Alcohol is the only way for me.
Adjusting my Sails
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Alcohol is the only way for me.
I have watched myself slowly sinking back here.
I have made some token efforts to find a life worth staying sober for but there is something inside my head that is never content. Goals met seem to just be dissapointments, pointless efforts that keep me busy for a time, nothing more.
As my mind has once again started racing I have lost the ability to get much sleep. I know without sleep I get run down and anything resembling a defense let alone a purpose are gone. I find myself hating everybody and everything.
I don't understand wether it is panic attacks or heart problems anymore. I was told irregualar heart beats were found both times I spent the night at the sleep institute but I also have a history of sever panic attacks paricularly when I my body is rund down. Yesterday I went all day without eating, when I finally did eat my bodies reaction was severe. I almost whent to ER, I can't afford that anymore and am tired of hopitals.
It appears to me today I waited to long to stop drinking. From age 13 to 45 drinking is my life. The damage is done and I don't even know what it is. What I do know is I have no desire to feel this way anymore. My chest is pounding, I'm dizzy, nautious and I know what will make it go away.
There are worse things in life then drinking away the pain. It really is an option worth looking at and at this point it is the best one available. I made another Dr. appointment but that won't happen until next Tuesday and after a year of going to him for answers I don't know what another appointment will accpomplish. I have spent another day trying to sleep with very little success and I'm now about to get ready and head off to work for my 12 hour shift from 6pm to 6am.
I expect to be at the liquor store waiting for them to open tomorrow. I had some good days in my 402 days of sobriety but my head and my body now want the only answer that has ever been for me.
This is simply life for some of us. I look forward to oblivion and the sweet surrender of death.
I have made some token efforts to find a life worth staying sober for but there is something inside my head that is never content. Goals met seem to just be dissapointments, pointless efforts that keep me busy for a time, nothing more.
As my mind has once again started racing I have lost the ability to get much sleep. I know without sleep I get run down and anything resembling a defense let alone a purpose are gone. I find myself hating everybody and everything.
I don't understand wether it is panic attacks or heart problems anymore. I was told irregualar heart beats were found both times I spent the night at the sleep institute but I also have a history of sever panic attacks paricularly when I my body is rund down. Yesterday I went all day without eating, when I finally did eat my bodies reaction was severe. I almost whent to ER, I can't afford that anymore and am tired of hopitals.
It appears to me today I waited to long to stop drinking. From age 13 to 45 drinking is my life. The damage is done and I don't even know what it is. What I do know is I have no desire to feel this way anymore. My chest is pounding, I'm dizzy, nautious and I know what will make it go away.
There are worse things in life then drinking away the pain. It really is an option worth looking at and at this point it is the best one available. I made another Dr. appointment but that won't happen until next Tuesday and after a year of going to him for answers I don't know what another appointment will accpomplish. I have spent another day trying to sleep with very little success and I'm now about to get ready and head off to work for my 12 hour shift from 6pm to 6am.
I expect to be at the liquor store waiting for them to open tomorrow. I had some good days in my 402 days of sobriety but my head and my body now want the only answer that has ever been for me.
This is simply life for some of us. I look forward to oblivion and the sweet surrender of death.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I don't know what else to say but...go back and read your earliest posts Dean.
Alcohol is no solution.
You seem to have a lot going on - sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, despair - alcohol will ultimately only exacerbate these. That's a no-brainer.
Get some help. Tomorrow don't go to the liquor store. Find a dr. any dr.
Talk to some AA buddies.
D
Alcohol is no solution.
You seem to have a lot going on - sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, despair - alcohol will ultimately only exacerbate these. That's a no-brainer.
Get some help. Tomorrow don't go to the liquor store. Find a dr. any dr.
Talk to some AA buddies.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
hi and im sorry your having a hard time...
I cant stop you drinking........i only wished i could.
I can suggest some things that were suggested to me.
Bear in mind im a AA member...
Try to remember your last drunk...or the end of it..
Phone and meet your sponsor...asap.....if not phone the aa help line and ask for a 12 stepper to call you.
Do something for someone else.......
Get to a meeting and share what going on.
Remember that your drinking is likely to be worst this time.
I know where your at.......believe me ive been there.
I aint gonna dress it up.....sometimes is bloody hard...
You CAN get through this.........try some of the above...it helped me.
God be with you..................trucker
I cant stop you drinking........i only wished i could.
I can suggest some things that were suggested to me.
Bear in mind im a AA member...
Try to remember your last drunk...or the end of it..
