Coping with anger
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,239
Coping with anger
I'm in deep. I'm grieving the loss of someone close to me and I'm pissed off. Usually, anger is helpful to me as it points to something I need to address. There is nothing this anger is going to prompt me to do except having a stoke or something.
I need your best anger management skills.
Part of the problem is this person died from alcoholism at 33. I keep obsessing about the darkness she must have had to endure to get to the point to drink herself to death. I know that darkness and I chickened out and turned back way before I got too deep into that end-stage. Her death keeps reminding me of the soul-crushing depression. I didn't know she was in that much trouble but I also know I couldn't have stopped it from happening even if I did.
I need your best anger management skills.
Part of the problem is this person died from alcoholism at 33. I keep obsessing about the darkness she must have had to endure to get to the point to drink herself to death. I know that darkness and I chickened out and turned back way before I got too deep into that end-stage. Her death keeps reminding me of the soul-crushing depression. I didn't know she was in that much trouble but I also know I couldn't have stopped it from happening even if I did.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 24,215
I'm really sorry for your loss, Silentrun. I am super tired and wouldn't be of much help anyway. Death is hard to process and I've had way more practice than I'd like.
You'll sort through it. It will take time. May she rest in peace.
You'll sort through it. It will take time. May she rest in peace.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,251
A bucket, a couple of towels, a couple of old pillows, a punching bag, a secluded, relatively soundproof place, a bottle of water.
Breathe, grunt, cough, spit, punch, scream, vomit, - let go.
Breath - let the breath be free, deep, hot, shallow, hard. Don't try to control it.
Don't fix on any thought. Let them tumble freely.
Change your relationship to your anger. Instead of saying, thinking - 'I am angry' say think 'there is at this moment a sensation that iscalled anger, it comes and goes. Sometimes intense, sometimes it disappears.
Anger is a fire emotion with hot sensations. Hot skin, hot breath, hot thoughts.
Instead of saying there is anger, say there is heat.
Slowly, over time, the heat cools. The fire goes out. The anger is gone.
To cool something hot, put something cool on it.
Don't put petrol on a fire. Put water on it.
Friendliness, forgiveness, caring is water to anger.
Develop caring, first for yourself, then everybody, thing, else.
Care, and let go...
Breathe, grunt, cough, spit, punch, scream, vomit, - let go.
Breath - let the breath be free, deep, hot, shallow, hard. Don't try to control it.
Don't fix on any thought. Let them tumble freely.
Change your relationship to your anger. Instead of saying, thinking - 'I am angry' say think 'there is at this moment a sensation that iscalled anger, it comes and goes. Sometimes intense, sometimes it disappears.
Anger is a fire emotion with hot sensations. Hot skin, hot breath, hot thoughts.
Instead of saying there is anger, say there is heat.
Slowly, over time, the heat cools. The fire goes out. The anger is gone.
To cool something hot, put something cool on it.
Don't put petrol on a fire. Put water on it.
Friendliness, forgiveness, caring is water to anger.
Develop caring, first for yourself, then everybody, thing, else.
Care, and let go...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I am sorry for your loss silentrun. My heart goes out to you. What would your friend want for you? Would she want you be angry and have a stroke or worse. I imagine she wants you to find the peace and serenity that she never could find while she was physically present on this planet. I believe that my loved ones who have passed over to the astral plane are still available to help and guide me if I open my heart and my mind. Reach out, it always surprises me when I do.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,737
I'm a pretty big Kubler Ross fan
“The five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.”
"It is important to feel the anger without judging it, without attempting to find meaning in it. It may take many forms: anger at the health-care system, at life, at your loved one for leaving. Life is unfair. Death is unfair. Anger is a natural reaction to the unfairness of loss."
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose, there are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”
“The more you learn, the harder the lessons get.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
“The five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.”
"It is important to feel the anger without judging it, without attempting to find meaning in it. It may take many forms: anger at the health-care system, at life, at your loved one for leaving. Life is unfair. Death is unfair. Anger is a natural reaction to the unfairness of loss."
