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Opinions from the guys....

Old 07-18-2020, 03:57 PM
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Opinions from the guys....

I am reaching out here in hope of some perspective from the guys....I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. Realized about 2 months in that he has a serious drinking problem. Of course, he has weeks where it is or appears to be a little more under control than others....

What I am looking for feedback/opinions on has to do with the stuff said while drunk...I had heard long ago, "a drunken mouth speaks a sober mind." And in general, I can see how that is---I know when I have had too much, I am much less inhibited and will say or text things I never would have had the courage to do stone cold sober.

Anyway---my struggle recently is in what to believe because lately his drunk speeches contradict themselves in regards to what he feels for me.

When he is sober, he is a very shy, introvert and hates expressing his feelings. When drinking, especially the last month or so, all I hear is how much he loves me, I am always on his mind, he feels so ashamed that the drinking has impacted the ability for us to have sex as much as we both would want, he wants a future with me (and even goes into detail about selling his place in the near future, moving in together, etc), he asks me to please be patient and not give up on him (he is getting back on his feet financially & wants to cut back on drinking) because he wants to give me only the best, please never leave him, etc. All the good stuff, right?

We had a few great weeks where we spent a LOT of time together, no major issues, having a good time...and then Monday was my birthday. I was at his place since that Friday, we had a great weekend of hanging out and going out to eat and hang with friends, wake up Monday and it was like he was a different person. Very cold, very distant. Wished me a HBD, but then just gave off the body language he wanted to be left alone. I asked if we were going out later or what and he just said, well I am out of cash and it is your BD, I can't let you pay. I was hurt, and I left. Later that night, he called and apologized, admitted "I ****** up. Next year, hell even Xmas, will be amazing. You deserve better." He said the next few nights he would be taking a break from drinking and going out (no doubt due to lack of $$)....so over the next few days, his texts were general chit chat. No "love you" no kiss emoji (which he would frequently text)....I assumed this was because he was in semiwithdrawal and not feeling great.

Last night, he called me late and had been drinking. Said he had stopped for 4 days, his longest streak in a while and just had to drink. Questioned why I would want to stay with him....more general rambling chatter related to his day, the dogs...and then the loan came up. I loaned him some $$ a few weeks ago, with a plan for repayment (he signed a contract) and he has started to repay. So, he mentions he may be getting a large check from something that had been pending, "and so if I get that, I can pay you back in full and then that is it. We can be done, cut ties completely."

I was shocked. He had been colder and more distant the last few days but....this ? And I questioned him on it and he just said, "Oh my God, you are SOOOOO sensitive why are you so sensitive." I said, well is that how you feel? You want to break up? The money isn't a reason for us to stay together, that is fine...

and he changed the subject....but I asked again----you saying you want to end this, be clear? And he finally said, no, I don't want to break up. I said well then why the hell would you say that? he said, "I haven't been using you for money this whole time ok?" I said no, I didn't think you were...and he said look I guess I am not used to women really liking me for me....I usually spend a LOT of money on them. I am thinking you are different I guess.

A few weeks ago, middle of the night I got a text that just said, "Hey, I over you." This after all the previous texting was kisses and I love you etc....when I pushed him the next day as to WTF he said, I do stupid **** when I drink. Ignore me. And we moved on like nothing happened ....

SO---from those of you who struggle with this disease and are in relationships; which version of this man am I to believe ? I would say 98% of the time it is love love love you baby, then I get these random flashes of "we need to end this, I want to break up".....I know he is very insecure about the relatiionship (insists I should move on to someone better that he doesnt deserve me)...I think he is also a bit conflicted because he is legally still married to a woman who according to him, he doesn't see that often (like several months in between) and has been married to less than 2 years (she lives out of state). I haven't pushed too hard on that point as I am still legally married, but divorcing (slowly winding through the courts, thanks covid).

Maybe I need to just cut my losses and run, but yeah....I care about this guy. There seems to be a pattern though of a week or two where we practically live together and things are great, then I go back to my place and he pulls away and is distant and occasionally even goes as far as to say these things.
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Old 07-18-2020, 04:37 PM
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Hi LostinMD

I was never like that so I'm not much help there - we alcoholics are not as homogeneous bunch as people might think- .but I think anyone giving out very mixed signals like that, alcoholic or not, you'd want to take a step back.

'Hey I'm over you' in a text?
You deserve better

Can his butt.

D
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Old 07-18-2020, 05:23 PM
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Gal here, but I felt bad reading your post so wanted to offer my support.

