Advice on healing after they die?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
Advice on healing after they die?
Hi, 
I am new here and just lost my fiancé and the amount of emotions are a battle like never before. I was thinking it would be nice to have one thread to come back to, read and help on bad days for me and for others... I posted in the grief section but didn’t get too many comments... so I hope it’s ok here? Idk 🤷🏻♀️
What advice would you give to someone that just lost someone to addiction??????
Examples:
Self care, books, really being able to understand it wasn’t our faults)
Yoga, meditation, journaling, therapy if you can get access it?
What helps/ helped you could help me or anyone else that reads.
Anything you guys tell yourself to push through? Mantras. Standing on your head I mean this is heavy stuff here💁🏻♀️
..... (examples by other people because I’m out of ideas lol)
So I hope I get a lot of answers because this is not regular grieving and I’m learning unless you been in it, you have no idea.
I know this site has helped me a lot and i run back here every time I feel that little mental breakdown getting a little too close lol and the more answers the better as we are all on here suffering from addiction: both the addicts and their loved ones.
Love & light to all 🙏
Thank you to anyone who responds!!
I am new here and just lost my fiancé and the amount of emotions are a battle like never before. I was thinking it would be nice to have one thread to come back to, read and help on bad days for me and for others... I posted in the grief section but didn’t get too many comments... so I hope it’s ok here? Idk 🤷🏻♀️
What advice would you give to someone that just lost someone to addiction??????
Examples:
Self care, books, really being able to understand it wasn’t our faults)
Yoga, meditation, journaling, therapy if you can get access it?
What helps/ helped you could help me or anyone else that reads.
Anything you guys tell yourself to push through? Mantras. Standing on your head I mean this is heavy stuff here💁🏻♀️
..... (examples by other people because I’m out of ideas lol)
So I hope I get a lot of answers because this is not regular grieving and I’m learning unless you been in it, you have no idea.
I know this site has helped me a lot and i run back here every time I feel that little mental breakdown getting a little too close lol and the more answers the better as we are all on here suffering from addiction: both the addicts and their loved ones.
Love & light to all 🙏
Thank you to anyone who responds!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,061
I think the biggest healer is time. Grief is a roller-coaster of emotions that cannot be rushed. What you feel like doing one day you might not feel up to the next. Take it gently.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I am truly sorry for your loss. Grief is such a roller coaster.
I have not lost someone to addiction, but I did lose my sister to cancer. She was 35....I was 33. It was all tragically unfair. You know that "not fair" part of life? It deeply affected me more than I can explain. When I think about it now my heart sinks at times. It doesn't break like it once did, as time has allowed me to acquire strength, but it still breaks and sinks into a place that is very painful. My sister was also an addict. If the cancer didn't take her life then the copious amounts of prescription pain meds were going to end it.
I got sober soon after my sisters passing. I was sober for almost a year and then my mother in law committed suicide. She had Delusional Disorder. Its like schizophrenia but without hallucinations and voices. So, lets just say that in a few years time there was an immense amount of loss and grief and feeling like our lives were going sideways. Feeling? No, our lives were turned upside down. I relapsed a few months after MIL's suicide.
We played the tape of "We could have done more" with my MIL. We blamed ourselves. People lashed out. Everyone was in grief big time. Everyone has their own way of processing and facing their grief.
Time. Lots and lots of time is what will get you through. The pain lessens. The days have sunshine again. There is space to live your life. Its not sudden. Its moment by moment. Some moments are harder than others.
You have opened up here and I think that is a positive step towards healing. Talking about it. Getting out the feelings.
It is not your fault and there really was nothing you or anyone could have done to change this outcome. I am very very sorry. Allow yourself the moments you need to get out your feelings. Allow yourself space. Cry. Yell if you have too. Get it out. Please be gentle with you and how you feel.
Once again, I am very sorry. Honor her by honoring your life and living it to the best of your ability. Sober. You are going to be okay. It may not feel like it now. It doesn't have to feel like anything now. You will get there though. The one thing for certain is that alcohol or drugs makes the grieving process worse. It did for me.
I am happy to be on the sober train again. I am happy you are here. Thank you for sharing your situation. I will hold healing light for you and I look forward to reading and participating in your journey here.
I have not lost someone to addiction, but I did lose my sister to cancer. She was 35....I was 33. It was all tragically unfair. You know that "not fair" part of life? It deeply affected me more than I can explain. When I think about it now my heart sinks at times. It doesn't break like it once did, as time has allowed me to acquire strength, but it still breaks and sinks into a place that is very painful. My sister was also an addict. If the cancer didn't take her life then the copious amounts of prescription pain meds were going to end it.
I got sober soon after my sisters passing. I was sober for almost a year and then my mother in law committed suicide. She had Delusional Disorder. Its like schizophrenia but without hallucinations and voices. So, lets just say that in a few years time there was an immense amount of loss and grief and feeling like our lives were going sideways. Feeling? No, our lives were turned upside down. I relapsed a few months after MIL's suicide.
We played the tape of "We could have done more" with my MIL. We blamed ourselves. People lashed out. Everyone was in grief big time. Everyone has their own way of processing and facing their grief.
Time. Lots and lots of time is what will get you through. The pain lessens. The days have sunshine again. There is space to live your life. Its not sudden. Its moment by moment. Some moments are harder than others.
