CanfixONLYme

I've posted a few threads over the past few days on my AH... fearing he was going to leave treatment and then after he did.

He's staying at his aunt's for the next few months to 'see how it goes.' I'm a complete mess. We've spent the last 2 days together (and evenings). How ******** am I? It has been really good... I've missed him so much - it's been over a year of major downs and relapses and this seems to be a glimmer of the old him again.

Of course however, i haven't really enjoyed a moment being with him. When he's not looking, gone to the washroom or what have you, it takes every ounce of me not to start bawling.

I'm on complete edge... just WAITING for these addiction signs to come forth once more: beligerence, extreme sarcasm, comparing himself to everyone (how he's not that bad), comparing me (look at what I'm NOT doing...to justify himself), not doing what he says he's going to do etc.

It only has been two days and he seems 'fine' but of course, I'm 100% looking for any of the above flaws to just kick him to the curb once and for all. I can't even seem to enjoy his sobriety. It's like I want him to relapse so I can finally 'breathe' again. How screwed up is that?

I've been told by his cousin that him being alone at his aunts is the WORST thing for him... that he should be home with me, but I have no trust in him whatsoever and would be in bits every night I was at school etc.

However... just thinking of him at his aunt's alone with his thoughts etc. is also painful too... thus my STUPID decision to let him hang out with me...

I'm going to an naranon meeting tomorrow night ... I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin right now - tense that he's going to feck up once again and then I'm going to go insane...which I feel like is happening right now.

I didn't cause it, i CAN'T CONTROL it and I CAN'T CURE IT!!! Why oh why am I so f*king controlling? Why can't I "GET" detaching with love... that what he does is of his OWN choice - no matter if I get involved or not.

This sounds horrible, but I liken him to a somewhat mentally challenged child... someone who just gives in to ANY impulse without thinking of the consequences to them or those around them...

I'm sick of worrying so much - even when he is doing okay I'm a complete mess. I don't rejoice in the clean time he has had from crack or that he stopped drinking after a few and didn't automatically resort to his old drug behaviors.

I'm so sorry that I'm such a wuss... that I can't seem to stop being such a fecking co-dependent idiot. It's because of my actions that I'm going insane... I even thought briefly about ending it all just so I don't have to keep going through this crap. I'm too weak to fecking end it with him - and it's sick... I know it is.

If I were just a stronger person I probably wouldn't have gotten in this mess in the first place...

God Help Me...

Babyblue

First, stop apologizing No one gives us instructions on how to cope with what you've gone through. You were/are doing the best you can. The key though is to not get to these points where you feel like YOU are the problem, or that YOU'VE messed up.

Letting him hang out with you felt like an ok thing to do and if you missed him, it kind of makes sense you'd want to spend time with him. How is that messing up? You aren't in control of how he was going to be while with you as well. You hoped for a better outcome and now realize your limits.

Could be that all this stress is built up and so now you are on edge? Other than naranon, are you seeing anyone like a therapist? You said 'ending it all'. When it comes to that, I would truly look into therapy. It isn't because of your actions that you are going insane, it is because you are in a situation that creates the insanity all around you.

It is easy to say you are co-dependent and somehow think that is the root of ALL your problems but it really isn't. It is one part of it and you are going to Naranon and aware of your co-dependent patterns so that is great in my opinion. You probably are strong to last this long in the situation. And even strong people do have limits and do get burnt out. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Kindeyes

CFOM
Breathe.......and please......stop beating yourself up. Addiction causes enough damage to us, we certainly don't need to add to it.

This is a really tough time for you and for your husband. You just come here as often as you need to and get all of those feelings, words, and emotions out of you.

When my contact with my son increases, I find that my need for my program increases and I have to throw myself into it. When contact with my son decreases, I find that my need for my program increases. Heck......there it is......it doesn't matter what he is doing. It's important what I am doing. lol

No need to apologize.......that's what this forum is here for. Support when we need it. And knowing that we are not alone.

No one understands what it's like to love an addict.....unless they've been there. We've all been there. We understand.

gentle hugs
ke

lightseeker

I am sorry for your pain but applaud your willingness to talk about it. You are simply voicing (bravely) all of the feelings that many of us have experienced. I could have written your very same words 7 years ago.

