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Old 03-23-2017, 04:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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In my name really, so damn conflicted right now!


Following my first post and the great support and responses I got i've decided to 'reach out for support' in this time of need and see if it helps.

I'm having one of those mental battles at the moment. Like my mind is at war with itself. Should I? Shouldn't I? What are the justifications? etc etc it goes on and on...I relapsed recently and it sucked. I was doing so well so I was super annoyed but after it was all over I felt motivated not to let it happen again and grow stronger from it (I was battered and feeling like poop at the time).

16 hours of sleep later and some healthy meals and a little voice inside me has awoken and is desperate to just go for it again. All the usual bs is being said: You can control it this time and just do a bit, you're leaving country soon so it won't turn into a habit like last time, nose can handle it because it's had ages to heal, you're at home alone what else r u gonna do? Food cravings? I'll sort that out for you too..

Before my first relapse I craved a binge occasionally but it was never a serious craving and easy to push down asI just said NO. My relapse has weakened my resolve and the part of me that wants to do it is pretty damn strong. I can have someone here within half an hour and all it will take is one message. I want to write that message - BUT I REALLY DONT.

So giving this a shot instead of sitting here fighting with myself. Any advice, inspiration on how to bounce back from a relapse and not let a relapse drag you back into old habits would be cool. It is pretty motivating to me when I hear of other peoples success stories cause I always think if they can do it then so can I.

C x
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Old 03-23-2017, 04:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
 

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Ahhh the mental battles. It's the hallmark of addiction- wouldn't be addiction without that battle of the wills going on inside.

Have you ever read about AVRT? It's a technique used to recognize and separate from "that voice" that keeps trying to get you to it's bidding. There are lots of threads on the technique here at SR in the secular connections section. You may find it useful. Hang in. You can do this.
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Old 03-23-2017, 04:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Ahhh the mental battles. It's the hallmark of addiction- wouldn't be addiction without that battle of the wills going on inside.

Have you ever read about AVRT? It's a technique used to recognize and separate from "that voice" that keeps trying to get you to it's bidding. There are lots of threads on the technique here at SR in the secular connections section. You may find it useful. Hang in. You can do this.
thanks! will make sure to check it out
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Old 03-23-2017, 05:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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The problem with relapses- is it is like the one before with steroids. Like the addictive bit of us has to catch up for lost time. Posting is so much better. For regular contact- why not join in on some of the common themed threads? Class of March 2017 (Newcomers), Whiner's Anon, 24- check in, there are lots. Just go to the forums page and scroll through. Keep posting. PJ
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Old 03-23-2017, 05:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The problem with relapses- is it is like the one before with steroids. Like the addictive bit of us has to catch up for lost time. Posting is so much better. For regular contact- why not join in on some of the common themed threads? Class of March 2017 (Newcomers), Whiner's Anon, 24- check in, there are lots. Just go to the forums page and scroll through. Keep posting. PJ
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thanks will do! still getting used to this site so thanks for pointing me in the right direction
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Old 03-23-2017, 05:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I saw you posting the other day. Will make a confession that I found these boards in dealing with cocaine addiction, but its in relation to my husband. So, I wont try to claim Oh its easy just do what I did.

But I did read about how you had to have your nose reconstructed. That would be good incentive for me. Can they even do it a second time?

My husband goes bonkers on cocaine but its been sporatic. as in years inbetween when he picks it up. He put it down again months after picking it up last year, but there was a lot of damage. And truthfully, I got hurt by the drug too. Maybe go on rewind in your mind and remember all the damage the drug did to you. Its like a selfish lover dont you think? It gives, but it takes so much more. Bet you wouldnt put up with that kind of relationship if it were a person?
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Old 03-23-2017, 05:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I saw you posting the other day. Will make a confession that I found these boards in dealing with cocaine addiction, but its in relation to my husband. So, I wont try to claim Oh its easy just do what I did.

But I did read about how you had to have your nose reconstructed. That would be good incentive for me. Can they even do it a second time?

My husband goes bonkers on cocaine but its been sporatic. as in years inbetween when he picks it up. He put it down again months after picking it up last year, but there was a lot of damage. And truthfully, I got hurt by the drug too. Maybe go on rewind in your mind and remember all the damage the drug did to you. Its like a selfish lover dont you think? It gives, but it takes so much more. Bet you wouldnt put up with that kind of relationship if it were a person?
hey - yeah i used to do cocaine sporadically but when i did it would really go for it. Gaps between using starting getting shorter until I was doing it pretty much daily (with breaks in between binges to sleep and recover).

My nose was a massive incentive to not use again - after my nose op (about 9 months ago) I didn't dare touch C and thought it was totally over me. But regardless of that I used again two days ago and have been fighting to use again today. When I get into this state I feel I can convince myself of anything - one time or two times wont matter, my nose is very healed by now, if i wash it out properly afterwards it's fine..ugh even writing down all the excuses I tell myself annoy me!! It SHOULD be an massive incentive but right now it's just not.

I'm not sure if they could do it a second time. Even the first time the Dr told me it was at the limit of what he was willing to fix. If you lose too much of your septum you have no chance of building it up again and you will only be able to fix it aesthetically but it will be a non functioning nose. Luckily I was right on the edge and the surgeon managed to build me a 'functioning' septum using cartilage taken from between ribs. Massive op and it really should be incentive but it's just not.

As for your husband, is he getting treatment? Being with a partner who is an addict is very difficult, of course you got hurt too... When i was using a lot I was very shut off, very selfish, very volatile - I would not chose to put up with that in my relationship..

