What is "healthy" detachment supposed to look like?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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What is "healthy" detachment supposed to look like?
I guess I don't get it. Altho I didn't really set out to detach, I'm actually sitting here waiting for my heart to catch up with my head. AH is actively using and will not admit any wrong doing there nor is he willing to take any steps to change this. So...my head is telling me things my heart just can't accept.
He's just hateful towards me most of the time and of course accusing me of the same. I'm just not engaging with him, not loving on him, so he says I don't love him. I am getting through the point of accepting that I'm powerless, but I'm definitely not perfect with this!
Ugh...I want so bad to get on with my life. Yet maybe somewhere in me I'm waiting for some resolution before I do so. And I know if I'm waiting for some kind of logical resolution I could be waiting for years. I can't believe this is my life
What is going on?
He's just hateful towards me most of the time and of course accusing me of the same. I'm just not engaging with him, not loving on him, so he says I don't love him. I am getting through the point of accepting that I'm powerless, but I'm definitely not perfect with this!
Ugh...I want so bad to get on with my life. Yet maybe somewhere in me I'm waiting for some resolution before I do so. And I know if I'm waiting for some kind of logical resolution I could be waiting for years. I can't believe this is my life
What is going on?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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In my mind, healthy detaching means removing yourself from the situation enough that: 1) you can make yourself your own top priority and 2) you are not doing anything for the addict that he can do himself.
Only you can decide what has to happen for those two things to be true in your life.
Only you can decide what has to happen for those two things to be true in your life.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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I agree with ladyamalthea. You might also consider finding an al-anon meeting in your area. You will find a lot of face-to-face support there from people who understand exactly what you are feeling.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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I think that our Step One is all about detachment...We admitted we were powerless over the addict/addiction/others and our life had become unmanageable.
Once I truly accepted that I was powerless over anyone else, detaching came easy. For some detachment means no contact, for me detachment meant not involving myself in any way in my son's addiction or recovery or behaviour.
It may be harder when you live with the addict, but mental detachment can help you "act with healthy thought about what is right for you" instead of "reacting" to his behaviour.
Detaching from the pain and obsession of trying to save that which is not ours to save helps us move forward in our own recovery. I found that I could not live in my son's addiction and my own recovery at the same time. So I detached from what was his and focused on what was mine...my recovery.
Hope this makes sense.
Hugs
Once I truly accepted that I was powerless over anyone else, detaching came easy. For some detachment means no contact, for me detachment meant not involving myself in any way in my son's addiction or recovery or behaviour.
It may be harder when you live with the addict, but mental detachment can help you "act with healthy thought about what is right for you" instead of "reacting" to his behaviour.
Detaching from the pain and obsession of trying to save that which is not ours to save helps us move forward in our own recovery. I found that I could not live in my son's addiction and my own recovery at the same time. So I detached from what was his and focused on what was mine...my recovery.
Hope this makes sense.
Hugs
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I tried Alanon several times a few years ago and it just didn't click for me. I've been attending Celebrate Recovery for a few weeks now and like it so far. I know I need help! I'm trying my darndest to focus on myself right now...and trying to make a break though it is truly one of the hardest things I've ever attempted. We've been together over 19 years and it shouldn't be an excuse to accept crap, but man this is hard. It didn't help when a month ago I told my 7 year old son that mommy and daddy would probably be splitting up and he burst into tears. I know how things are is not helping my little man at all, but it is hard not to get emotional about that. Ahhhh...oh and I should mention that I went to one on one counseling for my codependency for over a year (several years ago - says a lot huh - I feel like I've made baby step progress)! I wish I could figure myself out.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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When he wrote the book "Stranger in a Strange Land", Robert Heinlein invented the word Grok to describe a kind of complete and total understanding of a concept so deep that there was no "earthly word for it".
It gets used now to describe concepts that we know so totally that they are a part of our very identity.
So, when you grok that you can go on with your life knowing that he'll never understand how he was hurting you or why were in pain, that you can be a real and whole person without another person to tell you that they love you, and that it's not about reaction, but action - then you will have detached in a healthy way.
It's not something that's easy to grok though. That's why there's ala-non and groups like it.
It gets used now to describe concepts that we know so totally that they are a part of our very identity.
So, when you grok that you can go on with your life knowing that he'll never understand how he was hurting you or why were in pain, that you can be a real and whole person without another person to tell you that they love you, and that it's not about reaction, but action - then you will have detached in a healthy way.
It's not something that's easy to grok though. That's why there's ala-non and groups like it.
