Big Life Changes Support Group Part 3
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Yeah, I know. 
And I'm not innocent in this. No one is. In the past, I have reacted to him, especially when I was just getting sober and still struggling with PAWS (which I don't seem to be doing any matter at all, thank god).
He has plenty of "well, you did this, remember" and "you DO this" even though I don't anymore.
It seems pretty hopeless.
And I'm not innocent in this. No one is. In the past, I have reacted to him, especially when I was just getting sober and still struggling with PAWS (which I don't seem to be doing any matter at all, thank god).
He has plenty of "well, you did this, remember" and "you DO this" even though I don't anymore.
It seems pretty hopeless.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
What's sad is I'll have to walk away from this guy who is going to struggle with a hoarding issue and these extremely fearful and anxious ways of experiencing the world, knowing that most people aren't going to care enough or have patience enough to put up with this to get him help.
And I have never before thought of myself as a particularly patient person, or someone willing to risk too much caring for another, after having been deeply hurt by my own family the way I was. I opened up and allowed this guy into my life. I don't do that much.
And maybe I did this because he didn't seem to pose much of a threat at first. Now that I'm healthy and sober, his benign qualities seem to have evaporated and left these uglier ones.
It doesn't matter anymore why we married. The fact remains it's abusive. I can no longer tolerate this. After some point in time, I was willing to never have any emotional intimacy but pragmatically, he is sabotaging my efforts to change and develop my career.
And I have never before thought of myself as a particularly patient person, or someone willing to risk too much caring for another, after having been deeply hurt by my own family the way I was. I opened up and allowed this guy into my life. I don't do that much.
And maybe I did this because he didn't seem to pose much of a threat at first. Now that I'm healthy and sober, his benign qualities seem to have evaporated and left these uglier ones.
It doesn't matter anymore why we married. The fact remains it's abusive. I can no longer tolerate this. After some point in time, I was willing to never have any emotional intimacy but pragmatically, he is sabotaging my efforts to change and develop my career.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Jennie, I think you are seeing things very clearly now. Of course, you have feelings for your husband and concerns about whether or not he will be able to manage his life. But, your last sentence says it all. He is not 'just' being unsupportive, he is hindering your efforts to grow, change and develop your career.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
This is going to sound ... odd, but I am devastated for the dogs.
We also have this parrot character we created together. I will miss the parrot. I know that sounds absolutely juvenile, but it's something we made together and it became a real thing in our lives, comic relief or whatever.
We also have this parrot character we created together. I will miss the parrot. I know that sounds absolutely juvenile, but it's something we made together and it became a real thing in our lives, comic relief or whatever.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Soberpotamus 
What's sad is I'll have to walk away from this guy who is going to struggle with a hoarding issue and these extremely fearful and anxious ways of experiencing the world, knowing that most people aren't going to care enough or have patience enough to put up with this to get him help.
"Stapling your mouth shut," even though it may just seem to be a metaphor, is both very personal and extremely violent. And, it was he who chose those words, which means to me that this is not the first he's thought about it.
There are few things more dangerous than an emotionally unstable man when he knows that he's got nothing left to lose.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,204
I'm truly sorry that it has come to this Jen but it does seem apparent that the two of you are no longer compatible, you were once but you are not now, it happens. You are probably a lot more self aware than when you were drinking and where once his hoarding for example may have seemed mildly eccentric and endearing, it is now a serious problem. The coming home several times a day also strikes me as intimidatory
You are still young, if you hold your nerve things could turn out really well for you
You are still young, if you hold your nerve things could turn out really well for you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi there,
I've just read through the last few pages of your thread and am very sorry about the difficulties in your marriage. I have never experienced anything similar so prefer not to comment on it...
What I have dealt with a lot, however, is therapy/therapist choices, management and the finances around it... I believe you are familiar with the out-of-network benefits of your insurance plan. I have always seen therapists in private practice and used my insurance's out-of-network benefits to get reimbursed. As EndGame described in part, many therapists opt not to be part of insurance networks, not only because it's a hassle to deal with all the administrative issues, but also because often they can charge more (and receive payment more quickly) out of pocket from clients who are willing to do do this vs the money they would get through insurance companies. It also means that often therapists who are not part of insurance network will accept new/more patients more readily because they don't need to designate a great deal of time dealing with administration.
You need to know your plan's out-of-network benefits though and ask what maximum cutoff per procedure they might have. I have always and only seen therapists that way and never really regretted. Depending on insurance co, reimbursement may take between a couple months and a couple weeks. If you are planning to take this route, it is useful to discuss with the prospective therapist a fee you would mutually agree upon and then call the insurance co to see what the rate of reimbursement is for that particular procedure. Also, many out-of-network therapists offer free first phone or in-person consultation so you can try out quite a few and get initial impressions.
