Stoprelapsing

Contrary to my username, I did stop relapsing for a long time.

Unfortunately, I did again. Withdrawal is always horrid but I used to get through it by thinking of the good things on the other side.

This time, I can't. There are no good things. I drank again because my partner of years, literally my life, threatened me and so he had to leave.

Now I think I have depression (I literally can't cry, just feel doom). And the crap my partner's left me in has real consequences. There is nothing good to push through for because even if I get sober, I will have a whole load of **** to deal with.

Also, I'm very lonely now. As much as it didn't work out with my partner, at least when I did withdrawal back then, there was someone comforting there. I'm now waking up to an empty pillow and utter sadness. I would honestly rather not wake up. (not suicidal, just so depressed),

Urgh how do you deal with this? Something in me desperately wants to get sober again or I wouldn't even be trying. I've cut down loads (though full withdrawal will still be hellish), but I can't quite get over the line because of this.

suki44883

I'm sorry you feel so down. Life can be so hard sometimes. I'm sure you already know alcohol is a depressant. While living sober won't make everything right, it will make it easier to deal with the other stuff. When I was drinking, I didn't want to do anything...even cleaning around the house. I had no ambition at all. After I got sober, that didn't change immediately, but it did after a while.

I hope you will fight through the withdrawals. If you still feel so low, maybe see your doctor for some help. There truly is a better life waiting for you on the other side. You just have to work at it. Hugs to you.

Stoprelapsing

Thanks for your kind words Suki. Hugs and all the best to you.

wildflower70

Hey there, I know how you're feeling, I've been that low before too, I had no real motivation to quit.
The biggest reason to quit is YOU! You are worth the hellish withdrawals, you are worth the effort, you are worth fighting for.
There is your motivation, tell yourself that you are good enough and you deserve a happy life, a life filled with peace, love, and joy.
How about starting today? Today can be the day you begin to love yourself again, Right now!

Stoprelapsing

Thank you so much Wildflower. Honestly, I know this. I would never have fought for sobriety otherwise. But I've just felt so depressed it doesn't feel true.

Thank you. You just made me cry, which I haven't been able to. When you feel so sad you can't even cry, then you start to not care anymore. Some of the fight is coming back now. Thank you x

faith823

Great job posting. I was where you were 30 days ago.
This summer I was feeling the doom and a shell of a person.
If you can get through 72 hours of nurture/self care and withdrawel.
I believe you will feel much better. A sense of well being will come over you. You are not alone and have support here 2-4-7 . I will say a prayer for you. I totally believe that you have the ability to do this.. Have some of the hurt lift and work on quality sobriety.

harriet11

Perhaps you don't feel worth crying over. Then someone is kind to you and suddenly you realise that maybe you are worth it after all

Stoprelapsing

Thank you Faith. That's very kind and I'm so glad you're in a better place now.

Harriet you pretty much nailed it. I only ever cry properly when someone is kind. Unfortunately I grew up with a Narcissist mother. It doesn't bother me that much, I've been working through it with a great counselor. But we've both noticed I only cry when people show kindness to me. I literallly had extreme stomach pains (girl stuff) in hosp a few weeks back and I only cried when the receptionist noticed I'd been waiting too long and brought me a bottle of water and something to eat. It's effed up isn't it?

wildflower70

You deserve kindness, from yourself and others. Maybe start by making a list of things you can do right now to practice self care? (showing yourself kindness)

Hot bubble bath
Nice hot meal
A long refreshing walk
An extra big piece of pie

Love yourself more than you love getting high. That's 1/2 the battle!

You've got this

faith823

I think the release of crying is you realizing you are worth being cared about. Recognizing kindness toward you in your life is a wonderful quality and attribute. Please be kind to yourself . When detoxing and getting sober for the first 11 days I cried non-stop. I was unable to cry while numbing my emotions and feeling sick/fatigued and doomed.
The crying well processing my emotions that I am worth it and people care. People who have been where I am have successfully stopped drinking. People are so kind in meetings when you are suffering. It is also therapeutic to cry those tears of experiencing kindness and being a part of, you matter and you are not alone

Happy Thanksgiving.

Dee74

I'm really sorry that happened to you stoprelapsing.

I was the victim of spousal abuse many years ago. I felt hopeless too. I could not see a future.

I was angry at my partner but I blamed myself too - what did I do to help make this happen?

I drank a lot...got nowhere,..lost myself for an entire decade...nearly died.

After I got sober I found another relationship which is all I had hoped the other relationship would be/should be but never really was.

I guess my point is - you have nothing to punish yourself for or to lose hope over, stoprelapsing.

You're worthy of love - not only someone else's... but your own too.

Be good to yourself.

Don't lose yourself now - that would only compound the sadness of this situation. Stay sober and be ready for the good things ahead. I really believe they're there, waiting for you

D

Stoprelapsing

Thank you, everyone. You have no idea of how much you've helped.

And Happy Thanksgiving to my US cousins.

Dee74

take care of yourself

D

RecklessDrunk

I'm waking up to an empty pillow myself. It sucks, it looks hopeless sometimes in middle age. I kick myself about mistakes and blown opportunities . It takes work sometimes to keep out the negativity.

I remember one of my first times in an airplane. A little before landing the sun was so bright and it was such a beautiful day. Then the plane descended through the clouds. In a few minutes it was so dark, gloomy, light rain, what an awful day. I realized, even when you dont see it, the sun is out there!

Those clouds will eventually clear. The sun is there but you just cant see it right now. I can't either sometimes. You just have to keep making good decisions. Stay on the path, stay sober today. Don't worry if it's raining the next several days. Just keep going foward, the sky will clear up at some point.

Stayingsassy

I see good things.

I see a partner who threatened you is now out of your life.

You can now tackle what you need to without dealing with a threatening persons energy.

You’re feeling a stirring within you to quit drinking, which is a positive force, it is the life force in you wanting to thrive in the middle of your self destruction.

You’re grieving normally and moving through the pain of a breakup, going bravely through a dark tunnel while considering quitting drinking right in the middle of it.

New year, new you. There are a million fish in the sea, and most of them do not threaten the people they love.

It’s impossible to find hope in the bottom of a bottle. You get stuck down there. The darkness is like quicksand, and it won’t let you see any hope, but I think even down there in the bottle you know that’s a lie the booze is whispering in your ear, to get you to sink down even farther, to forget it all and just drink, sink yourself down to ruin, disease and death.

Listen to the part of you that wants to quit, and ignore the lies.

The best way to move through a broken heart is to do it sober, and the best way to start fresh is to do it without unhealthy influences in our environment.