soberista

"It just feel like way I living is mentally ill."

And that is what alcohol does to you.

Today another "thing" has happened. Situation occurs with my son and he says he doesnt know what i am talking about. I said I told you the other day! He said he didnt remember so I showed him the text. Now Ok most would say whats the big deal in this but I found his replies a bit cheeky and instead of (as I normally would brush it under the carpet) i said you may may be 27 but youre not to old for your mother to give you a clip round the ear!. It was a very bold statement for me. (In the past I couldnt have remembered what I even said to my son yesterday so this is an amazing leap!) This boldness whereby I seize a moment and express how I feel with conviction is new and refreshing. Its taking responsibility for me and my feelings and expressing myself correctly. A novelty.

I am listening to the Killing Moon. No Adam Ant isnt punk, Just on the fringes of punk but around at the same time. I was more The Clash, The Ramones, and a rarely heard of band The Only Ones. Another Girl Another Planet (story of my life) Great track!

courage2

Thanks for pointing that out -- it was going to drive me crazy. The New Wave was part born/part manufactured as an alternative to punk and disco. I think the sound of new wave is sometimes "punkette" mostly because it's agitated/neurotic/white music, but the ethos is not that similar. I like early Elvis Costello but his angry thing isn't a punk rage.

Sorry to break into the recovery talk. Ian Dury, anyone?

Dropsie

In my view, addiction is really just a bad habit that is hard to break. All the best research on habits say the only way to change them is to change what we do in response to the cue. The cue never goes away.

Stupid example, but my sink was broken for at least 10 years because I did not want to change the way it looked. So I brushed my teeth in the bath. Sorry Lenina. Sink has been fixed for six months and I still turn to the bath everytime I brush my teeth.

Also, every night during dinner when we have my youngest we watch Grimm while we eat. If something comes in between so we cant do it, I get mildly upset. Its not the show, its the ritual. My partner thinks its a bit weird, but it works for me.

XXX

LeeJo

I brush my teeth in the shower at home! I have a toothbrush holder and the toothpaste right there! Maybe it’s gross, I don’t think so.....I used to have a water pick in there too. It was less messy, but the neighbors could see it on the windowsill and had questions.

I try not to judge too harshly.

Love from Lenina

Hawkeye13

I never got the bathroom sink / counter / mirror installed when our house-building fizzled, so I'm a shower-brusher too.
It's been very interesting not having a mirror for many years to check how I look. Good and bad.

A funny new habit I have is now I spend part of my time at another house we will be moving to when I retire, and it has lots of large mirrors.
Even when I brush my teeth there at one of the many bathroom sinks with giant mirrors, I don't at myself either. More behavioral response?

Shout out to O-- Will you be joining us in our high-carb Crone Motel extravaganza? I'm planning to ask LeeLee to coordinate the towels and linens so it will be nice.

entropy1964

As Cow said so much to digest. I'm not worthy!!!

I think its hilarious that the Adam Ant thing stuck out.....sounds like we are babies of the 70's/80's here. Well I was a die hard new waver, then punk (mostly british and LA but some NYC), then into 'death' metal which I guess became goth and now emo or whatever. Saw so many bands I wouldn't know where to begin. Then went through a weird skate/surf punk phase...all of this mixed with being a consistent lover of metal...and forever Led Zep so figure that one out. Then the big hair band phase in 86. Oh and I was a 'mod' for a while too...joined a scooter club in LA and SB...haha. Pretty funny. Even now, I absolutely love Creepers and really think I should bring them back. Old ladies wearing Creepers and bondage pants. What do you think? When I had cancer I thought, 'if I have to do chemo I'll dye my hair pink cheetah (cause I always wanted to do that but didn't have the balls). Thank goodness that has not yet happened. Tests in November each year scare the hell out of me....get to see whether 'its' back. Ahhhh good times.

Routines. What would I do without them? That's all for another day.

You ladies and gents are amazing.

LeeJo

I’ll start stealing towels from the various hotels now so we can have a variety to choose. Most hotels are using all white, no specific designs.

