innamorata

I think that I must have some form of PTSD, due to many things that have happened to me in my life (no, I'm really not ready to talk about them yet, not in this open a forum, anyway).

Anyway...I feel this constant need to hide everything I do. Not just eating, though I hate to eat with or in front of people and much prefer eating alone. But everything...I can't work with someone hassling me or even coming by to check on me (when I had a "real" job, this was quite a struggle, because managers always walked by to check and see what an employee was doing)...it makes me a nervous wreck, I can't concentrate, and I end up doing something wrong or stupid. I don't like to have someone ask me what I am doing when I am working (I work from home now), or to ask me when something will be done, or how far it has come, or to see what I've gotten done so far...it just makes me nervous and upset. I don't like to tell anyone in my "real" life (or even cyberfriends) when I've started something like an exercise program or new eating plan, because I have the mindset that I am setting myself up for failure. Same thing if I start a new project for work or in my house. I don't like to shop with people. I don't like to do projects or such with anyone. Wow...I sound very antisocial. :mad1:

Really...I have friends that I enjoy doing some things with and talking to...and I am known as a friendly person. It is just that I don't let people in, I guess, and I've never understood people who can share every bit of their plans with others. I think, "What if you screw it up?"

Both my parents are/were pretty critical of my choices, although I'm not sure they try to be on purpose. Other kids always made fun of me in school for my choices and tastes...I guess this made me incredibly introverted in these areas of my life. And, being a creative type, this is something I really struggle with...because what I do involves people seeing what I create.

I just...it makes me a basketcase to think someone might critique me or make fun of me. It has kept me from doing many things that I should have.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

tasmin

hi innermorta,

i'm not sure but you seem like you have social phobia.

all the things you said about work and shopping i did those.
i hated visiting anyone and hated anyone coming to see me.
cause i'd get all stressed out.

i've learned to control this somewhat,

just an idea, look it up,

theres a forum here on social phobia.

tasmin

innamorata

Well...I just hate going shopping with people because I think I am boring them with my choice of store, or of what I'm looking at, and I become so worried that they are not having a good time or are bored with me or what I'm doing that I can't enjoy myself. And work...omg...have you ever seen the episode of "The Andy Griffith Show" with Barney's cousin Virgil, who screwed everything up when he knew someone was checking up on him but could create beautiful sculptures from wood when he was alone? That's me...

I'll have to check into this. I'm not sure...I mean, I do get out a lot, I see lots of people, and I have some close friends that I can do things with. I don't like people coming over because I'm worried that they are critiquing my house, my cleaning skills, my kids, whatever...but I don't necessarily have a problem going to someone else's house. I get a bit nervous before parties or if I have to walk into a crowded area (such as a gym or autotorium) but it isn't anything I don't work through. Maybe I do have social phobia...I know my mother has something like that really bad. She won't do anything with anyone.

I'll check into it, thanks...

innamorata

I'm gonna tell you guys something, that I'm not going to tell anyone about IRL...

I went today and filled out an application for a job. I work at home, and I love what I do, but it just isn't bringing in enough money. I happened to notice a job posting at my son's high school...guidance counselor secretary. This would be ideal...I already drive my son to school every morning (about seven miles away), and next year my daughter will be going to 5th grade there, so it would be great as I wouldn't have to pay a babysitter. For the rest of this year, she could just get on the bus and ride to the school and wait the rest of the day out with me (at the elementary school she is in now, K-4th, she gets out about 45 minutes earlier than he does). We'd all get there and leave at the same time every day, and I'd be off during most of the summer to be home with the kids. The deadline was today, and I just got it in under the wire.

It's a small school (maybe 600 students from 7th-12th), and the same one I attended, so I already know 95% of the faculty. I was nervous filling out the application...I haven't applied for a job in at least 15 years! But I think I could do this.

I'm not telling anyone IRL, because I couldn't handle the questions about how it is going...and what if I don't get it? I'd have to tell everyone that I didn't get the job, which would make me feel like a total failure, and I'd be completely embarrassed and depressed...at least, if I don't get it, the only one who knows is me, and nobody will laugh at me or talk about me.

Now, I recognize that this is not normal behavior. Why do I do this?

1Marty

Hello innamorata, I can relate to almost everything you said here. I have lost out on a lot that life has to offer me due to fear of people, shyness and anti-social tendancies. All of the issues you mentioned just cause so much stress in my life! I turned to alcohol for years. I became a full blown alcoholic quickly and needed it to get by daily. I quit drinking earlier this year because I had to - the drink finally did me in - I sunk to new lows. I am doing fairly well in with the alcohol recovery. But the social problems that I have are still somthing I need to work on. I believe I have some huge self esteem issues. Most of them started durring junior high school years, where I was also picked on and bullied. One good thing that I am doing today is I am finally talking this stuff over with a therapist. Not sure if its helping much yet (probably because I am still not opening up completely), but I guess its a start.

tasmin

hi marty,
well done on ur recovery.

i too was bullied in school and always felt like the weird kid! :-) in other words i didnt fit in.

overcoming this shyness, avoidance and isolating is hard but it sure is worth the effort.

