courage2

((Delizadee))
Honestly, I'm so glad to see you posting and to know you're alive. I've missed you & worried & wondered.
Cling to people at meetings and make them go to diners with you. Set up chairs at meetings. Call all the numbers of all the people at meetings who gave you their numbers but never really thought you'd call. Some of them will be drunk, some will be weasels, but some of them might take you to diners.

entropy1964

Good morning Crones and bros

Aw Delz, I relate. In 2007 I had a major breakdown (when I was diagnosed with PTSD) when my daughter was inappropriately touched by a boy her age at school. I don't think she even thinks about it anymore, but it triggered a series of events that were quite immense. To this day I don't really know if I have PTSD (I think I feel guilt with that diagnosis because it sounds so huge and I don't think I've suffered anything like vets etc that really struggle...I know that's illogical but it is what it is). I do know that I haven't felt the symptoms of PTSD for quite a while. I did EMDR therapy and I think in its sneaky way it actually worked. And long term abstinence is probably the top reason I'm not out of my mind. It will get better. I'm sorry for what happened to your daughter...more than sorry, jesus. Glad the old bastard is in jail. I think the only thing you can focus on right now, in the moment, is abstinence. Give yourself some time to get emotionally stronger.

Thanks O for the support. I am sorry I exploded, but I don't regret it if that makes sense. I believe the only option was to express myself because I'd tried every other medium and level of emotional modulation. She tried more bs yesterday and I actually stood my ground. Wow. Who knew. So maybe some progress is being made. For now, she is grounded forever. Haha. She is such a sweet girl and I love her. But holy moly she makes me nuts.....and she makes herself nuts. Just like Mom...apple, meet tree.

Maybe I'll have a few calm days, maybe even a week. Wouldn't that be something. I can tour assisted living facilities. Maybe finish up my resume.

Have a great day peeps.

LeeJo

I’m proud of you, Deliz, for taking care of business. These hard days will pass. You’re building a new foundation. And will grow stronger and you be peaceful soon. Just keep doing the next right things. Like you, I had to rebuild from ashes. The best thing that happened to me was an enlightened sponsor.

If you’ve got aftercare from your rehab, be sure to go. Let them know you’re looking for a sponsor. Try to get a temporary sponsor until you find a good fit.

Love fro Lenina

Obladi

It totally makes sense to be sorry and not regret at the same time. I had quite a number of those moments with my own girl.

Obladi

So what's going on over here is more relapse. Got pretty emotional with my therapist over it this week which is unusual for me. The conversation started with me talking about being special "just like everybody else" (my words) and how I just don't get how I don't GET it. I'm not that unique, you know? He countered by saying that I am indeed unique and that my constellation of factors is different from anyone else and why would I discount that?

Really, I was thinking about people here on SR and out in AA who have very straight-forward and rational arguments that point out that there is nothing so very unique about me in regard to addiction. Pretty much, the answer is "don't do that." To me, talk about my own constellation or galaxy of issues and how they relate to my drinking seems like a cop out, honestly. That there might be something uniquely "wrong" with me is a notion I reject outright. And at the same time, I feel a huge rush of relief when I let that be true. Not in an "aha so there!" sort of way, but in a self-compassionate sort of way.

I don't know if that makes sense. But anyhow, for some reason I think that may be where I might be able to find "surrender."

Cow, why so quiet?

Cow

I up to no good. I been try to write you guys about it, but, got nothing to say. I has some kind of psychotic break other day. Whole day of accelerating addict behaviors that speed up to some kind of cartoon oblivion.

I think, when you living alone, it much more easy to be crazy. Cuz they is no shame in you crazy. And they is no one to check it. If was other person around, I not be able to do 80% of my life, cuz would be too shameful and they be like, what in fcck is you doing?!?!

Anyway, good news is, I stunned, hollow and bereft enough from this episode, that I ready to try for sanity again. Does you wish to try with me, special sn"O"w flake?

