Obladi

Alright, I've developed a resentment or two in this sober living home, now. I'm sure you're all relieved to hear it. Ha.

But seriously, I've written that we are required to attend at least one meeting per day in the company of a senior house member. That's no problem. Can't color, can't take notes, can't touch my phone. Ok, I've adapted. Not sure if I can reference the BB during meetings, but I'm not going to even try.

During today's meeting (house manager was not present - it was the other three women, including the assistant house manager, there was quite a lot of chatter between the other women. All of it unnecessary, some of it downright annoying - to me. Things like, "Oh, he's so cute." Or talking back to the screen, "You're ok, honey." Or, "I love her hair - who even looks that good during quarantine?" So, not ok on the not coloring not taking notes if that chatter is ok. But that's beside the point - we should not behave like that in a meeting regardless of how we're attending. It's not a sitcom, folks! So I'll bring this up at tonight's house meeting. In the most respectful way I can think of, making clear I don't want to "get anyone in trouble," but I am very distracted by this chatter that sometimes even drowns out the person on screen who's sharing. I'm open to your suggestions.

Also during today's meeting, someone quoted perhaps my least favorite oft-quoted passed from p 417 (or is it 416?) - the bit where the guy says that any problem he has with any place, person or situation is his problem. Which I always hear/read as "If you're upset about anything, that's your own shortcoming." Which brings to mind glaring examples of certain people who are absolutely bonkers, dangerous and infuriating. I refuse to believe that this is my shortcoming. In fact, when I get "used to" that sort of nonsense, it's very disturbing to me. I also refuse to accept the next passage in which the same guy says, "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake." Seriously? God doesn't determine what happens - God will provide guidance and be well-pleased when we do right, and He/She/It is right pissed when we do wrong. Doesn't mean S/He loves us any less, but laying the blame on God for all things that happen? Nope, not having it. Input is most definitely appreciated on this point because I get really upset Every Single Time it comes up. I know the part about getting upset is all on me, but thinking it's wrong? Am I wrong about that?

Obladi

Second gripe has zero to do with sober home.

Fusion

Hi O, my input is that, if there is a God, s/he is not responsible for what "evil, malevolent, maladjusted, misinformed" folks do, or say.
Because, if there is a God, s/he gave us human folks, free-will.

So, your second gripe?

Hawkeye13

I often take classes incognito at my university just because I like learning new things O. I don't mention I'm a professor, and the students carry on as usual so I get quite a bit of opportunity to observe generations besides my own--both younger and non-traditional so the age range is considerable.
The chatter and non-engagement seems to be part of the package these days for all of them.I'm assuming it has something to do with how our social intake is "packaged" in media bytes and delivered in more-or-less constant stream.
People don't seem to keep their own counsel in groups, or pay much attention to what others say as they either divert the topic or ignore the speaker and look for a chance to take over the conversational turn.
The squeaky wheel and all that. When online, people multi-task which apparently includes gossip and side chatter. I also find it annoying, but it seems to be becoming a part of the linguistic landscape.
Second point does seem to be about one's chosen dogma. For me, freewill is the thing.
God is indifferent yet attentive to our many transgressions / digressions as one parallel universe after another springs into endless existence.
That's my dogma anyway. Glad to see you posting and engaging so much. You are working hard on many fronts.

Obladi

Tatsy, Gripe 1 was about the chatter of my housemates during online meetings. Gripe 2 was about that "nothing happens by mistake" passage in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thanks for your input on that part, as it was the most important bit to me.

Hawk, thanks for the "welcome back." It's good to be here, for sure. Beats trying to read and post in 30 minute increments, that's for certain! Yes, I have witnessed the behavior of the younger uns by virtue of sometimes hosting them and their friends in my home. I've mostly gotten over that the talk throughout movies while cooking and eating and texting and perusing facebook. I'm in agreement that it's part and parcel of their interaction style. However. I would/do expect that in a sober home when we are attending mandatory meetings, people will pay attention. Otherwise, what's the point? I'd rather do meetings on my own, and frequently do, but today's combination of chit-chatting ("I really have to go to the bathroom now." (ok, take care.. thanks for sharing.) "When are we going to say the closing prayer already?") plus the offending text made for a wicked combination. It took all of my might to sit through the thing.

But I did.
So there's that.
Like my friend Dropsie, I can do hard things, even when I don't want to.

