Kimmieh

How is that for a dramatic title?

After having his own apartment for the past 7 months or so, ABF lost his job (and therefore his apartment) a few days ago because of being stupid (and probably drunk). I don't even want to go there. Where I want to go is that he asked me if he can stay with me until he has a new job and apartment. I was going to post this here to ask you to send me some good energy to pull it off and say no. I should have, dammit!

I will spare you the details, but of course I took him in again. The first evening he had his beer here (don't ask whatever happened to that boundary). Yesterday he came home drunk and I b*tched at him and went to bed. I only saw him briefly today. He was going to move his stuff (I gave him money for gas ). He came home an hour ago totally wasted. Nothing got moved because of some truck problem (I don't really care). He claims he still has the money I gave him and I don't really care about that either. Right now he is passed out on the floor behind me and I have the opportunity to be reminded that I hate the smell of bar at my place. I should probably be grateful that he chose to pee into the kitchen trashcan instead of the floor or the bed. Woo-hoo.

Honestly, this is just too much. I feel so stupid that it is almost making me laugh. And the worst of it: I want to throw him out right now, but I couldn't even get him to the door. Fine, ok, I will wait until tomorrow, but I am afraid I won't be able to. What is this?? I just don't get it. Why would anyone put up with this?

I think I am posting because I need to pull this off tomorrow. I need to tell him that he has to stay elsewhere and that this relationship is over. But I am not sure how to go against all the "he will drink more, what if this, what if that, he has no money" 'compassion' bs that will pop up in my head when I try. I have wanted to do this so many times and I NEVER COULD. But I have to now because I am increasingly losing respect for myself for putting up with this and all the crap with men before him. Perhaps I should take a picture of him spitting on my carpet and peeing into the trashcan to remind myself of this lunacy when I start the talk tomorrow.

Thanks for listening and feel free to scold me for being stupid!

blessed4x

(((((Kimmieh))))) Thought I'd share my pee experience so you don't feel so alone. I started this thread in November:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...k-me-down.html

Hope I got it pasted right. I thought I was done at the time, but as you may know it took infidelity for me to reach my bottom. I don't think I EVER would have had the courage to take the leap towards a better life for me and my kids if I hadn't started attending Alanon and counseling......and it has only been 2 short months since I decided to make my recovery a priority.

You WILL get there kimmieh. Sending you (((hugs))) tonight.

CatsnDogs4Me

We've all been in your shoes - wanting to help our loved one because, well, we love them. No matter what they seem to do. Just wanted to send you a hug & say don't beat yourself up too much. I know you can find the strength to do the right thing for you. Take care.

Daisy30

When you tell him to go and he starts quacking, do not respond to it. Simply repeat that he must leave and the relationship is over. Do not get sucked in Just keep repeating the same words over and over to him. And if it helps Visualize him peeing in the trash can. Keep your focus....do not let him get you off track. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

You deserve better! Remember you are putting YOU first.

If you need motivation in the morning, come back and reread your post. It may help to packall his things up now and have them ready to go...that way he can make a quick exit.

Barbara52

Naw, you aren't an idiot. You just let your codie self take over the real you. So shove that codie self way down inside for tomorrow and act as you know you want to. If the codie voice pipes up about having compassion for him, tell the codie you have exercising compassion for yourself and for him by kicking him out again, that you deserve to have a home without the stench associated with him when he is drunk and that he deserves to be treated like an adult.

And once he's gone again ('cause I know you can do this) its time to start some serious work on yourself to figure out why that codie you comes back so strong at the first sign he needs to be rescued from himself. Concentrate on you and your own issues. Life will get better for you.

mle-sober

First off - just want to encourage you to take the obvious necessary steps that you yourself outlined.... Keep moving forward. This person is obviously not seriously interested in helping themselves. He sounds like a horribly itchy, clingy, foul-smelling sweater on a nice spring day. Ditch it.

Second off - hope to encourage you to stop saying and thinking that your reluctance to have even the most rudimentary boundaries is a matter of you not being ABLE to do so. I have made some very profound changes in my life by simply shifting my thinking from "I CAN'T" to "I am choosing not to." It's just more honest. And, at least for me, it encourages me to think through the excuses and roadblocks I am putting in my way.

Thirdly - You do an admirable job at finding the humor in it all.

Spiritual Seeker

I have learned that I don't need to suffer bec. of the actions of others, I must not allow myself to be used or abused and I must not prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events.

We do not need to accept the unacceptable or be a savior.
You let the insanity in. Now what ? C'mon

bearfeet

You are not an idiot! You are just doing what you have felt and still sometime do feel compelled to do but you are questioning it, that is the brilliant part and looking for a better path out of it.

