August252015

Ohhkay. So I do have some add'l comments on the friends-in-AA thing.

I met a new person today at my usual Sunday routine at one of my two main groups. Exactly the meet-and-chat, don't know that I want to socialize with you scenario described above.

I have made friends and want to keep making them. I echo what i said before about the doing things out of meetings, etc.

Buuut.....I am also learning about the weirdness, particularly when it comes to drama seekers who are often long time sober people. I have had my first go round with this just in the last few days.

My sponsor and I discussed the deal with this friend, and it was a lesson in boundaries for me, setting them with him (another note- friends of the opposite sex is often quickly complicated in AA, IMO moreso than in the real world) - and then letting it be when he did not take it well.

My dad also said something to me today that really struck me - he and my mom have heard me talk about a few AA friends, including a couple of guys and the one I just mentioned - "You really might want to think about torpedoing anyone who is negative to you, criticizes your your recovery." Ta da.

I have also read in numerous places -and again, talked with my sponsor about this- that it is important to learn how, when, what and with whom to share. This is a tough one for me; I am both an over-sharer (definitely when drunk) and AA is an arena where you very quickly "tell" others stuff you would never share "outside," even if just by speaking in a meeting.

I think it's important to make program friends, like we are told (trade numbers, do things, etc etc) but - it's also weird. And I'm learning it can trip you up, even if just emotionally and not about drinking again - and no "friend" is worth that for me.

Just some thoughts from my past few days' of people-in-the-program stuff!

Ken33xx

As far as making friends in AA I recommend going to meetings held in an AA clubhouse if possible. Almost all have a few couches, TV and a snack bar. Usually they have meetings running all day and I can almost guarantee you`ll find at least one chatty Cathy: the guy or gal running the snack bar.

Reprieve

Good comments, your whole post is very good and I agree with what you say. I am still learning about life and myself in these rooms and I sometimes need to strengthen my boundaries or look at how I act when I am lonely. Things like that.

Also agree about the gender issues, which can get very murky very quickly. Mixed messages and cat and mouse games can wreak havoc with people's emotions and the biblical adage to "guard your heart with all your might, from there flows all of your life" is extremely true. Good boundaries makes good recovery, if I may paraphrase Robert Frost.

TigerLili

I haven't found much friendship or support in AA. I spent a year or so with the service commitment for tea/coffee/snacks at a weekly meeting and when I had to resign the position because I moved three hours away, not one single person has called me, texted me, emailed me or responded to my calls, texts or emails.

I have been in and out of AA since 2008 and I can count on one hand the number of times someone has called me or checked in with me. I made a friend and we used to go to meetings together but she lost her mind and and started behaving really erratically and ended up in a psych hospital.

I have 2 friends that I met through other avenues who were already in AA. One has about 12 years sober and I heard nothing from her when I contacted her asking for some support when I relapsed. The other friend is in another country and has been sober in AA for over 20 years but I haven't told her that I've relapsed.

I will say that once I gave up my weekly commitment, my relapse was close on it's heels. I am not giving up on AA because it certainly helped me have sober time, but I don't expect people to reach out to me at all. I need to find another regular meeting and take a service commitment, but a lot of the groups around here won't let you even put out the tea and coffee if you have less than three months sobriety.

Gottalife

I think this thread shows we can put unrealistc expectations on the fellowship, and people in general. We seem to forget that the fellowship is not what gets us sober. We were beyond human aid, and what is the fellowship if it isn't a bunch of humans.

When I arrived in AA, they were THE ONLY people who would have anything to do with me. I didn't know anything about any of them. In the room were all, sorts from doctors to murderers. They all made me feel welcome and forming a deep and meaningful friendship at that time just wasn't required.

Then they told me how to recover. Find a sponsor, one person I could have confidence in, and work through the steps with them to get my own relationship with God, which would solve all my problems. Other than pointing the way, the fellowship played no part in that. All the work was done one alcoholic with another, away from the meetings. And that work allowed me to rejoin the human race, where all my interpersonal needs are met.