Dee74

to make a permanent change you have to change it under USER CP > EDIT OPTIONS > then scroll right down to choose your preferred skin.
D

Obladi

Funny/ odd - didn't have to change anything this time. Thanks for the tip, tho! I'll definitely do that next time I get changed back.

fini

hi O,
about the acceptance story in the book and the nothing-happens-in-god’s-world-by-mistake belief: firstly, it is not “in the program”, so to speak. it has given me the same problems as it does you.Â
oddly, just yesterday, before i read your post, i was on a little hike with my sober pal M, who i met at my first Lifering meeting many years ago. i was telling him about a run-in i had had a day earlier, on another trail, where i had no place to step off the narrow boardwalk as a young family was coming towards me. i asked them from quite a distance to please use the space available to them to step off the trail, as i had no place to go. the guy got super hostile, from “ you know, your FEAR...”here he stopped and just went to “**** this, **** you, **** this place!”
i had not expected it, and it was so immediate and awful. i was stunned, looked at him and said “i see you are a bully.”
point of my story to M was that i was outraged and it took me a good couple of hours to “get over it”.  and i told him about the “acceptance is the answer...” and the  concept of when i am disturbed it is because there is something wrong with me,  and really,  should i be able to just listen to a guy yell at me like this and be able to wish him a nice day and mean it?!?
to which M replied “and wouldn’t that feel great?”
“no, Â no, no”. Â Â but, Â you see, Â that IS where there is something awry. i am attached at times to being disturbed and outraged. which changes nothing for / with the other guy, but has me miserable for a couple of hours. so i DO need to look at that.
the acceptance part is that i have to ACCEPT that i got this thrown at me. it does not mean i AGREE with it. nor does it mean i stay there. i then need to see if i can change something, and what that is. or if i can’t.Â
as far as nothing happening by mistake...i see that as a part of a belief system i do not share. Â shrug. Â it doesn’t disturb me that some/many believe this. Â i accept they think so. i do not.i disagree, but i accept they are convinced.
not sure any of this was the least bit helpful. Â

entropy1964

Hi O
Well if ya didn't have a gripe or 2 you wouldn't be human. As long as such gripes don't escalate, ya know?I started to pick apart AA to the point that it just didn't work for me. If it works for you, you believe you have a spiritual malady and a higher power can stand between you and a drink? Try to focus on the really important parts that give you strength and balance. The rest of the details? Meh, who cares! The devil can be in those details.Just my perspective.

Obladi

Yeah, thanks you guys.

This is why I maintain the first 164 pages ARE the program and everything else is lore, much of which is dogmatic and paternalistic/militaristic. All of which makes is understandable considering these white (and white collar) Americans put the thing together almost 100 years ago. Times were different. I also understand how all of the fluff got added, but people seem to think that "This is a suggestion" is just a polite way of saying "It's our way or the highway to death."

Within the first 164 pages, the word "suggestion" never seems ironic to me; it seems sincere. I like that. I like it a lot. Not because I'm looking for wiggle room but because it quite humbly leaves the door open for other possibilities, for reinterpretation as I progress, for the truth that no one has a corner on the truth market.

That guy's story was a very enjoyable read. Whether he literally meant "nothing is a mistake" is up to interpretation, but the insertion of the emphatic phrase ", absolutely nothing," leads me to believe he really did believe that. And I can/could shrug my shoulders and say, "Great if it worked for him." But I'm distressed that anyone would take that as a mantra in today's world where we supposedly have an increased awareness of troubling situations that are not in Any Way the fault of the victim.

My question was meant to be along the lines of, "Does that distress point to my defect?" I think not. What I do with that distress might point to some aspect of my character that needs work, but being pissed off about it, talking about it, in and of itself is not.

Some people have led me to believe otherwise in the past about this bit of lore and others. Not going with that any more, not just because it seems to be the group think.

Obladi

Edit doesn't seem to work in this skin (at least on my phone), so I'll have to leave my imperfections out there for the world to see. Alas and alack.

SnazzyDresser

It's all good, except for the demon rum. Alas and alack and Assalam Alaikum!

Obladi

Wa alaikum salam

Hawkeye13

Salam alakum

Obladi

I posted a long and eloquent essay on declaring my own independence at my home group the other night. Basically, I said (in a completely non- defensive way) that I am who I am and I like myself. While I'm not like the most of them, I'm alright with that.

