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I think I'm going to drink...

Old 12-04-2021, 06:47 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Why are you setting yourself up to relapse? 3 years is a good stretch of sobriety and it takes a lot of work to get there. Im a bit sad for you right now. I do hope you make the right decisions in regards to this situation. Its one party. Nothing more.
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Old 12-04-2021, 07:35 AM
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It's a family thing. I'm just uncomfortable around anyone - even family.


It's a social phobia thing. I have been thinking about starting another thread on my mental health issues as well here and getting some feedback on some really tough circumstances I face with my social anxiety/phobia. I'm mentally defective. It's hard to articulate unless you met me - I won't even go to meetings anymore because I'm so socially awkward - I think I might just commit suicide here eventually, I just dgaf I don't think much more. Not really sure at this point what's left to hold on to as I'm in my 40s now, never had the wife I wanted or kids that I wanted and that looks like it isn't going to happen.


I was just trying to think back in this 3 year stretch of similar times that I thought I would have a nervous breakdown at some event and managed to not drink, and I thought of my dad's 70th birthday just before he died. I some how got through that without drinking as I recall. Maybe I can remind myself of that instance and just man-up and not drink that JD.


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Old 12-04-2021, 07:39 AM
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Maybe a call to the Dr! Counseling?

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Old 12-04-2021, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
1. We drank to 'handle' uncomfortable situations. We don't drink anymore. We might hate the discomfort of our own self-centered shame, fear, awkwardness, but we've learned we can live through these seemingly unbearable situations. You can and should ditch the pint and go (or not go) to the party sober.
2. I wish I had a second thing, but the best other thing I have is just Never Drink Now. Each moment is Now. You're not drinking right now, right? Keep doing that - over and over and over again. Time passes. You can get through the time one moment at a time.
Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
No one ever died from social anxiety. It's just discomfort.



Alcohol has killed millions.

I hope you make the right choice here. Get rid of that pint.

Who is going to be at that party that has you so anxious? You say they're your friends - if they are your friends they would not want you to hurt yourself.
Originally Posted by Free2bme888 View Post
Maybe a call to the Dr! Counseling?
I am seeing a therapist weekly at the moment. Want to get another one because I don't think this current guy is getting to the core of my mental issues.
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Old 12-04-2021, 07:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Amnesiac View Post
I am seeing a therapist weekly at the moment. Want to get another one because I don't think this current guy is getting to the core of my mental issues.
I met with 3 different therapists before I found one that was a great fit. And to be honest if you aren't feeing a good connection with your current one you should tell them - they would want to know and may have a recommendation.
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Old 12-04-2021, 08:13 AM
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I do understand being socially awkward and how hard it is to be around others. I understand the thought process of wanting to escape that awkwardness by drinking. That being said, everyone has some of this happening in them. We can all feel this to certain degrees. Some more than others. Drinking will not take any of it away. Maybe in the "Moment" you will "feel" a bit better, but drinking is destructive and will only set you back. From what I gathered, you are not drinking just to drink.....You are drinking to get relief from something and that something exists in you whether there is alcohol or not. I think this forum exists because we used alcohol in ways that were unhealthy and unproductive resulting in a dependency and active alcoholism. Drinking to escape feelings is not the solution. That being said, you have come here to talk about it and that is ONE solution. Now to find more solutions....

So, you have some stuff to deal with. You didn't come this far just to throw in the towel over ONE party. Your family knows who you are. I think? I highly doubt they want to see you throw away your sobriety due to some feelings you are having at this moment.

If you didn't care you would not be sober for the last 3 years. Perhaps you have come to a cross roads mentally but there is nothing in a bottle that will make any of what you are going through easier or clearer or healthier. This bottle of JD is not worth any or all the progress you have made.

