I think a lot of people have to detach in anger before getting to detaching with love. The addict in my life was my child, and I never really got to that all out anger stage, but I sure could see that happening if it was my spouse or partner....something about the passion...
For me detaching with love occurred because I came to believe and accept that my daughter was not "doing" this to me. I believed that just as I could not control her, she was powerless over the drugs too. She wasn't "doing it" to hurt and be cruel or because she was a terrible person; she was doing it because she was lost in this horrible addiction and it just kept saying feed me.
I know people talk about addicts manipulating and I do know that is true, but at the same time, in the depths of her despair, I can recall her looking at me, crying as I held her (due to drama that I allowed myself to be sucked into, but still there was a lesson to learn from it) and saying "do you think I
want to be like this?" That helped me to find detachment with love...That helped me to find compassion and to be able to love my daughter and hate addiction.
Hope that makes a little sense.
