Obladi

Coincidentally or not, I just had a call from a friend I speak with a few times yearly. Almost didn't answer, then reminded myself to "quick, do the right thing."

Ten days and the AV doesn't like it one bit.
Too bad.

I'm off to make some sausages and kraut.

BixBees505

Man, I relate to that avoidance. I have frozen out so many friends and relations by simply hiding from them. Geez. Good work, Obladi.

Obladi

Taking that call was a big deal.
Everything personal has felt risky for at least a couple of years, so I'll take that as a small victory.

I went shopping yesterday at two stores that are particularly overwhelming for me. In retrospect, not the best choice. I think nurturing myself is a better choice for now.

Obladi

Decided to the a pass on the sleeping pill last night; thought I might not need it and am wary of forming an addiction to another substance (though pills have never been an issue for me, still want to be cautious). It was fine - I only woke up in the middle of the night (twice) because my daughter came home (twice).
Yay. I feel like that was a little victory.

The sausage and kraut turned out great and as I made split pea soup the previous day, I have meals for the week. The slow cooker is a wonderful invention.

Sailed through Day 10 with nary a hitch, which is a bit surprising to me. It certainly didn't hurt that when my daughter was leaving for work and said, "Are you going anywhere tonight?" I tossed her my car keys and said, "Nope."

I'll be on my own devices coming home from work, of course. And that's a good thing. While I'm mighty lucky to have help, I know it's important to be responsible in my own right. Planning for that drive home needs to start now.

It's past time to get presentable for work, so off I go.

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 10

Obladi

Ok, so maybe sausage n kraut and split pea soup shouldn't be my staples right now - my digestive system is rioting!

Anyhow, will be driving home directly this evening. No stops for nothing.

Obladi

Arrived home last night to find my sobriety workbook and cross stitch kit had arrived. Started reading the workbook; first exercise is about how to recognize that I have emotions and the next is predicated on the fact that I now know I have emotions.

Very disappointing. I bloody well know about emotions and am far too emotional in general. Staying sober keeps that in check somewhat; drinking brings it out to an extreme. So please don't prod me to "feel" more - that's the whole problem, fer cryin out loud!

Ah, well, I'll take a look at the other book I purchased - perhaps that will be more useful.

In the meantime, simply keeping up with the house and making sure I am accessible/available and accountable to the girls seems to be as simple as it gets. And simple seems to be the best fit for the time being.

fini

love hearing about the effort you're making, Obladi, and how the "little victories" are adding up. knowing the right thing to do and then doing it (the phonecall taking) has been such a positive in my life. i don't think i really had acknowledged how often i simply couldn't be bothered or ran away, even from a myriad of what now seems such small potatoes.

potatoes: yes, slow cookers. bought one not too long ago and just keep cooking and experimenting. root vegetables with a bit of olive oil, balsamic vinegar and brown sugar today. yum!

i'll suggest you not throw the workbook out

the emotion-thing might come in handy later.

Hevyn

I agree with keeping it simple early on, Obladi. You've been through a lot - be kind & patient with yourself as you heal.

Delfin

I just read your entire thread, Obladi, and it sounds like you're making good progress. You're a great writer too, btw. You reminded me of all the machinations and distractions I worked out to keep myself from drinking the first few months. Though I never told her, my daughter was a part of it too. Played lots of board games and there was a lot of shopping. Gonna have to pay off all that credit card debt now. Anyway, it does get easier, happily.
If you're into exercises, I'd recommend the Smart Recovery tools. They work off the theory that we have emotions and already know it. Lol.

Cheers,

Delfin

Obladi

Whelp, I went off the rails again last weekend. My eldest daughter came over Monday to deliver an ultimatum, after which I offered that I would do Intensive Outpatient. She found that to be an acceptable compromise and I started Thursday.

There's lots more to say/think about that, but the antabuse seems to have made me extremely fatigued. Maybe later

Dropsie

Obladi,

We have all been there, it takes time realise that never means never.

I have loved reading your posts, which show me that you can do this.

Dust yourself off, and don't get down on yourself -- it just feeds the AV.

You can do this; I can feel it.

Obladi

Having seen how very serious my eldest was with her ultimatum and how far removed my middle child became after this last episode, I went for an intake appointment Thursday afternoon. The counselor explained that this was an eight week program, starting at 3 hours 5 nights weekly, with attendance requirements decreasing as we go along. I should be prepared to blow for the breathalyzer then take an Antabuse on the spot every day.

Saw the psychiatrist immediately following intake. He gave me a schedule to taper down on the benzodiazepine I've been taking at night, and I'm good with that. I'll see him weekly, I think. Also a case manager, but I'm not sure how that gets worked in. We'll see.

