dandylion

Sheryl---I'm sorry about the disappointing phone call with the attorney. You got a run-of-the-mill attorney.

PLEASE CALL THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SUPPORT LINE NUMBER. They can guide you to legal counsel that understands that you are in an abusive situation. (you do qualify for this help).

Don't wait for an epiphany!!!!!!!!!! Keep going toward the help. Living with ongoing abuse distorts your thinking and self esteem and self confidence. As you start getting support and get away from the abuse in your daily living environment--you will get a clarity of mind ---that you can't possibly have, right now.

Make the phone call......

dandylion

don't forget---we have got your back.

dandylion

hopeful4

I had a free consultation with an attorney just last week. He was wonderful, sat w/me for over an hour giving me advise and answering questions as fast as I could ask them. I offered to pay him, he refused.

As around, there are better attorneys out there!

Hugs...

LightInside

Hi Sheryl,

I just want to reaffirm that you are NOT CRAZY. It's very easy for codependents to start to believe that we are. Alcoholism is a family disease, so in the progression, we get sick too. So we're sick, yes; crazy, no. What you are going through is grief. It's grief that you could deny and put off a long as you had the security/illusion of commitment. You have also been abandoned by someone who supposedly had committed to you. I wasn't even married to my X, but that commitment of having a child together and all that he had implied earlier in the relationship apparently meant more to me than it did to him. I keep trying to write you a response, but it will have to be piecemeal because I have an 18 month old who needs attention. Just know that you are going through things that so many of us have either already gone through or are going through right now. It might not be typical for the general population, but it's typical for those of us affected by alcoholism.

LightInside

Something else you are going through is kind of a "fight or flight" response. That's why you're having trouble sleeping. Your brain sees this as a threat to your survival, so it's sending out all of the neurotransmitters and stress hormones that it would if you had to get away from a lion in the jungle or whatever. This is why many of us have that low appetite and weight loss. For me personally, I could not digest my food thoroughly, so that contributed to the weight loss even though I tried to eat enough. It took me about 3 months to stop feeling a burning, physical pain when I think of the rejecting things my ex said and did, for my digestion to normalize, and for me to sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time and to be able to fall back to sleep when my toddler wakes me to nurse. I hope it doesn't take you as long. Do you know about the cycle of grief? If you look up the name Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, you can learn more about that. A therapist can teach you about it too. I can say more about it, but don't want to say stuff if you already know.

SteppingStone

Sheryl,

The only 'problem' you seem to have had was him! I used to think I was to blame too but that's what they have a knack of doing to us - they make us think we're crazy! I am new to this so there are probably a lot more people on here with more experience & knowledge but I think it IS more your co-dependency rather than craziness, which I am learning about myself too. Yes you need help but its this kind of help you need, like the rest of us because we are all suffering the effects/after effects of the disease.

It really does help to get it out and to speak/write about it as it can drive you mad if you keep it all in. I have said the same thing a million times that if one of my friends told me the things I tell them, I'd be the first person to say 'Get rid of him!' but that's because they are 'fresh' eyes looking in. They don't have the feelings and the good memories to blur their vision like us so it makes it harder for us to have the same view.

Always remember you are not alone so keep posting & reading.

(((Warm Hugs)))

fairlyuncertain

Any domestic violence hotline will have resources you can contact for legal advice about the process of separating from, or divorcing, in this situation.

One thing that really opened my eyes (and it's been a slooooow opening, I'd say) was when someone on SR recommended googling "mosaic threat assessment," an online questionaire designed by the author of 'the Gift of Fear." It asks great questions, and gets to the heart of how safe a relationship is.

I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering, and yet in your wonderful writing, I see a lot of clarity, and hope. I think you'll do just fine!

Ruby2

Hi Sheryl. You are not alone in porn addicted husbands. Mine is. Same as you he would be up late and I would be too tired. And frankly, I didn't want to after all the trust evaporated. Hard to get feelings of intimacy when you don't trust or fear the guy.

As for visits with the kids. My AH and I were separated for about six months. He was staying out of state. When he returned he had actually gotten sober but I was feeling vulnerable. We made arrangements to meet him at a park. Or McDonald's. things like that. Neutral territory.. My mom came with me the first time we did this but it could be any supportive adult.

Talk to a different lawyer. The one you spoke with isn't typical. If you are in al anon you can ask around to see if someone might have a recommendation.

As for finances. I think you said you were paying his car insurance. Is your name on title? If it is you should continue to make payments. If anything happens you could be held liable.

Stay strong. You have amazing support here.

SherylB

Hello beautiful people who care so much and offer thoughtful responses and advice! I wanted you to know that I've been continuing to read your responses over and over through this crappy journey and each one has helped me in some way.

