hard forming friendships in AA
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Originally Posted by miamifella 
I know that this is not exactly on topic, but I am curious how common these clubhouses where you can hang out before and after meetings are.
A few my sponsors would have had heart attacks over this kind of clubhouse. This kind of place would seem to be an effort to make AA/NA/etc into something more social.
A few my sponsors would have had heart attacks over this kind of clubhouse. This kind of place would seem to be an effort to make AA/NA/etc into something more social.
San Francisco has the Dry Dock in the Marina.
San Diego there's one on Cass street and another on Monroe in the heart of SD.
Scottsdale in AZ has one although I can't remember where off hand.
It's likely many cities in the US have such a clubhouse.
Originally Posted by miamifella
...A few my sponsors would have had heart attacks over this kind of clubhouse. This kind of place would seem to be an effort to make AA/NA/etc into something more social.
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Here clubhouse just means a place where they just have 12-step meetings (i.e. not a room in a church, rehab, etc.) They do not have this kind of lounge.
I think all of my sponsors would have considered sitting around a lounge to be not a good idea in early sobriety. And one of them would have objected to the expense of such a facility.
I think all of my sponsors would have considered sitting around a lounge to be not a good idea in early sobriety. And one of them would have objected to the expense of such a facility.
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I've had this problem in AA, too. It made me kind of sad to read this thread, because I was hoping it was just me or my local AA or both. It sounds like it's pretty common.
When I was first in AA, many years ago, my group and I had a pretty tight bond. We did things together and formed close friendships. Supporting the newcomer and including them in our group was how we worked the twelfth step.
When I came back, here in a different town, the people were so different. I don't see people getting together, they don't answer their phones, even the lady who said she would be my sponsor.
I tried going in with a different attitude, asking for help, being more forward, pushing through the people anxiety and just 'doing it'. I try to talk to someone in the program over the phone once a day, and I just go down my list until someone answers or I get to the end, and I leave messages saying, "Call me back, please"
That has helped a lot, I am getting more help and support. But, I can see how it may never be like it was before, with close friendships and people in recovery to hang out with. I'll sure miss that. I think it was one of the highlights of my sobriety before, and I think that's how AA is intended to be. That's how it's described in the Big Book.
For now though, I'm just glad I have people who will answer the phone, talk to me before meetings and give some guidance. I'm still looking for a sponsor that will actually talk to me, but I feel like I will find one soon.
It's not as wonderful, but it's good enough for now. When I have some time, and something to give back, I hope to be able to change that for other new women who come to the rooms here. I'm looking forward to giving them the old AA welcome I was so grateful for when I first came to AA.
When I was first in AA, many years ago, my group and I had a pretty tight bond. We did things together and formed close friendships. Supporting the newcomer and including them in our group was how we worked the twelfth step.
When I came back, here in a different town, the people were so different. I don't see people getting together, they don't answer their phones, even the lady who said she would be my sponsor.
I tried going in with a different attitude, asking for help, being more forward, pushing through the people anxiety and just 'doing it'. I try to talk to someone in the program over the phone once a day, and I just go down my list until someone answers or I get to the end, and I leave messages saying, "Call me back, please"
That has helped a lot, I am getting more help and support. But, I can see how it may never be like it was before, with close friendships and people in recovery to hang out with. I'll sure miss that. I think it was one of the highlights of my sobriety before, and I think that's how AA is intended to be. That's how it's described in the Big Book.
For now though, I'm just glad I have people who will answer the phone, talk to me before meetings and give some guidance. I'm still looking for a sponsor that will actually talk to me, but I feel like I will find one soon.
It's not as wonderful, but it's good enough for now. When I have some time, and something to give back, I hope to be able to change that for other new women who come to the rooms here. I'm looking forward to giving them the old AA welcome I was so grateful for when I first came to AA.
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Originally Posted by KarenOskie
I've had this problem in AA, too. It made me kind of sad to read this thread, because I was hoping it was just me or my local AA or both. It sounds like it's pretty common.