Phone and meet your sponsor...asap.....if not phone the aa help line and ask for a 12 stepper to call you.
Do something for someone else.......
Get to a meeting and share what going on.
Remember that your drinking is likely to be worst this time.
I know where your at.......believe me ive been there.
I aint gonna dress it up.....sometimes is bloody hard...
You CAN get through this.........try some of the above...it helped me.
God be with you..................trucker
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I do not believe you are constitutionally incapable of being honest with yourself Dean.I have read a lot of your posts.
I hope you go home and try to sleep some instead of grabbing a bottle,or at least say a prayer first
I hope you go home and try to sleep some instead of grabbing a bottle,or at least say a prayer first
lunarlovelunar
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Dean...I cant pretend to know exactly how you feel....but I really hope that you give your life a chance to get started. You gave alcohol a chance for alot of years it sounds like....its only fair to try sobriety for half the time at least. I know it isnt easy, it isnt always pretty...but its real...its honest...its truth....its life.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
(((Dean)))
Keep fightin' the good fight. At least part of you doesn't want to drink, or you wouldn't have posted here. I have a bad habit of waiting way to long to eat, and it can make me feel like I'm gonna lose it too. Alcohol may be good for fueling engines, but it sho ain't good for fuelin' the human body.
Keep fightin' the good fight. At least part of you doesn't want to drink, or you wouldn't have posted here. I have a bad habit of waiting way to long to eat, and it can make me feel like I'm gonna lose it too. Alcohol may be good for fueling engines, but it sho ain't good for fuelin' the human body.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
Do what you need to do. Here's a prediction, if you make it back, the shame and remorse you feel will be unbearable. I hope this isn't the case. My final question, and I only ask because we have corresponded and I know you have a spiritual life. Where is GOD in all of this?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
I used to believe that I was one of those unfortunates that couldn't be honest.
But my sponsor told me that if I can admit that I can't be honest, I'm being honest.
I don't think you are any different than me, Dean. I've read your posts as well. PM me if I can be useful. And if you need a contact in Salt Lake, I have AA family there.
Jim
But my sponsor told me that if I can admit that I can't be honest, I'm being honest.
I don't think you are any different than me, Dean. I've read your posts as well. PM me if I can be useful. And if you need a contact in Salt Lake, I have AA family there.
Jim
I hope you come back with good news......
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
Like your signature line says:
"you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free"
Maybe drinking some more will reveal your truth to you. I hope it doesn't kill you in the process. Like others have said, feel free to PM me if you feel like talking.
"you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free"
Maybe drinking some more will reveal your truth to you. I hope it doesn't kill you in the process. Like others have said, feel free to PM me if you feel like talking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Dean,
I'm sorry that you chose the bottle. I remember my last relapse. I heard that train coming long before I saw it. I was in such tremendous emotional pain, I just didn't want to face it anymore. I made it back, thank God.
I found one of your posts - from 5 weeks ago. This is your reply to someone who was reaching out for help, here at SR:
"The buzz effect is always going to be there if you want it. You can't do anything to change that it's just the way it is. What you want to do is focus on what will change and what you can do something about. The way you feel the next day will change. From years of drinking experience I can tell you it will change for the worse. The way you feel the next day now is as good as it is going to get.
You can continue to allow the next day which is your life to get worse or you can change if for the better. 100% abstinence is the way to a happy life for you. To spend time thinking about anything else is a waste of time. You know the buzz is only temporary at some point you will always wake up feeling lousy and that will never change until you give up on the temporary solution of escaping in alcohol. Life is about more then temporary buzz or fixes in fact when you are drunk you really aren't living life. As you said you are escaping life. I understand escaping life because I did it for most of mine but I am now finding in early sobriety that life has much more to offer then living in a drunk and that buzz that I'm in is purely a selfish all about me place. Eventually it isolates us from being a part of life.
SR helped me get through those tough early days too. AA helped just like SR but even more because I got to be face to face with people as friendly and supportive as people here.
Glad your reaching out for help."
I'm sorry that you chose the bottle. I remember my last relapse. I heard that train coming long before I saw it. I was in such tremendous emotional pain, I just didn't want to face it anymore. I made it back, thank God.
I found one of your posts - from 5 weeks ago. This is your reply to someone who was reaching out for help, here at SR:
"The buzz effect is always going to be there if you want it. You can't do anything to change that it's just the way it is. What you want to do is focus on what will change and what you can do something about. The way you feel the next day will change. From years of drinking experience I can tell you it will change for the worse. The way you feel the next day now is as good as it is going to get.