I didn't respond to the famous email until today. He sent me a text yesterday that said "Are you going to respond to my email?" I deleted it. It felt good. However, today he sent another email saying "Hello?" that had the original email forwarded below it. (He's so profound, isn't he? He really is a man of a thousand words. No wonder I was so attracted to him.)

Luckily, I recently reconnected with an old male friend of mine who is a great dad (they do exist). He convinced me that I should take the approach of giving him what he wants for now for my daughter's sake since she misses him so much and needs to see him. So, I figured I'd do the opposite of what I would normally do (per the amazing EnglishGarden's advice), which is to send him long crazy emotional texts. Also, my thinking is that you get more bees with honey than vinegar like my mom always said. So, one crazy person like me would think that this father's main goal was to see his daughter right? I mean, why else are you desperate for a response? Well, hell to the no! (My teenage niece taught me that expression.) Turns out, that wasn't the goal at all. Surprise surprise. (Actually, I'm serious here. It truly was a surprise. Everything he says and does now still shocks me.)

So here's what I wrote. (Some of you will be pissed at me for being so nice, so I apologize ahead of time.) "**** misses you very much and it would be great for the two of you to spend some time together. We have plans on Saturday, but if Sunday works, you can hang out with her or take her to the park, etc. She'd love that. You can get your stuff any time you want. I haven't mailed anything yet, but if you can't make it this weekend, let me know and I'll pack what I can and mail it." (By the way, it killed me to say I'd mail his stuff, but my friend said to suck it up and that he'd pay for it for me. Plus, I was going to put the receipt in there with a note requesting reimbursement. Stop laughing, ladies! It can't hurt to try.)

Here's what he wrote back. (Brace yourself for the eloquence.) "Yeah it wont be this weekend, i am going hiking again with ******" (****** is his oldest daughter, age 25, who he abandoned at age 9)

At this point I respond articulately with "K" because my thick head with a dry brain just came to the ugly realization that 1. he only wanted his "stuff" or 2. he only mentioned visitation with our daughter to get me agitated OR 3. the whole damn email was an attempt to get me upset. Period.

Here's his response: "If u could send my hat and gloves and boots, that would be great"

And that was it from him after I respond with an emotional "Yup".

Damn. Now I'm stuck having to mail his crap just because I'm a person who keeps her word. What the hell is wrong with me??? And, seriously...did he only want his stuff or was he trying to control me...still? I'm not really sure. My friend thinks he did it to hurt me no matter how you look at it and I have to agree.

So I come home and you'd think I'm so over this crying crap, but nope. Now I'm back to feeling like the poop on the bottom of his shoe again. It's just sick the way this whole thing works, but thanks to all of you, I now understand what's happening to me and why I'm so damn distraught over a creep who hasn't spoken to his daughter in a week. I hate him for doing this to us, but I'm not quite in the angry grief phase yet. For some unknown and annoying reason, I'm still stuck in the sad phase and cry when I think of him, hear a sad song, see our wedding picture. I can't wait until I want to throw up on it all. Please tell me I'm going to get there...and tell me I'm not maimed for life...please? God, give me strength.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I can't wait to read your thoughts. )

LightInside

Oh, I think you will get there Sheryl. You'll be angry. For me it feels better to be angry than depressed. It's a cycle. That means you get to do each phase several times! Yeah! r When this break up first happened in my life, I absolutely went into shock and denial. I was like, "I'm gonna make my life so much better! Yeah! Whatever. He'll change his mind and come back when he realizes how stupid he's being." Then my skin would literally burn when I though of things I read that he had said to women on line. I had these ideals I decided I needed to live up to right away so that I could interest him I me again. It's slow going, but I'm gradually accepting that he isn't going to come back, nor do I truly want him to. Still, I miss him. I get sad. I get depressed. I literally felt like i would rather die than go through this pain I felt worthless. It's amazing how we can simultaneously want and bee repulsed by oUr A's.

I got to this point where I would ask my self if I had anymore tears or sadness that needed to come out. I have, but some days it's very light. Then suddenly, a week and a half ago, I hit the non stop crying and moping again. Today seemed more angry again. So glad to be done with another round of sadness. I don't expect I'll be done anytime soon, but it hurts less with each trip through the cycle.

LadyinBC

You ARE a decent person. Speaking as an alcoholic we ruin our own lives, we do it all on our own. When engaged in our addiciton we are manipulative, mean and hurt those that love us the most. We are selfish and make everything all about us. We want you to look after us, pity us and because we feel crappy, well, we want everyone around us to feel crappy too. We have horrible egos sometimes.

