SherylB

Hi:
I'm new here and am just looking for some support. My husband of 11 years (15 years together) left my daughter (age 9) and me 3 days ago and I can't stop crying. I feel so low and he won't correspond with me anymore. I haven't corresponded since 2 days ago because he said he stresses out when he talks to me and wants to relax for a change.
This is a person who is unemployed and spent the whole day smoking and drinking in our garage. He suddenly decided that I've treated him like "****" for years and he needs to get sober and get his f'd up life together (his words). He went to another state to live with his step mother and the duration of his stay is based on his expression "we'll see how it goes".
I just can't get over the fact that he left me high and dry out of the blue and even said he can't afford to help me with the mortgage next month because his car payment is several months overdue (which we were putting off until after our bankruptcy goes through and were going to pay it back a little at a time).
Anyway, I'm giving way too much information I think. It's just awful to keep feeling like crap. I'm hoping to hear from people who have had a similar situation and how they got through the pain. It's just unbearable...like a sword in my heart.
Thank you to anyone who can give me advice.

lillamy

Hey,
I'm on the run but just wanted to let you know that you will find people here who understand.

The thing that came to my mind immediately is that regardless of what he says, this is not about you. He's not drinking because of you and he's not leaving-to-sober-up because of you.

It's all him.

And the fact that he's scared and wants to figure his life out may actually be a very good thing.

Either way - I understand it must be a shock for him to just leave like that. I hope it means somehow that you and your daughter get a bit more peace and quiet.

BoxinRotz

You should file for child support. If he's serious about getting his f-ed up life together, he won't have an issue with it. His child needs to eat n love don't put food on the table.

spiderqueen

Hi Sheryl,
I am so sorry for the awful pain and shock you are in. I know you feel abandoned and lost right now.

However, based on the above quote, your husband had already abandoned you and your daughter. His carcass was just out in the garage, rotting away.

He is not acting like a loving, supportive partner - or even someone who can reasonably take care of HIMSELF right now.

I hope for you and your daughter that he will take this time apart to get himself together, and figure out how his life tanked, and how to start re-building it. But whether that is the case, or he just wants to drink alone and unmolested, you can take this time to begin to rebuild your own life.

I am so glad you reached out to us here, and I hope you will stay with us; read all the great background information listed at this top of the page under "stickies", maybe find an Alanon meeting and check that out - find some counseling for yourself and your daughter (we have low cost family therapy in my area, available on a sliding scale if money is tight).

I felt abandoned by my XA as well, though I did the leaving. It helped me to realize that until/unless he finds a way to take proper care of himself, get sober, get his s*** together, he's just a burden and liability, not a partner.

Take care of yourself, we're here for you.

Ruby2

Sheryl, I am sorry you are going through,this. Regardless of your husbands actions, you are probably very scared about your financial situation. Are you working.outside the home? Is your husbands car in his name?

Keep posting here. I can't really give you advice. But this can be a lifeline.

SteppingStone

Hi Sheryl,

I am so sorry for the situation that has brought you here and I am also glad you found us.

I recently joined too (Oct 2013) for similar reasons to your own. I felt betrayed, cheated, desperate, depressed, lonely, etc after my partner of 5+ years walked out on me & my daughter (from a previous relationship), almost 7 months into his recovery. I never thought it would get better. I appreciated the advice from everyone on here but I didn't think it would work for me, however, just 2 weeks after joining & approx. 5 1/2 weeks after he walked out, I am beginning to smile again.

I have attended online meetings & after taking guidance from people here, I have learned a lot about myself and the affliction of addiction and you will too because you are not alone. I know you must feel like your world has ended but in actual fact, it is just beginning on a new journey. It's amazing how many people you see here that are going/have been through the same as you and they survived so please take their guidance, they know what they're talking about.

You will hear the 3 C's being mentioned a lot here:
You didn't cause his addiction
You can't control it
You can't cure it

And it's true. Let him go and work on his own recovery and use this opportunity to start on yours. You have a precious little girl there and you are her world so you need to be strong for both your sakes. However, he does have to contribute for his daughter so I agree with BoxinRotz, you need to file for Child Support.

Ask yourself this: Do you really want HIM, or do you just want a close, loving relationship? Someone told me to ask myself the same question 2 weeks ago and it really got me thinking.

You will get through this and we are here to help. I know its difficult and you are going through a lot of pain at the moment but you do get stronger with each day that passes.

Try Al-Anon meetings, online meetings, therapy..........anything that may help because its about you and your daughter at the moment. And keep posting here. Read other people's stories here...........even read how I have progressed in 2 short weeks by clicking on my name to the left and selecting 'Find all threads started by SteppingStone'.

The best revenge is living well. I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me.

((Gentle Hugs)) to you and your daughter.

