amy55

Sheryl,

I'm here, I'm listening. No that is not normal behavior, not at all. I remember this one time I went out to the garage, he followed me, so I went back into the house through the front door, he was right behind me. I was shaking, I feared him at that moment. I got away from him and ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. He followed, I wouldn't let him in, he kicked the door opened, and was trying to tell me that he wasn't going to hurt me and that I should not be afraid of him.

You didn't bring this on yourself. You AH is also abusive. Please let us help you with this. You can talk to us. We do love you and care about you and your daughter.

I would also suggest that you call the Domestic Violence hotline. Everything is confidential, they don't know who you are, but there are a lot of services that they can offer to you.

If your mind is just swimming right now, and you can't think or concentrate, know that is normal. I really am glad that you posted here, and I think you might be feeling that you can trust us.

I'll be here for you. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Twill

What we believe is love, overrides all common sense. Love is such a powerful emotion, people kill for it, abandon thrones, give up inheritance, etc.. Remember, you love him more than he loves you. He loves the bottle more than you.

EnglishGarden

The alcoholic usually circles back when his fantasy of the "good life" crumbles in the cold light of day. But it can be months, even years. But usually, yes, this is the pattern. Especially for the unemployed alcoholic.

Twill is right. He will be willing to risk losing everything but the bottle.

MissFixit

hey the behavior isnt normal. violent,cussing, berating and walking out on wife and kid isnt normal. however, active a's and dry drunks do it frequently. will yours return? for your sake and your daughters sake i hope not, but sometimes they do. it tends to be when their new gig isnt working out for them and they want the safe place they had before. they use said safe place for a while and then move on again when it suits them. selfish jackasses dont care who they hurt.

btw that is pretty important about him doing it before to wife and kids qbout urs age. he has established a pattern of walking out on his wife and kids when doesnt get his way. majorly abusive and controlling.
read lundy bancroft's "why does he do that."

Twill

That is why they say hindsight is 20-20. When we love someone, we become blinded. It is not just alcoholic partners, it is any relationship where the other person is controlling, manipulative, narcissists, or is carrying a lot of baggage that distorts reality. We love them unconditionally, forgive them, and want to NOT desert them. Later on, we see the reality. In the limbo stage, as you are still, we are torn from wanting to hold on to the distorted love we have for them and letting go. It is so hard to let go!

SherylB

Hello again and thank you all for helping me through this. I'm so mad right now because I was finally getting some much-needed sleep until something woke me up. I can't fall back asleep and the first thing on my mind when I woke up was the email. I keep reading the damn thing as though it's going to change somehow and make everything better again. Or, I somehow try to read through the lines. What does he REALLY mean by those words? Then I look around my bedroom and feel empty and unloved again and keep remembering him in the bed with me. It's not like a lot of action happened here, but it was nice to have someone there every night. We hadn't had sex in a long time and he was always blaming me for that, but he was usually in the garage too late and by the time he came upstairs, I was asleep or too tired because I had to go to work the next day. Then he'd end up passing out pretty quickly and the loud, obnoxious snoring would begin. Even if I wanted to have sex, it's not like I felt comfortable in my own skin anymore. Somehow I became more insecure with my self and my body as the years went by. So now when people tell me I'll "find someone else" because I'm pretty, all I can think is that I'll be alone forever because they don't have a clue about how I'm so scared to ever be intimate with someone that way again. I thought I'd never have to be with anyone else and didn't want to. I would have been loyal until the day I died. I always thought he was loyal because he was usually home in the garage, but there were times when he stayed out all night with his alcoholic friend and I wondered. However, it was unlikely since the two alcoholics would go to the casino and gamble away the night. Getting the gambling fix was the main attraction, not finding another woman.
Btw, since I'm wide awake now, I might as well share that he turned to porn to survive the no sex situation, but he liked it even before we got married, so I knew that was just an excuse. However, it didn't make me feel any better about myself when I woke up one morning at 3:00 and found him in the garage watching a LIVE woman taking her clothes off in front of him on the computer. I figured out later that there was a website one could go to in order to do that. Weird and sick in my opinion. But I forgave because he was embarrassed and apologized.
I always forgave him for everything he did (even getting a bj from a prostitute in a room at a strip club ) and now here I am at 3:30 in the morning wondering what the heck I did that was so bad to warrant him walking out on ME! Why the hell can I NOT stop obsessing about this? Is it part of my codependent personality or am I truly nuts like he says I am and need to get help with my "problems"? I know that's surely going to elicit lots of responses and I can't wait. I love it when you all talk to me. Reading your thoughts has been so incredibly therapeutic already. I just wish I had you wonderful people NOW...in my dark and lonely bedroom...to help me see the light again. It's easy to slip back again into my pity pajamas. I hope one day I'll stop this insanity once and for all. I'm so sick of feeling abnormal.
Bring on your wisdom and blunt words now. I shared all that stuff so you can tell me how much of an a$$hole he was and how lucky I am that he left me. Why the hell doesn't my brain believe me when I tell it that same thing, though? It must be the commitment to marriage thing because there's no other valid reason for it. Unless I really am crazy... I'm so ready and willing to get off this crazy train. I know now that I have no choice, but why the hell do I have to feel so bad in the meantime? Make me stop, please!
Sorry for going on and on, but I think I may have helped myself a bit by writing this all down. I'm wondering how I lasted as long as I did. If I read this from someone else, I would be feeling bad for the woman, yet wondering why the hell she'd put up with such a terrible guy. I guess that's what I'll be finding out from this day forward. God, please help me to fall back asleep. Sleep used to be one of my favorite things to do in my cozy bed. Now I dread the night because sleep is tough. I guess I'll go count sheep...maybe that'll work...