I keeeeeed. Of course you unique, O. Everybody unique. But plus also, being that everybody unique, uniqueness pretty common. Universe/Life not give crap about our unique circumstance, so we just still has to find way to get our shht together, yes?

RecklessEric

A therapist once told me that the trees in a wood all look different.
However, when they get sick, it's the same kind of sickness and the sickness on each tree looks the same.
I think I know what I mean when I relate that to what you said above.
Makes sense in my head anyway.

Hawkeye13

I think we don't get it till we get it, and then still backslide against all logic.

O, I am glad you are being compassionate with yourself. Self-loathing is all too easy for most of us, and if we cannot be a friend to ourselves, I think it will be impossible to stay sober, or rather recover from this addiction.

I think you should not consider your "galaxy of issues" impacting your drinking as a cop-out, but more as an impediment for which it is imperative you find a work-around to get thyself back to Soberville.

You had yourself there not so long ago, and you know the way back. You don't have to be ready to get there. You don't have to know why it's harder for you to go than others. I do think we are on a spectrum, and that initial quitting is grueling grisly misery for many, including yourself.

I'm more on the other end--I stop and can stay stopped fairly easily. I feel almost guilty about this when I read about the suffering you and Cow and some of our other friends on this list go through to put down the bottle. Yet I chose illogically to step back into the bottle for stupid reasons. And that shows just how intractable an enemy we face.

It's that willingness to live in the discomfort which comes hard and fast those first weeks you have to face full on, and a strong aversion to that is expected. What tools can you get out of the toolbox to do that? You already know that there is increasing relief in the upward spiral. You've felt it for yourself. Do what it takes to get to that place again. Then start working on the other stuff.

Cow, I'm so sorry you had such a rough event and glad to see you back. I agree it is easier to be crazy alone. I edit my crazy around spouse just cuz I don't wanna hear about it later. I'm afraid of raising the nutcase bar too high in case I crash through it and do damage I can't fix. Nonetheless, you have us and when things start to escalate, you need to reach out for a little virtual support. Because you aren't truly alone. None of us are if we can count on each other.
And I think we can do that.

courage2

I hope everyone here struggling with relapse or early recovery will treat themselves with the compassion they would show a sick child. That's what we're like -- right down to the bawling and tantrums and sudden defecation.

Compassion in illness goes to the unique person. The medicine, we hope, will work for many who suffer from the same disease.

Cosima11

Very important to meet our suffering (even when it's self inflicted) with compassion.

As for the paradox of uniqueness, a quote/concept from my noble truths book that stuck with me... "Suffering- like happiness- is a universal stream flowing through each of us. Standing in the stream, we only experience the suffering that flows around us. Our view is only through our eyes- our context, body sensations, and emotions are unique." So it's both personal and impersonal. Which brings us back to duality... speaking of which where you at Plenny?

I'll have to get more caught up here later but just wanted to stop by.

Obladi

It's only those rare occasions when I allow myself to be vulnerable when I experience that flicker of compassion. Mostly, I grimly make my way through the days with an attitude of "just cut it out," but then I don't. Which surely does contribute to lessened regard for myself. I hate even writing that but I'll let it stand.

Cow, how are you getting along? Any idea what contributed to decompensation? How do we prevent that going forward? Honest answer to joining you is, "Hell yes, hang on a sec." I'm getting there... just have to rally again. Again!

Obladi

Hawk, I'm not so sure we're that different in regard to stopping and staying stopped (until, of course, I start again). I don't think that it's all that difficult for me either, I just have to decide. With conviction. I too start drinking again for stupid reasons - or none whatsoever, I don't know. I honestly can't attest to "what" it is that spurs the starting again, constant navel-gazing notwithstanding.

courage2

It was really my 5th step in AA (trite but true) where I recognized that my screwed-up-edness was legitimate and deserving of compassion. Now when the blues get me, I can acknowledge that in a more matter-of-fact, less self-pitying way. Then I pour myself a nice hot tea with milk and sugar or run the bath water over my feet (something I find very soothing). And recognize that my best bet for feeling better, after the tea, is to keep living better.

