Counting Sobriety Days Harmful For Some??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 183
I don't really count my days like looking at the calendar and x-ing out each day as it goes by. I don't do it on purpose, I just happen to remember when the last time I drank was and then realize what day it is and can figure out how long it's been. Like this week I've been so incredibly busy with work and school that I never really thought about how long it's been until yesterday. I think counting every day at a time would put too much pressure on myself. But I do remember when I last drank so I can figure it out if I feel like it. I'm done blabbering, good luck staying sober 
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi tiburon -
I'm with Taz on this one. What he said.
This, to me, is a matter of integrity.
It's the skwirmy stuff going on inside us that we have to work so hard to hide away that makes us drink to anesthetize it in the first place. It's the 'squirrel on the wheel' ... the hidden truths we can't run away from or drink completely silent.
I want my integrity to be my voice in all things.
I want my integrity ... to be impeccable.
It's really the only thing I have.
And it can't be pretended.
or bought.
or given.
or taken.
or manipulated.
only earned.
I've never really ... really ... done anything in this whole life.
Not for real. I've always fidged somehow ... sneaked around it, or cheated, or lied.
Not this time.
Not for me.
This one - I want for real.
And I'm willing to do whatever it takes ... to achieve it.
I am fighting for my very life.
As an ex-bartender, I sit in the rooms with those who claim years and years of sobriety - when I served them as recently as last summer. When they make those claims, I don't jump up and say anything, even though a few are openly hostile towards me in private, others just avoid me...
It's none of my business.
What goes on between them and their HP is their business.
I do not go to meetings to police or expose their truth.
I go to meetings ... to walk and talk .. my own.
What goes on between myself and the God of my understanding ... is MY business. I have a new employer. And I want my foundation to be a solid one. A real one. One I can live with. For the first time.
thanks,
barb
I'm with Taz on this one. What he said.
This, to me, is a matter of integrity.
It's the skwirmy stuff going on inside us that we have to work so hard to hide away that makes us drink to anesthetize it in the first place. It's the 'squirrel on the wheel' ... the hidden truths we can't run away from or drink completely silent.
I want my integrity to be my voice in all things.
I want my integrity ... to be impeccable.
It's really the only thing I have.
And it can't be pretended.
or bought.
or given.
or taken.
or manipulated.
only earned.
I've never really ... really ... done anything in this whole life.
Not for real. I've always fidged somehow ... sneaked around it, or cheated, or lied.
Not this time.
Not for me.
This one - I want for real.
And I'm willing to do whatever it takes ... to achieve it.
I am fighting for my very life.
As an ex-bartender, I sit in the rooms with those who claim years and years of sobriety - when I served them as recently as last summer. When they make those claims, I don't jump up and say anything, even though a few are openly hostile towards me in private, others just avoid me...
It's none of my business.
What goes on between them and their HP is their business.
I do not go to meetings to police or expose their truth.
I go to meetings ... to walk and talk .. my own.
What goes on between myself and the God of my understanding ... is MY business. I have a new employer. And I want my foundation to be a solid one. A real one. One I can live with. For the first time.
thanks,
barb
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Tib,
I have a couple of questions about your posts. I think you have raised a really interesting issue and as usual, this great site has responded with lots of feedback.
You said you feel AA is rigid in its evaluations of people. I haven't found anything in AA so far that seems rigid or judgemental. Who is scrutinising you there? Are you talking about a particular person in your group maybe? Does someone compare their number of days with yours like it is some sort of competition? If they are, I should think that such scrunitny is well out of order and wouldn't meet the aims of AA.
Maybe it's just that a relapse totally sux, is just really really hard to bear, makes you feel awful and the "number of days" is kind of a side issue? Starting back at day 1 doesn't add to my guilt if I fall. My guilt and shame are already maxxed out.
Nudawn - you said counting was something that is setting you up for failure. Don't let those thoughts in. You can do this. We are all in this with you.
For me, nothing can be worse than a relapse. I wanted to die after the last one. Being on day one was a miracle. I just hope that if I have another relapse, I can start counting again.
