Alcohol is the only way for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Dean,
I don't know you really-but I know what you're doing.
I tried it a few months ago.I thought f*** it-I'm in too much pain, I can't deal-to hell with my hard earned sobriety.And I drank pretty much full on for 3 days.I'm such a wimp really-I was hoping to drink myself to death at the time.(3 days was nothing to me in the old days) I just didn't care anymore.
I couldn't do it though.....I had to stop.I think when we have some sober time under our belt?It becomes a lot harder to go back to that oblivion we hope for.I never found it anyway.I just found more pain, more disillusionment, more despair.And my god was I SICK.Ugh.
Your answer isn't in a bottle-you just WANT it to be.I'm sorry-but those days are gone for you now-just like they are for me.
We have to learn to deal with life as it is-and it's not fun.But we can do it.
I'm guessing here but it sounds like you are clinically depressed and maybe you need to get your meds re evaluated?Just a thought.You don't have to drink yourself to death.You're worth far more.
Sending you some love tonight,
Julesxox
I don't know you really-but I know what you're doing.
I tried it a few months ago.I thought f*** it-I'm in too much pain, I can't deal-to hell with my hard earned sobriety.And I drank pretty much full on for 3 days.I'm such a wimp really-I was hoping to drink myself to death at the time.(3 days was nothing to me in the old days) I just didn't care anymore.
I couldn't do it though.....I had to stop.I think when we have some sober time under our belt?It becomes a lot harder to go back to that oblivion we hope for.I never found it anyway.I just found more pain, more disillusionment, more despair.And my god was I SICK.Ugh.
Your answer isn't in a bottle-you just WANT it to be.I'm sorry-but those days are gone for you now-just like they are for me.
We have to learn to deal with life as it is-and it's not fun.But we can do it.
I'm guessing here but it sounds like you are clinically depressed and maybe you need to get your meds re evaluated?Just a thought.You don't have to drink yourself to death.You're worth far more.
Sending you some love tonight,
Julesxox
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Originally Posted by Jules
Your answer isn't in a bottle-you just WANT it to be.I'm sorry-but those days are gone for you now-just like they are for me.
I try drinking, all it does is make me ill. It is actually easier to be sober in a way....less hard work, less pain. I did say easier...not easy though, recovery is hard but worth it, I hope you remember that soon.
Adjusting my Sails
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
My co-worker didn't show up tonight so I have been really busy. I have had time to read responses to my "call before you drink" thread and I thank you all for taking the time. When I first posted I wanted to get out of what was happening and I was willing to use alcohol to acomplish it. Once I bought the rum however that changed, I imagine it actually changed before that. I realized when I read your responses that I now wanted and intended to get drunk regardless of recent panic attacks. My first thought after I read some of what you wrote was "oh man why did I buy that rum". I haven't had any but.........the game changed.
I'm still sober and that counts for whatever.
In every hand that just reached out to help me. You and I both know that.
I threw this out here because sobriety is an option and this is a place I come for support. You are my support group whether you know it or not.
I'd love to tell you I'm going to throw away all that rum I picked up on the way here.........I'm embarrased to admit how hard that is to do right now. So much for my poop and how sweet it smells.
This is unreal. I haven't had a drink in over 13 months and I'm staring step one in the face all over again. How did this happen?
Thank you for your time, I'll let you know what, whatever once I know whatever.
Thanks everyone.
I'm still sober and that counts for whatever.
Originally Posted by Rob B 
Where is GOD in all of this?
I threw this out here because sobriety is an option and this is a place I come for support. You are my support group whether you know it or not.
I'd love to tell you I'm going to throw away all that rum I picked up on the way here.........I'm embarrased to admit how hard that is to do right now. So much for my poop and how sweet it smells.
This is unreal. I haven't had a drink in over 13 months and I'm staring step one in the face all over again. How did this happen?
Thank you for your time, I'll let you know what, whatever once I know whatever.
Thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 196
Dean,
I went back drinking after a year in AA, it turned that the solution I thought I found in AA was not actually THE solution,
I had to have any lurking notion that I could or presently may be able to drink like other people smashed,
I had to completely surrender and take the action suggested in the BB as it is laid out,
I was just not drinking and doing meetings, what I did not realize was the spiritual malady was kicking my ass right left and centre, soon I fell fowl of the subtle insanity and drank like the book tells me,
I was living in the problem not the solution.
