Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XVII: "Sober Wars"
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Cou, the "naked horror" isn't memories. It was me. It IS me.
I have the luck of having great memory. Booze didn't take that. Except for blackouts, I remember EVERYTHING. All that I did, all I was, everyone I abused.
I WAS the horror.
I have the luck of having great memory. Booze didn't take that. Except for blackouts, I remember EVERYTHING. All that I did, all I was, everyone I abused.
I WAS the horror.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Originally Posted by trachemys 
Cou, the "naked horror" isn't memories. It was me. It IS me.
Hawkeye, I like your plan -- and especially that you're putting it into daily action!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Great stuff, Hawk, all of it, and I particularly like the last line.
My pattern is strikingly similar to yours. I have to be resolute or I'm insecure. One little crack and the flood gates open.
You know one thing I've noticed is that when I'm deluding myself with the idea of moderation my whole life becomes kind of dull. The escape that I gain during the few hours a week that I'm drunk spills over and my entire existence becomes one of denial. It's vacuous and not satisfying at all. Life may not be easy sober, but at least it is life.
My pattern is strikingly similar to yours. I have to be resolute or I'm insecure. One little crack and the flood gates open.
You know one thing I've noticed is that when I'm deluding myself with the idea of moderation my whole life becomes kind of dull. The escape that I gain during the few hours a week that I'm drunk spills over and my entire existence becomes one of denial. It's vacuous and not satisfying at all. Life may not be easy sober, but at least it is life.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I never was under any delusions that I not an addict, or that I could moderate.
I not think I was ever a "horror," in that most damage I did was to self. But the utter abject waste of life, self, possibilities, potentials, and "what could has been" that makes up my entire life thus far --that is total "horror" and extremely difficult and painful for me to sit with. My therapist thinks is not productive for me to examine this too much. Is like picking at a wound that can maybe still kills me and only send me to despairing. Maybe later, if I get in better place, I can more come to term with it.
Okay, I adding to my "program" to post here in AM before any attempt to caffeinate. God helps you all.
I not think I was ever a "horror," in that most damage I did was to self. But the utter abject waste of life, self, possibilities, potentials, and "what could has been" that makes up my entire life thus far --that is total "horror" and extremely difficult and painful for me to sit with. My therapist thinks is not productive for me to examine this too much. Is like picking at a wound that can maybe still kills me and only send me to despairing. Maybe later, if I get in better place, I can more come to term with it.
Okay, I adding to my "program" to post here in AM before any attempt to caffeinate. God helps you all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 959
Dear Cow, your thread has given me some cheer today when the damp chill had me feeling down, anxious and lonely.
I also have the horror of a couple decades of wasted life and potential hiding behind the attic door.
Better to just leave it there and focus on other things happening now (although I do sometimes enjoy the occasional bout of regret and despair).
I also have the horror of a couple decades of wasted life and potential hiding behind the attic door.
Better to just leave it there and focus on other things happening now (although I do sometimes enjoy the occasional bout of regret and despair).
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by Tooshabby
Thanks Sleeps. One thing I'm going to do tomorrow - something I always intended doing but never did - is write out a list of the reasons why drinking is a very bad idea (e.g. being a bad role model for my son, being a drunken pain as a partner, doing more damage to my liver and self-esteem, the expense etc....). There are plenty of them. Whenever I feel tempted to drink I'm going to force myself to read it.
I'm going to read the resources on this site thoroughly which I haven't done yet. Even if most of them aren't helpful, I'm sure there will be some material that will be of use. Maybe the AVRT stuff. I need to use this site better generally, and be honest about how I'm doing. Try to get fit and eat more healthily. I've really let myself go on that front....eating lots of crap. Cheese, chips, and burgers. All the good stuff :-/ I'm guessing I've put on half a stone over Christmas/New Years. I'm not that big but I'm one of those people who really doesn't suit carrying extra weight. I know nobody enjoys it, but some people carry it better than others, I think, and I'm not one of those lucky tykes.
