One Year and Under Club Part 38
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Silver Spring, Maryland
Posts: 198
hello all,
I haven't been on here much in the last year, but I would like to be more active on this site. I just got 10 months on August 23, I feel great and cant believe I am sober. I am very grateful for everyone on this website support for so many years. Just wanted to say hi!
I haven't been on here much in the last year, but I would like to be more active on this site. I just got 10 months on August 23, I feel great and cant believe I am sober. I am very grateful for everyone on this website support for so many years. Just wanted to say hi!
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Welcome, Fitness! 10 months is huge! I'm working on 9 myself.
Carlos, your mention of Percocet caught my attention. Due to accidents and chronic pain, I found Percs as a common alternative to alcohol. That is, on nights when I wasn't drinking I would often take a Perc instead. After I quit drinking I found myself taking Percs almost daily for a few weeks and then threw my last five doses in the trash. It was clear I would take them whether I was in pain or not.
Your comment about following a program and spirituality hit home, too. I'm kind of on my own path (rather than saying I'm doing AA or NA or in rehab), but I did a lot of reading and started mindfulness and meditation shortly after I got sober. Practicing breathing, compassion, gratitude, awareness, and appreciation for those small things that are actually huge (like the full moon last night breaking through the clouds after a glorious rain) have changed me for the better. I have my moments, no doubt...two steps forward one step back...but in general I'm just much more positive and happy I survived my epic ordeal.
So, yes, percs and alcohol are related, but relapse is about not having the tools, and maybe sometimes just forgetting to use them. There is a reason that when I was introduced to opium at age 17 I went Jean Cocteau style deep. Withdrawal was rough that summer when my source was cut off because I had to go back to living in my skin. Meditation and mindfulness are helping learn to feel comfortable in my skin perhaps for the first time since...I'm not even sure...since I was molested? Thrown down the stairs? Watched my father beat the crap out of my sister?
People interested in substance abuse prevention often ask - why do people want to get high? The corollary of this is - why do people NOT want to be clean or sober? So when the AV starts talking I turn it around and think about what is happening with me at this moment that makes me want to change how I feel. I close my eyes. Breathe. Do a body scan and find the places where my mind manifests discomfort in my body. Anxiety is tightness in the skin. Frustration is a lead ball bearing between my eyes. Depression is an emptiness in my chest. Anger is a fire in my upper spine. Sometimes I'm just physically in pain. Regardless, by breathing and identifying the source of why I DON'T want to be clean or sober, I am able to take the power away from the AV because I see through the charade.
Then I am in a position to address the source of my desire to feel differently. Why am I sad? Why am I anxious? Maybe I'm not even sure, but I know what I'm feeling and I have alternatives. I don't have to drink to feel better. I don't need a painkiller.
I love my inversion table, BTW. I'm careful not to overdo it or hang too steeply. Just a gentle angle hanging upside down takes pressure off my spine and flows blood to my head. Combine that with a body scan and some deep breaths and it doesn't take long to get a handle on things and move on with my life.
I don't know about other people, but I've come to view my AV as a friendly reminder to do a body scan and determine why I don't like how I'm feeling so I can make better choices.
Maybe this makes sense to some of you?
Carlos, your mention of Percocet caught my attention. Due to accidents and chronic pain, I found Percs as a common alternative to alcohol. That is, on nights when I wasn't drinking I would often take a Perc instead. After I quit drinking I found myself taking Percs almost daily for a few weeks and then threw my last five doses in the trash. It was clear I would take them whether I was in pain or not.
Your comment about following a program and spirituality hit home, too. I'm kind of on my own path (rather than saying I'm doing AA or NA or in rehab), but I did a lot of reading and started mindfulness and meditation shortly after I got sober. Practicing breathing, compassion, gratitude, awareness, and appreciation for those small things that are actually huge (like the full moon last night breaking through the clouds after a glorious rain) have changed me for the better. I have my moments, no doubt...two steps forward one step back...but in general I'm just much more positive and happy I survived my epic ordeal.
So, yes, percs and alcohol are related, but relapse is about not having the tools, and maybe sometimes just forgetting to use them. There is a reason that when I was introduced to opium at age 17 I went Jean Cocteau style deep. Withdrawal was rough that summer when my source was cut off because I had to go back to living in my skin. Meditation and mindfulness are helping learn to feel comfortable in my skin perhaps for the first time since...I'm not even sure...since I was molested? Thrown down the stairs? Watched my father beat the crap out of my sister?
People interested in substance abuse prevention often ask - why do people want to get high? The corollary of this is - why do people NOT want to be clean or sober? So when the AV starts talking I turn it around and think about what is happening with me at this moment that makes me want to change how I feel. I close my eyes. Breathe. Do a body scan and find the places where my mind manifests discomfort in my body. Anxiety is tightness in the skin. Frustration is a lead ball bearing between my eyes. Depression is an emptiness in my chest. Anger is a fire in my upper spine. Sometimes I'm just physically in pain. Regardless, by breathing and identifying the source of why I DON'T want to be clean or sober, I am able to take the power away from the AV because I see through the charade.