I went back drinking after a year in AA, it turned that the solution I thought I found in AA was not actually THE solution,
I had to have any lurking notion that I could or presently may be able to drink like other people smashed,
I had to completely surrender and take the action suggested in the BB as it is laid out,
I was just not drinking and doing meetings, what I did not realize was the spiritual malady was kicking my ass right left and centre, soon I fell fowl of the subtle insanity and drank like the book tells me,
I was living in the problem not the solution.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Dean I pray that you have prayed about this.
Are you hopeless and doomed? Well this is not to brag at all, but to let you know that you have not reached that point of being hopeless. I started drinking at the age of about 11 and I drank until I was 52, the last 5 years of my drinking were daily and in quanities that really do not matter!
I felt like you do, there was no hope for me, I surrendered to alcohol, I quit fighting it and made the decision I was just going to drink myself silly every night no matter what anyone said or did........ and I proceeded to do just that!
Some time fairly soon after that I had a moment of clarity as I was drinking to celebrate the fact that my wife and kids were leaving me.
That moment of clarity revealed to me my future over the next year if I continued to drink...... What the future held for me was the lose of every material & person in my life leaving me with nothing but my bottle and a slow deaht from drinking!
Death!!!! That is what stared me in my face at 52 years old!!!! Scared the crap out of me and I had no idea what to do.
I saw a doctor and followed his suggestion to go into detox.
In detox they suggested if I wanted a chance to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor, I did just that!
In AA I heard people with long term happy sobriety share that the reason they had stayed sober was by taking the steps and applying the steps in thier everyday lifes and carrying the message to others. They suggested that if I wanted what they had that I do as they did.
I did just that and today I am still happily sober and I pass on the very message that was given to me freely, just as it was so freely passed on to me.
What is that message? The message is that there is a solution that worked for me and thousands upon thousands of others.
What lead me to that message? Me not wanting to die a slow death from alcoholism!
Dean I have seen men and women within AA that took it much further then you or I, they took thier alcoholism to the point of cirrosis of the liver or the ealry stages of wet brain, yet as far as they took thier drinking they found the Experience, Strength, & Hope they needed in AA to get and stay sober & become happy, joyous & free.
Dean you will do what you are going to do, I nor any one else can stop you, but we can hold out our hands and offer you our ES&H and pray that you take our hands, this is a journey that few take successfully alone, you are not alone, come walk with us.
Are you hopeless and doomed? Well this is not to brag at all, but to let you know that you have not reached that point of being hopeless. I started drinking at the age of about 11 and I drank until I was 52, the last 5 years of my drinking were daily and in quanities that really do not matter!
I felt like you do, there was no hope for me, I surrendered to alcohol, I quit fighting it and made the decision I was just going to drink myself silly every night no matter what anyone said or did........ and I proceeded to do just that!
Some time fairly soon after that I had a moment of clarity as I was drinking to celebrate the fact that my wife and kids were leaving me.
That moment of clarity revealed to me my future over the next year if I continued to drink...... What the future held for me was the lose of every material & person in my life leaving me with nothing but my bottle and a slow deaht from drinking!
Death!!!! That is what stared me in my face at 52 years old!!!! Scared the crap out of me and I had no idea what to do.
I saw a doctor and followed his suggestion to go into detox.
In detox they suggested if I wanted a chance to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor, I did just that!
In AA I heard people with long term happy sobriety share that the reason they had stayed sober was by taking the steps and applying the steps in thier everyday lifes and carrying the message to others. They suggested that if I wanted what they had that I do as they did.
I did just that and today I am still happily sober and I pass on the very message that was given to me freely, just as it was so freely passed on to me.
What is that message? The message is that there is a solution that worked for me and thousands upon thousands of others.
What lead me to that message? Me not wanting to die a slow death from alcoholism!
Dean I have seen men and women within AA that took it much further then you or I, they took thier alcoholism to the point of cirrosis of the liver or the ealry stages of wet brain, yet as far as they took thier drinking they found the Experience, Strength, & Hope they needed in AA to get and stay sober & become happy, joyous & free.
Dean you will do what you are going to do, I nor any one else can stop you, but we can hold out our hands and offer you our ES&H and pray that you take our hands, this is a journey that few take successfully alone, you are not alone, come walk with us.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
This morning, I read the following thought, meditation, and prayer. It really resonated with me. I thought of you and your current difficulties.
To me, this talks about faith, commitment & discipline and relying on your Higher Power especially in tough times. It also says that growth can be difficult and that the struggle is a sure sign of growth (a good thing!). I know that we are all different but maybe this will help you like it is helping me.