If I wanted to do AA by osmosis through the seat of my pants, just sitting in meetings and avoiding that work, then I guess I would be looking to AA to fill all those other needs, and I think I would be sadly disappointed. AA has nothing to offer in that regard.

Ken33xx

Common courtesy goes a long way:

Don`t give out your telephone number if you aren’t going to take the other persons calls.

Don`t act like you`re their best friend if you`re just interested in sponsoring. Or worse get upset when they aren`t receptive and then give them the cold shoulder.

miamifella

Is this serious? I have never seen anything like this in a clubhouse.

Ken33xx

Yeah, it`s serious. Almost every clubhouse I`ve been to over the years I`ve noticed the person behind the snack bar likes chatting.

When I don`t know anyone I grab a coffee and ask the guy behind the counter what`s going on.

They`ve always got something to say and before long someone else walks over who usually knows the snack bar guy.

I listen a bit and then I might join in and say a few words. Depending on the time there`s often plenty of activity.

When traveling my first choice for a meeting is always a clubhouse. It`s easy to hangout before/after a meeting when there`s a snack bar, TV and a few couches.

And how can I tell a meeting is in a clubhouse or something similar? When searching online for meetings if I notice a number of meetings at the same location during the day/evening that's a good indication it's a place where I can hangout.

Tommyh

if you want a good friend,you have to be a good friend

tomsteve

love and tolerance of others is our code

miamifella

I have only been to about 15 clubhouses, but I have never been to one that had a TV. What you are describing sound more like a hang-out spot than a clubhouse for meetings.

The thing with clubhouse is that if you get there before the chair (who usually is the one who has the key) the discussion between people waiting on the sidewalk while waiting is so much more open and warm than when you all are sitting inside. Same for afterwards when everyone goes outside so the place can be locked.

Somehow when everyone is standing, there newcomers and oldtimers seem to be on a more equal footing. Literally and figuratively.

24hrsAday

it sure should be!

Ken33xx

It doesn`t matter if it`s a clubhouse or not. It`s a place to hangout before/after a meeting where you can have coffee/snacks and chat.

It has nothing to do with equal footing or who is a old-timer and who isn`t. It`s about trying to start or join a conversation when you don`t know anyone.

August252015

This made me laugh- wish we had a snack bar! Just a tiny area with the coffee stuffs and one table where people sometimes put treats (always sweets, ha!) We, too, do have couches and armchairs upstairs, and several patios and porches outside.

And Chatty Cathy's in abundance - curious to see whom I will run across at today's holiday mtg and cookout!

Also, the common courtesy thing. Indeed - take numbers if you are interested in communicating and following up. This just might mean different things with different people; kindness should govern. We are all struggling; I can be a different kind of friend to different people. Keeping that perspective is important.

2muchpain

In theory, yes. John

miamifella

I know that this is not exactly on topic, but I am curious how common these clubhouses where you can hang out before and after meetings are.

A few my sponsors would have had heart attacks over this kind of clubhouse. This kind of place would seem to be an effort to make AA/NA/etc into something more social.

sugarbear1

We have about 5 clubhouses that I know of near me!

miamifella

We have a huge number of clubhouses in Florida. But they do not have lounges. Most are just storefronts. Someone unlocks the door before a meeting and locks it afterword.

If a meeting is not in progress, you cannot just hang around.

2muchpain

Most of the meetings I have gone to have places where people can hang out before or after meetings. One just had chairs outside the meeting. Another one had a picnic area with picnic tables. Another one actually had a room with a TV, couches and a pool table along with a kitchen where people would cook stuff up sometimes. Besides the social aspect of this, many people during the meetings may have questions they would want to ask somebody that can't be done during a regular meeting. So catching someone after a meeting to talk about something that was said at a meeting is important. John

2muchpain

Really? That surprises me. I live in Florida and I see people hang around the meeting place before the meeting. The place I go to has a nice deck in back that people socialize before and after the meeting starts. I think some people work with their sponsors there.
Also, the place I mentioned earlier that has a separate room with TV, pool table, etc., is in Florida. I guess every town is different. John