Then I am in a position to address the source of my desire to feel differently. Why am I sad? Why am I anxious? Maybe I'm not even sure, but I know what I'm feeling and I have alternatives. I don't have to drink to feel better. I don't need a painkiller.
I love my inversion table, BTW. I'm careful not to overdo it or hang too steeply. Just a gentle angle hanging upside down takes pressure off my spine and flows blood to my head. Combine that with a body scan and some deep breaths and it doesn't take long to get a handle on things and move on with my life.
I don't know about other people, but I've come to view my AV as a friendly reminder to do a body scan and determine why I don't like how I'm feeling so I can make better choices.
Maybe this makes sense to some of you?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Good morning undies. Sorry I haven checked in since saturday. Got busy with family stuff over the Internet weekend and work yesterday. Hope everyone is doing well.
I started skimming over the thrreads, but owe you guys more attention than that. I'll get caught today. Until then, I hope everyone is well and congratulations on all if the milestones reached since I've been gone.
Ill check in later. Stay strong all.
I started skimming over the thrreads, but owe you guys more attention than that. I'll get caught today. Until then, I hope everyone is well and congratulations on all if the milestones reached since I've been gone.
Ill check in later. Stay strong all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
Good morning, Undies. Happy to be checking in and reading your posts. I enjoy them a lot.
Today I will attempt to finish off some of the hat project for my daughter. She loves the hats I make for some reason and wanted some new ones for this winter. LOL!
Enjoy your day.
Today I will attempt to finish off some of the hat project for my daughter. She loves the hats I make for some reason and wanted some new ones for this winter. LOL!
Enjoy your day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,960
Welcome Fitness1234. Hi BoozeFree, Saskia, and Altoids!
Zero - That is such an interesting way that you've changed your "AV" from a trigger to use to a trigger to be more aware of what you're feeling. I struggle with anxiety, especially when I'm driving, to the point where I have a phobia of driving on the highway. Talk about giving way too much power to a feeling. What I like about meditation is that it teaches us to simply experience our feelings, rather than judge them as good or bad, and remind us that we don't actually have the power to summon particular feelings on command. I am not comfortable in my skin because of childhood pain - emotional stuff, not physical stuff, and I wonder if my "anxiety disorder" is a tantrum from petulantly demanding that I trade my discomfort for peace?
Have a good one Undies!
Zero - That is such an interesting way that you've changed your "AV" from a trigger to use to a trigger to be more aware of what you're feeling. I struggle with anxiety, especially when I'm driving, to the point where I have a phobia of driving on the highway. Talk about giving way too much power to a feeling. What I like about meditation is that it teaches us to simply experience our feelings, rather than judge them as good or bad, and remind us that we don't actually have the power to summon particular feelings on command. I am not comfortable in my skin because of childhood pain - emotional stuff, not physical stuff, and I wonder if my "anxiety disorder" is a tantrum from petulantly demanding that I trade my discomfort for peace?
Have a good one Undies!
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Hi guys. Going hard honest on ya today.
"The corollary of this is - why do people NOT want to be clean or sober?"
The truth is: why do people WANT to be sober? Most don't. Under the influence is preferable. It's just easier. Sweeter.
Until you realize it's going to kill you.
Most people drink all their life and never suffer from it. Some of us will die from it. I don't want to die from it.
But sometimes I'm not sure. That's the nature of my beast. I may be happier dying from drinking. Scary, huh?
"The corollary of this is - why do people NOT want to be clean or sober?"
The truth is: why do people WANT to be sober? Most don't. Under the influence is preferable. It's just easier. Sweeter.
Until you realize it's going to kill you.
Most people drink all their life and never suffer from it. Some of us will die from it. I don't want to die from it.
But sometimes I'm not sure. That's the nature of my beast. I may be happier dying from drinking. Scary, huh?
Working-cl*** pseudo tough
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by trachemys 
The truth is: why do people WANT to be sober? Most don't. Under the influence is preferable. It's just easier. Sweeter.
.......
But sometimes I'm not sure. That's the nature of my beast. I may be happier dying from drinking. Scary, huh?
Being sober sucks in a myriad of ways:
- I have to deal with emotions and stuff
- Everyone is annoying, especially drunks
- Not drinking makes me irritable and short tempered as I'm still not dealing with emotions and stuff in a healthy way
- Emotions and stuff make me short-tempered
- Pretty much everything makes me short-tempered
Like you turtle-man, I am still working on my new life. Just over 60 days in, this hasn't been a cakewalk. But, as long as I don't drink, at least I have a chance to find out what the new life will be like.