Also, something I believe with absolute certainty:
Life without alcohol can be challenging but for the most part, it's really good.
Life with alcohol is Hell: that endless cycle - drink, blackout (hurting myself, hurting others), wake up (anxiety, remorse, fear, self-hatred), feel a bit better, drink again...
This is why my sobriety is so critical.
To me, this talks about faith, commitment & discipline and relying on your Higher Power especially in tough times. It also says that growth can be difficult and that the struggle is a sure sign of growth (a good thing!). I know that we are all different but maybe this will help you like it is helping me.
Also, something I believe with absolute certainty:
Life without alcohol can be challenging but for the most part, it's really good.
Life with alcohol is Hell: that endless cycle - drink, blackout (hurting myself, hurting others), wake up (anxiety, remorse, fear, self-hatred), feel a bit better, drink again...
This is why my sobriety is so critical.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
You are reading from the book Twenty Four Hours a Day Hardcover (24 Hours)
A.A. Thought for the Day
After we've made a surrender, the drink problem is out of our hands and in the hands of God. The thing we have to do is to be sure that we never reach out and take the problem back into our own hands. Leave it in God's hands. Whenever I'm tempted to take a drink, I must say to my self: "I can't do that. I've made a bargain with God not to drink. I know God doesn't want me to drink and so I won't do it." At the same time I say a little prayer to God for the strength needed to keep the bargain with Him. Am I going to keep my bargain with God?
Meditation for the Day
I will try to grow in this new life. I will think of spiritual things often and unconsciously I will grow. The nearer I get to the new life, the more I will see my unfitness. My sense of failure is a sure sign that I am growing in the new life. It is only struggle that hurts. In sloth - physical, mental, or spiritual - there is no sense of failure or discomfort. With struggle and effort, I am conscious not of strength but of weakness until I am really living the new life. But in the struggle, I can always rely on the power of God to help me.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may see signs of my growth in the new life. I pray that I may always keep trying to grow.
You are reading from the book Twenty Four Hours a Day Hardcover (24 Hours)
A.A. Thought for the Day
After we've made a surrender, the drink problem is out of our hands and in the hands of God. The thing we have to do is to be sure that we never reach out and take the problem back into our own hands. Leave it in God's hands. Whenever I'm tempted to take a drink, I must say to my self: "I can't do that. I've made a bargain with God not to drink. I know God doesn't want me to drink and so I won't do it." At the same time I say a little prayer to God for the strength needed to keep the bargain with Him. Am I going to keep my bargain with God?
Meditation for the Day
I will try to grow in this new life. I will think of spiritual things often and unconsciously I will grow. The nearer I get to the new life, the more I will see my unfitness. My sense of failure is a sure sign that I am growing in the new life. It is only struggle that hurts. In sloth - physical, mental, or spiritual - there is no sense of failure or discomfort. With struggle and effort, I am conscious not of strength but of weakness until I am really living the new life. But in the struggle, I can always rely on the power of God to help me.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may see signs of my growth in the new life. I pray that I may always keep trying to grow.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Hey, Dean....I just want to thank you for your post. I just keep thinking that the more sobriety you have, the 'safer' you get.
From posts like yours I am learning that this just isn't a cake walk, people. Time means nothing to alcoholism. Not drinking is a lifetime decision. This is probably the most important thing I will do with my life. How I choose to do it really is life and death.
I hope that rum is down the drain. We need you around here.
From posts like yours I am learning that this just isn't a cake walk, people. Time means nothing to alcoholism. Not drinking is a lifetime decision. This is probably the most important thing I will do with my life. How I choose to do it really is life and death.
I hope that rum is down the drain. We need you around here.
Too far from the beach
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 387
Dean,
Have you considered rehab? Alcohol can really mess up our brain especially sleep patterns and depression. Once you are clean and sober you can work out the rest. Rehab may be the best choice. I hope you will consider it.
Have you considered rehab? Alcohol can really mess up our brain especially sleep patterns and depression. Once you are clean and sober you can work out the rest. Rehab may be the best choice. I hope you will consider it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Dean I hope you are alright and that alcohol is down the drain. Please dont give up your sobriety for a 'quick fix', it's just not worth it. And if you did drink, stop now before it gets hard to do so.
Still struggling myself but wanting to be sober.
:ghug3
Still struggling myself but wanting to be sober.
