Sohard

Just dropping a note hello.

Kinda speechless. One drink in August led to one more and one more and...you know the story.

I'm at four days sober right now. It is easier than day four way back before my year and a half of sobriety but in other ways it's harder too. I can't explain it. I just want to get farther along in the process. It is so annoying that can't just skip ahead. I have to take it just one day at a time. Ugh.

I'm here because I feel like I recently received two signs leading me here:

I heard the expression "Stop getting on the train." It made me think. I keep getting on the sobriety train. I need to start enjoying the ride and stop going back to the first station. I'll never get anywhere that way, What a sad waste.

I read about Rebecca Grossman. Married woman, two kids, seemingly fortunate life....and a week ago she drunk drove and killed two little kids. And kept driving. The horror. It could be any alcoholic. I can't imagine I would ever drink and drive ever again, but I'm sure Rebecca couldn't imagine it either.

So, I guess I am both inspired and scared into trying again. I'm also sick of feeling like crap and living in filth. I still THINK I'm a good dog owner, she gets an hour long hike a day, but I know I used to be a better one. That makes me sick.

So, that's where I am. A shout out to Obladi for her continued advice (which I've ignored). I really appreciate it. I think I'm back. I don't even know. But here I am. For now at least.

Thanks for listening. Ugh.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Sohard.....it seems you have a clear understanding of what needs to happen, that is a good sign. Getting and staying sober is an achevable goal for you, hope we can be of help in getting you there, and making the right choices to acheve that goal.

biminiblue

Oh, my goodness, sohard.

I'm very glad you haven't had any serious consequences like Rebecca Grossman did. How horrible.

I'm happy to see you trying again.

Throw everything at this, okay?

Dee74

Phew. I’m glad you’re back SoHard.

Yeah sometimes that inner addict grounds itself in so deep that no cautionary tales will cut through and only experiencing the full immersive crappiness of addiction again can bring us back to sanity.

Congrats on 4 days. I hope this is the last time you need to ‘come back’

D

Hevyn

Wonderful to see you, So. Very thankful to know you're back & realizing (again) that drinking cannot be allowed to take over your life.
4 days is great - let's do it.

Sohard

Thank you for your words of support, Scott. Hearing someone say that they believe this is "an achievable goal" for me is really meaningful (to me). Thank you.

Sohard

This is my plan. I'm soooooo sick of getting on the train. I don't want to let myself fall for it (the addiction) again. I really don't. It's discouraging to be in early days, though. That said, there is only one way out I know. One day at a time.

Sohard

Thank you for the congrats. I really need this.

Sohard

Thank you, Hevyn. I love you're "let's do this". It's so nice to feel I'm not doing it alone.

Obladi

Hooray, I'm so glad you're back among the living, even if you might feel a bit like death warmed over at the moment.
Welcome back, my friend!

You're in good company.

ScottFromWI

You are welcome. I believe this because i've done it myself, and I've also seen many others do it here and in other areas of my life. I firmly believe that our nature as addicts/alcoholics is something we cannot choose - but we can choose to change our lives accordingly. I also don't believe that fate or doom can stop anyone from obtaining a sober lifestyle if they want it enough.

least

Welcome back!

Sohard

thank you for checking in over and over and over and over again. Every once in a blue moon I would check on SR and there you would be. I don’t think I would be here today without your notes.

Sohard

Now I just have to try to remember how I filled my time not drinking. There’s so much TIME. I know it gets easier though. Drinking is like fake filling time. Just filling it with poison.

Sohard

Thank you least. I’m glad to be back. And I’m glad to be the dog owner to my pup now that she deserves. Even if she thought everything was OK, and I like to think she did, I know it was not the same.

Sohard

Like just right now, my pup was rolling around scratching (she forever has alleriges...nothing works fully, including medication). An oatmeal/aloe bath always provides instant relief though. So, I hopped up from bed (where I'm hiding so alcohol doesn't find me), turned on the bath, and in we went (yes, she's too scared to go alone ) . NEVER would have happened if I was drinking.

But, then we went onto my balcony and I could hear the neighbors outside. I'm in DC so there is kind of a nervous quality to the air tonight. They were outside drinking with their outdoor heater on. I felt jealous and knew I could join them....but THEY will be done after 1 or 2. I couldn't be. So, I guess I'm saying, I have to make sure that I don't start to miss what I actually never had or wanted.

I'll be writing a lot here (I hope) in the next few weeks, months, years??? So, those are just some thoughts I wanted to get out for now, particularly during these early days.

Sohard

Just to confirm, I have little-to-no faith this will stick this time. I really don't. It is just so tempting to throw in the towel when I'm so close to the station and the sober train has barely made any headway. You know - the whole 'start tomorrow' plan. But, I'm trying to fake it til I make it. I'm trying to accumulate days faking I believe this will work, and then slowly, hopefully, grow into sobriety. I figure, at the very least, it's better than drinking. At the very least it's one more day sober without a catastrophe or even just one more day without something sad on a more micro level, like no oatmeal bath for an itching puppy.

Off to bed. Four days down.

fini

so good to see you again, Sohard!
yes, telling ourselves we’re missing what we actually didn’t have (normal drinking; a nice glass after dinner; one nightcap on a patio; control) is just one of the denials. best stare straight at the truth andburn a couple of incidents into our brain, so we can call them up if ever we find ourselves entertaining crazy notions.

on a bit of a tangent, but related: it has really helped me to see myself as a steward of “my” dog, not as owner. it feels different to me, with regards to caretaking and responsibility. shift in perspective that goes well with sobriety

keep going, stick around!

Dee74

I'm not sure if any of us starts with overwhelming confidence.

i did not. My history was relapse after relapse, drink after drink. But I stayed sober - some days were easy others not...and I changed and I grew,

But..you have had long stretches of sobriety - you know how to get sober.
The key now is to learn the skill (and it is a learned skill) of staying sober.

We have your back, k

D

Fusion

Sohard, well done for posting 🤗. Please try not to look backwards. Acceptance that I could never resume my former 'social 2 drinks persona' after I crossed the line, and neurologically altered my brain, was key to me. I had to accept that after a period of abstinence, my brain's default state would always be 'drink, drink, drink ' - NOT just 2 drinks, ever.