We must get some really good sheets too. Trach will have a chef’s kitchen.

Starting my day shortly. Must begin extensive grooming rituals. I had my hair cut and it’s high nuisance value.

Love from Lenina

Dropsie

I studied hotel resturant administration back in the day with Frick had big hair before l became a lawyer -- count me in!! No vineyard, but we can have fresh milk, butter and cheese from the pasture...

soberista

Having recently extracted myself from running a large hotel and restaurant im sorry but there is nothing that remotely interests me about the operations of Crone Motel. Ive swapped it for a life of creativity so perhaps i could run some art classes?

soberista

Maybe we could get a band together....

entropy1964

Good morning. Ugh. Tough night and morning. Lost it with my daughter last night. I had just had it.

You see, I truly never lose my cool. But I did last night. I can't say I regret it...it needed to happen. We were both very upset but maybe in a way it cleared out some cob webs. I can only be a punching bag for so long. Its like the enabler, trying to keep the calm, just loses it with the addict and finally says "ENOUGH" because that's all they can do. That's how I feel.

Then I wake up this morning, basically dreading the day, and I see a text that came in late from my brother. A good old friend of mine (we haven't spoken in some time....just lost touch because she lives in Palo Alto and I in Idaho) was found dead in her car. She had been missing, which neither of us knew (my brother). Some of the details are sketchy but it appears she simply got in an accident. Its just weird that there were no witnesses as she was on a very busy bridge. But why she was there is also unclear. I'm just so so saddened. Like WTF? This is not a person that this should have happened to. I mean, of course it shouldn't happen to anyone. But she was just so cool and so loved. Just so random and weird. I'm so shocked. So awful for her family and just so wrong. I almost feel guilty about even feeling sorry for myself with the BS I'm going through. At least we are alive.

Appreciate each moment. It can be snatched away for absolutely no reason. Flucken sucks.

entropy1964

Ok back to the regularly scheduled programming. Me and my bs.....blah!

So rituals. I have 'schedules' and I have rituals. and I definitely understand and relate to Cow's perspective...keeping the groves well worn. Keeping the obsessive/compulsive neuropathways well traveled. I have a very intentionally 'small' life. A predictable, scheduled flow. I don't know if that's right or good, but it is safe. And being only 17 months or so sober, safe is a necessity.

Do I 'like' how small my life is? That I'm too fragile emotionally to take chances? Dunno. Do I accept it as part of the deal? Yes. I don't know exactly when my life will change. I think it grows incrementally each day. But it is what it is.

I have a sleep ritual...well, because I can't sleep without it. I have a morning ritual, well, because I love it. I have an evening ritual...because its predictable and safe.

On Sunday we went to a really pretty park in our area with a photographer for my kids senior pics. I realized, I rarely, and I mean rarely, break out of my evening ritual. We didn't get home until 9pm or so which isn't my norm. I was fine. But I was definitely missing my ritual.

I am an addict whose main goal is to stay sober, no matter what. And I pretty much will do anything to do so. So if having some rituals helps that, and they aren't destructive, I'm ok with that.

The big jump into that life thing happens incrementally. Its happening right now....

soberista

I completely agree Flick...it happens, life, by osmosis. Slowly it starts to creep in.
The one thing i am very aware of (and i think why small life and routines works to start) is that i find i can't handle stress or disruption. I hope that will ease but i find currently that anything that makes demands of me (replying to important emails, things going wrong with the house/ car)...well they seem to escalate quickly for me and i find i become abnormally anxious. I need to find ways to deal with these things better.

My sleep routine is wonderful. I have a lavender/chamomile diffuser by the bed, meditation app downloaded so i can turn off wifi and data, always clean and scrubbed teeth and a tablespoon of magnesium. Sleep like a baby. I.certainly love bed times now. And how i managed my life with a hangover I'll never know!

Delizadee

Hiya folks.
Frik, I am so sorry to hear about your friend, old or not, it still is very sad, you are right.

