12877

Hi all new here.

Well here I go again after 5 years of sobriety I have relapsed again towards the end of September 2023.You know the common story for the real alcoholic when you think you could finally moderate after being sober for that length of time. Nope

I guess I did ok at first like the first couple months like just on weekends(yeap doesn't this sound familiar?) And only after 5 and I was able to maintain it for that duration with maybe some weekdays here and there but the whole time it was in excess when I did. Like 12 pack each time.

Then came December and decided to switch to vodka because apparently hard liquor has zero carbs haha. Well bad idea. Now I was drinking a fifth of vodka on weekend nights ughh. The funny thing is that after those 5 years of abstinence I still had a high tolerance to alcohol. Like the whole freaking 12 pack and still felt ok. I mean yes I was intoxicated but nothing crazy. Weird.

Well now I'm in little of trouble because I had a recent 6 day bender, like I was drinking during the day too. And on that 6th day towrds the end of that bender i was feeling extremely uncomfortable from the hang over and very strong craving to drink again. And I was like no I can't and I haven't. I'm now almost 2 days without a drink. Just experiencing a lot of anxiety right now. Yeah I know what happened the last time I was in this situation and it was not good. Just upset that I wound up a bender like that. Kinda scary.

Also I've been on here a lot lately and it's been really helpful and I'm thankful for that.

M

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, 12877.

You can recapture your sobriety and make it last,

During your five sober years, were you actively supporting your sobriety - AA meetings, etc.? Many people here here have a support system (SR, AA, SmartRecovery, counseling) to be integral to their success.

Hevyn

Glad you are here, 12877. You found a great place for understanding & encouragement.

I did the same thing years ago. Except I went back out for 7 yrs. before my world came crashing down. That's when I found SR, & the support I received helped me to never feel alone.

As SoberLeigh said - you can have lasting sobriety. I'm proof of that, as are many of us. It's good you were scared - it will keep you vigilant. I am now convinced that even one drink will send me back to that terrible place. You can do it, M.

12877

Yeah prior to those 5 years i was doing AA. Think I did ok, but honestly I didn't like it. But that's just me and believe it could be very helpful. But then I hit my rock bottom I was a complete mess. I would have relapses that would spiral out of control and wound up in a inpatient 30 day rehab. That really helped me so much. And ironically after I was discharged I was able to maintain my sobriety for those 5 years without any further support, I just told myself that I didn't want to end up like that ever again. But I've relapsed again. So that's the problem I have now. I have take this very serious because obviously I can't moderate.

M

12877

@SoberLeigh

Yes I would consider a support system this being one of them. I honestly have some fear because of that bender i had. That was like a huge red flag, and a sign of really horrible things ro come if I were to continue down that path.

Right now just to deal with all the anxiety. Just upset with myself for what I did.

M

12877

Ughh..its just horrible isn't it? Me ending up in bender like that is a really bad sign. I cant continue drinking. But like i said i have almost 2 days without a drink. I do not want to end up in a rehab again.

M

12877

Yeah right now I just have really bad anxiety. Its just like this raw feeling that i dont like. Horrible feeling. I wish I could just make it disappear. Now I truly have a desire for another drink because I just came off that bender recently but I won't just saying how I feel. I know after 5 days without I drink ill be in better shape.

Now I have this fear though because honestly those 5 years that I was sober felt like it was a miracle. I feel like this time I might not have such luck.

M

Dee74

Welcome back 12877

I don't think it's luck - I think it's hard work that differentiates between those who drink again and those who don't.
That's good news as I see it cos not everyone has luck but everyone has the capacity to work hard.

I stopped confusing abstinence for control. My life is great now because I stopped drinking, not because I reset myself and somehow gained control over my drinking.

I keep it simple - dont take the first drink.
If I think about taking that first drink it's my addiction in control, not me.

The temptation to drink just to function again is real - but it's a false promise.
You know that.

You clearly know how to get sober - now this time gives you the opportunity to learn how to stay sober

D

12877

Thanks Dee. You're absolutely right it is about the work and effort that's put into it. In my case during my 5 years that I was sober I believe that I was scared to death. I rarely thought about drinking. Just didn't want to be there again, but yes there was some work involved. There were sporadic moments were it was a little tempting during family gatherings. But like I was too frightened to try it. I feel that's what kept sober so long. That's just how bad that relapse was. But here I am again thinking I could moderate ughh..

I'm just glad this forum exists. Its helped immensely so far.

M

Dee74

Use us as much as you need to 12877

Fear can be a great motivator but it's rarely a lasting one.
Acceptance worked way better for me.

I accept that I'm an alcoholic.

Any thoughts of drinking are my addiction talking, and I have to shut that sucker down.

D

12877

Oh yeah I accept that I'm an alcoholic too. And this last relapse that i had thinking that i could moderate after so long really confirmed it.