Insanity is created in and around relationships that have active addiction in them. Even if you aren't "crazy" that scenario can make even the sanest person act and think insanely.

When I woke up to my own insanity (and quit blaming the addict in my life) I knew that I needed to get as serious about recovery as I wanted him to get. No longer was the primary concern his recovery/sobriety but my own. Emotional sobriety was something I gave away as freely as he seemed to relapse and use.

The reason you can't "do it" yet is because you haven't "done it yet". Be gentle with youself and know that the promises of recovery will occur if and when you actually do what they say. It definiely is not an overnight thing. My growing peace and serenity came from lots of hours in the chairs at meetings, working with a sponsor, and working the steps. There were times that I believed that the promises (found in the literature of AA) were true for everyone but me. Slowly but surely the cloud has lifted though. I still fall back into toxic behaviors and thinking but step one is always right there to help pull me back....I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable. The following 11 steps tell me what to do about it.

After awhile I realized that the addict in my life is not the one that got me into this mess. It was my own stuff - my issues. I was going to end up in an unhealthy relationship of some sort because of my orientation to the world. I grew up in an dysfunctional environment and that is all that I knew. Relationships that were normal and healthy felt boring....didn't pull me in. I wanted and needed more excitement than that, something with more umph to it. More needed to be on the line. I ran to "addictive" types of relationship as surely as any addict ran to their substance.

This relationship can be a trail head for you. It can turn out to be a blessing that allowed you to finally do the things for yourself that help you live a wonderful and healthy life. There is help out there in many forms....this forum, counseling, and recovery programs. Recovery programs and this forum are free....which is a true blessing! There is a saying "it works if you work it" and I've found that to be very true.

The addict that I was involved with 7 years ago was not my first addict. He was "next" in a lengthy line of relationships. My drug of choice always seemed to be someone that was addicted. Even when I made sure that I was not with someone addicted to something it would turn out that they had a secret addiction. Until I began to fix what drew me towards that (unconsciously) I was simply going to repeat my patterns. The same way that an addict relapses even when they want to quit using. Until they actively do something different and stick with it they are going to fall back into old patterns and return to familiar ways. That is exactly what I was doing.

There is a thought that you can look around at who you pull into your life to see what you need to work on. The information might come in ways that look like there is no common thread - but keep looking. What is similar? What is this trying to show you about you? Any thoughts that you have about what you wish another person should do might be able to be applied to what your subconscious actually knows that you need to do for yourself.

These ideas might not apply to you but eventually these were the thoughts and concepts that I truly believe began to save my own life.

Francismcan

Confusion is the mental result of the pressure of denied, repressed, supressed feelings and emotions.

Feelings and emotions are full of pressure to exit the person having them.
That is why healthy emotional behavior is to EX(it)PRESS your emotions.

When you stop the exit pressure of an emotion, it continues to exert pressure and demands to exit in spite of your resistance. Thus it begins to change some of the pure emotion into thoughts.

If you have some strong emotions like SAD, HURT, AFRAID, ASHAMED, ANGRY and you block the exit of these, they will begin to produce conflicting and contradictory thoughts.

This is judged as FEELING CONFUSED.

CON means WITH and FUSED means BLENDED and MIXED UP.

When several of the aforementioned emotions are blocked, they fuse together and mix together and cause the mixed up confused thinking.

L=learn to
I=identify
V=verbalize and
E=express your emotions.

Sponsors help with this.

laurie6781

(((((COFM)))))

You have done nothing wrong.

Whether you worry or not, he will do whatever he is going to do. You choose a great 'handle' for here. You are correct, you can only fix you, and that TAKES TIME, lots of TIME.

The Naranon meeting will help. You might also want to check out the AlAnon meetings in your area, only because there are probably more of them and one or more may also fit into your schedule better.

I understand. Right now you are uncomfortable if he is not there and you are uncomfortable when he is there. You feel like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop and it may.

I do believe your telling him he could not stay at the house was a correct choice for you for now. Allowing him to 'feel' the consequences of his actions is allowing him to be 'an adult.' He may not like it, but it is his choice to do what he has done.

