Need2Know

Dog days are the best days!

Knowing me you had to see that coming, right?

Quote:

All I doing is suffering
-----Why are you suffering?
I trying to make life changes
-----Why can’t you just change without the suffering?[/INDENT][/INDENT]

This reminds me of the four noble truths of Buddhism. I'm not a Buddhist but I think Buddha has a point here. Which is why I don't want to be here.

Quote:

This remind me of great thing Confucius say: The way out is through the door... why is it no one will use this method.

Did he really say that Cow? Or are you showing off your humours talent? Either way, that is some funny sh!t.

Obladi

I don't know that I find the bit about the door humorous at all. I know where the door is, but I can't or won't use it. Aside from the times I do. But the damned thing revolves!

Obladi

Frick, the best advice I can give you as the mother of an extraordinarily self-centered 17 year old girl is to stay on the upper road as much as you possibly can. She is undoubtedly living her own truth and her own suffering without comparison to any other. By which I mean, you have your own trials and tribulations and hers most likely dim in light of yours, but she doesn't know or understand that. At least that is how it was with mine. So if I'd taken any expectation of compassion or plain decency for me as her mother out of the picture, we'd have avoided a great deal of the drama.

Infuriating? Frustrating? Yeah. I don't know how to help you just breathe through it, but it's what I wish I had done.

I've no idea if that is helpful or not, but hope that it helps that I can relate to that crazy place.

Cosima11

Need2Know, it reminds me of Buddhism too. I'm reading a book called Dancing With Life about the four noble truths. Lame title yes but honestly I've turned to in in moments of anxiety and it's helped to some extent.

So about my flat tire incident from the last thread, apparently there was a nail in it so it wasn't actually my fault. But that's still the first thing my mind goes to after how many years of self sabotage.. Like I'm still sometimes looking over my shoulder waiting for my past to jump out at me from behind the bushes.

Amazingly I've never had a DUI, although I certainly deserved one or maybe 20. That was the first and last time I drove blacked out (literally have no idea why I was driving or where I was planning on going) but sadly that's the line I had to cross in order to see what I was doing was really dangerous.. delusional on top of the arrogance. I did wonder if I had inflicted that event on myself as I was reaching a level of mental turmoil that was nearing some sort of crisis. Was it the event that caused the breaking point, or was it the breaking point that caused the event? I suppose it really doesn't matter.. My hope for everyone here is to use the door even before there is a crisis looming on the horizon.

Cow

Yes Walk, Confucius really say that. I think it meant to be true, but also ironic, O, in same vein as something being obvious and simple, but no easy.

Nice to see you, Della and Rose.

Frick, I concur what O say. It maybe true she is purposeful try to hurt you or punish you, but I not think she herself capable to understand full dynamics of this until much older. I think it gonna mean something to her, later, if you take higher road now. I not has kids, of course, but this what I glean from observing brother and nieces.

So, I think I having issue with my grooves. As we discuss last thread, habituation become absolute and is hard to escape the well worn grooves in the brain. I had establish "sober routine," which sound good, but routine still was soothing same grooves. Like, I just have different runners on the same tracks. Which maybe work for lot of folk, but I think I keep me "activated." I think I need to blow up the tracks.

entropy1964

Thanks guys. Yes I took the high road. I know she doesn't 'know' what's she's doing in that she lacks the emotional understanding and maturity at this time.

It got more complex today ending with her having a massive melt down in the bathroom at school. I told her to go to the nurses office where I picked her up. Oh drama drama. Her father is ready to kill her so I told him to stay away.

Sooooo. Haha. I'm not laughing. Just making light. I stayed very cool and calm but the consequences are big for her and she knows it. She's now cramming to memorize her speeches for her first tournament....that she had all summer to do. Ah procrastination.

Thanks for all the words of support. It really helps.

courage2

Can you be more specific? I can't tell what you're talking about. Thanks!

courage2

Frickaflip, I empathize with your daughter. I didn't *have* a hard child, but I was one. At her age, I was so stupid, and so unlikely to hear what I needed, and so essentially messed up -- my parents suffered from my abuse, but their suffering didn't make a single bit of difference. They might as well have gone to Bermuda.

Maybe you should take a spa weekend?

Dropsie

Frick,

I would offer to go see someone with her.

She will probably refse, but the fact you offer may be heard somewhere in her crazy adolescent brain.

My daughter is 25 and still torturing me. I always thought I did the same to my mother and it was just payback from the U until my mother told me -- like that, you, never, and she meant it.