I agree with Wozz. Today is all I have. The days get strung together. When the string breaks, we admit defeat, give up on our pride and humbly start gathering the days again. I also agree with you, Tib. Each to his own - as long as it works for you. Thanks for the chance to think about this.
xx
I have a couple of questions about your posts. I think you have raised a really interesting issue and as usual, this great site has responded with lots of feedback.
You said you feel AA is rigid in its evaluations of people. I haven't found anything in AA so far that seems rigid or judgemental. Who is scrutinising you there? Are you talking about a particular person in your group maybe? Does someone compare their number of days with yours like it is some sort of competition? If they are, I should think that such scrunitny is well out of order and wouldn't meet the aims of AA.
Maybe it's just that a relapse totally sux, is just really really hard to bear, makes you feel awful and the "number of days" is kind of a side issue? Starting back at day 1 doesn't add to my guilt if I fall. My guilt and shame are already maxxed out.
Nudawn - you said counting was something that is setting you up for failure. Don't let those thoughts in. You can do this. We are all in this with you.
For me, nothing can be worse than a relapse. I wanted to die after the last one. Being on day one was a miracle. I just hope that if I have another relapse, I can start counting again.
I agree with Wozz. Today is all I have. The days get strung together. When the string breaks, we admit defeat, give up on our pride and humbly start gathering the days again. I also agree with you, Tib. Each to his own - as long as it works for you. Thanks for the chance to think about this.
xx
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Tib I would love to know where the rigidity is in AA?
One does not have to pick up a single chip to be in AA and there is not a person assigned to keep track of any ones sobriety.
The main reason for picking up chips in reality is not for the person picking up the chip, it is for the newcomers to show them that there is hope and that there are people who can go 30, 60, 90 days without a drink and to see that there are people that can go 10 years.
To me a chip is not for me, it is for the person who is hurting so bad for a drink they can taste it, yet hurting so bad from drinking that they want to stop.
I can not imagine what a newcomer would think if he picked up a 24 hour chip at one meeting and then see a guy picking up a 1 year chip at another meeting that he had been drinking with a week before.
AA teachs that we must get out of ourselfs and into others.
I have never seen any one looked down upon because they relapsed, what I have seen is when someone relapses and shares it by picking up another 24 hour chip an admiration by all of us of the courage it took to pick that chip up and make a recommitment to the AA way of life.
Tib have you actually seen judgement in AA? I sure have not, I have seen compassion, understanding and many hands reaching out to help a person back up. I have never seen a person shunned or disrespected for a relapse or anything else.
The only people I have ever seen anyone in AA judge is people judging their selfs, no one else.
I have never heard a person speak badly about someone who relapsed, I have seen a lot of people offer extra support and hugs to the person who relapsed.
I have never seen anyone treated like a newcomer who has relapsed, I have seen guys with 7+ years sober relapse and come back into the rooms and they were treated and respected just as much when they came back in as they were when they left.
Tib I have a feeling that you are seeing AA through a different set of eyes then the rest of us in AA, and some how I think I would to if I had a relapse, it would take me a while to get over my personal guilt, personal shame, and my personal judgement of myself which would lead me to feel that others where judging me even though they were not.
Tib, we love and care for you, I could give a rats patoot if you relapsed, what I care about is you had the guts to get right back on that horse, grab the riegns and move forward, for that I am proud of you.
I am only speaking from the AA angle, I have no experience in the NA world, but some how I doubt if it is really that different.
One does not have to pick up a single chip to be in AA and there is not a person assigned to keep track of any ones sobriety.
The main reason for picking up chips in reality is not for the person picking up the chip, it is for the newcomers to show them that there is hope and that there are people who can go 30, 60, 90 days without a drink and to see that there are people that can go 10 years.
To me a chip is not for me, it is for the person who is hurting so bad for a drink they can taste it, yet hurting so bad from drinking that they want to stop.
I can not imagine what a newcomer would think if he picked up a 24 hour chip at one meeting and then see a guy picking up a 1 year chip at another meeting that he had been drinking with a week before.
AA teachs that we must get out of ourselfs and into others.
I have never seen any one looked down upon because they relapsed, what I have seen is when someone relapses and shares it by picking up another 24 hour chip an admiration by all of us of the courage it took to pick that chip up and make a recommitment to the AA way of life.