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose, there are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”
“The more you learn, the harder the lessons get.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,239
Thanks, everyone. I felt better as soon as I verbalized it. I still have that thing that I do where I act like I'm fine when I'm not. It helped just to say "I'm in a little trouble".
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,206
silentrun, i’m so very sorry to hear of this loss, and the way of it.
it IS angryfying, such a death. i would worry if you had no anger.
what helped me with anger meshed with overwhelming grief and love was crying. walking. screaming. joy at the love mixed into it all. thankfulness. the structure of workdays.writing.
the longer time went on, the more i left the anger, or maybe it left me, and other feelings and “stances” gained space.
it IS angryfying, such a death. i would worry if you had no anger.
what helped me with anger meshed with overwhelming grief and love was crying. walking. screaming. joy at the love mixed into it all. thankfulness. the structure of workdays.writing.
the longer time went on, the more i left the anger, or maybe it left me, and other feelings and “stances” gained space.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 526
I’m so sorry for your grief, silentrun. 33 is too young for someone to leave this world, no matter the circumstances.
Giving it time will help. Screaming into pillows helps too.
Is there anything you can do to help her family? I’ve found that cooking, cleaning, doing errands- ANYTHING- for them helps me feel better.
It’s awful to see people we love leave too soon, while others are blessed to live through the same circumstances. It makes no sense.
Hoping you can get some rest and will feel peace soon.
Giving it time will help. Screaming into pillows helps too.
Is there anything you can do to help her family? I’ve found that cooking, cleaning, doing errands- ANYTHING- for them helps me feel better.
It’s awful to see people we love leave too soon, while others are blessed to live through the same circumstances. It makes no sense.
Hoping you can get some rest and will feel peace soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
I lost a dear friend at 50 to a heart attack a few months ago. My fourth this year too young and two of them my closest friends.
I thought we were close, but after his death I learned that he had serious financial problems that I never knew about, no-one did. not even his wife.
The fear he must have lived with and the show he had to put on to hide it made me desperately sad, still does. And a bit angry cause I could have helped him with the fear, but he did not let me in.
I have known a lot of soul crushing loss starting with my sister's murder at 29. Somehow I am never angry or not angry enough. I think you should be angry. Dont use it destructvely, but her loss should make you angry.
And then do what Grympt suggets and Dee's quotes, but feeling the loss is always better in the end. At least that is what I think.
We are all thinking of you and her.
XX
I thought we were close, but after his death I learned that he had serious financial problems that I never knew about, no-one did. not even his wife.
The fear he must have lived with and the show he had to put on to hide it made me desperately sad, still does. And a bit angry cause I could have helped him with the fear, but he did not let me in.
I have known a lot of soul crushing loss starting with my sister's murder at 29. Somehow I am never angry or not angry enough. I think you should be angry. Dont use it destructvely, but her loss should make you angry.
And then do what Grympt suggets and Dee's quotes, but feeling the loss is always better in the end. At least that is what I think.
We are all thinking of you and her.
XX
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,239
I think there may have been a reason I was having such rage regarding this. I'm not taking care of myself the way I know I should be and I'm going to end up hurting the exact same people hurt by her thinking she had more time to fix her problems. It's the start of day 2 no sugar and my joints are still on fire but already I feel the anger has dissipated. I need to pull this off also to give the senseless waste of her life some meaning. I can't senselessly waste mine as well and expect to heal from this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 24,215
I'm glad you're taking better care of yourself.
Sometimes it's whack a mole with the addictions, yeah?
Sugar is a tough one, but just like alcohol it was so worth it to me to find a strategy that helped me control it. Good job!
Sometimes it's whack a mole with the addictions, yeah?
Sugar is a tough one, but just like alcohol it was so worth it to me to find a strategy that helped me control it. Good job!
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,239
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I'm glad you're taking better care of yourself.
Sometimes it's whack a mole with the addictions, yeah?