I put the child through hell with the booze and her Dad is a demanding control freak whom she will never please, so who can blame her.

But for her, I think we should go see someone because my therpast whom I worship says I owe it to her as her mother to do my best to let her come to terms with her feelings about me while we still reside on this planet together. If not, she can never heal.

Now that she is finally done with Uni, I am going to push harder to do it, but I really wish for both of us we had gne when she was 17. Even if she just pouted in the corner...

Cow,

I totally get it, for me I just found a way to go through the door...

courage2

Frick, Re Dropsie's post, & what I posted before, I *also* will never understand why my parents didn't do anything to help me. Except my mother "helped" me leave home. I don't know what they were trying to communicate and I never will, but what I heard was, get out, we're sick of dealing with you.

So It would be nice, even if she refuses your help, if she could look back some day and know you kept offering. But take some time for yourself, too?

Talkinandwalkin

The sealing wax part was really interesting if you think about it. It is just unimaginable in todays world to take the time to seal an envelope with that much care and style. If we put that much patience with the rest of our life just think.

LeeJo

Hellooooo, darlings. Good to see everyone! Bbl when I have more time. Running out the door in a few and must get organized

Much love from Lenina.

Dropsie

Lenina,

great to see you!!

xx

entropy1964

Yeah I know she's going through it. SHE knows she's going through it. And I absolutely know, without a doubt, she's testing me. She dropped another interesting 'bomb' last night. More of a thought than an action. I just listened and tried to tell her 'hey, you're spending a lot of time trying to understand yourself through the external. Focus inward. Allow yourself to organically develop'. She's a thinker. I guess that was too esoteric so she just straight up said 'how does 'that' make you feel?'. I told her its her life. How does it make YOU feel? Testing testing.

The trip to Cali was supposed to be my 'break'. Taking care of parents with dementia, while demanding, can actually be easier than my daughter. But because she was melting down, and both my brothers were crazy and at each other's throats, it was not the mental break I had hoped for. Her father is taking her to Washington to look at schools on Oct. I'll have 3 days to myself! And she'll be with him so there is little trouble she can get in. Yay.

Thanks for your support.

entropy1964

Thanks Dropsie. I was NOT a difficult child. And really, neither is my daughter...not in the sense that she really understands what she's doing. But she's doing IT none the less And we have had counseling together. And I have offered to her, and the counselor she just started with (She went on Tues and I spoke with the counselor Wed) to do sessions together if my daughter wants to. My daughter doesn't really 'like' this counselor because she is too 'slow'. I told her to see her a few more times then decide. I think my kid will run circles around her. Its tough to find a good therapist. Anyway, yes. And I agree with you. I told the counselor that I hope my kid can process her anger and direct it where it belongs...at me, not at herself.

Obladi

I took my daughter to counseling when she was 13 and she totally gamed the thing. Offered again to go with her when she was 17 and 18. She wouldn't go because she was convinced I would make her out to be the bad guy.

I did end up showing her the door earlier this year at 19 because I couldn't live with the hostility any longer.

My fault?
No doubt.
But there comes a time...

Obladi

I also apologized to my mother for being difficult and she said, "but you weren't! "

2ndhandrose

O, Dropsie, and Frick,

For what it is worth, I had a very tumultuous teenage-hood and well beyond.

I look back on the way I treated my dearly beloved and, long since departed, mother and feel so much regret.

I have forgiven myself, for the most part, and she did, too, as my mother and I were very close for the last several years of her life.

But, I was such a self-absorbed, know-it-all, teenager and young adult. It still makes me roll my eyes at my younger self's behaviour.

I feel for you all!

I am childless by choice, so my behaviour did not get foisted on me by a mini me.

Obladi

Cow

How do you propose to get out of the grooves?

Cow

I try to explain Bunny. For instance, ginger tea running around my coffee track. It only little bit stimulating, but still it become less potent massage of coffee addict groove in that I get hyper focus on it like I do around the coffee. I has little treat with it. I save favorite TV programming to watch while I consume it. It become highlight of the day. Day is sad when it over. Look forward to next day to do it again. Escalate it strength and use. I plan around my tea time, cuz I not wish to disrupt this ritual.

So what, it just tea? But it dangerous for me and keep addiction track activated. I also doing this with other food and beverage, so that it occur every couple hour and take up almost entire day. Like I only getting through days cuz I partaking in such ritual or looking forward to next ritual.

O, not sure what to do for this fixation, but I has to stop using food/drink as way to entertain, soothe, check out, cope, pass time, etc.