Many out-of-network therapists offer a sliding scale and no need to provide any documentation why you are requesting it, just a discussion. Of course they will always try to start with a higher-end fee (who would not, it is their business) but in my experience, I have always managed to negotiate a mutually acceptable fee and without push or manipulation. They want to get patients and often are excited by prospective clients that intrigue them even if they won't bring the highest fee ever. You know, just like any one of us might get excited by an interesting work challenge.
Finally, given that you seem to be getting a lot out of discussing your challenges here on SR... there is online therapy, although I guess that is more for individual use. I will PM you a link.
Again, I hope you two get to a workable solution!
I've just read through the last few pages of your thread and am very sorry about the difficulties in your marriage. I have never experienced anything similar so prefer not to comment on it...
What I have dealt with a lot, however, is therapy/therapist choices, management and the finances around it... I believe you are familiar with the out-of-network benefits of your insurance plan. I have always seen therapists in private practice and used my insurance's out-of-network benefits to get reimbursed. As EndGame described in part, many therapists opt not to be part of insurance networks, not only because it's a hassle to deal with all the administrative issues, but also because often they can charge more (and receive payment more quickly) out of pocket from clients who are willing to do do this vs the money they would get through insurance companies. It also means that often therapists who are not part of insurance network will accept new/more patients more readily because they don't need to designate a great deal of time dealing with administration.
You need to know your plan's out-of-network benefits though and ask what maximum cutoff per procedure they might have. I have always and only seen therapists that way and never really regretted. Depending on insurance co, reimbursement may take between a couple months and a couple weeks. If you are planning to take this route, it is useful to discuss with the prospective therapist a fee you would mutually agree upon and then call the insurance co to see what the rate of reimbursement is for that particular procedure. Also, many out-of-network therapists offer free first phone or in-person consultation so you can try out quite a few and get initial impressions.
Many out-of-network therapists offer a sliding scale and no need to provide any documentation why you are requesting it, just a discussion. Of course they will always try to start with a higher-end fee (who would not, it is their business) but in my experience, I have always managed to negotiate a mutually acceptable fee and without push or manipulation. They want to get patients and often are excited by prospective clients that intrigue them even if they won't bring the highest fee ever. You know, just like any one of us might get excited by an interesting work challenge.
Finally, given that you seem to be getting a lot out of discussing your challenges here on SR... there is online therapy, although I guess that is more for individual use. I will PM you a link.
Again, I hope you two get to a workable solution!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I am not looking for a therapist for myself, but thanks anyway.
He is unwilling to go to marriage counseling, so that is my cue that it is over. The information you gave is quite detailed and lengthy, so for that, I will say thanks. It is also unnecessary at this point.
He is unwilling to go to marriage counseling, so that is my cue that it is over. The information you gave is quite detailed and lengthy, so for that, I will say thanks. It is also unnecessary at this point.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,509
I know this is weighing very heavily on you love; of course it is. Please try to be kind to you....more ice cream sandwiches and cuddles with the dogs and maybe a walk if it's not too warm.
Do you have any books you love as audio books? A calming walk with a lovely soothing voice in your ears telling you a story....
Whatever you do this evening, please know I am thinking of you. ♥
Do you have any books you love as audio books? A calming walk with a lovely soothing voice in your ears telling you a story....
Whatever you do this evening, please know I am thinking of you.
♥
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I'm pretty much pushing myself forward. Wasn't a great night for me last night. I'm better today.
I did get out, yeah. I am going back through all the modules I completed in the proofreading course before the surgery, refreshing my memory before plowing through the real work in module five. Module five consists of thousands of pages of practice transcripts (real ones, but for our practice), marking them up on iPad. It will take a while. And when I get into that one I'm sure I'll disappear for a little while. There'll be an exam waiting on the other side. I'll pass that, and finish out the rest of the course and take a final.
Right now I'm about to go finish digging a hole I started yesterday for a mahonia plant.
I did get out, yeah. I am going back through all the modules I completed in the proofreading course before the surgery, refreshing my memory before plowing through the real work in module five. Module five consists of thousands of pages of practice transcripts (real ones, but for our practice), marking them up on iPad. It will take a while. And when I get into that one I'm sure I'll disappear for a little while. There'll be an exam waiting on the other side. I'll pass that, and finish out the rest of the course and take a final.
Right now I'm about to go finish digging a hole I started yesterday for a mahonia plant.
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