I'm really sorry that happened to you stoprelapsing.
I was the victim of spousal abuse many years ago. I felt hopeless too. I could not see a future.
I was angry at my partner but I blamed myself too - what did I do to help make this happen?
I drank a lot...got nowhere,..lost myself for an entire decade...nearly died.
After I got sober I found another relationship which is all I had hoped the other relationship would be/should be but never really was.
I guess my point is - you have nothing to punish yourself for or to lose hope over, stoprelapsing.
You're worthy of love - not only someone else's... but your own too.
Be good to yourself.
Don't lose yourself now - that would only compound the sadness of this situation. Stay sober and be ready for the good things ahead. I really believe they're there, waiting for you
D