Cow

... ...ginger tea. Apparently, ginger is serotonin agonist. I was no aware of this, but I sure brain notice straight away and start obsessing on it. But main thing is, I just not can get through day without moving from fix to fix. Even right now, I think, what I gonna has for dinner? Uh huh, uh huh, okay, but then what I gonna has for snack after the dinner?! Like only way right now tolerable is that I know food reward coming up. To think back, I always been like this.

Anyways, night of my episode, I drinking wine and eating EVERYTHING for hours and hours. Like big conveyor going in my mouth and was no amount gonna be enough. What next? What next? And it become surreal inconsolable road to nowhere, which I feel like that all life is for me anyways. Luckily, I puke guts up before I pass out. Then I wake up and start again.

courage2

Gilmer

Hawkeye13

It's definately an advantage O to be able to quit without much pain in one direction--the quitting direction. But it's proved a distinct disadvantage for me in the other direction of starting drinking again. I think I had an attitude of "I can always stop again" which makes drinking too low stakes in my mind.

I think I do know at this point some major "whys" I do it but I think what I did the first time is what I am going back to. When I did my "big quit" I told myself I would stop no matter what totally for 6 months, and reasses at that point if I would stay quit. Forever was just too scary.

When I got that first six months I felt so much better in every way, I decided to stick it for a full year. And then about 8 months more and then I got complacent and thought I could drink moderately, and did for awhile until it crept up again. Bad choice.

So what resolve can you make for maybe getting that first six months?

Delizadee

Cow, sometimes I think we walk in close pastures.

funny thing about warm tea and milk and sugar... got me thinking of going back to detox. How my counselor said if I slipped to go back.

I left detox a day early because I was SO hungry. I am a small girl and they were rationing food for us. Eventually we ran out of bread. We ran out of milk. We ran out of the dark brew.
I could not STAND that a bunch of detoxing addicts were going hungry between our allotted meals. I kept giving my meals to a pregnant mom there. I found the hot tea was comforting. But we were literally eating peanut butter and jam out of the little packets we were so hungry.
I left and leaving there as hungry as I was triggered a massive binge for me.
I think both with the drinking and the food.

I can't go back to that. I starved myself a decade ago while I worked and tried to keep food on the table for my kids. I have flukced my brain up with all my disordered eating and meds and booze. I get that.I feel bad for the staff at the centre. They were SO mad at the food situation. The one counselor I sat down with and talked about another client who was very badly abusing the food privilege actually cried with me.
She told me about how her dad was an alcoholic for 25 some years and living on the streets and when he finally got sober, he ate and and ate and could not stop eating for the first bit of his recovery until his brain and life evened out and he knew that there would be food tomorrow, he could keep leftovers. And she said how none of the staff agreed with clients having to worry about how much food they would have access to. We rallied together though. I was able to buy some food from the caf when we went on our supervised walks so I bought extras for me and whoever I could.

I ramble. Now I want tea. A bed, and mostly. I want to smack myself back to 2 months ago. Not really. But kind of.

Delizadee

I actually need to say thank you for this thread right now. It just made things make so much sense.

Need2Know

Cow,

I have a minor league version of your "conveyor belt" eating thing. I can't stop eating fritos. I take one or two to start, then more, then have a huge handfuls, then more handfuls, till I feel sick from too much corn and salt.

I did take a step, towards or away from sanity, I'm not sure which. I talked for almost an hour with my therapist about if we should or should not continue to work on my death wish problem. I decided that its probably not something we can resolve in counseling and so then he said, I guess this is it then.

I said, no, I'm drinking again and want your help with that. He said great. But I'm going on a two week vacation starting Monday.

Ugh.