EnglishGarden

It is a very common pattern. Alcoholic husband, bitter and grandiose and full of resentment toward the world, makes his wife the target of all his bitter discontent and grandly walks out on her, telling her that she is the real problem in his life, and that it's time he got away from her controlling ways, and that he's going to "take a break" and "go improve himself and his life" because "this marriage is just not worth it."

What he really does is he finds more space to drink, more friends to drink with, and more excuses to keep drinking.

And then, right on the money, he shows up again. On the phone. In the email. At the door. "Let's talk," he says. And what he really wants is to be mothered, and because he hurt his wife so much, and she feels so terrible about herself, and because she is so grateful he is giving her a "second chance", she lets him back in.

Within days he's drunk on the couch. She is filled with rage and depression. He starts collecting all those resentments again. And things blow up. Again.

This can go on with some couples for a lifetime.

He left you because you are in the way of his reaching for the next drink.

If you get some counseling or go to a support group, you will clear up about what is really going on and you will not feel that sword in your heart anymore.

It is alcoholism.

SherylB

Here it is 4 am and I actually got a few hours of sleep without crying. My mom who has dementia and lives down the street (who is still living alone) just called me in a panic and woke me up, unfortunately. That's another stressful thing I'm dealing with right now, but not the worst. She was lonely. Now I truly understand how she feels.
I've been happily reading all of your posts and when they come in, it's like I'm opening a present. I'm starting to be able to talk about it without tears, but the nights continue to be tough. He was in the bed with me every night and now I have my daughter there with me. It feels so strange yet comforting for both of us. My bedroom is the toughest place, though. What used to be my sanctuary is a reminder that life is changing so much.
He has been emailing my daughter a little every day, but has not once asked her about me and I know I should let it go, but it still cuts like a knife. He told her yesterday that he's "doing well!" when she asked him that question and that he went for a long hike...something he wouldn't have thought of to do with us. So, that brings me to what seems like a pathetic question. Is it possible for him to actually quit drinking for good when he drank 6-12 (or more) beers a day? I really don't know how much he drank because I stopped caring a long time ago. I thought that was part of what detachment means. I think the question is pathetic because I feel that if he is able to stop drinking without my awfulness (is that even a word?) around him, will he and his family now feel justified that I truly was the cause? I know you're all reiterating that I'm not and I get that, but could I have played a part? We were up and down all the time. I grew to hate him and resent him while at the same time feeling completely and hopelessly "addicted" to him and the marriage. It just really, really sucks to be in this place right now. I feel guilty because I know my problems aren't nearly as bad as others, but I just can't help these overwhelming feelings of despair that well up in me. And the pain of being totally ignored by him and feeling like he wiped my memory from the face of his world is killing me.
Thank you to all of you who are so compassionate yet blunt at the same time. I need all of it. Bring it on. I need all the help I can get. I want to feel like I'm a decent person again, not someone who supposedly ruined another person's life for 15 years.
I'm just so extremely lonely and empty right now. It sucks to feel this way and I want it to go away. I met with a counselor who specializes in addictions last week and am going to Alanon in a few days, so I'm really trying to get over this. I just wish he would at least contact me. The way he left me so sudden in an angry, blaming manner is so hard. How the heck can a person do that and not feel bad about it??? I don't get it.
Okay, I'm going to end my pity party for now. Thanks so much to all of you who responded to me! I've been reading your responses over and over. They mean so much to me.

Seren

Please....don't feel guilty for posting here and asking for support. You deserve to feel what you feel and have been treated very poorly by someone who is supposed to love you.

The angry, blaming alcoholic is something we have probably all experienced at some point or another whether from a spouse or child or parent. But that anger isn't something you have to internalize--because it's not about you, really. I think many alcoholics are just angry about everything because they are so miserable and those they love are just convenient targets.

I hope that over the next days and weeks, you can figure out your own best plan forward. One that has your best interest and the best interest of your child at it's heart. Please come here and vent and ask questions as much as you need to!

EnglishGarden

My experience is that alcoholics enjoy hurting people. One way an alcoholic husband does this is to give his wife the silent treatment. It is intended to give him a feeling of power and control, to give him the high of being one-up, and to punish her because she has expectations (sobriety in the marriage) which he resents on a deep level.

When you feel pain about his brutal silence and absence of interest, it keeps the alcoholic in a position of power over you. This is why it is very important to learn about patterns in the alcoholic marriage. The Al-Anon brochure "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial" really nails this pattern of abuse in the alcoholic marriage.

And alcoholics are always always always about the LOOK GOOD. They will always say they are doing great, after they walk out on their families, and this is, again, a very subtle but effective form of abuse, to keep the wife in pain and to keep her under his foot. The wife starts to believe she really was the cause of his discontent and that she really is a complete and total disappointment and that if not for her, he would not have had to drink to deal with his life.