You can continue to allow the next day which is your life to get worse or you can change if for the better. 100% abstinence is the way to a happy life for you. To spend time thinking about anything else is a waste of time. You know the buzz is only temporary at some point you will always wake up feeling lousy and that will never change until you give up on the temporary solution of escaping in alcohol. Life is about more then temporary buzz or fixes in fact when you are drunk you really aren't living life. As you said you are escaping life. I understand escaping life because I did it for most of mine but I am now finding in early sobriety that life has much more to offer then living in a drunk and that buzz that I'm in is purely a selfish all about me place. Eventually it isolates us from being a part of life.
SR helped me get through those tough early days too. AA helped just like SR but even more because I got to be face to face with people as friendly and supportive as people here.
Glad your reaching out for help."
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Hi Larry (Dean),
I’ve been wondering how things have been going with you.
You know, we have many things in common. Both in our forties, wife and kids, AA. We have both been sober about the same amount of time (442 days for me).
Since the beginning of December, I have been experienced some serious anxiety attacks. Major issues with my extended family, financial losses, health concerns (“self-diagnosed” – too scared to go to the doctor). I have had days where I was questioning my sanity, the AA program (is it f**king with my mind?), the Creator (is He really there to help me?). It’s been affecting my sleep which of course affects everything else.
It’s not so much about not drinking anymore. It’s about living a good life – at peace & happy. Earlier in my sobriety I had that peace & happiness and that’s where my answer is.
Recently, I started going back to basics. Morning readings (Big Book, Hazelden website) & prayer, daily gratitude, going through the day – one foot in front of the other – be a good husband, dad, and employee, be good to myself, evening readings & prayer. I’m also starting to re-connect with my friends (AA and “normal”). Sometimes it feels like I’m just going through the motions but the improvement in my mental state is undeniable.
Think about those things that worked for you in early sobriety and start doing them again. This will help you get back to that spiritual condition and growth that we need to get through each day, to enjoy life. If you’re anything like me, it won’t happen overnight but have faith – you will get there.
My sincere best wishes,
Don
edit: I wrote this before your post about getting rum and almost changed my mind about posting this. Whatever...the message is still the same regardless of what you choose to do. Stay safe.
I’ve been wondering how things have been going with you.
You know, we have many things in common. Both in our forties, wife and kids, AA. We have both been sober about the same amount of time (442 days for me).
Since the beginning of December, I have been experienced some serious anxiety attacks. Major issues with my extended family, financial losses, health concerns (“self-diagnosed” – too scared to go to the doctor). I have had days where I was questioning my sanity, the AA program (is it f**king with my mind?), the Creator (is He really there to help me?). It’s been affecting my sleep which of course affects everything else.
It’s not so much about not drinking anymore. It’s about living a good life – at peace & happy. Earlier in my sobriety I had that peace & happiness and that’s where my answer is.
Recently, I started going back to basics. Morning readings (Big Book, Hazelden website) & prayer, daily gratitude, going through the day – one foot in front of the other – be a good husband, dad, and employee, be good to myself, evening readings & prayer. I’m also starting to re-connect with my friends (AA and “normal”
). Sometimes it feels like I’m just going through the motions but the improvement in my mental state is undeniable.Think about those things that worked for you in early sobriety and start doing them again. This will help you get back to that spiritual condition and growth that we need to get through each day, to enjoy life. If you’re anything like me, it won’t happen overnight but have faith – you will get there.
My sincere best wishes,
Don
edit: I wrote this before your post about getting rum and almost changed my mind about posting this. Whatever...the message is still the same regardless of what you choose to do. Stay safe.
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
Deany my dearest sweetest friend , you know how many people look up tp ypu for insteration and hope .. all of us to . You know i sure the heck do ... so many of your wise works and expericences have helped me with some really tuff times since being here on SR . We all know the voices and the calls of the addiction , simply hang up that call , And call someone who can help . I wish I was as wise with words as you are . But im teachable and ive learned soooo very very much from you .. I pray you make that call to someone and dump that poisen down the drain .. We love you and we need you Your SR Family member Endzy :praying
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Washington
Posts: 29
I was also at the end of my rope, both physically and mentally. I also suffered from panic attacks which led to increased drinking. Eventually I was drinking more than a fifth a day and not eating a thing. Alcohol was the only thing that quieted my racing mind. It's hard to say how I was able to stop, except to say I had a miracle I didn't deserve. I pray that for you tonight.
Mark
Mark
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