You did not ruin his life, he did it all on his own. You will get there and you will make it. You will come out of this stronger than you ever could imagine. Don't give him that power to let him ruin your life too.

amy55

Good Morning Sheryl,

I'm going to pick answer #3 The whole d@mn email was an attempt to get you upset.

I think your replies were fine. Actually, I think they were good enough to keep for when you head to court for custody issues. You weren't giving him a hard time, offered him a date to see his daughter, he turned it down, and didn't ask about a different time.

Gotta tell you though, you are not poop of the bottom of his shoe, I think it's the other way around. He is poop on the bottom of your shoe. You are a very gracious, classy lady. I have a few adjectives for him though ---- arrogant, self-centered, cold, )($%&()_%$#$%^(), _______________(fill in the blanks, or choose your own. He is showing you who he is, and how life will be if he does come back.

Your grief stage right now, is that you are trying to give up on your fantasy.

Just continue to be the classy person that I know you are, and no you didn't ruin his life for the last 15 years, he did that all by himself.

SteppingStone

Sheryl,

I did a similar thing with my RAXBF. We decided to have NC (no contact) then a few days later, he got in touch and asked if I would like some company and, as the loneliness can be so difficult, I said yes! He ended up coming over and staying the night. Well........the following day he said 'we need to talk'. I knew what the 'talk' was going to be and sure as hell, I was right - he said he shouldn't have came over the previous night and, in order to concentrate on his recovery, we needed to stick to the NC approach. I agreed, reluctantly, and, like you, I felt that I was right back at square one with the tears, the sleepless nights, not eating, etc.

However, I said that, in order to stick with NC, I needed to sell the van that I bought for him (he said he'd find a job & pay me back yet 6 months later, I have had no money!) The vehicle is in my name so he agreed that I would take photos and advertise the vehicle....................this still hasn't happened and he slowly started calling, texting & coming over occasionally. I know I should say no but its so hard when your lonely & hurting BUT I can't help thinking he's just doing it so that he can keep the van a bit longer as it makes his life easier.

I do think NC is the best approach, though as I think I would be further on in my recovery, hard as it would be initially. I know it's different for you as he is the father of your child but if a regular arrangement could be made so that he could see your daughter (and providing he stuck to it), I think it would be better for you and its YOU that's important.

I think you are being too nice by posting his things but well done on staying calm!

One thing I do know is that this site and the experiences, encouragement, hope & guidance of the people here IS helping and I am very grateful for that so I would say to you Keep coming back, you're not alone!

Love & Serenity xx

LightInside

I was totally falling asleep last night when I wrote my last response. I want to also say that I personally needed to fall apart and be a mess before I could build myself up to any sort of amazing ideal that I have for myself. I think one of my lessons in this is learning to love myself while I'm a heap of injured, codependent mess before I try to be anything better. And I have been told by certain lovely people that already am pretty amazing.

thislonelygirl

What a piece of crap!! Sorry but what a sorry excuse of a husband and father!
This burns me up . it's bad enough he probably put yall through the ringer with his drinking problem but there's no end to the bs. my gosh, even his sobriety is a selfish load of garbage. btw your obviously going through so much and i have no experience to share but i wish you the best. I can tell you this after those tears come and go wipe them away and remember......he's the unemployed selfish dead beat drunk and anyway you cut it he can run but he can't hide. Guilt , karma,regret, Child support.....let's just say these things don't stay buried.

shil2587

Exactly this just happened to me too, yesterday. I am in pieces. We didn't agree NC though, but I am left dsperately hoping he will follow the pattern and come back. I was never happier than with him and I truly pray that he will get some stability in his recovery and come back. I know that is probably wrong. But right now, that is what I want more than anything and I need to feel way, I think. For now. But along the way, I have had to get rid of anything that smells like him (ironic how I used to hate the smell of vodka, lynx and cigarettes but now I absolutely love it...).

Buy new bedsheets, clean down the sofa, whatever it takes to make your home yours again. Even in my current state, I find it helpful to reclaim my home.

SherylB

Hello everyone! I hope all is well or at least reasonably well. I went to an Alanon meeting last night, but it wasn't my very first. I went to two of them in prior years, but just never felt comfortable. I love talking to people at the end of the meeting, but it just seems too structured for me and I don't like how I can't chime in and ask questions of the person when he/she is speaking. And...it really made me cry. I thought I was doing really well and feeling strong yesterday, but when I got there, all I did the whole damn time was cry. It didn't help that I had to read some exerpts from an Alanon pamphlet. They passed it around the room and each person read from it and frankly, I didn't feel like talking at all, but didn't want to be rude about it. I felt like I was on display too since I was the "newcomer". They were all very nice ladies...don't get me wrong...I just didn't feel like I fit in. I just don't want to waste my precious time with my daughter to go sit in a room and feel uncomfortable. It might make sense to other people, but maybe it'll never make sense to me. What do I know, though? Am I even capable of making that decision since I'm only going on what my "feelings" tell me? I agreed to go to at least 6 meetings, so I'm going to commit to that, but if I don't begin to feel a sense of community, I'm not going to stay. I will try my best, though, because everyone here seems to value it so much.

