Ladybug0130

New here...my husband has been drinking for many years but it was manageable until the past year. He is also depressed and was trying to take different anti-depressants and Xanax while consuming large amounts of vodka and well, you can imagine how well that all went.

Anyway, he went in to a 28 day program at Hazelden about six weeks ago. It was a wonderful place, he did beautifully there. I was so hopeful. Once he got home, he was amazing...for about a week. Then the same patterns slowly started back up. He started making excuses about why he didn't want to go to meetings (it's late, I just want to relax with the family, blah blah blah) and decided to become the go-to counselor for all his rehab friends who were struggling while pretending he was a recovery rock star who no longer had any problems and was completely cured. He was acting way too overconfident for his own good. I was worried.

Sure enough, tonight he got completely wasted. He also admitted to drinking Xmas eve and I realize now I thought he might be drunk then but was in denial. I don't think he is ready to be sober, I don't think he can do it, I know he doesn't want to be like this. He is intelligent and successful, but he is emotionally 4 years old. I am crushed. We have two little kids, 2 and 6. The 6 year old knows what's going on but doesn't want to talk about it. I need to get my 6 year old out of here before he sees even more. I know my future if I stay, it will just be more chaos, disappointments and broken promises. I am not asking for advice about if I should leave so much as letting off steam. It's hard to finally come to the conclusion it's over.

Has anyone on this forum left a spouse? I am starting to become overwhelmed by all I have to do. I have to get a job (I quit about a year ago to deal with all of this), sell a house, call an attorney, and so on. I know I have to take it one step at a time, but it's all so daunting!!! Any words of wisdom related to leaving would be helpful.

ferry

I'm almost in the same situation with my wife. We don't have kids but everything else is the same, sell the house, find job, start again. I need to do it this time, I feel like I've lost part of my life to alcoholism. I think in the end we all feel that we have to let go of it, sooner or later. I wish I'd done it 3 years ago. If I/we dont do it now, I will be saying 4 years this time next year, and so on, and so on, till life is over.

endlesspatience

I notice that you say your husband was depressed. I am sorry to hear that. Was he aware that consuming large amounts of alcohol often has a powerful depressive effect and can counter the effect of anti-depressive drugs? Also, what do you think the reasons were that his recovery collapsed a week after he apparently successfully completed a 28 spell in the clinic? Do you, or he, think it is salvagable? Is he drinking every day at the moment?

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

We are here to support you. We understand what it is like living with alcoholism. Alcoholism is a family disease.

You are a good mom in recognizing that your children are being effected by his alcoholism.

I remember facing sooooo many choices and feeling overwhelmed. I knew that I needed to leave my alcoholic, I knew I needed to find a better income, I knew I needed to find housing for mysel(2 kids & 2 pets), I knew I needed to file for divorce/seperation. I was stressed.

I picked up the phone and called an Alanon member from my group. She listened while I cried. She listened while I shared all the decisions I needed to make. She agreed I had a lot of choices. This is the advice she gave me:

"You don't have to decide anything by 3 p.m. today, right?"

She was right. I could let go, give it to my HP, and focus on getting through the next 5 minutes, hour and day.

By waiting, more options were revealed and I found peace in my decisions.

Have you considered finding local Alanon meetings for face to face support?

Let us know how we can help you, we care about YOU!

JenT1968

My exAH was often depressed too, I want to say "go figure", given the enormous quantities of depressants he was downing and the behaviour he exhibited towards those he loved, but hey ho. Unfortunately, no matter how much effort I put into understanding why he drank, why he was depressed etc, nothing made any difference to his behaviour and drinking. Time to look after you and those kids.

I left, after a long time of vacillating, I wasn't sure when I did it that it was the right thing, I was scared and I asked initially for a seperation to give him 6 months to demonstrate that he could give up drinking and then we would see if our marriage could be worked on. I gave him 9 months in total, he didn't give up for a single day of that. We are now divorcing, it has been a long, sometimes difficult, but always better than living with him, process.