5 years ago if anyone had told me i'd be in college today i would have said" yeah right"

for some reason unknown to me i just couldnt bring myself to interact with ppl without going bright red, which in turn made me feel uncomfortable meeting ppl.

i go most places alone now, swimming classes, yogo classes and college twice a week.

i still get little bouts of wanting to isolate myself from others, but i just think to myself" that they feel just as scared of new things as i do" and take a deep breath and do whatever i need/want to do.

your on the right path, talking about how you feel in these situations will help you realise what it is that causes you to feel like this.

keep up the good work.
all the best,
look after yourself.

tasmin

junem

I identify with you totally and it very much stems from a fear of failure and of letting other people down and being afraid of criticism. I too can be a very sociable person especially if there is something I can do for you. I long to be able to be closer to other people and talk about some of the trials and tribulations I am involved in but find it difficult to open up. The only place I feel I can totally open up and talk about what I am or am not doing is in therapy. I am diagnosed with PTSD and don't really know if that has something to do with it but it does feel like a safety issue to me.

Don W

Hi Welcome to SR. I read your post and some I can identify with. They are finding more and more about our minds. Many of the problems we have have different names but, share many symptoms. This is why some get misdiagnosed. Anyway, at this early stage the best I can offer is encouragement and understanding. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Don W

runningfree

I just happened to literally "stumble" by and I can totally relate to your thoughts and feelings. I am very social when I am feeling "accepted" in an arena of people that I seem to have "fooled."

I do not like to tell anyone anything that I plan to do or that I have accomplished because I feel like I am jinxing myself and the actual validity and possibility of success will be taken away. It is very strange, but it takes a lot of energy to live this way. I also do not like to eat with others especially those that are so controlled and worried about their weight. It makes me crazy and sends me off to binge alone after I have been with them. If I were to say that I have lost a pound in public then I for sure gain three pounds after I have admitted it to anyone. If I admit to having done something that is good then somehow it becomes not as good once someone knows about it. I find that keeping things to myself is safer and much easier.
I am sure that all of this has to do with self-esteem, acceptance, ability to accept successes and failures and so on.
I have a hard time getting really close to anyone right now because I have been burned by a friend and I will not "let out" to anyone else. My hubby is a wonderful human being, but not at all an emotional feelings listener. This has always kept me "on guard" until I have finally understood what his inabilities were.
I wish you luck with your job quest and if you do not get it then don't worry because I won't ask and you don't have to worry about me because what you don't tell I don't ask.

InvisibleNobody

Hi everyone -

I also seem to be always "on guard" when I'm around people. I never let anyone in, not even my family. I always seem to need to hide what ever it is that I'm doing, feeling, saying, etc. from everyone.

It's like if I said I felt one way, then I would get told that "No you don't. You feel this way." or some other similar phrase.

Or if I said that I think one way, it would get turn around and be said that it's not what I think.

etc. etc. etc.

So, if I can't feel, think, or say what it is that I actually feel, think, or say.....then why say it. It's just better to hide it. Better to hide the pain, the tears, everything. That way, nothing can be used against me. And nothing will be "wrong".

And when it comes to other people's actions/words/etc.....it's like I don't truely trust them. How can I believe them when they don't believe me.

-------

Sorry, kinda went a little off topic there.

But to resay what others have said, I was also bullied and picked on as a kid. And this too causes me to keep my guard up and not let anyone in. That way, no one can hurt me.

But, unfortunately, it takes a lot of energy to keep that guard in place on 24/7 guard duty and those walls to make sure others can't come in.

It gets extremely tiresome. And I for one and tired of spending that much energy on those guards and walls. But I don't know how to let them go. And to let someone in. So I no longer have to hide everything anymore.

Can anyone help me with this?:insane

stonetree

It seems that ptsd can bring along other anxiety disorders as well.

I think its not uncommon for people with ptsd to also experience social anxiety (loss of trust and self esteem), panic attacks and/or generalized anxiety and maybe phobias too.

I think its fairly common to not only suffer from one anxiety disorder but at least two simultaneously.
Also, if one addresses one anxiety problem and works on that it might become another anxiety, for example if one treats panic attacks it might result in generalized anxiety without panic. Thats fairly normal on the route to recovery I would say.

It follows that all the anxiety disorders arent as clear cut as they are often depicted. Anxiety is anxiety and it can take many forms.
I myself have suffered from all of the anxiety disorders (panic, generalized, social and post traumatic), either simultaneously or one symptom was predominant while the other ones lurking in the background. Its all pretty frustrating.

Don W

Hi everyone, I'm enjoying your posts. A little humor. Sometimes I'm glad I'm crazy because I understand all of you perfectly. Don W