M

12877

I was able to get up after being couch bound for the past couple days Can't let anxiety keep in like that. So I shook my head while making sound effects with my cheeks haha got up and took a good shower, that in itself improved my mood significantly. Then got out of the house and took my daughter to go eat something. That actually felt good to me. I'm so thankfull to have her.

I just can't drink again. That's a decision that I'm making. None of this I'm-gonna-try-weekends-again nonsense. No way. No!

I think I liked the place where I was at before so much better. Waking up having my coffee every morning(well a few through out the day)and my time with family and friends. I actually enjoyed this and all without drinking. I don't need alcohol I'm life. I could actually find happiness if I really want to. Alcohol was getting to take that away from me. I can't allow that.

M

Dee74

That's the stuff 12877
D

12877

Thanks!

12877

Thank goodness I stopped this in it's tracks. I was already experiencing strong physical effects from the excess alcohol intake. Literally poisoning me! What was I thinking?

I mean drinking one fifth of vodka within a 6 hour period has to be detrimental to one's health. I was really feeling it in my extremities. This is another reason I was like nope, no more this has to stop! Something horrible is going to happen if I keep this up.

I think this was a learning lesson that I will never be able to drink normally again. I proved that to myself with this relapse.

If you're a real alcoholic and think you could moderate? Don't even think about it! Alcohol was getting ready to take me down. I was going to be around-the-clock drinking in no time. That's where I was heading. It was so close. I was really close to where I was going to end up on a medical leave from work too. This would mean more drinking(like a 2 week bender) and this would be day and night drinking. Could you imagine? At this stage I wouldn't be able to stop for the life of me. I would end up in the hospital! And that's no fun. Then I would have to be medicated in order for me to stop. Otherwise no chance. With my alcoholism I wouldn't be able to taper off using alcohol successfully. No way. This is why I would have to get medicated. That whole scenario would be so horrific. No thanks.

This is why I was like no way. Not this time. I know it's going to be work, but it has to be done. I don't want to end up that way again.

M

biminiblue

Never forget, 12877. Never forget.

uncle holmes

Glad you made it back! I was a chronic relapser before finally getting and staying sober. The third treatment center I went into specialized in relapse prevention as well as the 12 step AA program. While in there they recommended the book Staying Sober: A Guide For Relapse Prevention by Terrence T Gorski and Merlene Miller.

While in there I started reading that book and realized everything in there was exactly me. From the relapse starting even before you drink to learning how to interrupt the relapse syndrome before you pick up a drink.

To post a cute withdrawal symptoms (PAW) after you quit drinking 1. Inability to think clearly 2. Memory problems. 3. Emotional overreactions. 4. Sleep disturbances. 5. Physical coordination problems. 6. Stress sensitivity.

After you sober up PAW falls into 4 categories. 1. Regenerative PAW: It gets better. 2. Degenerative PAW: It gets worse. 3. Stable PAW: It stays the same. 4. Intermittent PAW: It comes and goes.

After looking at my relapse pattern I realized I was in category 2 - Degenerative PAW: It gets worse every time I sober up. The good news is Degenerative PAW can be turned into Stable PAW (It stays the same) or Intermittent PAW (It comes and goes).

So my relapse prevention plan was 1. Get control of yourself. 2. Self assessment. Find out what is going on in your head, heart, and life. 3. Relapse Education. Learn about relapse and what to do to prevent it. 4. Warning sign identification. Make a list of your personal warning signs. 5. Warning sign management. Learn how to interrupt warning signs before you lose control. 6. Inventory training. Learn how to become consciously aware of warning signs as they develop. 7. Review the recovery program. Make sure your recovery program is able to help you to manage your warning signs. 8. Involvement of significant others. Teach others how to work with you to avoid relapse. 9. Follow up. Update your relapse prevention plan regularly.

It’s important to note I also went back to AA meetings and the 12 step program while using the relapse prevention method. At the time I knew all about AA and the 12 steps like the back of my hand. And it didn’t stop me from drinking.

When I combined relapse prevention with AA and the 12 steps that’s when I was able to get and stay sober. I now have 31 years of continuous sobriety.

If you choose not to go back to AA I would at least use this forum as well as getting that book “Staying Sober” by Terrence Gorski and Merlene Miller. Good Luck and I hope you make it!!

12877

Thank you biminiblue I won't. I want to stay sober!

12877

Thank you! Lots of useful information here.

I think as far as PAWS is concerned I think I would fall under the regenerative category. Once I'm sober for at least a month I tend to get better from there. Yes I'll have my moments here and there but I do improve.

Yes I want to get that book "staying sober" sounds like a really good read to me! Anything for my recovery!

Hevyn

You've learned a lot because of the relapse. That's how it was for me, too. I guess I needed further convincing. No more experimenting with 'social drinking'. It is absolutely not possible for me to control or moderate once that first drink goes down. All my resolve & determination abandons me, & I'm left looking for the next drink, and the next. This never has to happen to us again.

Glad you are feeling optimistic & determined.