So then the counselor asked me if I was willing to start that night. Now you KNOW while he was describing the routine earlier, I was thinking about my last opportunity for drinking before starting the program. But I said, "uhhh, ok." And so I did. One hour of "checking in," one hour of group, and one hour of education. It was alright. That first night I just listened after introducing myself, but I actually participated Friday night and was glad that I did. We have various addictions and I find it sort of unifying to know that everyone seems to "get" each other no matter what those are.

They gave me a full dose of Antabuse Friday night and then half tabs to take home for Saturday and today. I slept until 10:45am (!) and took my morning meds + Antabuse around 11:30 yesterday and was sleepy for the entire day. Only later did it occur to me that it was probably the addition of the new medication that was probably producing this effect. So I'll wait on the Antabuse for awhile today. There's really no harm in feeling drowsy all day as it's a Sunday and I've nowhere to go, but I'd like to be truly awake for awhile, if only to get some decent food in my stomach and spend some time reading here.

Obladi

In our group session Friday, each of the women (we split by gender) spoke about her higher power or Allah or whomever that was carrying them. And I wasn't feeling it. Wasn't feeling all filled with the spirit of gratefulness or serenity or indebtedness. I didn't want to disrespect anyone, so was keeping my thoughts to myself when the counselor said, "I am hearing about your gratefulness and am also wondering if you are having thoughts about when you are going to be there for you."

I opened my mouth to speak but the woman next to me went into a thing about thanking God for Antabuse but never being able to forgive herself for being drunk in front of her child and my moment was lost. I'm sure I'll have another opportunity. But I gotta say, it was frustrating to hear this woman (who has already been inpatient and this is her aftercare) beating up on herself. Which is odd because I'm pretty sure self-loathing is what got and kept me drinking. And I do consider myself to be an empathetic person. Maybe it was frustrating because I can't picture myself putting my shame out there like that. Maybe I should. But I certainly don't want to go down the path of "I will never forgive myself" because I think that's more of the same self-abuse.

On the up-side, there was a young woman in our group who said, "No offense to y'all older ladies, but I don't want to end up where you are." That made me laugh; it's a bright spot to think that she might end this craziness early in her life.

Obladi

Oh, and I learned during "Sobriety Bingo" Friday night that it takes 70 continuing care (after the eight weeks' intensive thing) meetings to be seen as having completed the program. Seven Zero. Wow. That kinda blew my mind, but ok. It's a hell of a lot less time than I've been at this quitting game, so why not?

fini

Obladi,
sounds like YOU are there right now, showing up for you!

Obladi

Present and accounted for.

growpath

Rooting for you Obladi

You CAN do this!

Obladi

The first night of IOP, there was a guy there who was really uncomfortable. Some mess-up with his withdrawal medication had him pretty sick. But during check-in, he spoke and had a lot to say. The counselor had to cut him off for time and he said, "Alright, but if I don't say another word tonight, remember I was ready to speak now."

Second night, this guy was clearly more physically comfortable. When he checked in, he said, "I'm gonna be honest. I'm really worried about losing my job and this is really really hard for me. Please, if someone can help me to handle all of this anxiousness, I would so very much appreciate it. " The counselor responded with words to the effect of yes, it is hard but it will get better as long as you put in the work. The guy responded, "Let me just keep it real - what I just heard out of your mouth was blah blah blah because how is all of any of that going to help me right now?"

I like that guy. I think he's taking himself pretty seriously and understanding that rote phrases aren't gonna do it. Same here. Hopefully they talked more about the real stuff during their second hour.

I guess I thought about that because I've been sort of restless and aimless all day. I tried Netflix and that ain't happening. So I read a lot here, did some picking up and dishes, started some laundry. Somewhere in there I got the worst craving for the cashews we got at the grocery store today, and I felt almost as desperate looking for them as I would have previously been when looking for the bottle when I temporarily forgot where I hid it.

This IS uncomfortable and I'm thinking it may get more so when we drop the Klonopin later next week. If I were allowed to give that guy advice, I think I might have said: this IS uncomfortable and we're gonna have to ride it out. But it's not like there's something wrong with us - we are having normal physiological responses because we've just put our bodies and brains in a tailspin.

What I wouldn't say but I do think about is what my Mom has told me more than once about my Dad. "Even years after recovery, your Dad never stopped wanting to drink." I think this is one of those things I'm going to need to set aside for Season II or III. Worrying about the future isn't going to do anything for me today.

Dropsie

You are not your Dad -- there are a lot of folks who truly stop wanting to drink.

I like the guy too.

Hang in there, you can do this.