hard forming friendships in AA
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 471
I've continued to work on my problem with feeling like I don't connect with the people in AA. One thing, I started being more forward, going up to people and asking for their number, telling them I'm having a hard time with coming back, or just chatting. That was hard but has gotten easier with practice. Another thing is I'm going to different meetings. That has been the biggest help. And, I think I was depressed and that has gotten better, so my view of everything has gotten better, too.
I loved reading all these posts. Helps a lot. I especially loved your last post 2MP. I hadn't thought of it that way.
I loved reading all these posts. Helps a lot. I especially loved your last post 2MP. I hadn't thought of it that way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by KarenOskie 
I've continued to work on my problem with feeling like I don't connect with the people in AA. One thing, I started being more forward, going up to people and asking for their number, telling them I'm having a hard time with coming back, or just chatting. That was hard but has gotten easier with practice. Another thing is I'm going to different meetings. That has been the biggest help. And, I think I was depressed and that has gotten better, so my view of everything has gotten better, too.
I loved reading all these posts. Helps a lot. I especially loved your last post 2MP. I hadn't thought of it that way.
I loved reading all these posts. Helps a lot. I especially loved your last post 2MP. I hadn't thought of it that way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 89
Here are my thoughts on this today: when I feel distant from myself, then I feel distant from others. How then, can I become more in touch with myself and be good to me.
So, this can apply to me as well as others and once you put a bunch of recovering alch'ys in a room in various stages of recovery (or not) plus your own mishigaz, then it can be a real hoe-down. So to speak.
I have some decent time under my belt but I believe it's because I come and go from the rooms as needed. Like a marathon, not a sprint - I try and pace myself so that I can go the distance. Here's an example of the weirdness that can occur in an aa room: when I said that exact thing last week in a local meeting, a guy with 33 years followed after me and looking directly AT me said: "It is not a marathon or a sprint, it is a way of life." Ok, whatever. Be a d!ck. I just looked back at him and smiled.
Some people will hate whatever you say, go against you, cause trouble, gossip - all kinds of weird stuff. But - can I remain calm and peaceful no matter what others do? Al-Anon can help with that alot. : )
Friends, let me say that in my local area we have some serious bad stuff that goes on among members, men against women and vice versa. We have very, very few young women because the men are so predatory that they drive them away. I am a strong woman with alot of time and experience, and I sometimes have to step away for a few weeks because it is so unhealthy.
So, when you feel that there is something wrong with you because you don't fit in - ask yourself, hmmm ... what is the context and who is right or healthy here? Sometimes, it is ok to not fully fit in but to be an outsider in the rooms. I hold my own most of the time, but like I say - I often have to just stay away for a while. Others might have a harder time of it. One young woman keeps drinking because of the dynamics in the rooms - she is a walking victim for these guys. I step in and help her where I can but it makes me very upset to see the dysfunction, and I have to protect myself as well. Very difficult, sometimes.
So, this can apply to me as well as others and once you put a bunch of recovering alch'ys in a room in various stages of recovery (or not) plus your own mishigaz, then it can be a real hoe-down. So to speak.
I have some decent time under my belt but I believe it's because I come and go from the rooms as needed. Like a marathon, not a sprint - I try and pace myself so that I can go the distance. Here's an example of the weirdness that can occur in an aa room: when I said that exact thing last week in a local meeting, a guy with 33 years followed after me and looking directly AT me said: "It is not a marathon or a sprint, it is a way of life." Ok, whatever. Be a d!ck. I just looked back at him and smiled.
Some people will hate whatever you say, go against you, cause trouble, gossip - all kinds of weird stuff. But - can I remain calm and peaceful no matter what others do? Al-Anon can help with that alot. : )
Friends, let me say that in my local area we have some serious bad stuff that goes on among members, men against women and vice versa. We have very, very few young women because the men are so predatory that they drive them away. I am a strong woman with alot of time and experience, and I sometimes have to step away for a few weeks because it is so unhealthy.
So, when you feel that there is something wrong with you because you don't fit in - ask yourself, hmmm ... what is the context and who is right or healthy here? Sometimes, it is ok to not fully fit in but to be an outsider in the rooms. I hold my own most of the time, but like I say - I often have to just stay away for a while. Others might have a harder time of it. One young woman keeps drinking because of the dynamics in the rooms - she is a walking victim for these guys. I step in and help her where I can but it makes me very upset to see the dysfunction, and I have to protect myself as well. Very difficult, sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Easton PA
Posts: 1
Meetings that I go to
My sobriety is dependent on my spiritual condition. I get this spiritual condition in a variety of ways. I often think of this as my brand of sobriety. Not that my problems with a drink made me unique.
The meetings that I choose to go to make up how I feel about my sobriety. I often have to change them due many reasons, work, kids schedule etc. Often I make 7 meetings in 7 days or have to skip 5 days. I never continue to go to a meeting where I regularly feel uncomfortable or if my shares aren't inspiring conversations after a meeting that are strictly spiritually based, no business deals, nor romance nuances. It is sometimes difficult of course, however that is what coffee shops are for.