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Ann and Anvil thanks. I know I'm finally admitting I'm powerless...I am getting there. Maybe I am entering detachment subconsciously? Is that possible? Isn't detachment not a loving thing though? I've heard of detaching with love and I don't get that. I am obviously feeling very cold to AH and definitely "feel" detached at the moment.
now what? Well I'm working on figuring that out...sort of had a plan and now I'm stalling. I can't believe I'm stalling. This sucks!!!
now what? Well I'm working on figuring that out...sort of had a plan and now I'm stalling. I can't believe I'm stalling. This sucks!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Oh no. The truest and best detachment is when you can acknowledge how much you love something and can still let it go.
I am not defined by the relationships I have or the things I possess. I may care about them deeply, I may have memories attached to them; but if I can't let them go if they're damaging me, then what good are those people and things? I still fondly remember the good times I had with the bad people in my life. I let the people go, but it doesn't mean the times weren't good. And just because the times were good doesn't mean the people weren't bad. It was what it was.
There isn't a thing I own or a relationship I have that I wouldn't give up for the right reasons. The really hard part is knowing what the right reasons are. That's what I'm still figuring out and will probably still be working on that for the rest of my life.
I am not defined by the relationships I have or the things I possess. I may care about them deeply, I may have memories attached to them; but if I can't let them go if they're damaging me, then what good are those people and things? I still fondly remember the good times I had with the bad people in my life. I let the people go, but it doesn't mean the times weren't good. And just because the times were good doesn't mean the people weren't bad. It was what it was.
There isn't a thing I own or a relationship I have that I wouldn't give up for the right reasons. The really hard part is knowing what the right reasons are. That's what I'm still figuring out and will probably still be working on that for the rest of my life.
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I think a lot of people have to detach in anger before getting to detaching with love. The addict in my life was my child, and I never really got to that all out anger stage, but I sure could see that happening if it was my spouse or partner....something about the passion...
For me detaching with love occurred because I came to believe and accept that my daughter was not "doing" this to me. I believed that just as I could not control her, she was powerless over the drugs too. She wasn't "doing it" to hurt and be cruel or because she was a terrible person; she was doing it because she was lost in this horrible addiction and it just kept saying feed me.
I know people talk about addicts manipulating and I do know that is true, but at the same time, in the depths of her despair, I can recall her looking at me, crying as I held her (due to drama that I allowed myself to be sucked into, but still there was a lesson to learn from it) and saying "do you think I want to be like this?" That helped me to find detachment with love...That helped me to find compassion and to be able to love my daughter and hate addiction.
Hope that makes a little sense.
For me detaching with love occurred because I came to believe and accept that my daughter was not "doing" this to me. I believed that just as I could not control her, she was powerless over the drugs too. She wasn't "doing it" to hurt and be cruel or because she was a terrible person; she was doing it because she was lost in this horrible addiction and it just kept saying feed me.
I know people talk about addicts manipulating and I do know that is true, but at the same time, in the depths of her despair, I can recall her looking at me, crying as I held her (due to drama that I allowed myself to be sucked into, but still there was a lesson to learn from it) and saying "do you think I want to be like this?" That helped me to find detachment with love...That helped me to find compassion and to be able to love my daughter and hate addiction.
Hope that makes a little sense.
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Detachment for me is being able to stay calm in the midst of my AS's chaos. It is the detachment that allows me to do that. In a way, it is a state of mind. He can still occasionally knock me off balance and I lose that healthy detachment and it feels really bad because I can "feel" the contrast between the detachment and when I "lose it". It takes practice and it is learned and I have gotten better at it over time.
It is extremely difficult to maintain a sense of calm (it doesn't mean I don't care) while the addict is spiraling out of control. It's very hard to see someone falling and falling and falling into this pit of darkness and fight the instinct to throw out the safety net. Detachment allows me to keep my safety net to myself and allow my AS to feel the consequences of his actions and behavior without my interference.
It is hard but detachment is a very important self preservation tactic.
It is extremely difficult to maintain a sense of calm (it doesn't mean I don't care) while the addict is spiraling out of control. It's very hard to see someone falling and falling and falling into this pit of darkness and fight the instinct to throw out the safety net. Detachment allows me to keep my safety net to myself and allow my AS to feel the consequences of his actions and behavior without my interference.
It is hard but detachment is a very important self preservation tactic.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Wow! Thank you!!
Where were you guys a few years ago. I really appreciate all this great info.
Just to get it straight in my head. To detach is to let them go on their own road as an addict and start your own path as a healthier person?
Sounds easy now how do I get this feeling that I am going to fall apart? My heart is broken especially when my daughter cries for him and asks where he is. I just dont know how to deal with this.
Where were you guys a few years ago. I really appreciate all this great info.
Just to get it straight in my head. To detach is to let them go on their own road as an addict and start your own path as a healthier person?
