Sohard

yes, I have friends who are aware of my struggle and support me, and a therapist too. Not AA. Not for me, I appreciate and respect that it’s a lifesaver for some.

Sohard

Just a thought before I head to bed at 8:30pm so,alcohol doesn’t catch me.

I was a muuuuuuuuuch better person when I was 470 days sober and I grew soooooo much and had much success. I know all of this.

BUT, I would be lying if I didn’t say it wasn’t nice to sit and split a couple of bottles of wine with my mom and sister over the past few months. Particularly my mom. She’s 80 and home bound now and, well, there is not much she enjoys doing. Getting a little loopy and having fun and also serious conversations (but probably stupid sounding, to a sober person) was a bond I enjoyed having back after 470 days. And no, it wasn’t as fun for her in the evenings when I wasn’t drinking. I used to fake drink with her (ginger ale) and we wouldn’t end up laughing as much or having the same truly enjoyable conversations. Of course, these drinking nights resulted in me being full of anxiety the next days, snappy, unhelpful, etc. Those consequences are all gone in sobriety, making me a better daughter during the day time, which is most of the time, of course. I just worry about this. About if I will drink next time I see her, now knowing that drinking wine with her is something I enjoy, and I know she enjoys those nights too. It’s just a worry.

Dee74

yeah that was me and my dad,

but some things to consider: my dad never saw me the next day or the next week when I was still drinking off the back of that one (or two) drinks. If he had I think he would have been less enthused about it.

The other thing is - yeah he really missed his drinking buddy for a while.. but he got over it. We converse as much as we ever did - he has his one scotch...sometimes I have nothing...or I have whatever non alcoholic thing I'm drinking.

Don't let your addiction lie to you..this is not really an issue.

If you think your mom will never get over the disappointment...ok...but how disappointed would she be if you end up in hospital or rehab... or worse?

D

Dropsie

I am so happy to see you back, but sorry for your struggles -- we have all been there and understand.
I get the point about your mom, as that was my Dad and me. Drinking together was part of the bond. As it was with many of my friends.
I lost him before I quit, but with everyone else, over time, it has become the new normal. BUT I know that does not help with thinking about your relationship with your mother in the now. I do know as a mother how I would feel though if ever one of my children had a similar dilemma and I expect your mom would too. Does your mom know about your struggles? I obviously do not know you or your mom, but I do know that it would give me more joy as a mother if my children would open up and talk to me and let me help.
In case it is not clear, we all care about you very much.

Reid82

Welcome back Sohard, glad to see you back here.

biminiblue

This is so sad to read.

Your mom would much rather you live a long and happy life than die of alcoholism. That's the road you're on, right?

YOU are the one who feels it's different to chat without alcohol, and it is different. It's real. It's life, unaltered. So much better.

That is your issue to solve, though. Don't put this on your mom.

I have just as much fun now - sober - as I ever did drinking. It's a false premise to use, and it's all your AV. My conversations are full of laughter and joking and I come away from them remembering all the good parts.

entropy1964

Hi Sohard

So glad you are back. The image of your jumping in the tub with your pup! Haha. I was trying to picture how that would turn out with my dog and me......oh my. Shlit show.

Have you ever talked with your Mom about how you feel about drinking wine with her? I mean, the sense that there is something lost in your relationship without it? I believe you said that you think she doesn't enjoy the evening with you as much when you aren't drinking. Are you sure? Not trying to badger but maybe that is a reality to double check? Could it be your perception as a sober person, as opposed to actual reality? Only reason I say that is, here your Mom is 80. Still drinking which is pretty impressive. But that's not the point. She's at the end of her life-ish. I get this completely, mine is 85. You want to spend time with her. You cherish these drinking times with her....and believe me, it's cool that you have a strong connection. But could this be more romantic in nature? I don't know. As a mother myself, I would never want my alcoholic daughter to drink with me because she felt I enjoyed our time together more than if she were sober. As a matter of fact, I would hate that. So if I've gone to far with this, ignore. But I just thought it was something to maybe take a different perspective on.

Keep going strong.

Fusion

Sorry to be so blunt, Sohard, but since when did you allow your AV, inner addict, voice of addiction, alcohol seeking part of your brain, disease, whatever - use your Mom as an excuse to not stop drinking again? As in "It wasn’t as fun for her in the evenings when I wasn’t drinking". Have you asked your Mom? Have you told your Mom what drinking that evening, creates for you subsequently? If so, I think any caring Mom, as I'm sure yours is, wouldn't think her 'fun' was worth the 'risk' to her daughter.

Hevyn

What Dee said about the aftermath of those get togethers - that's what we need to focus on. The fun & somewhat manageable times kept me making excuses & drinking almost into oblivion.

Sohard

You're right, you're right. All true. And, in truth, we have had many real, thoughtful discussions in those 470 days I was sober which we wouldn't have had if I was drinking. So, I we might lose the couple loopy giggles, but they are exchanged for something much more worthwhile. I just have to remind myself of this. Over and over.

Sohard

Thanks for this. As for my mom, I definitely did not tell her about my struggles because she is a WORRIER, to put it lightly, and her worrying would be no help to me in my sobriety. I know what she can handle, and this is not it. I didn't tell her I was transferring colleges 20 years until I had applied and been accepted because I knew she would be up nights crying about me being sad where I was and worrying about if I'd get in. She loves me so much, and I love her so much.

