Saying It Out Loud
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Saying It Out Loud
Hi All,
SR was the first place that I was able to say "out loud" that I had decided to leave my AH. Actually saying it, as opposed to just thinking it, turned out to have tremendous power. And after saying it, I was able to do it. Since October, I have been in my own apartment, away from the madness.
Now I have something else that I need to say out loud. I don't want to work it out. It's too little, too late, and I want a divorce. Ouch. Even just writing that seems monumental. But there it is. I don't want to go back. I don't want to live that life. I don't want to fix it. Because even if it can be fixed, I don't think that I would be able to believe that it would stay fixed.
Since leaving, AH, to my surprise, has started attending AA, claims to be sober, and seems desperate to do whatever he can to fix the situation. Not that he cared about fixing it when I lived there, but I digress. Although he's not drinking and making more effort than I would have thought, he is still not really admitting he's an alcoholic. Sure, he is saying that he has quit drinking, but he still wants to make distinctions between himself and alcoholics. As in, he's not like *those* guys. Obviously, he needs to work through that. But *I* don't need to work through that.
As part of AH's new-found "whatever it takes" approach was for us to go to marriage counseling. Out of guilt, I agreed, and we have gone to 2 sessions. Both sessions were almost entirely aimed at AH, with the counselor telling AH that in her opinion, he is an alcoholic in denial who has not taken responsibility for his behavior or his errors in thinking. At the end of the last session, counselor pointed out that she hasn't heard anything about me. Counselor told AH that all of this focus on him had caused him to not even consider what I'm going through. Counselor then asked AH why I left. He listed lots of reasons related to him. Counselor told AH that my leaving wasn't about him, it was about me. I left to survive for myself, not to manipulate him. The session kind of made me realize that recovering or not, it will ALWAYS be about him. There is no room for me.
So there it is. The only issue left is how to tell him. What do I owe him at this point by way of courtesy? If I do it in person, I think I will get sucked into manipulation and guilt. Phone call? Email? Process server?
SR was the first place that I was able to say "out loud" that I had decided to leave my AH. Actually saying it, as opposed to just thinking it, turned out to have tremendous power. And after saying it, I was able to do it. Since October, I have been in my own apartment, away from the madness.
Now I have something else that I need to say out loud. I don't want to work it out. It's too little, too late, and I want a divorce. Ouch. Even just writing that seems monumental. But there it is. I don't want to go back. I don't want to live that life. I don't want to fix it. Because even if it can be fixed, I don't think that I would be able to believe that it would stay fixed.
Since leaving, AH, to my surprise, has started attending AA, claims to be sober, and seems desperate to do whatever he can to fix the situation. Not that he cared about fixing it when I lived there, but I digress. Although he's not drinking and making more effort than I would have thought, he is still not really admitting he's an alcoholic. Sure, he is saying that he has quit drinking, but he still wants to make distinctions between himself and alcoholics. As in, he's not like *those* guys. Obviously, he needs to work through that. But *I* don't need to work through that.
As part of AH's new-found "whatever it takes" approach was for us to go to marriage counseling. Out of guilt, I agreed, and we have gone to 2 sessions. Both sessions were almost entirely aimed at AH, with the counselor telling AH that in her opinion, he is an alcoholic in denial who has not taken responsibility for his behavior or his errors in thinking. At the end of the last session, counselor pointed out that she hasn't heard anything about me. Counselor told AH that all of this focus on him had caused him to not even consider what I'm going through. Counselor then asked AH why I left. He listed lots of reasons related to him. Counselor told AH that my leaving wasn't about him, it was about me. I left to survive for myself, not to manipulate him. The session kind of made me realize that recovering or not, it will ALWAYS be about him. There is no room for me.
So there it is. The only issue left is how to tell him. What do I owe him at this point by way of courtesy? If I do it in person, I think I will get sucked into manipulation and guilt. Phone call? Email? Process server?
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Having a person legally served with divorce papers says it all and doesn't leave any room for negotiations, last minute pleas, it was all your faults, or manipulations. It also says "I no longer have room for you."
I'm thrilled to see you embark on a happy new life!
I'm thrilled to see you embark on a happy new life!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
he is an alcoholic in denial who has not taken responsibility for his behavior
has not hit his rock bottom....
you work on you...and do what you want to do....this is your decision...YOU GO GIRL!! may you find the PEACE you are looking for....
has not hit his rock bottom....
you work on you...and do what you want to do....this is your decision...YOU GO GIRL!! may you find the PEACE you are looking for....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'd go with just serving him. And use a process server so you know it's done. (Our state let's you serve divorce papers by mail. If your state does, I highly recommend not serving by mail.) I told XAH that I was filing and he still didn't believe it until he got the papers. I'd be willing to bet that since the counseling sessions are all about him, he wouldn't hear you or believe you either.
Best wishes, and Happy New Year! Remember to take gentle care of yourself.
Best wishes, and Happy New Year! Remember to take gentle care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
if it was me, i would send a handwritten letter via post. that way, i could compose my thoughts and communicate, without being interupted or manipulated. also, i would write it, put it aside, and then review it maybe a day later.
i don't think i would write a very long letter or address all of the various issues. i would just write my intention and why i was moving on solo.
i know if i was in your husband's shoes, i would feel badly to just receive the divorce news from being served. that would feel cold and callous to me if i was on the receiving end of it.
i don't think i would write a very long letter or address all of the various issues. i would just write my intention and why i was moving on solo.
i know if i was in your husband's shoes, i would feel badly to just receive the divorce news from being served. that would feel cold and callous to me if i was on the receiving end of it.
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