Sounds easy now how do I get this feeling that I am going to fall apart? My heart is broken especially when my daughter cries for him and asks where he is. I just dont know how to deal with this.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southwestern, Pennsylvania
Posts: 210
What works for me in detaching from my AS is to NOT think of it in the long term. Just for today I am going to keep my hands off the addict. Just for today I am not going to intervene or interfere with the choices he makes..good or bad. Just for today is all I can handle sometimes. It gets easier the more you practice and the more you become involved in your own existence rather than living the Chaos created by the addict.
I still get the knotted stomach feeling at times, but when I do I think about all the things I've learned here and in Naranon and reinforce to myself that my life is not my AS's life, I have chosen a different path and if he wants to turn his own life path around I will still be moving on mine and he can catch up if he so pleases.
I still get the knotted stomach feeling at times, but when I do I think about all the things I've learned here and in Naranon and reinforce to myself that my life is not my AS's life, I have chosen a different path and if he wants to turn his own life path around I will still be moving on mine and he can catch up if he so pleases.
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Thank you so much to everyone that has replied. You have no idea how much I need this advice at this EXACT time. Chaos entered my life again late last night - and I need to get this detachment thing down ASAP! I wonder if this is what is needed for me to make the move I need to to get myself on my own path? This is giving me lots to think about and grasp on to, so thanks from the bottom of my heart.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Detaching from my addict son was the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my entire life. It took me 4 years of absolute chaos and running crazy from all the drama to finally say, ENOUGH. When my son was in need of a place to live after all he had been through, and put our family through, I had to say NO. That devastated me. I saw it as turning my back on him, and I'm sure he felt that way at the time, but the truth is, I was helping him grow and take responsibility for his own actions.
But it was at that time, when he was told NO, that my son realized there was no place left for him to run his game. So HE decided it was time to stop the chaos and drama. He realized that he needed to get straight or live like a homeless bum. It was all on him now. He wore out every single person in our family. We all tried to help him, and as long as we did for him, he didn't do for himself.
I know in your case it's your husband. If he sees that your not playing his game anymore, he will get a rude awakening. The best thing you can do to detach, is take care of yourself, and your young child/children. Contribute absolutely nothing to his addictive behavior. If his behavior is any kind of a threat to you and your children, find a way out. Or find a way to get him out.
Go to Alanon or Naranon. Even though you didn't love it in the past, you might be in a better place mentally to really listen and learn. After all you don't want his negative behavior to rub off on your kids. Naranon taught me that my sons life was not more important than my own. In my head, I thought he was so much more important than myself. I couldn't imagine loving myself more than my own son. And I probably never will. But, I know I have to take care of myself. 4 years of trying to change my addict, made me very ill. I didn't eat, or sleep. I lost weight, my hair fell out from stress and poor diet.
After that, we were both really sick.
It took me a very long time to learn, that I cannot change anyone else. The only person I can change is myself. The way I was handling the pain of my sons addiction was wrong. It didn't help anyone, or anything. As a matter of fact, all the good I thought I was doing was so damaging. I was enabling him, and killing myself.
You can detach with love, and it's difficult at times. You need to stay calm, and rational. You need to make healthy choices for you and your children. Maybe if you leave him with his addiction for a while, and he doesn't see you and his children, he will realize that he needs to change. When addicts are using, they cannot see that their actions are so hurtful to others. I learned much later on that my son's addiction had nothing to do with me. And that he had NO CLUE, that he was hurting the people who loved him so much. He couldn't see it. I'm always amazed that the addict cannot see what's really going on. The drugs shut down the reasoning part of the brain.
But it was at that time, when he was told NO, that my son realized there was no place left for him to run his game. So HE decided it was time to stop the chaos and drama. He realized that he needed to get straight or live like a homeless bum. It was all on him now. He wore out every single person in our family. We all tried to help him, and as long as we did for him, he didn't do for himself.
I know in your case it's your husband. If he sees that your not playing his game anymore, he will get a rude awakening. The best thing you can do to detach, is take care of yourself, and your young child/children. Contribute absolutely nothing to his addictive behavior. If his behavior is any kind of a threat to you and your children, find a way out. Or find a way to get him out.
Go to Alanon or Naranon. Even though you didn't love it in the past, you might be in a better place mentally to really listen and learn. After all you don't want his negative behavior to rub off on your kids. Naranon taught me that my sons life was not more important than my own. In my head, I thought he was so much more important than myself. I couldn't imagine loving myself more than my own son. And I probably never will. But, I know I have to take care of myself. 4 years of trying to change my addict, made me very ill. I didn't eat, or sleep. I lost weight, my hair fell out from stress and poor diet.
After that, we were both really sick.
It took me a very long time to learn, that I cannot change anyone else. The only person I can change is myself. The way I was handling the pain of my sons addiction was wrong. It didn't help anyone, or anything. As a matter of fact, all the good I thought I was doing was so damaging. I was enabling him, and killing myself.