You have opened up here and I think that is a positive step towards healing. Talking about it. Getting out the feelings.
It is not your fault and there really was nothing you or anyone could have done to change this outcome. I am very very sorry. Allow yourself the moments you need to get out your feelings. Allow yourself space. Cry. Yell if you have too. Get it out. Please be gentle with you and how you feel.
Once again, I am very sorry. Honor her by honoring your life and living it to the best of your ability. Sober. You are going to be okay. It may not feel like it now. It doesn't have to feel like anything now. You will get there though. The one thing for certain is that alcohol or drugs makes the grieving process worse. It did for me.
I am happy to be on the sober train again. I am happy you are here. Thank you for sharing your situation. I will hold healing light for you and I look forward to reading and participating in your journey here.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
We lost someone to addiction last year. Having been through the process of recovery myself I know there is nothing I could have done. I wasn't aware but even if I had been I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I also know the f word (fair) will mess a person up. I've gone to grief websites and just read. Mostly my brain shuts down and lets things get through when I'm ready. Then I have a meltdown and go numb until the next meltdown.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
My brother died of liver cancer less than 12 months ago J109. He was an injecting drug user and contracted HepC, it was this that led to his death. He also had schizophrenia. Very intelligent. Finished up in a nursing home.
He wanted me to come live with him, but I could not, his mental illness too profound. The guilt and sorrow were enormous. Slowly with time I am beginning to let it go, and remember all of the good things about him. All I have now are the memories. I'm trying to remember the good. Always.
Greatest sorrow was to see a life so full of promise, wasted on heroin use. He was young and knew no better at the time. I still miss him. He had a great sense of humour. Bit of a tight arse, but I'll forgive him for that.
I think it's important to share with your friends your grief. Talk about it with them, cry. If there is no one have you thought about grief counselling?
The pain will lessen with time J109, remember that.
I have a great photo of my brother smiling right at me from pride of place. It gives me great comfort, because I know he's on my side and would not want me to continue to grieve. He loved life too much.
I wish it could have been different, but not to be. I just remember now with great effection and love.
I'm so very sorry J109.
He wanted me to come live with him, but I could not, his mental illness too profound. The guilt and sorrow were enormous. Slowly with time I am beginning to let it go, and remember all of the good things about him. All I have now are the memories. I'm trying to remember the good. Always.
Greatest sorrow was to see a life so full of promise, wasted on heroin use. He was young and knew no better at the time. I still miss him. He had a great sense of humour. Bit of a tight arse, but I'll forgive him for that.
I think it's important to share with your friends your grief. Talk about it with them, cry. If there is no one have you thought about grief counselling?
The pain will lessen with time J109, remember that.
I have a great photo of my brother smiling right at me from pride of place. It gives me great comfort, because I know he's on my side and would not want me to continue to grieve. He loved life too much.
I wish it could have been different, but not to be. I just remember now with great effection and love.
I'm so very sorry J109.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by Mizz 
I am truly sorry for your loss. Grief is such a roller coaster.
.
.
I am so happy to here that you are sober, please do everything you can to stay there, it is a fight.... I can promise you this! Whatever pain your feeling because alcohol only brings out the demons in the head worse...... if you were to die, accidentally, suicide, from literally just the alcohol... the amount of pain for the people that love and trust me even when you think they don’t they do. Will carry a pain forever. Think of that before you relapse when you are debating. Most of all I hope you stay sober - everyone deserves to be happy and alcohol although it feels happy only makes it worse.
life is freaking hard we gotta do whatever we can do stay above the water ya know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by silentrun
We lost someone to addiction last year. Having been through the process of recovery myself I know there is nothing I could have done. I wasn't aware but even if I had been I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I also know the f word (fair) will mess a person up. I've gone to grief websites and just read. Mostly my brain shuts down and lets things get through when I'm ready. Then I have a meltdown and go numb until the next meltdown.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Having a good listener will help you work your way through your loss. That usually means someone who is not quick to offer advice. Our grief needs to be heard. And we need to tell our stories.
Make time for yourself but try to stay connected when you can. Eat dinner with someone on a video app like Facetime or Zoom. Talk about anything you want. Or just use the phone where you don't need to worry about how you look when your heart is broken.
Eat well and sleep well. Not always possible so make your indulgences worthwhile, like an ice cream sundae instead of a handful of 'Nilla wafers. Hot tea with chamomile and/or valerian root can relax you before you go to bed.
Allow people to help you. It's a great time for us to be there for someone else. We can take it. It's a privilege for some people to bear witness to another's grief.
No matter what happens, always be kind to yourself.
Make time for yourself but try to stay connected when you can. Eat dinner with someone on a video app like Facetime or Zoom. Talk about anything you want. Or just use the phone where you don't need to worry about how you look when your heart is broken.
Eat well and sleep well. Not always possible so make your indulgences worthwhile, like an ice cream sundae instead of a handful of 'Nilla wafers. Hot tea with chamomile and/or valerian root can relax you before you go to bed.
Allow people to help you. It's a great time for us to be there for someone else. We can take it. It's a privilege for some people to bear witness to another's grief.
No matter what happens, always be kind to yourself.
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