amy55

Hi Sheryl,

I'm still here with you. I couldn't sleep tonight either. You are not crazy!!!!! Get that out of your head. Will post more on this, but wanted to post this quickly in case you are still awake.

SherylB

Yes, still awake and glad you're here!!! The loneliness is so damn unbearable and it's windy and creepy outside. I just don't feel "safe" anymore if that makes any sense.

amy55

You're right. Journaling or just writing things down somewhere, will help a lot. It makes you feel less crazy once you start to tell people about it.

My ex didn't do the porn stuff, maybe in a way he did, but not much, he still made me feel uncomfortable with my own body. He always insulted me. I was either too fat, too skinny, my breast were too small. Called me frigid, told me I should go find someone, even if it was another woman. I am divorced now for almost 3 years, and I can't even think of being with another man. It's like, why would I want to?

amy55

I hear you Sheryl, it's windy over here also. I think we are in the same time zone, it is now 4:28am here.

I can understand when you say that you don't feel "safe" anymore. It's really strange sometimes, that no matter how bad the marriage is, we somehow feel "safe", then they leave, we feel alone and "unsafe". It's probably because our self-esteem just got beat up, and we get to the point that we don't feel good enough for anyone.

SherylB

Yes, I'm in CT...not too far away from you. I'm so glad to hear that you understand me. That's the best part of this place! People actually get me! I hate it when people would tell me to just leave him. They never understood what it's like to be married to an alcoholic and I sure didn't either until I kept reading everything I could about it. And even then, I still didn't leave.
I can't believe it's been 3 years and you haven't been with anyone either. I'm 47 and fearful that I'll be too old to even want to try to find someone else. However, I bet he's online looking now. That's how we met. Gag me.

SherylB

Oh and about the sex thing, surprisingly he complimented me all the time about how hot he thought I was. He never insulted me like most of these men do. He would compliment my clothes every day and my hair and eyes and always said "love you" when he hung up the phone. So, despite all the other sh!t, he wasn't typical in that respect, I guess.

amy55

Hey, I'm 57. Had a phone call from my mom today, and she wants me to get back out there and find a husband !!!!!! (lol) I asked her why does she think that I would want another one of those??????

These marriages with alcoholics and people who are abusive, they are hard to explain to anyone. It's the push and pull thing all the time. It's like they tell us we are unlovable, and we have been with them for so long, we just want them to take that back. Just for them to tell us that we are worth it.

Good news though, my mom was widowed at 50, found true love at 76. We still have time !!!!!!!!!!

SherylB

Wow, that's awesome for your mom! I feel like I'm not attractive enough to even capture someone's attention and again, the sex thing...oh, gosh no. It scares me to death. I can't even imagine going on a date with anyone else. I can see how you wouldn't want to either. You were married so much longer than me.

amy55

Just bumping this, and Sheryl it was nice to talk to you before.

EnglishGarden

I'm glad you had support overnight, Sheryl. You are at a profound turning point in your life.

Your further details about your husband's treatment of you makes it clear that you are a battered wife. You may not have ever realized it. But you are. So you will need some professional help. I also am concerned about your daughter, being in a home where emotional and physical violence has been happening. She needs some help, too.

You can seek out a professional counselor today, or you can call the Domestic Violence support line at 800-799-SAFE and speak to someone and then from there go to counseling. You need more than a one hour weekly Al-Anon meeting because of the extent of the abuse.

Someone mentioned the Lundy book, perhaps you can download that today. It is "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". (I think that's the correct title, someone may need to correct me here). The book discusses overt and covert battering, addiction in marriages, narcissism, and the mind control a batterer has over his wife.

The cycle of battering is described as "The Stockholm Syndrome" and if you google that, you can read about this psychological prison a woman finds herself in. It may help you understand better why you long for the return for someone who is so cruel to you and so damaging to your child as well.