Tib have you actually seen judgement in AA? I sure have not, I have seen compassion, understanding and many hands reaching out to help a person back up. I have never seen a person shunned or disrespected for a relapse or anything else.
The only people I have ever seen anyone in AA judge is people judging their selfs, no one else.
I have never heard a person speak badly about someone who relapsed, I have seen a lot of people offer extra support and hugs to the person who relapsed.
I have never seen anyone treated like a newcomer who has relapsed, I have seen guys with 7+ years sober relapse and come back into the rooms and they were treated and respected just as much when they came back in as they were when they left.
Tib I have a feeling that you are seeing AA through a different set of eyes then the rest of us in AA, and some how I think I would to if I had a relapse, it would take me a while to get over my personal guilt, personal shame, and my personal judgement of myself which would lead me to feel that others where judging me even though they were not.
Tib, we love and care for you, I could give a rats patoot if you relapsed, what I care about is you had the guts to get right back on that horse, grab the riegns and move forward, for that I am proud of you.
I am only speaking from the AA angle, I have no experience in the NA world, but some how I doubt if it is really that different.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto Ontario
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by Nuudawn 
Tib,
You are scratching upon something I think I understand. As I noted earlier, I am not really hung up on my days of sobriety as if I make an "issue" of it I will somehow invite more fear into the equation than I am comfortable with. I don't know why ..but for me counting days feels like some sort of "set up" for failure to me and then if I was to "blow it" I might just kick my arse so hard I may not recover from the shame for a dangerously long time..if ever. I..as an active alcoholic was always incredibly "black and white"...a definitely all or nothing sort of gal..from drinking, to dieting, to smoking etc. Once I blown a promise to myself....look out cuz I was then on a one-way train to hell in a handbasket. And I don't want to feel like that. I DON'T want a relapse...I fear it like nothing else I have ever feared BUT if I was to blow it one night, I simply can't afford that one way ticket this time...I would need to pick self up, dust self off and simply get back on the proverbial wagon.
Have the courage and conviction to do what feels "right" for your sobriety and to hell with the rest of us...myself included.
Yours is the only approval you need.
You are scratching upon something I think I understand. As I noted earlier, I am not really hung up on my days of sobriety as if I make an "issue" of it I will somehow invite more fear into the equation than I am comfortable with. I don't know why ..but for me counting days feels like some sort of "set up" for failure to me and then if I was to "blow it" I might just kick my arse so hard I may not recover from the shame for a dangerously long time..if ever. I..as an active alcoholic was always incredibly "black and white"...a definitely all or nothing sort of gal..from drinking, to dieting, to smoking etc. Once I blown a promise to myself....look out cuz I was then on a one-way train to hell in a handbasket. And I don't want to feel like that. I DON'T want a relapse...I fear it like nothing else I have ever feared BUT if I was to blow it one night, I simply can't afford that one way ticket this time...I would need to pick self up, dust self off and simply get back on the proverbial wagon.
Have the courage and conviction to do what feels "right" for your sobriety and to hell with the rest of us...myself included.
Yours is the only approval you need.
Nuudawn said it all for me. Once I blow a promise to myself lookout. I'm focusing on the success of yesterday, I'm hopeful for tomorrow but as for counting, eh, I'm sober, for me that is all that counts right now. Thanks for the post though, lots of excellent responses and food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
I see each and every moment as a gift and yes something to celebrate and be grateful for. By all intense purposes I should have died out there. But by the Grace of God here I am. And I can tell you this--I did not want to be here..I did not want to have the label of "ALCOHOLIC" ..I didn't even want to be alive..
Since the fog cleared and after many moments of clarity, awakenings and finding the real me and the real truth about me and my disease--I am so very profoundly grateful. A quote from the BB (pg 43), "I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could." I know today that my HP carried me thru the storm, the blackness and the hell, I also know I wasn't a bit grateful for him then. I didn't even acknowledge him. Yet again, here I am with 7756 days, 10 hours, 3 minutes and 670154628 heartbeats [and still counting]. he must love me alot to have carried m thru the things Iwas into and did.