Of course if she knew I was writing this all out, she'd say of "course don't drink!". BUT...after I stopped my sobriety and started drinking, the FIRST time I split a bottle of wine with her I told her how I'd done a year of sobriety, "just to be healthy and to see if I could!" I guess I was proud and wanted her to know of this amazing accomplishment. And she definitely WAS so proud and shocked and wow'd. Said she could never imagine doing such a thing herself. She said how she'd noticed all the amazing strides I'd made in that time. That said, remember, I acted like it was a casual thing, just something I did for a hoot. Believing that to be the case, she also said how she had felt something was a bit "different" about me some nights and how she'd "missed some of our soHard/mom late nights!" We had one that very night, and she woke up laughing about how "she'd not 30 anymore, but hey, she had great fun!"

So, I know that knowing alcohol is bad for me would make her say "Gosh, then definitely don't drink just for the couple of nights you visit me every month!" But, I can't lie and say she doesn't enjoy our nights together drinking wine, because she does, and so do I. That said, I know she enjoys me sober MUCH more 99% of the time (during the day when I visit, me accomplishing what I'm accomplishing when I'm not visiting, etc.). Anyway, just some thoughts.

Sohard

Oh yes, Bimini, my mom would MUCH rather me live a long and happy life than die of alcoholism. You're right about that. And I do agree with you too that "It's real. It's life. It's unaltered." 100%. I think that's where we differ, though.

I know this is my issue to solve. That's why I'm here. I'm not putting this on my mom. I've said over and over that I too enjoy those times together. I'm soooo glad your have just as much fun now sober as you did drinking. I agree - 90% of the time that is the case for me too. But it's not the case for me 100% of the time. It's just not. I know there are addicts who say at the end there were no good times at all for them. But we're not all the same. I've had great nights drinking (and horrific nights and morning after). So, if I'm going to be a success, I can't pretend that I always have "just as much fun now." Because I don't. Being sober is a different kind of peace, contentment, pride. But I can't pretend the fun is always the same because it's not me.

Sohard

I have no doubt that you're right and some of it is romantic in nature. After all (if you read the other comments I've justwritten above), I was able to successfully hide my sobriety from her for a year. She noticed something "different", but I guess it wasn't too dramatic of a difference for her in the times we had or she would have noticed something more than that, right? I just thought it was important to think all this out before my next visit. Prepare mentally.

Sohard

Actually, my mom did notice the difference (I was just writing about this to another poster above), which bummed me out. That said, OF COURSE you are right that she wouldn't think her fun was worth the risk to her daughter. In truth, and in case I was unclear, the issue also is that it is also MY fun. It is also ME who enjoys those times seeing her let loose and laugh. Something she doesn't do so much of any longer. She is homebound and hasn't been out in over a year. I know my arrival signals a bit of excitement, celebration, etc. I'm happy for her that she still has that. I guess that goes back to the only answer of just fake drinking again in front of her (which I did for a year and a half), so she still feels the "celebration" is happening. I will miss the other type of celebration too, though. I could lie, but then why be here.

Sohard

This really helps me. Yes, you and Dee are right. I MUST focus on the aftermath and consequences. That is ALL that matters.

ScottFromWI

While it is important to remember the consequences of our drinking, I personally don't think relying solely on them is a good long term strategy for sobriety. Mainly because the consequences almost always fade as time goes on.

You mentioned romanticizing as well, and our addictions are masters of this. Problem is, the memores are selective of course.

The hardest part of sobriety ( in my opinion ) is accepting the fact that we have to face things and people for who/what they are. I used to get drunk to avoid being anxious in social situations - but I still have to face those same situations. I find honesty is really the key - you mention you've been able to "hide" your sobriety from your mom. What do you think the worst case scenario might be if you just told her you've chosen to be sober? My guess is that it would be a lot different than you think. I've been sober for about 8 years now and I have never once had a negative reaction to the fact that I don't drink. Even some of my old drinking buddies thought it was a good idea and I bet some of them wish they had done it too. It's definitely hard to rebuild a relationship when drikning was a big part of it, but it is very possible. And the rewards of a relationship based on honesty and conversation (vs booze) is far more fulfilling.

Dropsie

So good to have you back!

Sohard

THANK YOU, Dropsie. Finishing off day 3.

fini

day 3 is great, Sohard.
it jumped out at me that you say it bummed you out that your mom noticed a difference. isn’t that the point of getting sober? don’t know about you, but i wanted “different”, and desperately.
loopy giggles take a while to come back, but indeed they can!
sober loopy giggles!
i hear you on missing the bonding you had with your mom while drinking together. and while that may have felt real, it wasn’t really, since it relied on a mind-alteration. for both of you.
as you noticed, when sober, you and your mom have deeper intimacy.
for me, knowing there was nothing real and sustainable left in drinking is the foundation of ongoing sobriety.

Sohard

Thank you, Fini. This is all so helpful to me.

I was reading back over my old posts. It seems that in my “long” sobriety I have forgotten so many of the important lessons I learned at the beginning of it. I’m just now remembering all of these things that got me on to dry land. It’s been a good refresher.

I’m so glad to hear sober, loopy giggles come back. I had a few experiences with that when sober and I was so pleasantly surprised. I know the other drinking giggles aren’t real. The fact that they can be planned at a specific time for happy hour kind of shows that. So I’m so glad to know that real ones are out there waiting. :-)