It is important to forgive yourself, to have compassion for yourself, because wives of abusers--alcoholic or not--are always isolated and then beaten down mentally by the abuser. The wife withdraws from others in shame, in lack of confidence, or because she does not want to "upset" the abuser by inviting others into her life and home. So he maintains complete control: of her, of the home, of the children.

Sheryl, do not let this man back into your home. You have been given the gift of freedom, at least for now, so you need to use this freedom to get yourself some help right away. And, in regards to your sexuality or any intimacy with him or any other man, I would suggest you take a year of continual one-on-one counseling before you enter any intimate relationship.

dandylion

Dear Sheryl, I wish to reinforce the words and wisdom of EnglishGarden. Many of us, here, have been in your shoes---we understand how you feel and our desire is to help you through this. I understand that you have abandonment fears and that your biggest fear is of being "alone".

You will immediately start to feel better than you do now as soon as you connect to others who can be trusted to support you and who will not abandon you. We, here, at S.R. will not abandon you. You can trust the Domestic Violence workers, alanon, your lawyers. Just reach out your hand and let these people grab it.

SHERYL--this is vital: You are a battered wife; you are living in abuse--and it isn't your fault and you aren't crazy and you do not deserve this!!! He is completely in the wrong. Abuse is always wrong.

The fastest, safest, easiest way to get the help that you need is to call the Domestic Violence support line that EnglishGarden gave you--1-800-799-SAFE. You will find these people very easy and understanding to talk to. The deal with this every day and their only goal is to help you. They have all the services that you need, right, now, at their fingertips.

Sheryl, make that phone call today--so you can start feeling better, right away. For starters, they can arrange the lawyer and someone to talk face to face with you. They will work with you--and, not force you to do anything you don't want to.

You don't have to answer that e-mail, right now. It would be best that you begin to sort yourself out, before you take any further actions.

You are going to work through this--just like millions of women before you.

Please continue to post.....I am glad that you reached out for help here. A great first step!

We have your back.....you are not alone.

dandylion

hopeful4

I am so sorry you are going through this. I said in another post earlier that addicts are sneaky creatures and I stick by that. I believe they know we are codependent and that they do things to try and keep the upper hand.

Now is a time for you to focus on YOU. You cannot control his behavior, but you certainly can control how you react. Don't sit home and be sad, accept that he is working on him (hope that is true, don't hold you breath), but more importantly by his actions he has given you the opportunity to work on you. Attend alanon or Celebrate Recovery. It sounds like things were not so peachy. I have found that regarding my AH it is the idea that I love. I love the idea I have a great marriage and father to my kids (but in reality I don't). I hate the thought of not be married and being a divorced mom. I hate the drinking and emoationally abusive behavior that comes with it. If he needs that he is gone because I hate that behavior more than I love him and have told him so. I now listen to my head, not my heart.

Take a good hard look at the situation. It may not seem like it now but it is quite possible he has done you a big favor in life. A long term relationship with an addict is no picnic for you and certainly not for children. Hopefully for all of you including him he will do what he is saying and recover from this disease. You cannot control that, but you can certainly recover from it and what it has done to you and your family.

Be Strong! ((HUGS))

SherylB

Thanks to all of you, especially Amy who was up with me last night and helped me get through the sleepless night.

The jerk texted me today since I didnt respond to his email: "I sent you an email". That agitated me for a second, then I deleted it and laughed to myself that he's probably wondering what the heck I'm doing. It's not like me to ignore him. I'm a textaholic and even though he hated it, it was the way I was able to communicate without fear of a big blowout.

Per your advice, I called an attorney but she said she can't give me legal advice unless I file for divorce. I kept asking her question after question but she said she couldn't help me. I was pretty disappointed about that. I still don't have a clue how to respond to him about his "things" and a "visit" with our daughter. And money needs to be addressed too. I pay for the a$$hole's car insurance and cell phone. Since I'm not in angry revengeful mode yet, I'm afraid to cancel it. Tell me if you think I should though. You ladies give me incredible strength!

As for the abuse issue, I do agree that I experienced abuse and I already do have that Lundy book. I bought it years ago when he was really bad. He went on Lexapro and the bad temper and physical stuff didn't come out much after that. They didn't go away, but they were few and far between. However, I used to say I wish he would die so I could be free of him, so I have to get to a point where I feel lucky to have him gone. I can't wait for that epiphany. Why the hell am I not near that point yet?

AnvilheadII

I suggest trying another attorney.....usually there is a free "Q&A" session allowed before you decide to hire the attorney. the sooner you have legal counsel the better. then you will know your rights and each step you take will be to your advantage. knowledge is power.

have you had the locks changed? good security, windows that lock securely and all that? can't hurt. he IS an abusive man. period. and thus cannot be trusted. he has nothing to offer you but more of the same, pain and misery. no one deserves five minutes of that type of treatment, much less the years you've endured.

you won't get over this in a week, or a month. it's going to take time. counseling would be very beneficial. a safe place where you can find yourself again. put things in perspective.