biminiblue

...and yeah, to echo Hevyn:

I quit drinking for 18 years. When I started up again I was able to drink "moderately" for a while till I didn't.

It's very unpredictable, and I won't try that experiment again.

nez

I heard that a lot. People had no idea I drank as much as I did. I always knew though! And I knew in my soul. I knew that I didn't want to drink. And I knew it was killing me. If drinking was a solution for me, how come I kept winding up hell. Ashamed and disgusted with myself.

Apologies aren't necessary. Plenty of us have been there and can relate. In sobriety, that is one apology you never have to make again...and oh what relief that is! Decide to choose sobriety going forward. You can do it!

Dee74

What’s done is done, man.

I’d throw everything I had at making sure you never get in this situation again.

Think about the factors that led you to drinking again - and shut that door for good.

The posts above are right - pick the road you know is the the best one, plug the leaks in your recovery plan and stay sober

froscow

Don't feel guilty or ashamed..You're only human. Just accept it and move on, if you managed 3 years (which is great, congrats) then you know you can manage the rest of your life.

Your brain might tell you things in the next little while like " hey, I drank and that didn't go so bad. My cousin couldn't tell" "I think I've changed since a few years ago". Please don't give into these thoughts , and they're exactly that. Just thoughts, not truths necessarily. You played with fire yesterday and thank goodness you didn't get burned, but that won't be the case every time. Try replacing the guilt with gratitude and relief that nothing bad happened, and that you can get right back on the horse. Thanks for your honesty..you got this!

dustyfox

To echo Dee ....what's done is done...
Move on... have a plan to stay sober...stick to the plan..
We are all right behind you, willing you on...

RecklessEric

I think you're in a dangerous place now, Amnesiac.
Maybe you think you got away with it and nothing terrible happened.
Maybe you're right.
But I do know that if you think you can tip along just drinking to curb your anxiety, it won't end well.

Personally, the day I overcame anxiety for the first time without a drink was one of the best days of my life.

Amnesiac

I'm honestly scared. Fear is the strongest emotion u have right now. I just played Russian roulette I know I have no business drinking ever again. I lost my last job because of drinking. I'm just really really scared.

RecklessEric

Did you say you went three years without a drink?
That's evidence that you can do it.
Ask yourself if you have control in this situation.
The rational answer is that you do.
Love the avatar, btw.

Obladi

I’ve heard this “I’m scared” song before, hell I probably wrote a few verses.

The only thing to fear is the consequences if you continue to drink.

What is your plan now, Amnesiac?

Amnesiac

I'm going to ask this therapist I see tomorrow if he can come up with a plan with me. He's got a background in addiction and is really smart.

advbike

If you stop now, no damage is done, and even your cravings will be minimal. You will be right back on track. If you keep drinking like I did, it won't take long before you are in a bad place again. It's just not worth it, friend.

Hevyn

Let us know how the meeting with your therapist goes. You'll be on my mind - hoping this is the last time you have to be scared & miserable.

fini

well, you didn’t get away with anything, of course. you know exactly what happened and planned it, and it’s not like it matters if anybody else noticed.
what matters in a plan or a program is that you follow it.
that is what saves you from acting on the feeling-of-the-moment. engraining actions so that you don’t stumble and trip up because of a want.

dustyfox

You should be scared of continuing to drink, not stopping.
Stopping drinking is the single most positive thing you can do to stop yourself feeling scared, and it works!

silentrun

I'm sorry to hear you drank. I think your fear over this is right on. I know you have been working your ass off to get some relief and its slow going but you know drinking is the absolute worst way to get that relief.
​You deserve to be proud of yourself over what you have accomplished this past three years. That is still you because you're going to navigate this.

Obladi

hmmmm, well that's a tough one, isn't it?

I made plans with a variety of people - what I would do if I got the idea of drinking into my head. Problem was, once I was at a place where my brain was presenting me with options, the decision was already made. You know? It felt like I didn't even have a chance to stop the boulder from rolling down the hill - it was already in motion the very moment the 'debate' began. The only thing I had going for me (if that's what you would call it) is that I knew this about myself. So I could be honest in saying, "This probably won't work, but sure - we can make a plan (that I know I won't follow through on)." And I don't think it was exactly that I was oppositional, it was more like... I'd lost the power of choice, you know?

Finally, I decided that I need to stay at least two steps away from my next drink. That gives me time to really examine what is going on with me before I get to the point of thinking about drinking as a possible solution. This requires a high degree of self-awareness - at least it does for me. I need to always bear in mind that when I start getting that "I can't stand this anymore" feeling, I absolutely have to stop and pay attention to what is happening and how I can take care of myself right then. It was an awful lot of work in the beginning, but it's become easier with time.

I hope that makes a little bit of sense and might be helpful to you in some way.

Mizz

Ive been contemplating this situation.
Being scared is a perfectly normal response.

Mentally and emotionally you took the drink long before posting here. I am not sure if anyone could of said anything to stop you from the action. There seemed to be a lot of feelings and thoughts leading up to your escape from yourself.

I think the only way out of this is to deal with the feelings and thoughts that lead you to resorting to old destructive behavior. We all make decisions that will either empower us or take away our power. With three years of sobriety, I have no doubt that you can make it over this hurdle. You can get a better understanding of your inner world and build on your skills set of healthy tools. When this comes up again you will be armed with more tools and will make a different decision. Its all a work in progress. Keep moving forward. Do not be defeated.

Amnesiac

So I have a more regular therapist and then this guy I saw yesterday was doing some tests on me to get a more concrete idea of mental health issues I might have.


The guy I saw yesterday I think is smarter than my regular therapist, and he has a background in addiction (and was a counselor at Hazelden for a little while as well).


His testing results (which we initiated prior to my drinking on Sunday) indicated I have "Avoidant Personality Disorder", some PTSD and perhaps a couple other things. He is going to finalize his findings in writing and get them to me.


When I asked him what he felt what I did on Sun was, a "slip" or a "relapse", he said it was a relapse. The terminology is moot, really.


I asked him if he felt I should do a new Rule 25 and/or get into treatment again (in or out) and he said he felt I just needed to get to some meetings.

Also, per his evaluation findings, he thinks it prudent that I get on an SSRI and do a DBT class/course as well. I told him I want him as a therapist going forward if nothing else because of his addiction background, and he said if I do the DBT course he agreed to do therapy with me in the future.


Moreover, i don't think I mentioned this before but my supervisor is in recovery (17 years) and he knows about my addiction issues and has from day-1. He and I had a couple long conversations in the last couple days as well. He reiterated his number is always open.


Other than all of that, that's where I am. Wish I could get in to see the psych doc for medication update but I think I'm going to have to wait until first week January.


Told my supervisor there are five days aroudn this time of year that present trouble for me and were heavy drinking days for me: Halloween, T-Giving, Christmas, NYE/D and my birthday shortly after. So I guess I'm not at the half-way point of dodging these bullets but I am sober today.

Evoo

I think a couple of things:
1). You don't actually want to drink. That's clear from your post. You know the consequences and the emptiness alcohol brings. You've lived it.
2). There's more at play here than drinking. I'd be more concerned by the "who cares anyway" feeling you're having, that's evidence of depression and deeper issues at play than alcohol. Have you talked to a therapist or anyone about it?

If you're feeling bored and lost in sobriety and your life, it may be time for a change.

Hope you don't drink!!

Patcha

The good news is that recovery is a set of skills you can practice and get better at. It's not chance or luck. It's concrete skills that can be quantified and practised. Like sitting with an urge to drink and not picking up. The more you practice the better at it you get. It's exercise for your brain.