When I was first in AA, many years ago, my group and I had a pretty tight bond. We did things together and formed close friendships. Supporting the newcomer and including them in our group was how we worked the twelfth step.
When I came back, here in a different town, the people were so different. I don't see people getting together, they don't answer their phones, even the lady who said she would be my sponsor.
I tried going in with a different attitude, asking for help, being more forward, pushing through the people anxiety and just 'doing it'. I try to talk to someone in the program over the phone once a day, and I just go down my list until someone answers or I get to the end, and I leave messages saying, "Call me back, please"
That has helped a lot, I am getting more help and support. But, I can see how it may never be like it was before, with close friendships and people in recovery to hang out with. I'll sure miss that. I think it was one of the highlights of my sobriety before, and I think that's how AA is intended to be. That's how it's described in the Big Book.
For now though, I'm just glad I have people who will answer the phone, talk to me before meetings and give some guidance. I'm still looking for a sponsor that will actually talk to me, but I feel like I will find one soon.
It's not as wonderful, but it's good enough for now. When I have some time, and something to give back, I hope to be able to change that for other new women who come to the rooms here. I'm looking forward to giving them the old AA welcome I was so grateful for when I first came to AA.
When I was first in AA, many years ago, my group and I had a pretty tight bond. We did things together and formed close friendships. Supporting the newcomer and including them in our group was how we worked the twelfth step.
When I came back, here in a different town, the people were so different. I don't see people getting together, they don't answer their phones, even the lady who said she would be my sponsor.
I tried going in with a different attitude, asking for help, being more forward, pushing through the people anxiety and just 'doing it'. I try to talk to someone in the program over the phone once a day, and I just go down my list until someone answers or I get to the end, and I leave messages saying, "Call me back, please"
That has helped a lot, I am getting more help and support. But, I can see how it may never be like it was before, with close friendships and people in recovery to hang out with. I'll sure miss that. I think it was one of the highlights of my sobriety before, and I think that's how AA is intended to be. That's how it's described in the Big Book.
For now though, I'm just glad I have people who will answer the phone, talk to me before meetings and give some guidance. I'm still looking for a sponsor that will actually talk to me, but I feel like I will find one soon.
It's not as wonderful, but it's good enough for now. When I have some time, and something to give back, I hope to be able to change that for other new women who come to the rooms here. I'm looking forward to giving them the old AA welcome I was so grateful for when I first came to AA.
However, I learned much of this had to do with us being ex-pats living in a foreign country. There wasn't much else to do after a meeting except hangout especially those who were single.
When I begin attending meeting in the States I noticed going out as a group after a meeting wasn't that popular. I`d would sometimes see pairs of AA members chatting in a nearby coffee shop but not a group.
This is why I like meetings which either have a clubhouse or a table/chair outside or somewhere I can hangout. I like to sit down find out what`s going on.
Not just stand around in the room after a meeting and bs about much I relate to someone's share.
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Originally Posted by 2muchpain
Most of the meetings I have gone to have places where people can hang out before or after meetings. One just had chairs outside the meeting. Another one had a picnic area with picnic tables. Another one actually had a room with a TV, couches and a pool table along with a kitchen where people would cook stuff up sometimes. Besides the social aspect of this, many people during the meetings may have questions they would want to ask somebody that can't be done during a regular meeting. So catching someone after a meeting to talk about something that was said at a meeting is important. John
An AA location can be the one place a drunk (yes, even someone who comes drunk- happened on the 4th of July with at least one person I encountered) is safe, won't get arrested (or kicked out, probably, unless they get unruly) and can spend however much time with people around him who are also trying to get and be sober.
