I think I'm going to drink...
 

Not sure where to post this. I don't post here enough to know the etiquette of this forum.

Here is the background. I am coming up on 3 years without a drink, but I got a Christmas party coming up on Sunday that I don't want to skip, but I have social anxiety and have been extremely off lately. Just don't feel right.


In the last year whenever I thought of alcohol - the withdrawals, the sweats, the insomnia that would ensue - It would still turn my stomach. But I think I'm at the point where I do not care anymore. Gonna sneak a pint of JD in my sock just in case.


What one or two things would you say to me that might snap my mind back to the reality of this thing? "Playing the tape backwards" doesn't always work for me, nor do I think I give a s*** anymore if I lose anything because I really have no friends and the family I do have are limited.


Anything that you could say to me that might keep me on the level through Sunday?

I wouldn't go to the party if I was worried about it. I really don't particularly like "parties" that are about drinking, so I don't go to them. If there's some other reason to be there I would weigh the importance of my sobriety vs the importance of the event. My sobriety always wins.

I also would never have alcohol in my possession.

What is different now? Do you believe you can drink moderately? We've all tried that one. All I can say is you'll get what you always got. Maybe not on Day One of drinking, but soon.

Been there.

There might be some booze there but everyone there knows I have no business drinking ever again. All the people there will be normies who can drink a wine cooler or beer or whatever.

So, what is the motivation? To ease your social anxiety? I would say that you'll be fine without it.

Or is there someone who will be there who causes you angst? What is the reason behind wanting to drink?

My social anxiety in general - I wish I could explain how bad it is for me. I am trying to continue to see a therapist and have an appointment with a doc to change my psych meds, but that's over a month away.


The truth of the matter is that I feel like I am getting to the point of not caring about this life anymore anyways.

It's been a challenging couple of years for all of us, ya know?

I'm not a fan of party situations unless I know people pretty well. Social anxiety is super common, Amnesiac.

If you think the only way to go is to drink, don't go.

My plan over Christmas is to eat a lot, I am looking forward to the food

Play the tape forward. How will drinking make you feel afterward? If going to the party makes you want to drink, don't go. Drinking never improves anything, just makes things worse. :(

You wouldn't be here asking for help if this was true, right? If you are indeed getting to that point then perhaps seeking some professional help might also be in order? It's perfectly acceptable to ask for help in that area - believe me, a lot of us have been there.

Holidays are a notorious time of the year to want to just throw in the towel, but as many others have said drinking right now would be the single worst possible decision you could make. Everything that is bad will be worse if you do, 100% guaranteed.

I'm not sure how to answer this. I'm coming fresh off the bottle again, only 7 days in.

What I do know is this community has been fantastic, and I'm thinking maybe more support from here could help. I think the suggestion of not going is a decent one. I think you really want to go though. Is that to be involved socially? Is it a reason to drink?

If it's to be social, that means there are people you care about and care about you.

If it's for a reason to drink and you're feeling like life is **** and you don't give a ****, maybe it's time for some more immediate medical attention (I'm not sure what that looks like to you - walk in, ER, crisis line, etc) just don't want somebody feeling like that. I've been there, it's scary as hell. I had somebody around me to ship me off to the ER with the police thankfully.

Oh man, don't throw away three years. I did that in 2017 and I'm STILL trying to get back to consistent long term sobriety. It just doesn't work and your life will get miserable really quickly. Just don't go the the stupid party if you can't handle the anxiety.

Hi Amnesiac. I'm glad you posted.
I suffer from the same anxiety. I finally realized it was only made worse by drinking. If I could have controlled it maybe it would have helped, but I never could stop myself from getting numb and stupid. Then there were the next day's regrets & remorse. Never worth it in the end. It seemed like an answer, but it was damaging and destructive. You don't need it. I'm glad you're wanting to be in therapy.

(The last time I started drinking again I had 3 yrs. sober. I picked up a glass of wine without thinking much about it. That led to years more of trying to manage it, with disastrous results. Please don't do this to yourself.)

we’ve known each other a good many years now, D.

If you need proof it’s a bad idea re read some of your old posts, or read some newcomer posts of people who thought going back to drinking might be ok.