I used to spend so long beating myself up for doing exactly what you described above. I couldn't even tell my friends and family what I was up to on these 'care missions' I had to lie and say I was the only person in the house because I knew what their reaction would be but despite knowing what I was doing was not helpful to me, My Baby or Him in the long run I couldn't stop myself. It was honestly like watching another person preforming those actions with my ands over my eyes peeping through the cracks.

So really don't beat yourself up, it is futile, spend the time figuring out how you will use all that energy on your own happiness now.

x

tallulah

What a catch huh? Don't beat yourself up for being a caring human being. The time to start thinking 'hang on a minute' is if he is still peeing in your trash can a year from now.

Sending you hugs :ghug

MissFixit

Your thread brought back the memories of my ex peeing in random places. Like marking territory when drunk. So odd.

I wonder how they would recieve us doing a similar bizarre action...hehe

GiveLove

Maybe you should've left the urine-sprayed trashcan alone, so you'd have to smell it for the next day or so. Nothing like the smell of pee and stale beer to keep us on track.

But seriously, kimmie, please don't do this to yourself. He is a grown man capable of getting and keeping a job and an apartment. He's not a child and you are not his mom....get him out of your space and let him suffer the repercussions of his choices.

Let yourself feel the disgust of what he's brought into your house, your sanctuary. Let yourself be angry that this man pees all over your boundaries. Don't fight it; USE it to regain your peaceful space again.

What happens tomorrow in your life is up to you.
What happens tomorrow in his life is up to him.

TakingCharge999

Hi Kimmieh, just offering some hugs. Alcoholism works like that. I am sorry for this guy. He seems very, very troubled. I am sad he is on that path, but well, who knows what bottom he needs to reach to wake up? If he ever reaches it...
Anyhow, please be gentle with yourself... this event will help you move forward in the future... the good thing is that you are more convinced now of the path to take, so that's good news please do something great for yourself today, even if its little...

steve11694

Unless you anticipate yourself becoming interested in bizarre water sports, you must preserve your sanity and health first and foremost. In the active addicts mind, nothing matters except the next drink.

Kimmieh

I wish I could address each of your post, but I don't have much time, so THANK YOU ALL for being so supportive! I can't even express how much this helps! :ghug

Right now he is gone (he left before I got up), so I still have time to brace myself to go through with this decision (so true that it is a decision - thanks for reminding me).

The trashcan is still there, along with the protective pad that I put on the carpet underneath him a minute before he peed again and the adult diaper I put on him afterwards to not have to deal with any more mess today. Damn, it's so sad...At this point, I honestly could go into a full-blown rage when I even think about someone peeing and spitting in my home, breaking stuff because they are too drunk to walk and fall into things. It's so disrespectful and it makes me not want to be here right now. It's sort of like desecrating my sanctuary and I can't have that.

I will go and clean around THAT particular mess now to feel a litte better being here (but HIS mess stays for him to see and smell). I will keep you posted. Thank you for being there! I always have these really good (as in tension-releasing) cries when I read your replies.

Still Waters

I can't imagine how crappy he must feel today, physically. I mean, wow. And yet he's up and off.

Amazing.

Ago

If it's not a kitten or a puppy, and it goes potty on the floor/ elsewhere inappropriate it can't stay at my house.

period

meeting him at the door and saying, "sorry, you can't come inside my house until you are potty trained. This is non-negotiable." I think is a very viable and fair boundary and would be VERY difficult to argue with.

HoopNinja

Someone here recommended this book to me
Playing it by heart : taking care of yourself no matter what by Melody Beattie. I liked it so much I bought a few more by her. It helped me to realize that I have gotten rid of some of my codie behavior by myself--but I am still hanging on to some of it and I need to shake it off and take care of me. I wish I had it with me--there were some really fantastic things that just woke me up.
Kimmieh, do you really have to even let him back into your apartment? Can't you just put his stuff out in the hallway and not answer the door. Does he have a key? I suppose if he does he can get in anyway but then you can let him know you are done. But if you already have his stuff in the hallway, maybe you can just say I'll take my key. I've had enough. Good-bye.

mle-sober

I'm confused here. Is this a typo? Tallulah, do you seriously mean to say that she should allow a year to go by before she begins to say, "hang on a minute"?

The time to start thinking, "hang on a minute" is now. Not a year from now.

You know the old saying, "Pee in my trash can once, shame on you. Pee in my trash can twice, shame on me."

LaTeeDa

Barbara52

Amen!

I wouldn't let him back in. Ever. Invite some friends over for moral support and safety if you need to but keep this non-potty-trained adult out of your home!