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I probably shouldn't post this because it sounds so negative, but I need a safe place to put this out there. I went to a meeting today. This guy shared a really sad story and how much pain he was in. It really moved me and I wanted to at least offer support or help if I could. I walk up to the guy to offer support, shakes his hand, but he completely ignores me. He doesn't even look at me, but starts talking to another guy. I stood around for a while, feeling real awkward but thinking he would eventually say something to me. Never happened, so I just walked away. I'm so tired of trying to join in and people just treat me like I don't exist. This stuff just gets old after a while. I know people are hurting, etc., but come on. There's just no excuse for this kind of behavior. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a ghost. I'm done with this c""p. And I won't buy the "were all sick" excuse. It's like saying, "well, I relapsed because I'm a sick person". The funny thing is the meeting is called YANA meaning you are not alone. What a joke. Sorry, just wanted to get this out of my head. Jhn
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Hey 2much, I know from experience how much that hurts. I've had the same thing happen to me at meetings and at AA functions. I am a nice, neat, fairly attractive woman. I don't smell bad, a little older but not dumpy. I am always nice and respectful. I make it a point to let people know that I'm trying really hard but need 'The Hand of AA".
Does anyone else remember when one of the signs on the wall said, "When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help. I want the hand of A.A. to be there.... And for that, I am responsible"?
Bill Wilson must be rolling over in his grave! I am so sad to see this happening to AA.
When I get in a pinch, I have no one to call. I don't want to go down a list getting answering machines when I'm 'jonesing' or feeling really upset.
I'm glad SR is here. I would be all on my own if it wasn't. And I go to AA almost every day!
But, I have found a few people who will at least say hello and acknowledge me. There are a few still out there. I think my focus will be to chum up with them, and try to ignore the rest.
Big hugs to you! I wish we could form our own AA meeting, but it would be a heck of a drive, wouldn't it?
Does anyone else remember when one of the signs on the wall said, "When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help. I want the hand of A.A. to be there.... And for that, I am responsible"?
Bill Wilson must be rolling over in his grave! I am so sad to see this happening to AA.
When I get in a pinch, I have no one to call. I don't want to go down a list getting answering machines when I'm 'jonesing' or feeling really upset.
I'm glad SR is here. I would be all on my own if it wasn't. And I go to AA almost every day!
But, I have found a few people who will at least say hello and acknowledge me. There are a few still out there. I think my focus will be to chum up with them, and try to ignore the rest.
Big hugs to you! I wish we could form our own AA meeting, but it would be a heck of a drive, wouldn't it?
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One of the problems that I have is that most of the friendly people are men, and I know that women should hang with women. I am not at all looking for a romantic relationship! But if it's only the guys that are willing to be friendly and help, and if I'm clear, without being rude, that I only want AA help and AA fellowship, then maybe that will be my best answer.
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KarenOskie
There are two people at the meeting that will say hi so I guess I should maybe focus on that and feel grateful for it. I wish I could come up with something I said or did to cause this but there's nothing. Like you, I'm polite, nice and respectful to everybody, so go figure. I just don't understand how people can just ignore you and be ok with that. The guilt would drive me nuts. There were a few people from AA that I used to hang around with, but they moved. And you're right about SR. It really helps to have a place to go to when you need to get something off your chest. Helps a lot. I'll probably occasionally drop in to other meetings, just to keep in touch with AA but probably not very often. I think I'm pretty much done with it right now. Hope you don't give up and keep going to the meetings. They're worth it, but for me, the negative messages I've gotten for a long time far outweigh anything positive for me right now. John
There are two people at the meeting that will say hi so I guess I should maybe focus on that and feel grateful for it. I wish I could come up with something I said or did to cause this but there's nothing. Like you, I'm polite, nice and respectful to everybody, so go figure. I just don't understand how people can just ignore you and be ok with that. The guilt would drive me nuts. There were a few people from AA that I used to hang around with, but they moved. And you're right about SR. It really helps to have a place to go to when you need to get something off your chest. Helps a lot. I'll probably occasionally drop in to other meetings, just to keep in touch with AA but probably not very often. I think I'm pretty much done with it right now. Hope you don't give up and keep going to the meetings. They're worth it, but for me, the negative messages I've gotten for a long time far outweigh anything positive for me right now. John
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Hi Karen,
Where I go I talk mostly to the men and just a few of the women. With all respect to women in general (I am a woman), there does tend to be a weird cliquey thing that they do sometimes and excluding other women seems to be a large part of that. So, take that for what it's worth - just my opinion.