How important is it--If it is a gift then, for me, it is extremely important. I know I have another drunk in me what I also know is this person does not have another comeback..I know that for a fact--There is no doubt in my mind about that. I am convicted and convinced if I went back out--I would not make it back.
It is a concious choice to remain or to go back out...Can you say you have another comeback?
Is soberity a gift for you? could you hve done this on your own? It isthe personal answers to these questions each person muucst answer for themselves.
Thank you for this thread...It is an important topic to bring up.
Thank you all for being there. Each one of you --whether I know you or not--are a gift to me.
When I add my days to my gratitude list--when the tough days come up I look bakc on that and I can get off the pity pot in a flash. When someone reaches out to me for help I know as a resuolt of seeing these days as i gift I will be of a great deal more benifit to that perason than if I was the ungrateful, angry bitch I was when I walked into the doors of AA.
Since the fog cleared and after many moments of clarity, awakenings and finding the real me and the real truth about me and my disease--I am so very profoundly grateful. A quote from the BB (pg 43), "I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could." I know today that my HP carried me thru the storm, the blackness and the hell, I also know I wasn't a bit grateful for him then. I didn't even acknowledge him. Yet again, here I am with 7756 days, 10 hours, 3 minutes and 670154628 heartbeats [and still counting]. he must love me alot to have carried m thru the things Iwas into and did.
How important is it--If it is a gift then, for me, it is extremely important. I know I have another drunk in me what I also know is this person does not have another comeback..I know that for a fact--There is no doubt in my mind about that. I am convicted and convinced if I went back out--I would not make it back.
It is a concious choice to remain or to go back out...Can you say you have another comeback?
Is soberity a gift for you? could you hve done this on your own? It isthe personal answers to these questions each person muucst answer for themselves.
Thank you for this thread...It is an important topic to bring up.
Thank you all for being there. Each one of you --whether I know you or not--are a gift to me.
When I add my days to my gratitude list--when the tough days come up I look bakc on that and I can get off the pity pot in a flash. When someone reaches out to me for help I know as a resuolt of seeing these days as i gift I will be of a great deal more benifit to that perason than if I was the ungrateful, angry bitch I was when I walked into the doors of AA.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
If I have a dollar and I spend 37 cents... can I still say I have a dollar?
I like counting my days. It gives me satisfation to click on the sobertime link at the top of the forum and see the days sober counter reflects the true number. I could of course make up a date... who would know?
Whatever works for you but if I drink again I'm back to day 1. It works for me.
I like counting my days. It gives me satisfation to click on the sobertime link at the top of the forum and see the days sober counter reflects the true number. I could of course make up a date... who would know?
Whatever works for you but if I drink again I'm back to day 1. It works for me.
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 773
I posted this topic in the Alcoholism thread and not 12-step support thread for a reason. I am grateful that I received a few responses that have helped me. I should of known that there are 12-step bullies on the internet as well as in "meetings." I find many people use their sober time as weapons to make their ideas more valid than the lowly "newcomer." I think I would rather be a alcoholic/junkie living in an alley than what some "old-timers" have. I give up on the "steps" and "wonderful" world of 12 step recovery. However, I live in the U.S. where 95% of treatment centers use the wonderful 12 step model and where it's hard to find support for those "poor lost souls" who don't follow the rules and regulations of AA society.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Originally Posted by tiburon88
I think I would rather be a alcoholic/junkie living in an alley than what some "old-timers" have.
I hope with all my heart that that doesn't happen to you.
I want to be one of those "oldtimers" one day. They have my respect. I see them as war heroes the same as our Victoria Cross winners. They have so much to teach us from their experiences. They have tried and failed. They see our pain. They know our pain and they can see how to help. They try to help.
We all know how hard this is for you because we are all in pain as well. I hope you understand that there are people here who suffer terribly.
I absolutely can't see any bullying in any of the posts. I just see loving people telling you their stories so that they can help you.
I hope you find peace with that inner voice soon. Instead of taking it out on us, try telling that voice inside to back off. It's telling you that you would rather be in a gutter than staying sober. No one can ever make you do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to do the steps, you don't have to. If you don't want to drink, don't listen to those head rat voices. Mine is a pea-brained alien.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
who don't follow the rules and regulations of AA society
Please point me in the direction of the rules? I have never heard of or seen them. Anger I have found is my primary trigger.