It's so easy to convince yourself as an addict that it's a one off. That you can do it once and stop again. It's so easy to totally convince yourself that it's scary. And that's the real battle. That no matter how true you think something is and no matter how much you believe (i believe) i can do it tonight and thats it that it never works out that way! So just telling myself that.....
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Old 03-23-2017, 06:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you for sharing all of that.

I think thats the problem with addiction. Why its so hard to break.
It lies, and actually works in the brain to change the thinking. Its hard to make the right choices when your brain is lying to you.
I can sort of relate. I have done plenty of things where I would stand there with the decision in front of me, and I knew I was making a choice that wasnt right for me - but I went ahead and did it anyway because its was easier for my mind to minimize the negative feelings/results in the future vs. how i was feeling at that moment. My stuff would probably sound silly so I wont even mention these trying events. of course it could get you to laughing which might be helpful. LOL

Yes! My husband is in treatment. He tried a lot of things that didnt work for him like an outpatient and an inpatient, and 12 step. But he settled into therapy. And we were told that to treat cocaine addiction one of the best tools to use is cognitive behavioral therapy. So he is doing that to deal with the addiction issue. He also practices mindfulness / stress reduction techniques. Sometimes when he would feel uneasy and said he had a sense of cravings - he would use our gym equipment at home and do a good work out. I think it alters the chemicals in the body.

He also has been working on underlying emotional issues with his doctor. He is pretty open about all of it and has told me a lot of things he has learned about his perception of self, of his childhood, of his role in life. But all of it has helped him heal, and just be more healthy.

I dont know if he will lapse again. Its possible. I hope that if he does then he will be able to stop it fairly quickly. I hope the skills he has learned will allow him to fight back the little voice that lies to him.

I will have to ask him about his nose. I never thought about it getting messed up. I actually googled it after I saw you posting yesterday and found info on it. Saw some pictures, not pretty some of them.

I hope you can get past the cravings tonight. Do you know what triggered it to start with?
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Old 03-23-2017, 06:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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yes i couldn't agree more. It's very easy to lie and convince yourself of anything if you want to. I always try and remind myself its the addict side of me talking but of course it can very convincing at times.
It sounds like your husband is on the right track! I'm a big believer in CBT and mindfulness for overcoming all the things you think and do which hold you back or drag you down! If you manage to find the right therapist to do it with (as ive had so many bad ones) then it's imo a really effective form of therapy..
It sounds like your husband is on a path of self discovery which is great. When he knows himself well enough he will know all the motives behind what he does, why he does it, what he thinks, why he thinks that way etc - it's great to be so self aware and it will help in recovery if he's able to know himself and know what drives him, what tempts him, and what deters him.

yeah the nose is quite common in those who binge on cocaine, if you never give your nose time to heal it will just eventually erode. it made me realise how strong cocaine addiction can be when i could fit an entire finger through my septum yet i continued using anyway making it worse and worse. Eventually i lost so much of my septum my nose started to slump down visibly. It's crazy that even with that it wasn't enough to stop.
On the other hand I find it a blessing in a way that it did happen. It forced me to quit i basically was left with no other choice. Also I used to take a cocktail of pills during my binges which could have ended up so much worse so i consider my nose a lucky escape really!

Saying all that and it does strengthen the argument not to binge. I've been lucky so far in outcomes - they really could have been a lot worse but luck doesn't last forever and you're lucky until you're not!!
I guess it started because i had a relapse two days ago and it threw me off my extreme determination. Also for me a massive trigger has always been boredom and the ability to isolate so easily!!
I wont be bingeing tonight and ill take my relapse yesterday as a one off and not reverse all the progress ive done!!
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Old 03-23-2017, 06:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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That is very cool.. you are aware of the same techniques he's using. A lot of people I meet here arent. I started doing therapy too, and self analysis. I really like it, and Ive learned a lot about myself so far.

Oh yeah.. unpredictable... back when we were in college where we met.. my husband overdosed on coke. After that he quit for a long time, and one would have never known it was ever a problem for him. But the vicious little drug just wormed its way in and I think its because the brain just holds onto those memories/feelings.

Ok I will check up on you tomorrow. Have a good & healthy evening.
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Old 03-23-2017, 06:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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thanks and same to you
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Old 03-23-2017, 07:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Always, you got this.
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Old 03-23-2017, 07:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
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so..um.....NO.

you make the commitment to NOT use again EVER under any circumstance, NO MATTER WHAT.

and then there IS no argument. if the voice kicks in, you say thanks for sharing now go away. you do not argue, you acknowledge and LET GO.

keep it that simple. no means NO. ain't happenin'.........not here, not now, not ever.
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Old 03-23-2017, 07:35 PM   #14 (permalink)
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i said NO in fact i made a list. not of all the reasons not to take but a list of exactly how i would be feeling if I did give in to the urge and i was at the end of it. It helps me to think of how ill feel when its all done and gone. I used to do this alot to help me address some eating issues and it works for me cause really helps you to remember what its like after and not get caught up in the moment!
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Old 03-23-2017, 08:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
 

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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so..um.....NO.

you make the commitment to NOT use again EVER under any circumstance, NO MATTER WHAT.

and then there IS no argument. if the voice kicks in, you say thanks for sharing now go away. you do not argue, you acknowledge and LET GO.

keep it that simple. no means NO. ain't happenin'.........not here, not now, not ever.
This is pretty much the Addictive Voice Recognition Technique in a nutshell. Very effective.
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