Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XVII: "Sober Wars"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I am proud of you for pouring the rest out Cow 
That is not easy to do, I can recall from pouring out my beautiful beer (poison) a few times.
So baby steps. Just would you try and stay with us and not go any farther for today... maybe... please?
xo
That is not easy to do, I can recall from pouring out my beautiful beer (poison) a few times.
So baby steps. Just would you try and stay with us and not go any farther for today... maybe... please?
xo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Whoahh...talk about serendipitous!! Doesn't get much 'signier' than that! Good on you, Cow......and Sleepie. This is what friends are for :-)
Courage, I meant to say earlier....no, I don't have any live help, although I would love it. Trouble is that all we have here is AA. I went once, and it's really not my cup of tea at all. Too churchy and regimented for me. I have looked thoroughly for some kind of small gathering - you would think there would be one. We do have 1.5 million people living in this city, but no, nada. I think I will just have to use SR a lot more honestly than I ended up doing late last year. If I fall, or feel really tempted, I'm going to say so. Otherwise, my posting here is silly. I mean, like Cow says, it's fun and we have a few laughs and genuinely feel fond of each other, but I feel that has to take a back seat to the sobriety stuff.
Courage, I meant to say earlier....no, I don't have any live help, although I would love it. Trouble is that all we have here is AA. I went once, and it's really not my cup of tea at all. Too churchy and regimented for me. I have looked thoroughly for some kind of small gathering - you would think there would be one. We do have 1.5 million people living in this city, but no, nada. I think I will just have to use SR a lot more honestly than I ended up doing late last year. If I fall, or feel really tempted, I'm going to say so. Otherwise, my posting here is silly. I mean, like Cow says, it's fun and we have a few laughs and genuinely feel fond of each other, but I feel that has to take a back seat to the sobriety stuff.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Sleepies, I gonna watch Rudolf Nureyev movie with ballet neighbor when he get home tonight, but other than that, I be close by. I already decide I NOT leaving house tomorrow. For any reason. I not need anything, so is no need to, and any leaving will be total suspicious. I really want to sit, however untenable it get, with my deep deluded desire for morning coffee.
Shabs, I hate AA too. Although I not mind Free-Thinking (atheist/agnostic) women's group I go to. Is you have any define group like that? Is you see personal therapist? We will try to be better small gathering for you. I total agree that we has become little bit Chatty Kathy with the light topics. But we all come here to get and/or stay sober, and is time to get nitty gritty, honest, and hold each other accountable.
I feel I has been pretty damn brutal honest during my time on SR, but, has I made progress? Not as I thought I would. Not as I would like. I know is still deeper well that keeping me sick. It not enough just to spills my guts. I mean, I sure that very important step. But then, you not just wallow in you guts for year on end. You has to start moving. My self, I so frozen. Jesus God, my house look like mausoleum. I total need better "program" as Bunny say, even if it one I make up for my self.
Shabs, I hate AA too. Although I not mind Free-Thinking (atheist/agnostic) women's group I go to. Is you have any define group like that? Is you see personal therapist? We will try to be better small gathering for you. I total agree that we has become little bit Chatty Kathy with the light topics. But we all come here to get and/or stay sober, and is time to get nitty gritty, honest, and hold each other accountable.
I feel I has been pretty damn brutal honest during my time on SR, but, has I made progress? Not as I thought I would. Not as I would like. I know is still deeper well that keeping me sick. It not enough just to spills my guts. I mean, I sure that very important step. But then, you not just wallow in you guts for year on end. You has to start moving. My self, I so frozen. Jesus God, my house look like mausoleum. I total need better "program" as Bunny say, even if it one I make up for my self.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
That sounds good Cow.
I don't want to leave. I have an interview tomorrow though. It's only a local part timer thing... but I was in tears earlier at the thought of yet another crash and burn scenario, which happens quicker each time now. And I am just pained at the thought of dealing with people... smiling.
Sigh.
If you made progress it's better than no progress. I posted earlier about the broken way I finally made it to this point. I can only think my small periods of abstinence helped me get there, if only to break the "all or nothing" mentality. If it was a slip and not a do-over Day one thing where I discounted my sober time, I could just go on my way. Otherwise I was stuck in the "Oh well, I already drank so I'll just keep going and quit next Monday" kind of rut.
I had to just keep it simple and just pure grit not drink and not benzo. I guess eventually it added up.
I don't want to leave. I have an interview tomorrow though. It's only a local part timer thing... but I was in tears earlier at the thought of yet another crash and burn scenario, which happens quicker each time now. And I am just pained at the thought of dealing with people... smiling.
Sigh.
If you made progress it's better than no progress. I posted earlier about the broken way I finally made it to this point. I can only think my small periods of abstinence helped me get there, if only to break the "all or nothing" mentality. If it was a slip and not a do-over Day one thing where I discounted my sober time, I could just go on my way. Otherwise I was stuck in the "Oh well, I already drank so I'll just keep going and quit next Monday" kind of rut.
I had to just keep it simple and just pure grit not drink and not benzo. I guess eventually it added up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,455
The program for me has been action-oriented.
I found I was thinking about stuff too much so I started doing more.
All the yoga, gym, and hiking stuff was to get something
habituated into the body besides booze and angst.
I think I just sometimes lose myself in the physical activity
especially the yoga--it just becomes the mat and the teacher's voice
and me finally paying attention to all the coiled knots of pain in my gut
which I usually would drown in alcohol.
You seem to really connect riding the dirt bike at the cabin.
Also I notice you keep your dodge ball appointment pretty regularly.
Things like that should surely be a big focus in your program.
Seems obvious, but filling the time so you don't have big flat lapses
to be tempted to drink works pretty well too for me.
That's why I started playing guitar when I first quit and taking the voice lessons this year.
