why do i feel like i have to hide everything?
I think that I must have some form of PTSD, due to many things that have happened to me in my life (no, I'm really not ready to talk about them yet, not in this open a forum, anyway).
Anyway...I feel this constant need to hide everything I do. Not just eating, though I hate to eat with or in front of people and much prefer eating alone. But everything...I can't work with someone hassling me or even coming by to check on me (when I had a "real" job, this was quite a struggle, because managers always walked by to check and see what an employee was doing)...it makes me a nervous wreck, I can't concentrate, and I end up doing something wrong or stupid. I don't like to have someone ask me what I am doing when I am working (I work from home now), or to ask me when something will be done, or how far it has come, or to see what I've gotten done so far...it just makes me nervous and upset. I don't like to tell anyone in my "real" life (or even cyberfriends) when I've started something like an exercise program or new eating plan, because I have the mindset that I am setting myself up for failure. Same thing if I start a new project for work or in my house. I don't like to shop with people. I don't like to do projects or such with anyone. Wow...I sound very antisocial. :mad1:
Really...I have friends that I enjoy doing some things with and talking to...and I am known as a friendly person. It is just that I don't let people in, I guess, and I've never understood people who can share every bit of their plans with others. I think, "What if you screw it up?"
Both my parents are/were pretty critical of my choices, although I'm not sure they try to be on purpose. Other kids always made fun of me in school for my choices and tastes...I guess this made me incredibly introverted in these areas of my life. And, being a creative type, this is something I really struggle with...because what I do involves people seeing what I create.
I just...it makes me a basketcase to think someone might critique me or make fun of me. It has kept me from doing many things that I should have.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?