Go at your own pace, the job, selling the house, seperate housing don't all have to be done together. Small steps, if you feel in danger, are there local womens resources you can get help from about a plan to leave? if not, do you know your exact fianancial situation now? can you see a lawyer about your legal situation? do you need a week away with family or friends to rest and get your head together a bit before embarking on the practicalities? Don't try all of these things, they are just suggestions to pick one (or none), perhaps posting here is your "thing" for today: Pelican has really good advice.
It can all be accomplished, gradually, one foot in front of the other... (())

Welcome to SR!

Pelican

To endlesspatience,
If you want to know more about her AH (alcoholic husband) ask him. Why ask a non-professional why someone else's recovery failed?

Here in the Friends and Family Forum we focus on the needs, concerns and support of the non-alcoholic.

We are here to support Ladybug as she recovers from living with active alcoholism.

Ladybug, I am sorry about hijacking your thread to address endlesspatience.

Back to you and your recovery.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Thumper

Hi Ladybug. I'm sorry things have come to this point. My experience has some similarities.

I also made the decision to leave and divorced him. I remember so clearly that overwhelmed and exhausted feeling.

I have one regret that I will share. I did not make him leave like was my initial plan. Having him in the house resulted in so much more trauma for the kids (and myself) then if I would have just forced him out. It also led to an urgency to push forward through the process as fast as I possibly could. It may have been much easier had I taken it more slowly but that did not seem like an option with him in the house.

Some pratical advice that I can give is go meet with an attorney right away. They can give you the facts and information you need so you know your options in how to move forward.

Then make a plan and start moving toward it. I saw a counselor for the first time in my life when I was going through this process. I wasn't sure of my decision and she helped with that but it was also really helpful to have someone to help me work through some of the steps and I just found she helped me find the strength to keep taking those steps rather then stalling out.

TeM

I can't give you any advice... I'm struggling with the same questions myself. All I can do is tell you that you're not alone, and that there are many here who can offer solid advice.

I hope you can find your way to a better place.

Ladybug0130

Good advice all around. I just need to do one thing at a time. The tricky part is the house, I know I have to put it on the market I just can't decide who stays here while it is being sold, etc. I think I may do what someone said and take a few days off at my in-laws with the kids to clear my head. Surprisingly, my in-laws are wonderful and very supportive of me. What a blessing! I also like what another poster said, that if I don't do this I will be sitting here four years from now wishing I had done it four years ago! Thanks everyone. This is a good forum, I really want to go to Al-anon but I have no one to leave the kids with (in-laws are 2 hours away).

catlovermi

Hi Ladybug,

Welcome! I am sorry what has brought you to us, but we welcome you.

Here is a classic "sticky" post that many have found useful to break down your process and make it less overwhelming:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html - follow the link within and read the discussion to get a great, practical, logical step-by-step guide. Look for the "Ten Steps" part that outline exactly what steps to take and the order of the steps and logic to them.

The reference to that link came from this page of incredibly useful information:

Classic reading for Friends & Family of alcoholics

CLMI

Thumper

I stayed in the house while it was selling as I could not afford two payments. It was really hard on me and the kids. It added a lot of stress. I got some outside help at the end and was able to move before it was sold and that really lifted a big burden from my everyday life. It is hard to live in a house that is for sale when you have small kids and the kids felt unsettled as well, not knowing where they would be going etc. Just my experience on that front. I needed mine to sell ASAP because I was in a bad spot financially. If I could have afforded it I would have stayed there and/or bought his share from him.

He used selling the house against me (refused to sign papers and come to agreements with sellers etc.) until I told him I'd make it so the lawyers handled it and then his profits would be eaten alive by attorney fees.

TeM

Thumper, what you describe in relation to selling the house is what I find so daunting, and I'm sure others do, as well.