The old one was certainly not headed in the right direction. It was only a matter of time before I was alone, in jail, dead, or any combination of the three. I've worked hard my entire life to get away from the crap childhood I had, and was willing to flush >20 years of hard work for what? A buzz? A hangover? A divorce? A DUI? Seriously?
Lying, f'ing alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 261
Hi guys,
I had a very interesting night. I went with my mother-in-law to see a special painting that has been touring everywhere, now in North America.
Tradition has it, that the original image, that this painting represents, was painted by St. Luke on a table that was used by the Holy Family.
I've mentioned here, before, how I just love religious art. It relaxes me and just puts me at ease. It gets me out of my head, which I have especially needed, lately. Anything that I can do, right now, to help my mind from spinning , is a good thing.
It was nice to spend time with "Mum", as well. She's been such a good person in my life. She has been instrumental in saving my marriage, and saving my life. I kinda like having her around.
Big congrats to flynbuy on 3 months. Very cool!
I hope all the undies are staying strong. I send prayers your way, every day.
peace.
I had a very interesting night. I went with my mother-in-law to see a special painting that has been touring everywhere, now in North America.
Tradition has it, that the original image, that this painting represents, was painted by St. Luke on a table that was used by the Holy Family.
I've mentioned here, before, how I just love religious art. It relaxes me and just puts me at ease. It gets me out of my head, which I have especially needed, lately. Anything that I can do, right now, to help my mind from spinning , is a good thing.
It was nice to spend time with "Mum", as well. She's been such a good person in my life. She has been instrumental in saving my marriage, and saving my life. I kinda like having her around.
Big congrats to flynbuy on 3 months. Very cool!
I hope all the undies are staying strong. I send prayers your way, every day.
peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 2,294
Great posts today... you all continue to inspire and amaze (and entertain too) me.
Being sober is not for the faint of heart. I agree Sparky, it sucks. It opened up a lot of emotions for me. It made me confront weakness, vulnerability and reality... none of which was pretty. It made me evaluate relationships and stop or reduce contact with people I now see as toxic. I realized how lost I was, how it had ruined so much. I lost my liquid security blanket.
After my 17 months, I see it as difficult, yes... and necessary. Paraphrasing a 12 step prayer, I am not were I am going to be... but not where I used to be.
As a drunk and addict, I was not heading in the right direction. I was heading to death. I sincerely wanted to die a horrible, violent and very public death to show you all.... something.. not sure what now... my pickled mind knew, but I think the thoughts have vanished. I would not have died happy, I would have died sad and miserable.
Thanks Undies for your continuing support and inspiration!
Being sober is not for the faint of heart. I agree Sparky, it sucks. It opened up a lot of emotions for me. It made me confront weakness, vulnerability and reality... none of which was pretty. It made me evaluate relationships and stop or reduce contact with people I now see as toxic. I realized how lost I was, how it had ruined so much. I lost my liquid security blanket.
After my 17 months, I see it as difficult, yes... and necessary. Paraphrasing a 12 step prayer, I am not were I am going to be... but not where I used to be.
As a drunk and addict, I was not heading in the right direction. I was heading to death. I sincerely wanted to die a horrible, violent and very public death to show you all.... something.. not sure what now... my pickled mind knew, but I think the thoughts have vanished. I would not have died happy, I would have died sad and miserable.
Thanks Undies for your continuing support and inspiration!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,189
Hi Undies,
Happyfeet, so nice to see your thanks button pop in. Hope you decide to post again some day soon. For sure, we miss hearing about you!
Not sure how it is where you reside, but here, where I live, 2600 ft., leaves have turned and are falling, the night air is brisk, sweatshirts are out (had my PITT hoodie on yesterday), even needed about 15 minutes of heat when I woke up. WTF, summer is over. Based on my isolation, it wasn't the best of summers...but, it sure made me realize how much more difficult this 6 month stretch would have been if I had to have serve it in the cold and winter.
Zero, loved your post! It offered a myriad of suggestions for helping me achieve my daily goal of peace and serenity. If I had to live my life fighting an urge to drink - I would just go ahead and get drunk. (Note To Self), Wait a minute...that's exactly what I had been doing.
I do remember when you were taking those perc's in limerickland. I even wrote you a limerick about my plight in response. Never molested, just pitched a handful of gravel through the car window in the face of the a-wipe perv that made a pass at me in his Lincoln Continental. The last day that my mother had custody of me in 9th grade, she chased me with a kitchen knife as I broke through a second floor screened window on to a roof to escape. Haha, thank goodness for a warm day minus AC and that window had a roof! Just one of many stories surrounding that crazy lady.