This is all brainwashing. It is very very powerful. It can destroy the spouse. I mean that quite literally.

You are up against something very powerful and deadly--alcoholism in your most intimate life--and you have to continue seeing that counselor and going to those meetings for many months, because it will take you a long time to see things as they really are. The alcoholic is quite effective in controlling his spouse's emotions and thought processes, and the detox from that control takes months of work by the spouse.

Your story is the classic script. The classic alcoholic relationship and the devastating personal effect it has on one's ability to carry on with life.

You are going to get better. You are.

Him, very little chance. Maybe. But much less likely. It is what it is.

You will get better as long as you make recovery your number one focus for the next two to three years.

If you stop getting help, you will react to your situation in unhealthy ways, your thinking will be distorted, and you will find yourself either in constant chaos with him or you will draw to your life another unhealthy man who creates chaos and pain.

If you commit to your recovery, you will find your sanity, your backbone, your Higher Wisdom, and you will be emotionally present to your daughter, who is the innocent victim in all this. She will have a better chance of being okay if first you get okay. And even then, she will likely need some counseling, for what she feels about all this and its effects on her, she will not tell you. Counseling for you and for her can save you both from the effects of being abused by a husband and a father; the worst form of abuse is always that which comes from someone you needed the most.

amy55

[QUOTE][QUOTE] I feel guilty because I know my problems aren't nearly as bad as others, but I just can't help these overwhelming feelings of despair that well up in me. And the pain of being totally ignored by him and feeling like he wiped my memory from the face of his world is killing me.



This really jumped out at me because I know that feeling. I was also treat like I didn't exist. I had a "runner". Everything was my fault, if he could only get away from me, he would be happy. (lol)

Not true at all. Sure when he would "run away" from home, he was running away from responsibility and for awhile, he also ran away from himself. He could try to pretend he was someone that he wasn't, but soon enough his brain caught up with him, and he became the same miserable person, then came back to me for me to make it all better for him.

The "running away" was progressive also. First it was overnight, then turned into a weekend, the to a week, a month, 2 months. He then would come home and expect a heroes welcome. Couldn't understand why I would be upset, afterall, we weren't fighting all that time. (lol). Thats only because he wouldn't communicate with me, or take my phone calls !!!!!!

When you said that you grew to hate him and resent him ---- I'm right there with you on that one. I always wondered why if I felt that way, then why would I want him back home. Maybe I was addicted to marriage, maybe I was afraid to be alone, I do have a fear of rejection and abandonment, or maybe I just wanted to be acknowledged, like I existed, that I was a person, and that maybe in some point of our life together that he did love me and that I didn't waste over 27 years of my life.

Just know that it isn't you, it is him. It is totally unbelievable that anyone can act like that.

I also remember the times that he was home. I was always walking on eggshells, afraid to say anything that might set him off. When that happened, and he did stay, he gave me the "Silent Treatment" for months at a time. Only time he talked? to me was to rage at me. I actually didn't even feel that bad when he raged, because at least he was acknowledging that I existed. (Sick)

Can he quit drinking while he is on his "retreat from you?" Doubt it, and least I know mine didn't . Mine came back blaming me for his bad mood when he drank around me, but when he was with friends drinking, that he was happy, so again, it must be all me.

He dumped a lot of stuff on you, (his issues, not yours), try to let them go, and give them right back to him.

You know that you are a great mom, wife, person. You know you aren't trying to make his life miserable, he is doing that all by himself.

Just wanted you to know that I went through this and I do know how you feel.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

and welcome to SR

peacesoul

I don't have much advice but wanted to share my first thought, and that was jealousy. I wish my AH would leave to another state.
Many months ago when I realized the depth of his addictions, I do remember the heartbreak, at least a few weeks of extreme emotion. I called it my divorce diet, lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I am still elbow deep but working on getting out of the situation as much as possible (we have a child so there's a lifetime connection). Stay strong for you and your daughter, it's a long process to rebuild who you are.
EnglishGarden is right on, all classic A behaviors and classic suffering by those closest.

newme2013

I had a somewhat similar thing happen to me. My stbxah one day told me he was leaving. He was done with the marriage. He didn't care what happened to me. He didn't care if I ended up homeless. He stopped paying the bills but unfortunately didn't leave until I was finally able to get him out with a restraining order when he turned violent. He insisted I was the source of all his problems and as soon as we got divorced he would stop drinking and his life would be perfect. He had also started seeing another woman that he insisted was the perfect woman unlike me. Alcoholics always think the grass is greener on the other side.
I was devastated. I had no idea what I was going to do. To make matters worse I was laid off from my job shortly after he left. It has been nearly a year now since all this happened. I had serious financial struggles but I survived. I was close to eviction a few times but it never happened. I also realized I am much happier without him. It is so wonderful to have peace in my home after years of chaos living with an A.
Of course he did not stop drinking without me. The new woman turned out to be not so wonderful and after that relationship ended he begged me many times to take him back. Despite being employed the entire time we've been apart he has spent many nights sleeping in a car and still does not have stable housing. And just like he said he didn't care what happened to me, I no longer care what happens to him.
I know it is devastating at first. You will get over it and you will be fine. Eventually you will find that life without him is better than you can imagine.