Like many people, we owe as much or more on ours than it's worth, plus it needs a lot of work to get it ready to sell. My AW can sometimes be a petty, vindictive person (she inherited it from her father), so I'm sure she would do everything in her power to make the process a living hell.

Thanks for reminding us that it can be done.

MyBetterWorld

Please read my thread "now he won't leave" I left and though it has been better, it's not been perfect. I received many excellent replies on my thread that sound like they would help you too.
M

lillamy

I left my AH. One of my friends told me the next day that "you might just have done him the biggest favor anyone will ever do him, even if he doesn't see it that way right now."

It's been about five months, and he's still sober -- he checked himself into rehab 24 hours after I left.

I spent four years in Al-Anon before I left. I spent the first few months after leaving feeling like I had gotten everything I needed. And only recently have I seen in myself the fallout of living with an alcoholic for 20 years. Whatever else you do, find an Al-Anon meeting (in real life or online) and work on your own recovery. Because the coping mechanisms we develop living with an alcoholic continue to poison our lives after we leave, if we let them.

I would say to worry less about him and why his sobriety didn't stick, and more about what you can do to heal and get to a point where you can live a rich, meaningful life without dysfunction.

Phoenixthebird

catlovermi, thank you for the links. I linked on the first one and printed it out. Then I made sure I hid it out of sight, where I'm pretty sure, it will be secure, in my clothes dresser. I will read through it more slower at my convenience.

Ladybug0130, you wrote "Any words of wisdom related to leaving would be helpful." I'm right where you are! Except I'm getting ready to leave a 40 year old marriage.

I have always been BIG about using a notebook and making lists of things that I need done or things that I need to remember. Little did I know when I became hooked on making lists that one day I would need this idea by suffering from short-term memory recall problems. I would suggest you start a journal of your decision to separate from your AH and your pending divorce.

Brainstorm everything you need to do to get this done. "I am starting to become overwhelmed by all I have to do." "I have to get a job (I quit about a year ago to deal with all of this), sell a house, call an attorney, and so on. I know I have to take it one step at a time, but it's all so daunting!!!" I would suggest you entitle each page in your notebook by the individual tasks. Each time you make progress or take steps on that particular task, you can jot it down on the corresponding page. This will help you focus and, hopefully, prevent you from being overwhelmed. It will, also, help assure you, you are proceding forward with each step. "Divide and Conquer."

It's like the old adage "You can't see the forest for the trees". By "Dividng and Conquering" we are able to see the big picture, and not become overwhelmed by the small tasks. Sometimes we are so engrossed in a personal problem we can't see the solution to our problem. Your friends or family may find the solution quite easily for you because they aren't as absorbed with your problems.

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and Peace,
Phoenix

Ladybug0130

I went and took my kids to my best friend's house and we spent the night, it was fun for the kids and a nice way to decompress for a while. I came home and told my husband I want to get a divorce soon because our health insurance runs out end of March and he will be uninsurable due to all this. I don't want to get dragged down by his inevitable medical bills. He agreed with this, he has no fight in him at all. He seems very depressed and near suicidal, really. He hasn't drank today (I can tell) but has been laying around and staring out the window. He said he feels very ill and cannot move or think. We may be taking him to the hospital tonight. Fun New Year, huh!?

I am taking it baby steps because he is not violent. We are seeing a lawyer about divorcing with minimal conflict together next week. We get along great (despite the fact that he is an insane alcoholic ) and really don't want to fight about it. After that, I am going to put our house on the market. As long as he doesn't get too crazy in front of the kids I will let him live here until it sells. The kids adore him and I think this will be less chaotic for them. I am hoping my son can finish out the school year in the school he loves. the hardest part about this is my son is going to be devastated. He loves his dad so much! But, I cannot change anything so we all have to deal with it. I am also going to look for a job.

I feel good about this plan right now. Of course things will change but for now it gives me something to work toward.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs your way, ladybug. It's a hard decision any way you look at it.
Best wishes.

Pelican

Sending you encouragement and support.