And I am!

There's obviously more to the story but I at least wanted to report in.

Also, I got a verbal warning today for eating (a cookie) in my room. Ick at being disciplined, but I did the crime so I deserved it.

Also a new woman moved in Monday night. And got kicked out Tuesday morning, thank The Lord.

Obladi

That "long and eloquent" post was lost due to my negligent and wreckless reliance on the auto-save feature. I thought since I could keep editing, I was golden, but I actually hit the automatic inactive logout time.

Oops

Obladi

I'm still iffy on this skin not showing me "thanks." On the one hand, it massages my ego if you like my stuff but on the other han"Od it has in the past led me convince myself that I'm not posting "right." So although I may do a quick change from time to time just to look, I'm going to try to wean myself - a very good exercise in needing your approval of my self-expression.

Oh, there's so much more story. I'd say I was going to try to be brief, but we all know me by now.

- Yesterday one of my housemates remarked on what a beautiful day it was and that she was going to go out back and enjoy it. I said, "good!" without even looking up. Ten minutes later I heard her from the back door, "O, could you get me a towel please?" I came around the corner to see blood coming down the side of her face and making a couple of ghastly rivulets on her chest. She'd put a hammock up on these rotten old 4x4s and as soon as she climbed in, one of them came down on her head. I drove her to urgent care where they cleaned her up a bit and sent us on our way because they don't take her insurance. Drove her 30 minutes into the city to go to her urgent care and it was closed due to COVID. The sign on the door welcomed us to drive yet another 30 minutes south to the clinic that is actually open. Nope - we went to the hospital, where they pledge to take all comers even if they can't pay. Our health care system is so STUPID - we force people on medicaid to go to Emergency Rooms for their care. How fiscally sound is that? Not.

I couldn't stay with her at the hospital of course. I drove over to my workplace and picked up a few things, then just drove around, lighting here and there while wasting time. Five HOURS later, they released her with a number of sutures and stitches in her head. Left our shoes on the porch, stripped so we could wash our clothes right away, showered and went to bed. Meanwhile the house manager and the house owner are upset. Why did she decide to hang a hammock without asking when we need to ask permission for ANYthing we do? Why was she talking like a little girl after this incident - had she consumed something she oughtn't? They are going to have a private conversation with her tonight. I wouldn't want to be in anyone's shoes on that one.

- Thursday I did my weekly status report with my manager and told her I'd spent quite a lot of time with the team since coming back. Each of them needed some individual attention, "how are you personally doing?"-wise as well as "how can I help you to move along with this project"-wise. I didn't want to seem critical of my manager, and sure didn't say or insinuate anything with my tone, but she'd sort of neglected them in my absence. I brought up my status report and pointed out a couple of things I still hadn't gotten to. And I opened the door for her to tell me her thoughts on that, to which she basically responded that my focus is scattered and I really needed to get these things done. (These things that any analyst on the team could do, and could probably do much efficiently than I because they are in less than half the number of hours of meetings I am. Ahem.) I did some soul-searching and came to the conclusion that for WHATEVER reason, it is important to her that I do this work and so I must get it done. And here I sit on Sunday afternoon, not having touched it at all. Shaking my head at my own obstinate procrastination. I don't feel oppositional, but I sure am acting that way. This is something that must be resolved, and soon. Like starting at the crack o dawn tomorrow.

- That day I wrote about my declaration of independence was the day after the meeting, I think. That very same day a woman who had moved to Florida but used to attend meetings in our area called me! Our conversation started out like a stock AA discussion (the kind I know where people feel the need to correct me), but then turned an unexpected corner when I mentioned that if I'm going to continue to have a "real" (not in name only) sponsor, I'm going to need to broaden my horizons. Because I'm sure not going to find her in my usual stomping grounds. This new-in-Florida woman said, "I knowwww!" and we launched into an hour-long discussion about our frustrations with that particular bunch of people (who I really do love and respect). Wow, what a refreshing and affirming conversation.

- I've been spending a fair amount of time on facebook lately. Just fascinated with the discourse. And really heartened to see that some people seem to be turning the corner from pure self-centered materialism and image consciousness to something more like... valuing more what's important. And actually listening to others' points of view. It gives me some hope for us as a collective.