Sugar is a tough one, but just like alcohol it was so worth it to me to find a strategy that helped me control it. Good job!
Sometimes it's whack a mole with the addictions, yeah?
Sugar is a tough one, but just like alcohol it was so worth it to me to find a strategy that helped me control it. Good job!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 24,215
It's a tough one.
I find that logging food and staying strictly in my calorie and carbs limit has been a great tool. I also find it easier to stick with the no added sugar thing if I have 2-4 servings of whole fruit daily.
I agree, alcohol and sugar do the same things to me, compulsion-wise. Can't have just one/one serving. The entire batch or package is one serving.
We broke our brains' normal responses.
I find that logging food and staying strictly in my calorie and carbs limit has been a great tool. I also find it easier to stick with the no added sugar thing if I have 2-4 servings of whole fruit daily.
I agree, alcohol and sugar do the same things to me, compulsion-wise. Can't have just one/one serving. The entire batch or package is one serving.
We broke our brains' normal responses.Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 118,623
I am so very, very sorry for your loss, silentrun; such a tragic end to a life. Coping with loss is so difficult; the grieving process is difficult but necessary. I have found that the only way to resolve grief is through it, as hard as that may be. Resolution comes at a price.
The anger stage has always been the most difficult one for me and always the longest of the stages - especially when the lost one was young; denial was always the shortest - reality always hit fast and hard; bargaining barely existed.
Much love to you, silentrun. You are dear to me.
The anger stage has always been the most difficult one for me and always the longest of the stages - especially when the lost one was young; denial was always the shortest - reality always hit fast and hard; bargaining barely existed.
Much love to you, silentrun. You are dear to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 118,623
The Victory of Recovery
Recovery beckons from the horizons
As grief kindly, slowly softens
Subtle rays of hope and optimism
Intensify ~ shatter agony’s prisms
Vitality sprouts from dormant gardens
As springs of kindness nurture ~ softly christen
Tender shoots of reclaimed spirit
Strengthen, grow ~ shed misery’s thicket
Inspiration stirs in caverns ~ in deep recesses of the mind
As thoughts and visions focus ~ weave and wrap ~ become entwined
Scattered pieces ~ jagged shards of memory’s puzzle
Assemble, merge ~break nightmare’s cycle
Courage taunts with its opponent
As fortitude and righteousness form battle’s garment
Valor and brawn take up mutual fortress
Seek out enmity ~ weaken, destroy, redress
Individuality seeks out anonymity
As character and strength bid up their ante
Conviction and identity form alliance
Attain compassion ~ heightened conscience
Harmony silences notes of discord
As tranquility and peace calm warring drums
Melodies and songs of hope and promise
All are proof positive ~ I have won.
Oh merciful, kind and glorious Recovery
How bittersweet thou art
For you are yet one more reminder
That of with him I live without
SoberLeigh is online now Report Post
Recovery beckons from the horizons
As grief kindly, slowly softens
Subtle rays of hope and optimism
Intensify ~ shatter agony’s prisms
Vitality sprouts from dormant gardens
As springs of kindness nurture ~ softly christen
Tender shoots of reclaimed spirit
Strengthen, grow ~ shed misery’s thicket
Inspiration stirs in caverns ~ in deep recesses of the mind
As thoughts and visions focus ~ weave and wrap ~ become entwined
Scattered pieces ~ jagged shards of memory’s puzzle
Assemble, merge ~break nightmare’s cycle
Courage taunts with its opponent
As fortitude and righteousness form battle’s garment
Valor and brawn take up mutual fortress
Seek out enmity ~ weaken, destroy, redress
Individuality seeks out anonymity
As character and strength bid up their ante
Conviction and identity form alliance
Attain compassion ~ heightened conscience
Harmony silences notes of discord
As tranquility and peace calm warring drums
Melodies and songs of hope and promise
All are proof positive ~ I have won.
Oh merciful, kind and glorious Recovery
How bittersweet thou art
For you are yet one more reminder
That of with him I live without
SoberLeigh is online now Report Post
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