Tiburon for the life of me I do not know why you are feeling this way, man the only thing that matters is today, when I was fairly new I asked a guy who had just picked up his 33 year chip how he did it? He looked at me and grinned... "One day at a time". A friend of mine told me he asked a guy who had just picked up a 17 (I think it was 17) year chip how he had done it. He said the guy didn't answer, he asked him a question, he asked him "What time did you wake up this morning?" He replied "6 Am", the guy told him "Well I got up at 7:30 so you have an hour and a half more sobriety today then I do."
Man forget about the number of days sober, all that matters and will ever matter is that you are sober today!
I agree there are folks that throw around thier length of sobriety like it meant they knew more then some one else, they usually don't. I do not like to hear some one say "Well I have 28 years of sobriety and I think XXXX"
To me that does not mean diddly squat, I have heard people share with 20 days under their belt say a whole lot more useful info then folks like that.
There is one guy I know that has 21 years sober, I nor any one else want what he has, but there are also folks with 2 or 3 years that I do want what they have.
Length of sobriety is most important for most people who are new to recovery or wanting to recover. I do keep track of my days, there are not many so far, but they do mean a lot to me, and for me, every one that I add to it is one more weight on the sober side of the scale when I even consider weighing haveing a drink.
When I had about 2 mounths sober I came REALLY close to picking up, if a beer or what ever had been within easy reach I would have drank, but part of my tool box was not wanting to throw away those 2 months! That is me, others are different, I value every day sober I have, because I know that is one more day for my mind and body to recover.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
I am sorry you feel that way...sounds like you are a scared freightened individual like I was. I was also angry beliggerent, bitchy an da lotof other adjectives . I was an untouchable, I ran like the wind and I had walls so thick and high around me.
I am also sorry you feel disappointed and have what sounds like some bad experiences in AA. Not all of us "Old farts" are rigid" neither are we a "glum, dull, or boring lot" . I have found a great deal of laughter, love, & compassion here. An yes, there have been some bad experiences and what I was told was "some truly are sicker than others-it just takes them a while longer to get it"..and I found that to be true. YThere are several Big Book thumbers that can quote yuo chapter and verse yet you go home and watch them they do not put the stuff into practice. They do not walk their talk..And that is ok too--for them. You make choices here...you choose who to hang out with and what meetings to go to..You decide to accept or reject a suggestion...You decide to go or to stay...I could use your same aargument and say there are many normies out there that if that is what they call normal---I certianly don't want anything they have and it makes me even more grateful I am an alcoholic learning a "new design for living".
You sound a great deal ike I was and I am an "Old fart" in this program. You take me back to reflecting on how I was then--whew!!! I am far from being that same person!!! I am not near as rigid as I was then--I am more flexible, more open minded, more able to take life on Life's terms, people can really see who I am today--they do not have to guess what is behind the masks or the walls. I am real and I am authentic.
You do what you need to do for you. If you ever need us. We will be here for you and we will welcome you with open arms. We eill not judge you or condem you so if you make a decision you would like to come back--Please do!! and there is no need for embarrassment, no fear,--- Please--Please try to come in openminded and not judge us based on a couple bad experiences.
Tahnk You so much for sharing...That takes courage!! I can respect that
I am also sorry you feel disappointed and have what sounds like some bad experiences in AA. Not all of us "Old farts" are rigid" neither are we a "glum, dull, or boring lot" . I have found a great deal of laughter, love, & compassion here. An yes, there have been some bad experiences and what I was told was "some truly are sicker than others-it just takes them a while longer to get it"..and I found that to be true. YThere are several Big Book thumbers that can quote yuo chapter and verse yet you go home and watch them they do not put the stuff into practice. They do not walk their talk..And that is ok too--for them. You make choices here...you choose who to hang out with and what meetings to go to..You decide to accept or reject a suggestion...You decide to go or to stay...I could use your same aargument and say there are many normies out there that if that is what they call normal---I certianly don't want anything they have and it makes me even more grateful I am an alcoholic learning a "new design for living".