Pamel

I post here rather sheepishly because I am the A who has caused my devoted bf a lot of pain. He has spent much time in our relationship dealing with my addictive behavior and truly, he should have kicked me out long ago. He didn't, though, and is reeling from the last "power outage" on my part. That said, some clarity of vision has come over me and I am working very hard on my sobriety and on doing things to make my situation less of a burden on him. Will it last? I don't know, (any A who promises that he/she is "recovered" does not understand the situation) but I AM trying and it is posts like yours SherylB that help me to remember the chaos I have created. You have given me extra strength today to keep working toward the person I feel I am, have been in the past with long periods of sobriety, and will be in the future if I stay sober one day at a time.

All of that said, Sheryl you are dealing with an active addict and the only thing you can do is fortify your own life. If he becomes a sober person, then you will be stronger to access whether or not to try to rebuild a relationship.

To EnglishGarden above: "My experience is that alcoholics enjoy hurting people."
I don't believe this is true, but when we are active we hate everything, including ourselves, causing much pain and wreckage. The only thing that counts is the next "fix" or drink. I am all too aware of the Hyde fighting with my Dr. Jekyl. Today the Doctor is in control. One day at a time...

huntingtontx

I want to add my two cents worth. I think you are blessed with a child that loves you and also that your ah left. That was a blessing. You may not believe it now, but life will be so much better without the alcohol and the blame. This is the beginning of your new life, and I wish you and you child well. Take her out and have a good time just enjoying life. You may have to fake it at first, but the joy will come. A walk in the park, window shopping, zoo, the list is endless. Try to focus on you child, and let your mind and heart heal. I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Pamel

Nods to peacesoul above; when I had long-term sobriety I found that A-husband #2 had been cheating on me for most of our 12-year marriage. (Lost 20#) but I finally got a divorce. It was a horrendous time, however I can say i have been on the OTHER side of the fence too. I guess that is why I seek help in reading the Al-Anon view of things.

Twill

I can relate as well. My best friend is such a big part of my everyday life. He flipped out 2 weeks age after starting with wine at 10am. By evening, he suddenly snapped and stated telling me how bad everything in my life is, how bad I raised my kids, what bad advice I give people, etc.(its a thread in this section called, my best friend just flipped out"). The point is that you miss him, even if he was in the garage, and you miss the 'good' times, and just like any break-up, there is an empty space in your heart. Whether its a sibling, a friend, a parent or a spouse, we cry because we hurt. We hurt because we love someone more than they loved us. In any relationship, the one who loves least, controls the relationship.

SherylB

I'm so overwhelmed in such a good way when I read all of your responses to my posts! I've actually started smiling and my house is beginning to feel less bleak. I love to read everyone's point of view and to hear about your similar situations. It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not crazy or responsible for this madness. Thank you to all of you!!!
English Garden, I started reading some of your other posts and they're so educational. I have a brother who is a former (probably active) drug addict/alcoholic and I truly believe he has narcissistic personality disorder, so reading your post about that topic was very interesting. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Pamel, thank you so much for having the courage to post here to the families of addicts. Your response made me cry. I could not believe my pain could actually had a good effect on another person. That was amazing for me to read.
I love this site and am so thankful I stumbled upon it one night while crying uncontrollably. I almost didn't sign up because I thought it was only for those who had addictions, but something forced me to do it. You people are all very beautiful! It's incredible to me that you took time out to write to me, so I want you all to know how much I appreciate it!

SherylB

Hello again! I forgot to ask all of you what to say and/or do when he finally decides to contact me or "visit" (his word) with our daughter. I don't have a clue in the world how to react and frankly, the thought of it happening scares me. I tend to be over-emotional, anxious, and defensive, so
I want to avoid the drama as much as possible for my daughter. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Again, you all are the BEST! Thank you for reading this!

amy55

I honestly don't know Sheryl,

My children were older so when he would run away from home, he would contact them direct and he made plans with them. I do know that I never got this one right, because I just couldn't, I was always wrong.

If I had a do over (really not wishing for one here) but I would put on an emmy award worthy performance. Total detachment !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Phone call, I would just say, let me check the calender and see if that is a good time. If he just dropped by, or came home, I would tell him that I was just on my way out. Would act like his disappearance meant nothing at all to me.

Stay around, you might get better answers from other people that were/are in this situation.

For now I will while I also await answers for this situation. I never knew how to deal with "crazy".

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))