I would feel honored if the guys like you because I think alot of guys have excellent BS detectors and if you are a b*tch or a nasty lady (excuse my French) they will avoid you. So if the women are avoiding you and the guys are not - that might be a very good thing. Where I live, alot of the guys are afraid of many of the women because they (the women) are angry or aggressive. Just sayin' ! I am a pretty happy and friendly woman and I try and be easy to get along with and so I get along with most people, most of the time. But, that is mostly men. : )
As for the Scottsdale meeting place it may be the North Scottsdale Fellowship Hall. It even has its own website: North Scottsdale Fellowship Club | Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship hall
Where I go I talk mostly to the men and just a few of the women. With all respect to women in general (I am a woman), there does tend to be a weird cliquey thing that they do sometimes and excluding other women seems to be a large part of that. So, take that for what it's worth - just my opinion.
I would feel honored if the guys like you because I think alot of guys have excellent BS detectors and if you are a b*tch or a nasty lady (excuse my French) they will avoid you. So if the women are avoiding you and the guys are not - that might be a very good thing. Where I live, alot of the guys are afraid of many of the women because they (the women) are angry or aggressive. Just sayin' ! I am a pretty happy and friendly woman and I try and be easy to get along with and so I get along with most people, most of the time. But, that is mostly men. : )
As for the Scottsdale meeting place it may be the North Scottsdale Fellowship Hall. It even has its own website: North Scottsdale Fellowship Club | Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship hall
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Originally Posted by Reprieve
Hi Karen,
Where I go I talk mostly to the men and just a few of the women. With all respect to women in general (I am a woman), there does tend to be a weird cliquey thing that they do sometimes and excluding other women seems to be a large part of that. So, take that for what it's worth - just my opinion.
I would feel honored if the guys like you because I think alot of guys have excellent BS detectors and if you are a b*tch or a nasty lady (excuse my French) they will avoid you. So if the women are avoiding you and the guys are not - that might be a very good thing. Where I live, alot of the guys are afraid of many of the women because they (the women) are angry or aggressive. Just sayin' ! I am a pretty happy and friendly woman and I try and be easy to get along with and so I get along with most people, most of the time. But, that is mostly men. : )
As for the Scottsdale meeting place it may be the North Scottsdale Fellowship Hall. It even has its own website: North Scottsdale Fellowship Club | Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship hall
Where I go I talk mostly to the men and just a few of the women. With all respect to women in general (I am a woman), there does tend to be a weird cliquey thing that they do sometimes and excluding other women seems to be a large part of that. So, take that for what it's worth - just my opinion.
I would feel honored if the guys like you because I think alot of guys have excellent BS detectors and if you are a b*tch or a nasty lady (excuse my French) they will avoid you. So if the women are avoiding you and the guys are not - that might be a very good thing. Where I live, alot of the guys are afraid of many of the women because they (the women) are angry or aggressive. Just sayin' ! I am a pretty happy and friendly woman and I try and be easy to get along with and so I get along with most people, most of the time. But, that is mostly men. : )
As for the Scottsdale meeting place it may be the North Scottsdale Fellowship Hall. It even has its own website: North Scottsdale Fellowship Club | Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship hall
I think I've been there.
Does it have an AA gift shop next door?
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Gift shop?
This just feels so far from the AA, I know! But at least I am getting an idea of where they are getting the money for the sofas and TVs. I knew it took more than people dropping a dollar or two in the basket...
This just feels so far from the AA, I know! But at least I am getting an idea of where they are getting the money for the sofas and TVs. I knew it took more than people dropping a dollar or two in the basket...
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Originally Posted by miamifella
Gift shop?
This just feels so far from the AA, I know! But at least I am getting an idea of where they are getting the money for the sofas and TVs. I knew it took more than people dropping a dollar or two in the basket...
This just feels so far from the AA, I know! But at least I am getting an idea of where they are getting the money for the sofas and TVs. I knew it took more than people dropping a dollar or two in the basket...
No. An AA book/gift shop is far from the norm. I've never seen it any other place.
However, a clubhouse isn't unusual and having a sober environment to hangout before/after a meeting can be a very helpful for the newly sober as well as anyone else in AA.