I've had therapy for years and I'm sure her antics were the subject on more than a few occasions. However, nothing was working, because my last 8 month run with drugs and alcohol was just pathetic and filled with sadness. Plus, I was drunk dialing my sister to mf our mother...at least that is what sis has told me; and I had never done that previously in active addiction.
I did turn the corner with her and my father the day I surrendered to being powerless to my addiction. Not only did I surrender, but just prior to that I took 100% ownership. So crazy, no therapist ever called me on the carpet. It was a random dude I met following my 5th AA meeting. He told me I drank because I was an alcoholic and I wanted to more than I didn't. With that REALLY HEAVY WEIGHT of blaming other people, places and things finally lifted, I was, within a few days, from my heart, finally able to forgive her for what she did...not what she did to me. Now, when I drive past her final resting place I actually think of her smile in a good way and say, "Hi Mom."
So, with my heart in the right place and spiritually fit for it, I just let all the pain go. I gave it away, don't know who took it quite yet...but it was someone, or something much more powerful than I will ever be. That was a freedom that I had never ever experienced before.
I cannot wait to test your corollary/contrarian process on my next dilemma. I just hope it works better that a book a friend gave me to read some years back -The Contrarian Investor.
Sparky, good show on realizing how absurd it sounds to flush away the many blessings in your life. I'm living proof (haha, that's actually a miracle)that all of those things you mention will begin to fall like a house of cards and before you realize it...poof, there gone. Also, contrary (for you Zero) to where that low was, I stuck around long enough for the miracle to begin to happen and now many days can be so bright that I just gotta wear shades...seriously!
Happyfeet, so nice to see your thanks button pop in. Hope you decide to post again some day soon. For sure, we miss hearing about you!
Not sure how it is where you reside, but here, where I live, 2600 ft., leaves have turned and are falling, the night air is brisk, sweatshirts are out (had my PITT hoodie on yesterday), even needed about 15 minutes of heat when I woke up. WTF, summer is over. Based on my isolation, it wasn't the best of summers...but, it sure made me realize how much more difficult this 6 month stretch would have been if I had to have serve it in the cold and winter.
Zero, loved your post! It offered a myriad of suggestions for helping me achieve my daily goal of peace and serenity. If I had to live my life fighting an urge to drink - I would just go ahead and get drunk. (Note To Self), Wait a minute...that's exactly what I had been doing.
I do remember when you were taking those perc's in limerickland. I even wrote you a limerick about my plight in response. Never molested, just pitched a handful of gravel through the car window in the face of the a-wipe perv that made a pass at me in his Lincoln Continental. The last day that my mother had custody of me in 9th grade, she chased me with a kitchen knife as I broke through a second floor screened window on to a roof to escape. Haha, thank goodness for a warm day minus AC and that window had a roof! Just one of many stories surrounding that crazy lady.
I've had therapy for years and I'm sure her antics were the subject on more than a few occasions. However, nothing was working, because my last 8 month run with drugs and alcohol was just pathetic and filled with sadness. Plus, I was drunk dialing my sister to mf our mother...at least that is what sis has told me; and I had never done that previously in active addiction.
I did turn the corner with her and my father the day I surrendered to being powerless to my addiction. Not only did I surrender, but just prior to that I took 100% ownership. So crazy, no therapist ever called me on the carpet. It was a random dude I met following my 5th AA meeting. He told me I drank because I was an alcoholic and I wanted to more than I didn't. With that REALLY HEAVY WEIGHT of blaming other people, places and things finally lifted, I was, within a few days, from my heart, finally able to forgive her for what she did...not what she did to me. Now, when I drive past her final resting place I actually think of her smile in a good way and say, "Hi Mom."
So, with my heart in the right place and spiritually fit for it, I just let all the pain go. I gave it away, don't know who took it quite yet...but it was someone, or something much more powerful than I will ever be. That was a freedom that I had never ever experienced before.
I cannot wait to test your corollary/contrarian process on my next dilemma. I just hope it works better that a book a friend gave me to read some years back -The Contrarian Investor.
Sparky, good show on realizing how absurd it sounds to flush away the many blessings in your life. I'm living proof (haha, that's actually a miracle)that all of those things you mention will begin to fall like a house of cards and before you realize it...poof, there gone. Also, contrary (for you Zero) to where that low was, I stuck around long enough for the miracle to begin to happen and now many days can be so bright that I just gotta wear shades...seriously!
Working-cl*** pseudo tough
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by DrakeCKC
As a drunk and addict, I was not heading in the right direction. I was heading to death. I sincerely wanted to die a horrible, violent and very public death to show you all.... something.. not sure what now... my pickled mind knew, but I think the thoughts have vanished. I would not have died happy, I would have died sad and miserable.
Regardless, as one survivor to another (and the many others here) a tip of the hat to still being alive!
We made it guys! At least to another day.
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