When I first started my journey I tried meetings where people were different than me. It was very hard, they either dressed nicer than me or worse and either seemed of no religion or too much religion emphasis in the meetings. There were some pretty people meetings and others not so much. Then my alcoholism became a gift when I had to feel the pain for real in my normal everyday life. Loss of work, loss of status, loss of family time, and I was quick to pursue a spiritual condition of my understanding no matter what it took to get it done.
When I lost my drivers license, I was no longer in control of where I went all the time. Without control of what meetings "I wanted" to go to, I was forced to go to meetings where I could not mix with people just like me. Often it was amazing how much more open to their suggestions for making changes in my life than if they were just like me or "peers". If they were a lot older I listened more usually, or the same if they talked differently or if they looked different and were perhaps younger it was like a higher power talked through their voices to me.
Through this, I was able to get to where I feel like I am coming to believe all the time. when my sobriety is "on the beam" this is my mindful state.
So as a result, I try to go with the flow picking meetings. If I find it a real turn off I avoid for some weeks and maybe months and try it again, it is enlightening how a crowd can change when you step away and conversely it is miracle to hear new meetings speakers and shares.
It is coming to believe where I learned to get better sobriety. I try to do it all the time, looking for the good in all sobriety, the silver lining in all dark clouds. I heard my friend was rear ended in her car. She was sad and frustrated at first, then she thought, I know my higher power wants me to meet the mechanic who fixed it. They must have something to show or teach me. That is the sobriety I want. God loves you today and so do I.
The meetings that I choose to go to make up how I feel about my sobriety. I often have to change them due many reasons, work, kids schedule etc. Often I make 7 meetings in 7 days or have to skip 5 days. I never continue to go to a meeting where I regularly feel uncomfortable or if my shares aren't inspiring conversations after a meeting that are strictly spiritually based, no business deals, nor romance nuances. It is sometimes difficult of course, however that is what coffee shops are for.
When I first started my journey I tried meetings where people were different than me. It was very hard, they either dressed nicer than me or worse and either seemed of no religion or too much religion emphasis in the meetings. There were some pretty people meetings and others not so much. Then my alcoholism became a gift when I had to feel the pain for real in my normal everyday life. Loss of work, loss of status, loss of family time, and I was quick to pursue a spiritual condition of my understanding no matter what it took to get it done.
When I lost my drivers license, I was no longer in control of where I went all the time. Without control of what meetings "I wanted" to go to, I was forced to go to meetings where I could not mix with people just like me. Often it was amazing how much more open to their suggestions for making changes in my life than if they were just like me or "peers". If they were a lot older I listened more usually, or the same if they talked differently or if they looked different and were perhaps younger it was like a higher power talked through their voices to me.
Through this, I was able to get to where I feel like I am coming to believe all the time. when my sobriety is "on the beam" this is my mindful state.
So as a result, I try to go with the flow picking meetings. If I find it a real turn off I avoid for some weeks and maybe months and try it again, it is enlightening how a crowd can change when you step away and conversely it is miracle to hear new meetings speakers and shares.
It is coming to believe where I learned to get better sobriety. I try to do it all the time, looking for the good in all sobriety, the silver lining in all dark clouds. I heard my friend was rear ended in her car. She was sad and frustrated at first, then she thought, I know my higher power wants me to meet the mechanic who fixed it. They must have something to show or teach me. That is the sobriety I want. God loves you today and so do I.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 89
Appreciate reading the different comments here, I also struggle with many of these issues and it can be hard.
Was out of town yesterday and went to some great meetings in a large city a few hours away. I felt relaxed and at peace with the larger groups and all the different kinds of people. I was really welcomed and had a good time.
I think I need to move from my local area and that is something I am working on for the next few months. But, I want to learn the lessons that are being presented to me here, so that when I do leave I will have also accomplished what I was meant to accomplish and learn. If I can learn the lessons here now, then hopefully I won't have to keep repeating them somewhere else.
Was out of town yesterday and went to some great meetings in a large city a few hours away. I felt relaxed and at peace with the larger groups and all the different kinds of people. I was really welcomed and had a good time.
I think I need to move from my local area and that is something I am working on for the next few months. But, I want to learn the lessons that are being presented to me here, so that when I do leave I will have also accomplished what I was meant to accomplish and learn. If I can learn the lessons here now, then hopefully I won't have to keep repeating them somewhere else.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 471
Going to different meetings and being more forward has made a huge difference. I now have a good sponsor and one good AA friend. My sponsor says she wants me to have at least five good AA friends. That is a huge thing to ask of this former hermit. I'm going to do it though.
This has been such a good thread, thanks for all who keep sharing!
This has been such a good thread, thanks for all who keep sharing!
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