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Originally Posted by Dave42001
I don't go to AA to make friends, I go to stay sober!
AA does have a gift shop at every club, they sell AA lititure! For a very fair price I would add!
AA does have a gift shop at every club, they sell AA lititure! For a very fair price I would add!
The place I remember in Scottsdale was an actual store selling AA related goods.
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Hi Ken,
Yes, you are right! there is a recovery bookstore there and it sells all kinds of program literature for CODA, Al-Anon, sex and love addicts anonymous - you name it. Prices are a little high but, whatever. It has good stuff.
It's so funny that you guys know that place. It's like a small complex in a larger shopping center and there are several meeting rooms for NA, AA, CODA and an Al-Anon room. And Adult Children of Alcoholics too. Being Scottsdale they have a huge transient population and people come from all over the country and the world, so I guess it figures.
Yes, you are right! there is a recovery bookstore there and it sells all kinds of program literature for CODA, Al-Anon, sex and love addicts anonymous - you name it. Prices are a little high but, whatever. It has good stuff.
It's so funny that you guys know that place. It's like a small complex in a larger shopping center and there are several meeting rooms for NA, AA, CODA and an Al-Anon room. And Adult Children of Alcoholics too. Being Scottsdale they have a huge transient population and people come from all over the country and the world, so I guess it figures.
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx
No. An AA book/gift shop is far from the norm. I've never seen it any other place.
However, a clubhouse isn't unusual and having a sober environment to hangout before/after a meeting can be a very helpful for the newly sober as well as anyone else in AA.
However, a clubhouse isn't unusual and having a sober environment to hangout before/after a meeting can be a very helpful for the newly sober as well as anyone else in AA.
I never thought of it as a "gift shop" but here the bigger clubhouses do usually have a "literature closet" and one or a few people have the key; the one at the clubhouse I go to has the basics (ie BB and The 12 Traditions/12&12) and also other recovery books.
One thing I might gently add is that all of us have been writing from the "I" perspective- what "I" get out of AA. That's cool - we are each there (hopefully) with the goal of getting and being sober. But I mention this because you NEVER know what is going on with someone else- so approaching someone with lack of response (as one person above described in trying to reach out to one person) might be rebuffed bc of stuff they are dealing with, that make engaging with another just too much. I certainly remember some sensory/emotional overload in early days that made me really hesitant to talk and even to accept others overtures at connection.
I don't think we should be so dramatic about a baby/bathwater, Bill W would roll over kind of thing. AA is still around and thriving after so many years, despite some interpersonal drama or the variety of "Types" of meetings and such.
Bottom line, I gotta sift through the people around me, and find the good in AA and in my outside life. Just like everyone else, alcoholics or not!
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Originally Posted by August252015
I am FASCINATED by what is the "norm" in so many places and how different it is.
However, what I saw in Scottsdale was something quite different.
This was an actual store where you can browse around in and find many kinds of recovery related goods to buy.
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Originally Posted by Dave42001
I don't go to AA to make friends, I go to stay sober!
AA does have a gift shop at every club, they sell AA lititure! For a very fair price I would add!
AA does have a gift shop at every club, they sell AA lititure! For a very fair price I would add!
Put a different way. Suppose someone joins a group that has a common purpose, say to build better community relations. And, for whatever reason, your advice and offers are rebuked. How long would it take before that person feels they aren't a valued member of that group? It has nothing to do with making friends. It has everything to do with feeling you are a valued member of that group and your a part of something bigger than yourself. John
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Point taken, John!
I've been in the program for years and I have a great group of friends in the fellowship. I attend a lot of meetings and I've seen my share of odd, strange and crazy things. With all the distractions that come with meetings I try to get out of myself and remember my primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.. I'm making progress but I'm far from perfect!
I've been in the program for years and I have a great group of friends in the fellowship. I attend a lot of meetings and I've seen my share of odd, strange and crazy things. With all the distractions that come with meetings I try to get out of myself and remember my primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.. I'm making progress but I'm far from perfect!
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