Please don't apologize here, you have NOTHING to apologize for. This is what SR is all about, a place to vent, cry, rant, rave, scream, and yes even laugh as you walk this new road to recovery for yourself.

I do think the suggestion above that you try to find a therapist is an excellent one! Look for one that specializes in addiction if possible. And, if money is a problem (it usually is, lol) there are usually some that work on a 'sliding fee' basis, based on your means.

Please feel free to post as often as you need to or want to or don't want, as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Impurrfect

(((Can))) - I agree with everyone else..no need to apologize. I had to hit my own codie bottom, just as I had to hit my addiction bottom. I had to realize I was sick and tired of being stressed, worried, confused, let down, etc. by others, then had to start looking at MY part in it....why I felt I could save the world, why I continued to be in relationships that involved A's.

It does take TIME, and it's not something we can say "I'm done" and mean it, for quite a while (at least for me). The "I'm done" isn't so much about ending relationships, as learning to take care of ourselves without letting others affect how I feel about myself.

SR has helped me, so much, working through all this, and I'm glad you came here...that's what we're here for...support, cyber hugs, and reassurance that most of us have btdt, so you're not alone.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Wife2anaddict

It is so important to find therapist that actually specializes in co-dependency/addiction. I went to a Psy. D. who simply wanted to treat me for anxiety for when my AH was actively using. He taught relaxation techniques, mediation and if it got really bad, I was given the green light to take a .5 xanax!!! He literally had the advice to go watch my favorite TV show to de-stress. I had two sessions and realized this guy was clueless on treating/helping my actual issue. Never once mentioned nar-anon, detachment, codependency. I've learned more on these boards than I ever could from him.

coffeedrinker

CFOM,

First of all, WELCOME to soberrecovery.

I certainly understand ALL the things you're feeling. You can't stand being in limbo, so you almost wish the old behaviors would reappear so that you'd get out of that limbo and be forced to make a move.

You have become accustomed to living a life of extreme ups and downs. It comes with the territory of being in love with an addict.

I think right now you have some elation, because it feels so wonderful, and there is such relief, with the way he is right now.

You also have some intense anxiety -- fear that the painful times will revisit you.

Time takes care of both of those extremes. It's HARD to be patient, but you really have no choice anyway, right?

Go to that meeting and keep reminding yourself that you don't have to know if he's gonna relapse into old, cruddy behavior/attitude, right now today. If and when he does, you will know it.
And in the meantime, just allow him to make his own decisions (living @ Aunt's) since they're the only ones that will "stick" anyhow.
Perhaps you both need some more space from one another during this transition.

eez

laurie6781 says: "he will do whatever he is going to do"

After eighteen years of living with an addict (my son) the above is the only thing of which I'm certain.

Even though I'd probably have a fifty/fifty chance of being right, if my son were to flip a coin I wouldn't dare guess which side would be face-up when it landed...it could land on its edge.

Sooner or later, those that have a relationship with an addict, whether it be as a parent or partner, come to a decision.

The decision varies depending on circumstsnces and individuals, but it will be the right one.

steve1840

i dont want to hijack this thread by any means. it's just that as i read it, my eyes started to fill. i dont know if its the weather changing, the holiday or what, but the past couple days i've been falling backwards. i almost feel exactly where i started. i'm sad. i'm scared, how can i have gotten so far along only to feel like this again. i'm posting here because i think i feel just like canonlyfixme posted.

maybe its the reality setting in again. as i put it in another post, having some contact at least allowed me to have an inside look, now that that's gone i feel the loss. even though i so badly wanted my life back, i miss her despite the problems.

i am lost in the fantasy of a future that could be but may never be. i am stuck being scared for her. i let go but now i want to grab on again. and i know i shouldn't say it, but i am sorry to be back at this place. i hope i do not stay long.

i know in many ways i have already lost her, but i am afraid of losing her in other ways. it seems that when there was contact, i could see all the reasons to be away from it, but when she is away, i see all the beauty and good i used to know and i want to nurture that. maybe i am just having a hard time dealing with the loss of her. its as simple as this, last year i would cut hte lawn feeling somewhat happy i knew where she was and how she was, i knew that when i'd get done we'd get food and watch a movie. this weekend i cut the lawn feeling anxiety of her not being here and not knowing how she was. maybe i am more scared because she is living with an addict in the middle of a drug infested area. i am trying to keep faith that she'll find her way.

i know the focus should be on me. for some reason its shifted back on her. have you experienced this back and forth? to have really sank again?

suki- you might be familiar with this one. Hendrix has a song love or confusion. it's appropriate. how do i know which it is. i feel too old to be sucked in by confusion. as the title of this thread states, i feel like i am losing it.

sorry to have posted about me on someone else's thread.