Folks with an active drinking problem, alcoholic or not, have deep-seated issues which impede or prevent healthy relationships. It may be that not one side or the other is the ďrealĒ person, such conflict may just be who he is right now. Iíve been on both sides, with a drunk and have been the drunk, and itís ugly.

Seems like to continue this you donít get to choose one guy or the other, and it seems like it's not worth it to try to live with both. Youíre already having to cope with divorce...having been there too I know we donít end a marriage just to leap into more heartache.

Best wishes to you,
-bora

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Old 07-18-2020, 08:16 PM
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Not much of a 'love life'. You deserve someone who actually loves you and doesn't play stupid games with your feelings. I went thru a relationship with someone kind of like that, who was completely different when he was drinking. I moved on and will never tolerate that kind of crap again.
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Old 07-18-2020, 10:46 PM
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Your answer may lie in your last paragraph.
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Old 07-19-2020, 04:02 AM
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Gal here but think you know the answer.

Personally, I settled for too much for too long, you only get one ride on this rodeo. IMO, respect and trust build lasting relationships. Try to read your message again and give the person writing it advice -- what would you tell her??

We all deserve to be loved. Really loved, whether our partners are drunk or sober.



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Old 07-19-2020, 09:15 AM
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but yeah....I care about this guy
Don't forget to care about yourself as well. The best way to be a friend, lover, care about someone else, whatever; is to be the healthiest you that you can. If staying with him isn't healthy for you, then it won't be healthy for him.

Women have a tendency to get into a relationship always thinking they can change the guy, but he only changes when he is ready, as it should be. Men have a tendency to get into a relationship always thinking the woman won't change, but she always does, as it should be.

What we want, isn't always what we need. We all have these storylines of what could be. They are grand and beautiful scenarios in our minds; without knowing if it would actually fulfill us in the first place. We get too attached to the idea of what could be; instead of what is.

I find peace and contentment by practicing gratitude for what I do have and by practicing acceptance of what I donít have. Being just as I am without going to outside things for my happiness. If something comes, I let it come. If not, it wasn't meant to come. I can't make it happen.


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Old 07-19-2020, 09:50 AM
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Active addicts are at their highest level of insanity and only getting worse.

Until I really wanted to quit I was not prepared to deal with the mental strain getting clean levied.

If Sr had not taught me how to stay clean and what I was dealing with, getting sober was impossible.

Iam positive your addict is similar to all of us here.

I would run away asap.

Thanks.
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Old 07-19-2020, 10:17 AM
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Lost

Just reposting my thoughts from another thread from a few minutes ago.

Welcome! You will find lots of information here.

I think you already know what to do. It's just not something we want. It's best for you. If you wanted to be in a relationship, and had a vision of what that and marriage would look like, would you choose where you are? Of course not. Take time for you and move on. If you stay, there are only more difficult times ahead which you can't imagine. I'm so sorry. Just know, moving on saves your special beautiful person for one that CAN treat you like you should be treated.

AG


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Old 07-19-2020, 05:21 PM
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I had a dear lady who cared very much about me. Her seemingly unending ability to forgive allowed me to work through being a drunkard and her inevitably kicking me out of her life helped me to seek the help I needed. I wonder if she went to al-anon and learned the right way to deal with me. Whatever, I remember her fondly and am sorry for the good years she wasted on me.
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Old 07-20-2020, 03:27 AM
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you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you cannot cure it.

Al Anon step work can help you.
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Old 07-23-2020, 01:25 PM
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Eek, this is a hard one. I have been that guy and I ended up breaking up because I got with another girl and then regretted it later. Either way you do deserve better. My current wife has stuck it out with me and my drinking but it wasn't to that extent.

You deserve better no doubt. I think it is time to sit down and have a real chat about this relationship. I would say give him a chance but tell him what you need. Then, if he can't come through you break it off.
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Old 07-23-2020, 10:39 PM
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It sounds like he has some important things to take care of.
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Old 07-24-2020, 05:29 AM
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When a person mixes alcohol with a relationship it makes it bad for both people. A relationship multiplies the craziness of the alcoholics mind. I believe it causes too many electronic pulses for their mind to handle causing more intense strange drunk behavior often rooted into the inner feelings of the alcoholic in a feeble manner as to cry for help like a baby to his mother. In the man the testosterone is very low since alcohol decreases it. Often times the man drinker is impotent causing him to get angry at his lack of manhood although he still loves her.