Kids and family. That can still happen. It CAN. Don't give up on yourself. See this through. Give the bottle away. Contact a different health professional. You can do this. You are proof that you can remain sober even through all the life's ups and downs.
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Old 12-04-2021, 08:27 AM
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I second Scottís suggestion. I needed to try a number of counselors before I found the right one. That was a monumental task because I felt so crap, you know? It was SO worth it to put in the effort.

You know, there are different types of therapy. Most of the people I saw used a CBT approach. Didnít work for me, but I know itís worked for lots of others. My counselor is a psychotherapist and that works for me.

I think you are right - somethingís not working. It is good that you recognize this, even as horrible as you feel right now. Keep on, man. You can see we are all rooting for you.
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Old 12-04-2021, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
I second Scottís suggestion. I needed to try a number of counselors before I found the right one. That was a monumental task because I felt so crap, you know? It was SO worth it to put in the effort.

You know, there are different types of therapy. Most of the people I saw used a CBT approach. Didnít work for me, but I know itís worked for lots of others. My counselor is a psychotherapist and that works for me.

I think you are right - somethingís not working. It is good that you recognize this, even as horrible as you feel right now. Keep on, man. You can see we are all rooting for you.
The thing that pisses me off is the trial-and-error of trying new medications to try to help anxiety. Moreover, just to get in to see a psych doctor to adjust your medications - they are all booked way out. I set up an appointment a month ago to get in to see someone in January. It's all very frustrating.


I hope enough of the posts here that I've read keep me sober through the weekend.
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Old 12-04-2021, 09:22 AM
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My experience with psychiatrists isnít great. My therapist doesnít prescribe medications, my GP does. Do you have a good family doctor?

Destroying that pint would be a good step to act on that hope youíre working on?
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Old 12-04-2021, 03:20 PM
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Only in your 40's? That's really is a great time to stop drinking and build the life you want.
I say go for it - like you said your self ''man -up and not drink that JD'
I hope there is something here that someone has said that will keep you sober and give you the courage to believe things can change. Because they do.
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Old 12-04-2021, 03:58 PM
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I hope you get rid of that pint. Nothing good can come of it.
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Old 12-04-2021, 07:50 PM
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Here is what I will say.

I think we as a society confuse faith with belief in an irrational idea. Sure, that is often profound faith, but we all have to admit that everything is to some degree an irrational idea. All our ideas are agreed upon constructs of some kind, and once you scratch the surface, we usually believe in one thing: pleasure, sugar, booze, sex, caloric intake. Another thing, another part of religious thought or just any old thought, are teachings. And teachings require faith as well. Doing anything that runs against the social contract and pleasure calculation is hard. Doing anything that isn't pleasure based is hard.

Where we have faith other things are 'true' it is usually with assistance from someone else. It's hard to do anything in a vacuum much less have faith in a teaching and then put that teaching into a long range plan of action. For example, a priest tells you this or that, and maybe you can do it -- maybe you can be a decent person -- but there is a ton of backsliding. An MD offers you a proscription, which is sort of like an agreement, or contract type of teaching that we have faith in due to, I don't know, the drama, the precedent, a social contract wherein whatever passing popular medication that will be superseded in ten or twenty years is worth ingesting. Think about the degree of faith that takes. But this faith isn't hard because it is completely interwoven into our social fiber.

And then there is boozing in moderation. This is a collective teaching many of us, indeed most of the world, has faith in.

The strongest faith is one that is never questioned. For example, faith in God among children. Or, belief in the idea of healthy alcohol moderation. Or faith that if you smile, people will like you. All teachings, all faith which produce action. However, not all of them require much of a choice. I'd argue the one's that do, are special. There's a certain kind of magic about them. In them, we discover our freedom, our humanity.