So yeah, just have to take this seriously again and maintain it rather than let things slide down that slippery slope. Btw...I'm proud of how well you have done quitting the booze *and* benzos. I really mean that. I hope you are proud of yourself xxx
I'm going to read the resources on this site thoroughly which I haven't done yet. Even if most of them aren't helpful, I'm sure there will be some material that will be of use. Maybe the AVRT stuff. I need to use this site better generally, and be honest about how I'm doing. Try to get fit and eat more healthily. I've really let myself go on that front....eating lots of crap. Cheese, chips, and burgers. All the good stuff :-/ I'm guessing I've put on half a stone over Christmas/New Years. I'm not that big but I'm one of those people who really doesn't suit carrying extra weight. I know nobody enjoys it, but some people carry it better than others, I think, and I'm not one of those lucky tykes.
So yeah, just have to take this seriously again and maintain it rather than let things slide down that slippery slope. Btw...I'm proud of how well you have done quitting the booze *and* benzos. I really mean that. I hope you are proud of yourself xxx
Sorry to hear about the drinking. I'll PM you some tools/strategies I'm using that I hope are useful to you. Don't wanna hijack the thread.
Delfin
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by Delfin
Hi Shabby,
Sorry to hear about the drinking. I'll PM you some tools/strategies I'm using that I hope are useful to you. Don't wanna hijack the thread.
Delfin
Sorry to hear about the drinking. I'll PM you some tools/strategies I'm using that I hope are useful to you. Don't wanna hijack the thread.
Delfin
Delfin - boy are you showing how green you are! It is not possible to hijack a Cow thread. Right Cow?
Please do tell about your tools and strategies. Sometimes it is nice to take a break from talking about football and okra....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Thanks again, Delfin. That was so sweet of you. I'm feeling newly determined this year. I would rather feel the angst, boredom, anxiety, sadness....anything other than the malaise and self-loathing I feel after drinking.
Well, I was dragged off to see The Force Awakens last night or whatever it's called. Luckily, I fell asleep :-)
Keep us posted on how you are doing, Cow xx
Well, I was dragged off to see The Force Awakens last night or whatever it's called. Luckily, I fell asleep :-)
Keep us posted on how you are doing, Cow xx
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by walkbeformakrun
Delfin - boy are you showing how green you are! It is not possible to hijack a Cow thread. Right Cow?
Please do tell about your tools and strategies. Sometimes it is nice to take a break from talking about football and okra....
But since you asked, here's what I shared with TS:
SMART RecoveryŽ - Tool Chest and Homework
The CBA (Cost-Benefit Analysis) is kind of like the list Shabby was talking about, and there's one with related questions. I got my start on sobriety by using Smart Recovery tools. I like doing things on my own but with some concrete guidance to get me going, so the approach appealed to me. I also have a lot of experience with the crazy train. That's mostly how I drank.
Hope this helps someone. I've only got 5 1/2 months of sobriety myself, so I'm no expert though.
D.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
... ... what? Yeah, okay. But it not start out this way. I wake up with resolve! I stay in bed extra 30 minute to meditates and set intentions for the day. Then I go to store that specific not have coffee bar to get my produce. Then, on way home ...I get coffee! WTF?!
Then when I get home, is package on doorstep. Is from Sleepies. It must has been deliver to wrong address previous and somebody come and put at my door. I know inside this packet is the illustration of Cow with the Devil coffees. Come on. If that not a SIGN to stop right now and re-think, what is?! ... ... So, I not open it! I drink some of the coffees. Maybe 4 ounce and after very brief lift already start to feel deep free-floating dystopia about everything. I throw rest of coffee out.
Later I open package and view the wonderful drawings from Sleepies, plus she include lovely note. I felt unworthy, until I decide she never would wish me to feel this way. I frame picture of the Devil Coffees and put on inside of front door. I not sure if day was success or failure. I not sure in what split second I end up on crazy train. I only sure, I want off.
Good on you, Delf!
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