If a drinker wants to get drunk once a week or 3 times a week please do it as a single person. Don't bring a mate into the picture as now there are two people and the intensity of emotions is quadrupled.

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Old 07-24-2020, 07:33 AM
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Thumbs up

Originally Posted by LostinMD View Post
I was shocked. He had been colder and more distant the last few days but....this ? And I questioned him on it and he just said, "Oh my God, you are SOOOOO sensitive why are you so sensitive." I said, well is that how you feel? You want to break up? The money isn't a reason for us to stay together, that is fine...

A few weeks ago, middle of the night I got a text that just said, "Hey, I over you." This after all the previous texting was kisses and I love you etc....when I pushed him the next day as to WTF he said, I do stupid **** when I drink. Ignore me. And we moved on like nothing happened ....

SO---from those of you who struggle with this disease and are in relationships; which version of this man am I to believe ? . I haven't pushed too hard on that point as I am still legally married, but divorcing (slowly winding through the courts, thanks covid).

Maybe I need to just cut my losses and run, but yeah....I care about this guy.
Yeowza!

I'm a woman and I can see from your words that you both have a lot on your individual plates. A lot of unfinished business which does not bode well for a successful relationship. You're both married and that alone is HUGE. In addition, he's an alcoholic. You don't know who he really is because even with his four days of sobriety - he is not the same person he would be with four months of sobriety. Or even better - four years. Sorry. And unfortunately, just because someone doesn't drink for four days, that doesn't exactly make them sober. It can take four days and longer just to detox. That process most certainly interferes with our personality.

You can care about the guy from afar. You can care about him as you both clean up your sides of the street. He's got a ways to go through before a relationship should be anything he thinks he can juggle along with his newfound sobriety if, indeed, he ever manages to get there.

It looks to me like he needs some sober guidance on a regular basis. Getting sober alone is a monumental task and if he doesn't have any prior experience with treatment, meetings, or coaching/counseling - I don't know how he could successfully climb that mountain. That doesn't mean it can't happen, but he'd have to want his sobriety as much as he wants water and AIR.

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Old 07-25-2020, 02:45 PM
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Id say he has an addiction that makes it hard to say who or what he really feels. The chances are he doesn't know. The problem for you is that he would have to get into recovery for the addiction fog to start to leave but the minute you bring it up, he will accuse you of trying to change him and say stuff like he told you to leave and you knew what you were getting into, stuff like that. The best thing for him would be to work on recovery but only he can make that decision and its not certain that he will ever decide to get better. If you stick with him, you could find yourself going through years of abuse.
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Old 07-25-2020, 03:42 PM
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You deserve better.
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Old 07-25-2020, 06:51 PM
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Jeez that's a tough one! Mainly cause you care for the guy! I was similar to this guy! He obviously has some good points too or you wouldn't care for him! For some strange reason, many alcoholic men seem to choose the finest women! I was that guy who was relapsing and in and out of AA while engaged to a very fine woman! I would have moments where I would make the same statements! "You deserve better"!

I even got a DUI two weeks before our wedding date! I just assumed it was over and asked her if we should just call it off! She stood by me and wanted to go through with it! Then on our honeymoon I started off as this sweetie pie before I opened the fridge in our hotel room and saw that it was stocked with beer and booze! I got real grumpy all of a sudden when she just said, "go ahead!" "I know that's what you want to do!" So I got drunk, went on a binge, and she had to go out looking for me while I was walking around the streets going through party stores and getting drunk! I then went to an AA meeting on the honeymoon to try and straighten up!

When we got back home I went through my third treatment center! Luckily for me and us I've now been sober for 28 years! We have two fine sons who are now in their 20's! Overall we have a pretty good marriage! We rarely fight!

Here's what I would do if I were you! Dumping him right away is one option and not necessarily a bad one! The other option is staying on him to get help with his drinking through either AA or a treatment center! Tell him that's the only way it will work between you two! Tell him that alcoholism can be beaten and there are many alcoholics who are staying sober successfully! If he refuses then tell him it's not going to work! Give him some time to think about it! Maybe two weeks! Give him one more call by saying this is his last chance or it's over! Get help or it's final! It's over! Tell him that you can't go on caring for him if he's not going to get help for his drinking! If he still makes up excuses or refuses then you've got to let him go!

Miracles do happen! There are many alcoholics who seemed so hopeless at one point (me included) who have gotten sobriety and are doing well in their lives! If it doesn't work then at least you can cut ties knowing you tried everything you could and can go on with a peace of mind!
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