Are there some people who just can't get into Alanon or am I just making my own opposition to it because I'm in denial and don't want to face it? I'm going to my second counseling session tonight with a therapist who specializes in addictions, so I am trying to get the much-needed help for myself, but honestly I'm not sure I can see myself going to these meetings. Also, my poor daughter had to get to bed really late last night because it ended at 9 and by the time I picked her up from my sister's house and got home, it was almost 11 when she finally fell asleep! She's so exhausted and run down that she woke up with a bad sore throat this morning. I had to give her medicine and send her to school for a few hours. I'm hoping she'll be okay, but I just had to get a few hours of work in myself.

God, this whole thing sucks. To the person who said my husband is a piece of crap, I say YOU'RE RIGHT ON! It is unfathomable to me that a person can just walk out on his wife and daughter like that and express no sense of remorse or caring. My good friend said he is devoid of feeling and doesn't know how to love because of his illness and that he completely shut down in order to do let go. I guess I believe this now, although he was always telling me he loved me, so I'm still having mixed feelings about that and am still racking my brain about the reason. I know I shouldn't, but the damn blame thing is so conditioned in me that I can't get it out of my thick head. Anyway, you've all heard that before. It's sickening to me and embarrassing too that I continue to blame myself for being a nasty, rotten wife who treated him like **** for years (his point of view). I know it takes time and eventually a lightbulb will explode in my brain and I'll finally realize I'm lucky he left, but for now, the light is still burning...not as bright as it was before, but is still glowing in there somewhere. Ugh. Life is full of unfortunate events and circumstances, isn't it? I guess in the end, it's how you handle things that will determine your fate.

Thank you all for listening and always offering thoughtful wisdom and advice or just letting me know you understand what the heck I'm talking about. No one gets it unless they're in the thick of it like us.

Hammer

You make completely clear and perfect sense.

ohhhh, now THAT is scary, huh?

SherylB

Just took down my wedding photo and other photos of him that are in my office at work. This may be premature, but it's clear to me now that even if my AH did come back, it would never work because I'd never trust him to never do this again. AND, do I want a man who could just run away and leave his family without any contact? Alcoholic or not, it's still WRONG. I should have known he'd do this to me. He did it once, he could do it again. They always say that about cheaters. Well, I think it rings true in this situation too.

I have begun to tell people about it. At home. At work. Random people who happen to mention something that might apply. The shame I felt is gone because the shame is his, not mine. I didn't do anything so egregious to warrant this. Sure, I was a witch at times, maybe didn't embrace his family (since I hardly even had a relationship with HIM...What did he expect?), gave him the silent treatment, was too tired and/or disinterested in sex (beer drinking, intoxicated smokers are not particularly sexy or pleasant smelling), didn't communicate well (resorted to teenage texting behavior due to fear of his ugly, angry side coming out), but nothing that would make a rational, normal human being do to another.

Having low self-esteem and the savior complex is my excuse for marrying this guy. That's all I have. I have to blame something. No matter what grief I'm experiencing, though, the joy that came out of this union is my beautiful, creative, smart, outgoing, funny daughter with long blonde curly hair that everyone compliments her on. (He's blonde and I'm brunette with curls. She got a little bit of both of us.)

So, I guess fate led me to this place and now I'm supposed to work my way out of it in a positive way. I'm being tested and I'm going to strive to receive an A+ when it's all over. I wish the same for those of you who are in a similar situation.

By the way, I'm feeling positive right now, but don't be surprised if I come back having regressed a bit. I have a feeling this is a sick cycle that doesn't end easily or turn out too positive. I'll be back in either case. Take care all of you lovely people!

LadyinBC

SherylB do they have other Al-Anon meetings you can go to? Sometimes you have to go to a few different ones before you find the right group of people. And you certainly do not have to talk if you are not ready to.

Stay strong and post here whenever you need to. The peeps in the family forum are great and you will get lots of support here.

firebolt

Oh Sheryl you are doing JUST FINE given your circumstances. Hang tough - stay angry for a while - grieve - embrace those waves of positivity, and then sadness. It is all part of the process of letting go and moving on to a much, much brighter future. We're here with you, we understand, we empathize!!