You are not an idiot! You are just doing what you have felt and still sometime do feel compelled to do but you are questioning it, that is the brilliant part and looking for a better path out of it.
I used to spend so long beating myself up for doing exactly what you described above. I couldn't even tell my friends and family what I was up to on these 'care missions' I had to lie and say I was the only person in the house because I knew what their reaction would be but despite knowing what I was doing was not helpful to me, My Baby or Him in the long run I couldn't stop myself. It was honestly like watching another person preforming those actions with my ands over my eyes peeping through the cracks.
So really don't beat yourself up, it is futile, spend the time figuring out how you will use all that energy on your own happiness now.
x