It takes time to practice, and I'm not thinking about me or my addiction
when I'm doing that stuff.
What do you think?
I found I was thinking about stuff too much so I started doing more.
All the yoga, gym, and hiking stuff was to get something
habituated into the body besides booze and angst.
I think I just sometimes lose myself in the physical activity
especially the yoga--it just becomes the mat and the teacher's voice
and me finally paying attention to all the coiled knots of pain in my gut
which I usually would drown in alcohol.
You seem to really connect riding the dirt bike at the cabin.
Also I notice you keep your dodge ball appointment pretty regularly.
Things like that should surely be a big focus in your program.
Seems obvious, but filling the time so you don't have big flat lapses
to be tempted to drink works pretty well too for me.
That's why I started playing guitar when I first quit and taking the voice lessons this year.
It takes time to practice, and I'm not thinking about me or my addiction
when I'm doing that stuff.
What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Unfortunately, no, we don't have any groups like that, and I've looked really hard for one. So yes, I have found myself a really good therapist. Blimmin' expensive, but I'd rather pay through the nose for a good one than get nowhere with someone mediocre. He is psychodynamic in his orientation which I prefer.
You have been brutally honest and I really admire that. I feel excited for all of us - we got this, as the young ones like to say. You guys who have months and years of sobriety under your belts are an inspiration.
P.S. Anyone who is considering watching 'The Returned' on Netflix - don't bother. It was a complete waste of 10 hours.
You have been brutally honest and I really admire that. I feel excited for all of us - we got this, as the young ones like to say. You guys who have months and years of sobriety under your belts are an inspiration.
P.S. Anyone who is considering watching 'The Returned' on Netflix - don't bother. It was a complete waste of 10 hours.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
it is nice to be absorbed in an activity isn't it Hawk?
I keep it light so I don't get discouraged, but interesting enough not to be bored. What a balancing act. Well it's no secret that drawing Cow cartoons is a bit of a past time lately.
That kind of thing.
LOL Shab that's bf's late night thing to watch. He loves The Returned.
I am happy with "Skins". Teen drama, pretty silly fare but easy for my distracted nature.
I keep it light so I don't get discouraged, but interesting enough not to be bored. What a balancing act. Well it's no secret that drawing Cow cartoons is a bit of a past time lately.
That kind of thing.
LOL Shab that's bf's late night thing to watch. He loves The Returned.
I am happy with "Skins". Teen drama, pretty silly fare but easy for my distracted nature.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,455
I feel excited too in that I'm entering new ground. . .
I'm not drinking again, and feels so strange to me to even write that down
I know I haven't been in this place mentally before.
To paraphrase Frodo
Ready to cast the ring / bottle into the fires of Mt. Doom
"Here, at the end of all things, I'm glad to have you with me"
G'night all. . .
I'm not drinking again, and feels so strange to me to even write that down
I know I haven't been in this place mentally before.
To paraphrase Frodo
Ready to cast the ring / bottle into the fires of Mt. Doom
"Here, at the end of all things, I'm glad to have you with me"
G'night all. . .
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hawk, you right about me and the physical active things. And sadly, last couple year, I just let more and more of them go. Tennis. Hiking. And last year even p*ssing away my dirtbike riding and wallyball. And even walking! I just let it all fall away as I sink like stone into stagnant pool of intertia, depressions, anhedonia, addiction. I saw it happening, but was like watching someone drown from the shore. I not have nearly enough strength to even try to swim out to save me.
So now, I does my 20 minute sun walk every day. I starting there. I get on trampoline when I can. Is like baby step all over again. I very out of shape. Fat. Weak. But, like person who wake up from coma, you has to start small and work back up. I feel bad, I let so much go. Some of it was health issue and menopause, but by far, most of it was surrendering to my substances.
Sleepies, you drawings has impacted me. So I glad it a mutual boost.
We has all made steps. And I not can speak for everybody, but I know is part of me clinging to my peg leg who just want to dissolve into addiction's cozy inertia and not has to fight for something different and ... ... more.
But, I must somewhere still has some fight, cuz I wanna fight.
So now, I does my 20 minute sun walk every day. I starting there. I get on trampoline when I can. Is like baby step all over again. I very out of shape. Fat. Weak. But, like person who wake up from coma, you has to start small and work back up. I feel bad, I let so much go. Some of it was health issue and menopause, but by far, most of it was surrendering to my substances.
Sleepies, you drawings has impacted me. So I glad it a mutual boost.
We has all made steps. And I not can speak for everybody, but I know is part of me clinging to my peg leg who just want to dissolve into addiction's cozy inertia and not has to fight for something different and ... ... more.
But, I must somewhere still has some fight, cuz I wanna fight.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
NO! I never join you!!! I does think the universe is interactive, Sleepies, cuz that just physics: from Newton 3rd Law to Schrödinger's Cat. But I never gonna get down with the star signs!
... Although, is said the Turtle Sign keep lot inside they shell, and is no very verbal. Hmm. ...
... Although, is said the Turtle Sign keep lot inside they shell, and is no very verbal. Hmm. ...
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi SR! I misses you, and you unique intelligent but damaged perspective.
Shabs, I not watch video yet, but I adores Steve Fry. And plus also "hello possums" remind me immediate of Dame Edna whom I has met and we had hilarious exchange. S/HE THE BEST!
Shabs, I not watch video yet, but I adores Steve Fry. And plus also "hello possums" remind me immediate of Dame Edna whom I has met and we had hilarious exchange. S/HE THE BEST!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
I adore Stephen Fry too. Wow - Barry Humphries!! Apparently, you can get those GPS satellite tracking device thingmebobs in Dame Edna's voice. After our last trip to Oz I thought I must get some gladioli for the garden :-)
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