I have gone up against some of the people who are spouting ignorance and demonstrating their double-standards, and I suppose there is no need for me to do that. But I kind of think there is. If I have a rally or discussion with people who all think the same as I do, what purpose does that serve? I think in the US, we've been far too "polite" or self-centered to argue intelligently about really important things. It's a rewarding challenge for me - countering some of that with facts and rationality. No one has called me nasty names yet, so I think that this might be ok. As long as I don't put myself in the position of telling people what they "should" think, I believe I can walk the thin line between righteousness and standing my ground.

- I feel like there's more, but that's quite enough for now, don't you think?

xo​​​​​​

Obladi

Still can't edit.
That might be a good thing for me, but I apologize to you dear reader for my sloppiness.

Obladi

This is a very embarrassing post to write.

Twice in the last 24 hours, I've been taken to task for something I said/did. I could justify myself by responding that I meant no harm because I certainly did not in either case. But it's not up to me to determine what's good for someone else, or how my words and actions might impact them when it's about them. The words of the counselors from rehab are ringing in my ears, "What do these situations have in common?" The obvious answer was "me, of course, because all of these stories of being misunderstood involve me and I'm the one who's telling you. (doh)" That's as far as my brain could/would go with it. But today, full of remorse and hurt feelings, I am ready to look further.

Last Night
Meeting with the sober home women. The house manager shared about her constant anxiety. Everyone was giving their feedback, and my piece was "It seems like you are running into the future all of the time, and that must be exhausting!" That was ok. She said a little bit later, "Like when O was moving in, I saw puzzles in her belongings. I wasn't sure if that would be ok with the owner so I called to ask, and she said that it wouldn't be ok to do puzzles. So then I waited, and when O asked me three or four weeks later, I knew the answer. That's how I always have to be thinking." I said, "Why didn't you tell me as soon as you knew it wasn't ok? Seems like that would be less stressful than having that hanging over your head until I asked you." That pissed her off. She doesn't need me telling her how to think. I was very hurt and upset by this and told her so. "Every time something comes up like this, I tell you that I'm on your side and respect your authority. I'm not trying to tell you how to think." Which is true. But. I know she is an extremely anxious person and should be cognizant that anything that might feel like a "correction" to her is going to not be well-received. It's not my job to counsel her. It's not my job to counsel anyone. Aside from the people on my team; about tasks and about how current circumstances may be adding to their stress and how to manage that work-wise.

It only took me 20 hours and another stinging rebuke to get me to absorb this.

This Morning
My mom had told me over the weekend that she was "on youtube." She's the recipient of this year's award for a volunteer organization. Mom is very modest about her volunteer work and just in general has never liked to have her picture taken. I viewed the youtube post after we talked and LOVED it. She looked so great in all of the pictures, happy. And I was so proud of her! Thinking those happy thoughts and completely forgetting that I actually know her well enough to know she wouldn't like it, I posted the youtube link on my facebook page. Then, still not thinking, sent her pictures of the many likes and comments in response.

She wrote back almost immediately - "I know you did this out of love, but it makes me uncomfortable to know you shared this information." That may not sound like a stinging rebuke to you, but I promise you it is. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Like I said (and responded to her), if I'd just thought about it for a moment, I knew that this is not something she'd be comfortable with. Apologies submitted, forgiveness requested, facebook post taken down. I think that's all I can do to make amends to her.

That plus pay attention and stop being so freakin self-centered. Being ok with who I am is just fine. Being thoughtless about it is not.

Which Leads Me To the Verbal Fast
I think I just need to stop talking or writing about others/to others about themselves without being invited to do so. I could be coming from a place of sincere love and caring, but that doesn't mean it's ok to just impose myself on someone else.

Seems like the best way to do that, at least for now, is to keep my mouth shut and eliminate my facebook posting altogether. Facebook is nothing but people sharing their lives (I don't care to share about my life right now) and trying to influence others in one way or another. I should not be doing any of that. I need to get my own head on straight and then maybe I can consider how best to share my hard-earned insights.

It will need to be a partial fast because I still need to speak with people to get my job done. I still need to (or ought to) great people when I see them (as is the custom in this home) and respond when people speak directly to me. Other than that, I think I need to just be quiet. Not sure what to do about SR. I think maybe it's ok to post on my this thread during this "fast," but refrain from responding to others at this time.

Damn it, this growing up stuff is hard.

Obladi

"greet people" not "great" them