You can detach with love, and it's difficult at times. You need to stay calm, and rational. You need to make healthy choices for you and your children. Maybe if you leave him with his addiction for a while, and he doesn't see you and his children, he will realize that he needs to change. When addicts are using, they cannot see that their actions are so hurtful to others. I learned much later on that my son's addiction had nothing to do with me. And that he had NO CLUE, that he was hurting the people who loved him so much. He couldn't see it. I'm always amazed that the addict cannot see what's really going on. The drugs shut down the reasoning part of the brain.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Ontario
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Wow!!
Thanks!
I did not contact him today and everytime I feel that knot in my stomach I just come on line and read and read. It is so helpful to see what other people have to say. He is at his mothers now and she told him he could stay a few days and now she just emailed me and wanted to know how to get him out. I sent her this web site and told her to find her answers and guidance from here because I was trying to sort myself out.
I am going to try and get back to meetings again and get my path back.
Thank you all so much because I can feel my mind coming back down to earth again!!
Thanks!
I did not contact him today and everytime I feel that knot in my stomach I just come on line and read and read. It is so helpful to see what other people have to say. He is at his mothers now and she told him he could stay a few days and now she just emailed me and wanted to know how to get him out. I sent her this web site and told her to find her answers and guidance from here because I was trying to sort myself out.
I am going to try and get back to meetings again and get my path back.
Thank you all so much because I can feel my mind coming back down to earth again!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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[QUOTE=angelstory;2658887]I tried Alanon several times a few years ago and it just didn't click for me. I've been attending Celebrate Recovery for a few weeks now and like it so far. I know I need help!
I too have been going to CR for several months! Stick with it. It's a great program and will help you immensely. I usto have days I just "did not feel" like going, but when I go I ALWAYS feel so much better! Good Luck and God Bless!
I too have been going to CR for several months! Stick with it. It's a great program and will help you immensely. I usto have days I just "did not feel" like going, but when I go I ALWAYS feel so much better! Good Luck and God Bless!
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Angelic, your post is right on the money and I thank you for it. Everything you have said about your relationship with your son I could mirror in my relationship with my AH. I have been dealing with this for 5 years, and I am just now starting to get it. However painful it is. I am also floored by my AH's inability to see how hurtful and damaging his actions have been, and how "sure" he is that this is all my doing and he should have left me a long time ago. I finally started seeing a lawyer and he knows it and that's when the so-called "real" feelings started coming out of him. I know I have done immense damage to our situation and I think we are at that point of no return which breaks my heart because I never wanted that...I always had sooo much hope that he would see the light, just give it a bit more time. How crazy is it for little old me to think I had anything to offer a raging addict? I'm just so sad right now...and feeling detached from him...and simply hating it. We used to be best friends and it's hard to swallow. But, I have to move forward for me and my kids and start taking care of myself so I can feel like a whole person again. I am starting to plan my future alone and it feels weird, but I am grateful I am finally at a point where I can think that way - it's the only way to escape this chaos.
hopeful - I do like CR a lot and I feel so full when I leave. I felt like I belonged there since the first time I went so I'm going to keep at it. It's not to say I'd never go to Alanon again, I tried two different groups and the second one was not bad.
hopeful - I do like CR a lot and I feel so full when I leave. I felt like I belonged there since the first time I went so I'm going to keep at it. It's not to say I'd never go to Alanon again, I tried two different groups and the second one was not bad.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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I had to giggle when I saw "healthy" because in no way does it feel healthy... My detachment worked when I cried my eyes out, but still stuck to my boundaries and my word. It hurt so much but there was something in the pit of my gut that said this was the right thing to do... I
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I just read something in the FFA forum that made me think of your question.
I think healthy detachment looks like these healthy boundaries:
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection. There are also examples of collapsed boundaries and rigid boundaries.
Something that just kind of hit me, is that every time I felt like I was falling apart or broken... well, I literally was because my boundaries collapsed. I started to feel better when I got busy rebuilding.
I think healthy detachment looks like these healthy boundaries:
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
Something that just kind of hit me, is that every time I felt like I was falling apart or broken... well, I literally was because my boundaries collapsed. I started to feel better when I got busy rebuilding.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Once you start the "detachment" process, it's rather liberating. I just decided to do it last week, and I've actually had a fairly normal week, and weekend. Getting back to my hobbies, and not looking in disgust at my husband, and hoping he'll fall down the stairs.
I'm not diluting bottles of London Dry Gin anymore, and try not to take his inventory. Working the first step,....you have to "start" somewhere. Look after and focus on yourself!
Enid
I'm not diluting bottles of London Dry Gin anymore, and try not to take his inventory. Working the first step,....you have to "start" somewhere. Look after and focus on yourself!
Enid
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