I gotta get some REALLY TRIGGERING stuff out, so if you are feeling ... you know. Just dont read. I need a safe little corner where I can get this out.

Seriously please don't read if you are triggered by abuse.

I just got out of detox Sunday. I am going back to treatment, soon as we can get me in. I have hit two meetings since getting out, another one tonight. Just going to do as many as I can until I can get in.

I found out my 14 year old daughter was interfered with by her grandfather. Her father, with whom she lives, beat him half to death with a baseball bat. Her grandpa was living with them. Apparently this has been going on for years even before she went to live with her dad. Apparently grandpa is in jail now.
Apparently. Apparently.

Frik, your relationship with your daughter resonates with me.
My daughter had to deal with a LOT of sh*t because of my drinking when we lived out on the farm and the ultimate blowout. She was the caretaker of her sibs, and often times, me basically until the age of 11ish. When I first knew I was in bad shape and brought the kids to their dad's.

She has learned real well how to lie and manipulate. I can't take all the responsibility for that, her dad is no better influence.

I just can't take it all in. I can't. I took her to her dad's- to the man who abused me- so she could be abused. All because I was too fking drunk to take care of her. She hates me and she wants to have her way with things and I honestly don't know who she is anymore or what she wants or needs or what I can do for her.

I was in the same area as her last month, she wanted to see us. I got pulled 10 different ways by all the players involved- my daughter, my dad, my most recent ex (to whom she first confided all this in), myself, my other kids..
And I left. I just frikken left.

I cannot even begin to explain the horror or fury I feel. I got dragged through the court system by her dipsh*t father and there were SO many lies and cover ups just to find out NOW that at the same time she was going to court to testify against her grandfather. And NOTHING was ever said to me. To the kids' lawyer.



I. cannot. Deal.
I have spiraled hard. I am having ptsd, I am off work indefinitely and thankfully, by the grace of God I still have a job because I was in awfully bad shape the last day I went to work.
By the grace of God, my kids are healthy and ok.
And by the grace of God, and by the grace of God...


That's like the worst half. Or most of it. Sorry, I didn't feel like dumping this in one post on any forum I just need a safe space, right now. I feel so ineffectual.

Not even the right word. I have no idea what to do with myself. Off work too much time to think trying to adjust to being back on meds and starting to digest this shiz.

No idea. Absolutely no idea. I have no idea how I will ever forgive myself.

Gilmer

(((((((Del)))))))

I'm so sorry.

Obladi

Hawk, I'm happy to join y'all at the Crones' place as long as we allow our cronies in. Would hate to leave behind the broster, snappy, fbl and other males we deem suitable for inhabitation.

Obladi

Frick, don't minimize what is happening with your daughter. I know how traumatic that can be and how it can occupy a huge space in your psyche. This truth doesn't at all detract from the sorrow you feel over your friend's passing. They are both part and parcel of what you are living right now and the additive affects are stressful. Justifiably so.

I'm sorry you blew up and know you'd just as soon not do that. Glad you are giving yourself a break on that.

I'm sorry for the sorrow and randomness of the passing of your friend. It's never easy, whether anticipated or no. But the question marks are really disconcerting. It's "easier" if we can put a logical narrative on the thing, I think.

Obladi

Deliza,

I'm so sorry.
Keep venting.

Delizadee

I am so sorry. Let's go back to regular programming again. I have been following along from time to time when I check in at SR. I just haven't had the heart to post. At the heart of it I fairly disgust myself. I need off my crazy train.

I needed to get some of the crazy out of my head. So sorry guys.

I mostly just lock it up whenever I can because there is nothing I can do about it right now other than try and get myself back to rights.
Which includes my 3rd meeting in 2 days, finding a sponsor tonight, and finishing up my treatment paperwork.

What does a less than sane alcoholic do with too many minutes between meetings and treatment and no work? Baha.

fini

Deliza, oh ouch.....and certainly please nothing to apologize for here.
telling is part of getting ourselves back to rights, and locking things up , well, i mostly haven't seen that be a good coping strategy.
glad to hear you are taking concrete steps.