You sound a great deal ike I was and I am an "Old fart" in this program. You take me back to reflecting on how I was then--whew!!! I am far from being that same person!!! I am not near as rigid as I was then--I am more flexible, more open minded, more able to take life on Life's terms, people can really see who I am today--they do not have to guess what is behind the masks or the walls. I am real and I am authentic.
You do what you need to do for you. If you ever need us. We will be here for you and we will welcome you with open arms. We eill not judge you or condem you so if you make a decision you would like to come back--Please do!! and there is no need for embarrassment, no fear,--- Please--Please try to come in openminded and not judge us based on a couple bad experiences.
Tahnk You so much for sharing...That takes courage!! I can respect that
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
Hi Tiberon
The only requirement for membership is a desire to quit drinking.
There are no rules--only suggestons. You have complete control in every decision you make.
You met with a few that are in love with their own opinion--they are here yes, but there are many of us who have grown out of rigidity
Please feel free to come back any time
The only requirement for membership is a desire to quit drinking.
There are no rules--only suggestons. You have complete control in every decision you make.
You met with a few that are in love with their own opinion--they are here yes, but there are many of us who have grown out of rigidity
Please feel free to come back any time
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Every day I wake up and start a new sober day, I can finish that day with a pat on the back (self given if need be)
Each day that I remember where I was and where I now am is a growth towards me learning to love myself.
tell myself...Way to Go, Good job... enough times and it starts to sink in...
Hey I am all right. I am not as bad as i once thought I was.
I Can Do It.
Take the pat on the back for standing up again, getting honest, and not givng up.
Each day that I remember where I was and where I now am is a growth towards me learning to love myself.
tell myself...Way to Go, Good job... enough times and it starts to sink in...
Hey I am all right. I am not as bad as i once thought I was.
I Can Do It.
Take the pat on the back for standing up again, getting honest, and not givng up.
We know the pain. Happy reading Tib.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Originally Posted by tiburon88
I posted this topic in the Alcoholism thread and not 12-step support thread for a reason. I am grateful that I received a few responses that have helped me. I should of known that there are 12-step bullies on the internet as well as in "meetings." I find many people use their sober time as weapons to make their ideas more valid than the lowly "newcomer." I think I would rather be a alcoholic/junkie living in an alley than what some "old-timers" have. I give up on the "steps" and "wonderful" world of 12 step recovery. However, I live in the U.S. where 95% of treatment centers use the wonderful 12 step model and where it's hard to find support for those "poor lost souls" who don't follow the rules and regulations of AA society.
that is interested in recovery.
It's true that most of us here are using AA
so that is what we share about.
We have a sticky post at the top with a
variety of methods. Here is the link..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
I do hope you find peace in your life.
Take care... and keep moving forward...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
QUOTED FROM BARB dWYER "I want my integrity to be my voice in all things.
I want my integrity ... to be impeccable.
It's really the only thing I have.
And it can't be pretended.
or bought.
or given.
or taken.
or manipulated.
only earned.
I've never really ... really ... done anything in this whole life.
Not for real. I've always fidged somehow ... sneaked around it, or cheated, or lied.
Not this time.
Not for me.
This one - I want for real.
And I'm willing to do whatever it takes ... to achieve it.
I am fighting for my very life."
________________________________________________
This is as I said earlier, my last stop, I do not have a comeback, so I agree with Barb. This is for real andit is something I am willing to walk thru hell for--if I have to--But thank God that is not the case.
I want my integrity ... to be impeccable.
It's really the only thing I have.
And it can't be pretended.
or bought.
or given.
or taken.
or manipulated.
only earned.
I've never really ... really ... done anything in this whole life.
Not for real. I've always fidged somehow ... sneaked around it, or cheated, or lied.
Not this time.
Not for me.
This one - I want for real.
And I'm willing to do whatever it takes ... to achieve it.
I am fighting for my very life."
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This is as I said earlier, my last stop, I do not have a comeback, so I agree with Barb. This is for real andit is something I am willing to walk thru hell for--if I have to--But thank God that is not the case.
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