CanfixONLYme

I've read each and every one of your posts about 3x so far and they have shown me an encouraging light I'm walking towards. The absolute key for me at this point is to practice, practice, practice my cognitive exercises and NOT engage or nag at what he is or isn't doing.

Yes, it's true... I need to keep reminding myself that I don't need to know if he's going to relapse today. If and when it happens, I'll know!

My dumb way of thinking of stressing beforehand is that it won't feel as bad when it does... uh... nope. Feels just as crappy. So yes, why don't I just enjoy right here... right now and work on my anxiety issues instead? Deep rooted anxiety (yeah, I take meds for it) that don't really have anything to do with my AH... but with me and MY lack of confidence in life.

I know I also get a 'high' from rescuing... from being the heroine and making sure that my loved ones are safe and sound from the 'baddies' of this world. Of course, it totally destroys me in the process and I end up getting severely depressed and anxious because it didn't work in the end... (head shake).

BabyBlue, Kindeyes, Lightseeker, Francismcan, laurie6781, Impurrfect, Wife2anaddict, coffeedrinker, anvilhead, eez, --- THANK YOU!!!! Wow, if I were in the same room with you I'd just start bawling and give you all a hug. I'd give you a big hug too Steve1840... and don't worry about hijacking this thread. Perhaps you can also start your own and get some good coping techniques that you can refer to when things get rough.

I know I will be referring back to this one constantly. This is the best place to come when I can't make a meeting... and I want to thank all of you --- even if you are not in these kinds of situations anymore... it's because of what you went through/are going through and have empathy for others... makes my heart hopeful.

Blessings to all of you this eve.

Babyblue

The best part of this thread.

I'm gonna use this one.

Steve: I've been blubbering for 3 months without any contact from the RABF. And he is still a mess, still in rehab, still recovering with or without my tears. The outcome won't change. My tears weren't going to wash him out of rehab, make the process any less painful for me.

So I decided that I am worth more than how I've been treated at this juncture. Yeah he has a good reason to be 'silent' but I could be in a coma with tubes out of my nose and he wouldn't know. That is what we are dealing with. The inability for them to give back. They can't. Not for a lonnng while.

I had a vision in my head of him as a dove (well more of a scroungy pigeon but still a bird), and I let the dove go and that is how I am perceiving my situation. I let it go. It is somewhere else and it may or may not come back to me but letting go, truly doing it is actually a great feeling. It gives me back MY control and my balance.

You are exhausted Steve. And her situation has not changed. She is your dove, let her go.

CanfixONLYme

BB... that's very insightful:

"That is what we are dealing with. The inability for them to give back. They can't. Not for a lonnng while"

I think this applies to those relapsing (of course), in rehab AND even out. Addicts have got to be the most selfish people in this world.

Once I get it in my head it's NOT about me... I think I'll be able to let my scrawny dove go and see where MY heart flies to... I'm thinking somewhere peaceful and warm (like Hawaii).

tam

no need to apologize, we all have been through it. give yourself credit because you are reaching out and acknowledging addiction and the problems it incurs on loved ones and your learning coping skills.
your doing fine, just keep focusing and seeking support for YOU.

many months ago I was exactly feeling the same things as you, I remember
people on here telling me it will get better..yeah right!! they are just being kind, Im too weak and scared...well its true canonlyfixme, it will get better for you as long as you focus on your recovery.

the best advise I received from a friend was try not to project, we seem to
do that as its a very emotional time we are going through, take a step back,
take a break , do something for you, slow down, keep coming on here, it truly got me where I am today. things will pan out and fall into place once you start working your program, trust me

hugs!