movie. If I took the child support he'd barely be scraping by w/ what he makes...but.....then again that's what happens when you are faced w/ the reality of your choices for the past 20 yrs.
How do I feel about it now?
I feel I want my boys happy. I don't want him telling them 'we can't order pizza, your mom takes all my money' and them feel put in the middle.
If I don't NEED the money to make ends meet I don't plan on taking it.
I've even thought ahead on this one being that it's really tough to get a Judge to sign off on no child support here in Houston...
I am not above turning around and writing him a check if the judge makes it a garnishment order...once I get a check, I'll write him a check for the same amount.
Trust me it's a small price to pay to have him out of my life.
How do I feel about it now?
I feel I want my boys happy. I don't want him telling them 'we can't order pizza, your mom takes all my money' and them feel put in the middle.
If I don't NEED the money to make ends meet I don't plan on taking it.
I've even thought ahead on this one being that it's really tough to get a Judge to sign off on no child support here in Houston...
I am not above turning around and writing him a check if the judge makes it a garnishment order...once I get a check, I'll write him a check for the same amount.
Trust me it's a small price to pay to have him out of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I didn't want it either. We negotiated me keeping the house in exchange for him not paying child support. In CA, you cannot trade property for child support, so our agreement had to specify that we both were aware of what the amount of child support would be, if ordered, but agreed not to have it ordered at that time.
Turns out, the housing crisis pretty much screwed me over in terms of the value of the house. I can still have child support ordered at any time if I wish, but I don't need it and don't want to create tension, so I'm letting it go. If my kids were younger though, I might consider it.
L
Turns out, the housing crisis pretty much screwed me over in terms of the value of the house. I can still have child support ordered at any time if I wish, but I don't need it and don't want to create tension, so I'm letting it go. If my kids were younger though, I might consider it.
L
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