Like Bim says, these are hard times for just about everyone, me included. Feeling anxious, or trapped or scared of the future is, I think, a pretty widespread thing.

I’m not sayingwe all got problems, shut up…I’m trying to say that a lot of us have some idea of how you feel and we empathise.

I know it might be not much comfort to know other people feel this way too… but what is important is taking the right steps to deal with the problem, not the wrong ones.

If your mental health is suffering can you try and bump your Doc appointment up a little closer?

Whatever the answer to your inner turmoil is, it’s not in a bottle, man. If it was you’d have solved the problem years ago.

Drinking improves nothing. It sounds like you're not having much quality of life in sobriety right now. No wonder you want to drink! However, if drinking made you happy you would have kept drinking. If drinking made you feel engaged with and happy about like, you would have kept drinking. Instead, drinking drove you to seek recovery. You still need recovery, it's just not very rewarding right now. If you start drinking again, you may not be able to stop again. You might have a black out and hurt yourself or someone else. It's not worth the risk. It's better to stay sober, be gentle with yourself and just get through the day a moment at a time. This will pass. Everything is impermanent.

I wonder if you believe that drinking will snap you out of the funk you are in? The problem is if you think you feel bad now imagine the self loathing you will feel when your eyes creak open at 3am in the morning, your mouth bone dry tasting like rotten garbage. For a moment you don't remember why you feel so awful. Then it comes rushing back, you gave up three years of sobriety for this. You thought the anxiety was bad before but now your heart is racing and you feel horrible. Full of regret you now have to decide, do I get up and continue drinking or wade through the ugly, murky depths of withdrawals? Either way you can forget about that yummy cup of coffee waiting for you in the morning because you won't be eating or drinking comfortably for awhile. Is it worth this and losing all you gained?

You have social anxiety, anxiety bad enough you need to drink to overcome it, but it's a party you don't want to miss. I think this has less to do about being social and more about just wanting to drink.

doggonecarl beat me to the punch, as they are prone to do so much of late.

I have social anxiety too, so I can relate. However:
1. "Not wanting to miss a party" is no reason to go to said party.
2. And anyhow, how does that even make sense? You don't want to miss a party but you need to drink to bear the party?

Nope, nope, nope. That's your addicted brain making up lame excuses for why you 'need' to drink.

If things are so desperate that you don't care to continue on in this life, then that needs action. Not of a drinking variety either. You know that.

Here's what helped me: Someone once asked me, "What is the worst thing that could happen to you if you pick up a drink again?" Actually, I've heard that more than once, and I was like you, "Well, duh, I know what's going to happen. There is no need to play any tape forward. And also, I Don't Care." I always thought, "Well, I'll die. And that's fine." Until I really really thought about the question (sober helped with this puzzle) and I thought, "You know what? The absolute worst thing would be if I did not die, but continued to live for another several decades as I did during those later years of dire addiction. Imagine that."

So maybe think really honestly about what would be the absolute worst thing that might happen to you - not judged by other people's yardstick of what's the worst thing. Judged by your measure.

O

p.s. It's very badass that you came here to post about this. Good for you.

I have had social anxiety but my anxiety improved in sobriety. Inner work I've done has helped with that a lot - spiritual work actually, not within the medical system. But that's me, everyone is different. Plus you have said yours is bad, and I appreciate that.

What I'd say is stating the obvious: there are some problems in life that cannot be resolved magically by getting sober. They need to be addressed by other means and by doing other work. Being sober means you are far better equipped to do that work.

Drinking again will leave you with a drinking problem plus your original problem, now magnified.

“Gonna sneak a pint…..”
That sounds like you’ve made a decision.
You have to decide otherwise if you hope to avoid alcohol. Really effing hard to flip that, I think, …..hopefully members here can help.

Heard of a couple that decided to have one last ‘hoorah’ before getting real about being sober. One is now dead, the other in jail.

Avoiding that party might save your life.
Get back to your support network. People cafe, we care.

Stay well friend.

There's a lot of people here who get what you are saying, that's a rare thing to find - a community of people that can say they have walked in your shoes and you know they really have. They have and so you know what they are all saying is real - don't go to the party, don't drink, instead post here.