We've got gut level faith that we don't perceive as such because it is so ingrained, and then we have the teachings we decide to follow that are like a layer upon standard, Darwinian, real politik of hedonistic inclinations and assumptions about life in this continuum. I'd argue, that it is rare that someone actually follows layer two teachings that run against the grain of pleasure and collective ease. Why? It's hard. If you think about it, few people actually follow religious teachings. Few people manage to moderate their behavior. Few people object to various political and cultural events that are later on perceived as nuts. People just go on and on, saying one thing, doing something else, taking the easiest path. Ironically, the easiest path is sometimes, take leaps of faith into completely irrational areas, but ignore the common sense teachings because surely these are already mobilized. But actually, it takes a lot of faith in a world that prizes a kind of muddled lack of clarity to be common sensical.

So, when it comes to problem drinking, or problem anything -- eating a bunch of ice cream, acting like a good old everyday binary thinker -- new teachings from another layer are required. Adopting faith in a simple, simple teaching/wisdom/information --abstinence is better -- is an opportunity. It is often a missed opportunity. We favor inertia and we continue on, flattering ourselves that approving of certain ideas are the same as implementing them. And these things are often as simple as listening while someone speaks, or saying hello.

So, I'd say, skip drinking as an opportunity to make an actual choice to have faith in the challenging teaching of abstinence. How many more actual choices of this kind in life will you face? To go against the grain, to have a principle to carry forward in time, not because someone tells you as much, but because you acquired knowledge.

Not everyone is capable of this. I mean, we are and we aren't. Not everyone can own a choice to have faith in knowledge that runs against the grain of the pavlovian. It's epic. Go into the night. Feel the wind on your face.
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Old 12-04-2021, 08:44 PM
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Amnesiac, kudos to you for sharing so openly. So honestly.

Absolute BIG kudos!

This affliction of ours really, really sucks. Tougher yet when compounded by mental health situations.
Mine is depression/anxiety.
When I ingest the poison it makes the depression about 6 times worse.

Hope it all goes well.

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Old 12-05-2021, 02:43 AM
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very deep davaidavai and oh so very true... how many times do we choose the path of least resistance without giving it a single thought because it's much easier than applying critical thinking or how many times do we make decisions based on confirmation bias...even when we're looking for solutions to something as serious as addiction. Oftentimes we bow to conventional wisdom without looking deeper at what we're actually agreeing to. Having said that, I believe abstinence is a binary choice and it's one that we come to when all other alternatives are considered...some people accept it without question but for me, having looked into the reasons why I reached the conclusion that all things considered, abstinence is the only rational choice I'm left with, and with that in mind I am comfortable with that choice.
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Old 12-05-2021, 02:40 PM
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Howís it going?
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Old 12-05-2021, 03:49 PM
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I just saw this and I hope you are OK.
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Old 12-05-2021, 06:15 PM
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Hope you are okay. I have been struggling a lot lately. Hang in there
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Old 12-06-2021, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
Howís it going?
I drank it. So my nearly 3 years without a drink went down the drain yesterday.


Not sure how I feel about it today. I just told my cousin (he and I drove to my sister's for the shindig - I used him driving my car home last night as another excuse I think) and he said he couldn't tell I drank anything.


We were there from about 3 to 8, and I spread out that pint of JD over the 5 hours so maybe the others couldn't tell I had drank either, I don't know.


That's not important though. What's important I think is if I allow my "getting away" with drinking as an excuse to let this snowball, or if I decide to man-up and get real about sobriety going forward.


I apologize to all of you who gave me encouragement not to drink yesterday.


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Old 12-06-2021, 10:16 AM
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I fooled myself into thinking I could get away with having 'a few' once in a while. It worked for a brief time - but before long I found myself drinking twice as much as I'd intended, behaving recklessly, being irresponsible & even putting myself in danger. Eventually I found myself right back to daily drinking. It had a hold on me - much worse than in the past.
Don't apologize, Amnesiac. We're here to listen & offer the best advice we can, based on our own mistakes & foolish assumptions about moderating. I hope you'll continue to post about what's going on. We care about you.
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Old 12-06-2021, 10:16 AM
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Well.

Good luck going forward. I would not be able to quit right away, I don't think. That's one reason I won't even open that door...I hope you're different than I am.
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