:ghug3
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Dean if you did go back out, please remember we still love you and still have a moment of silence for you and everyone else out there battling the beast. Keep in mind we do not shoot our wounded, we welcome them home with open arms.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 51
Damn this
I hate this frigging coping mechanism. What is it about us that makes us risk death to stop feeling for awhile? Why is feeling such a bad thing?!?!
I'm so done for today. I'm going for a run. Adios. Hope you're feeling better. xxox
I hate this frigging coping mechanism. What is it about us that makes us risk death to stop feeling for awhile? Why is feeling such a bad thing?!?!
I'm so done for today. I'm going for a run. Adios. Hope you're feeling better. xxox
A new dawn and new chapter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Kansas City, Missouri
Posts: 298
I seriously hope you re-consider what you're thinking about doing. It a tough ride and I know damn sure I'm not always feeling so good about it. I've had many days back to back that I just feel like all unholy **** going through the days. But it's all worth it for those moments where I think and feel just like a normal person, and that's what keeps me fighting on.
We've spent a long time poisoning our systems and causing damage, some longer then others and it just takes time and lifestyle changes to repair it. I hope you change your mind and stick with it a little longer. Get to your Doctor, family, friends, just anyone you can trust and ask for help! Surely the alternative is no better!
We've spent a long time poisoning our systems and causing damage, some longer then others and it just takes time and lifestyle changes to repair it. I hope you change your mind and stick with it a little longer. Get to your Doctor, family, friends, just anyone you can trust and ask for help! Surely the alternative is no better!
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
.
Originally Posted by Dean62
Alcohol is the only way for me.
Please do the right thing. Remember that your friends have faith in your spirit and in your judgement... check your email.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 196
Hey Dean,
Thanks for your honesty. I really appreciate it.
I understand that it FEELS like you can't feel any other way, but do you think if you sit with the feeling and don't act on it, it will go away later? I am really impulsive and have found if I just sit with the feeling (MUST DRINK, MUST STOP FEELING) and just DON'T ACT, I feel better and it changes sooner or later. You can always drink later. Can you wait 5 minutes? 10? an hour? Just keep incrementally waiting.
It's a thought.
SFM
Thanks for your honesty. I really appreciate it.
I understand that it FEELS like you can't feel any other way, but do you think if you sit with the feeling and don't act on it, it will go away later? I am really impulsive and have found if I just sit with the feeling (MUST DRINK, MUST STOP FEELING) and just DON'T ACT, I feel better and it changes sooner or later. You can always drink later. Can you wait 5 minutes? 10? an hour? Just keep incrementally waiting.
It's a thought.
SFM
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Dean,
Regardless of your decisions, you are loved. If I can help, please call me or email me. I will send the number in a PM. If you decide to drink again and you want to call, please do, I do not mind. There are times when I have not had an effective defense and was unwilling to rely on God's power, but you have been available here to me as have many others and I am well for today. Allow me or anyone here you feel comfortable with to listen; there are always options. Thank you for the courage and thank you for being my friend. I look forward to the end of this pain and the continuation of your New Life.
Regardless of your decisions, you are loved. If I can help, please call me or email me. I will send the number in a PM. If you decide to drink again and you want to call, please do, I do not mind. There are times when I have not had an effective defense and was unwilling to rely on God's power, but you have been available here to me as have many others and I am well for today. Allow me or anyone here you feel comfortable with to listen; there are always options. Thank you for the courage and thank you for being my friend. I look forward to the end of this pain and the continuation of your New Life.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
When I was chairing the Sunday afternoon alcoholism meeting in the chat room here on SR last year, there was a guy named Dean62 (aka Larry) who always shared some amazing wisdom, experience, strength and hope. Along with matt, felly, chiy, suki, and a whole bunch of other good people we used to have some pretty good discussions, at times I really miss those meetings.
I read this post yesterday and didn't feel like I could add much, look at how many people love you and care for you Larry. I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself, you're a fine person and a source of inspiration to many.
But we all know that we can't keep someone else sober, it's up to you to decide whether this is worth it or not. I know that you're worth it, and hope you find your way back to recovery. It's worth it, even through the difficult times.
I read this post yesterday and didn't feel like I could add much, look at how many people love you and care for you Larry. I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself, you're a fine person and a source of inspiration to many.
But we all know that we can't keep someone else sober, it's up to you to decide whether this is worth it or not. I know that you're worth it, and hope you find your way back to recovery. It's worth it, even through the difficult times.
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