Me again. Relapsed and back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 128
Me again. Relapsed and back.
Hi there friends. I'm back after some time away. Feeling angry and frustrated. I was 13 days into c/t off Xanax and relapsed into the same dosage I ended with. I split my last large dose into 3 small ones and took the last this am.
So disappointing- I was so close. The major withdrawals were done. Now I'm back to increased sensitivity to noise and constant anxiety and wanting to cry. I didn't tell anyone around me that I relapsed.
I know there will be people telling me to taper but I'm telling you - I can't. If I have them, I'll take them. By the handful. And inpatient is not an option either for reasons I won't go into here.
I miss the support of this community. I need it again. It will be the only way I make it through this.
I hope everyone is doing ok. Any thoughts or advice or a slap across the face is welcome
So disappointing- I was so close. The major withdrawals were done. Now I'm back to increased sensitivity to noise and constant anxiety and wanting to cry. I didn't tell anyone around me that I relapsed.
I know there will be people telling me to taper but I'm telling you - I can't. If I have them, I'll take them. By the handful. And inpatient is not an option either for reasons I won't go into here.
I miss the support of this community. I need it again. It will be the only way I make it through this.
I hope everyone is doing ok. Any thoughts or advice or a slap across the face is welcome
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: England
Posts: 276
I've lapsed twice in the last 6 months (after 17 months clean) with cocaine but it has helped me discover that I need to realise that the problem has not gone and I need to work on it for the rest of my life.
I tried to turn it into a positive by working out why I used and then set about to work on not doing it again.
Its been 3 weeks since my last lapse and I have realised that I am still unable to socialise with anyone who uses. I hope I can learn from this stupid mistake and stay clean.
I tried to turn it into a positive by working out why I used and then set about to work on not doing it again.
Its been 3 weeks since my last lapse and I have realised that I am still unable to socialise with anyone who uses. I hope I can learn from this stupid mistake and stay clean.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Canada, Eh?
Posts: 73
Welcome back Katt.
I'm like you, if I have pills around, I WILL take them, tapering down was never, ever an option for me. And going into a rehab facility wasn't a realistic option for me either. I'm a wife, a mom to three have a full time job. I started taking Suboxone in early June, even though at first even that option was unappealing to me. Having to go to a clinic daily with all these other drug addicts was awful, and a wake up call. I felt like I didn't fit in with these people, I didn't LOOK like them and I thought I was better than them . Which of course I wasn't , at all. I was the same. I was a drug addict too. Anyway, for me, the only thing that effectively stopped any and all drug cravings was the Suboxone. Today is day 72 , and I feel like I am finally getting my life back. I only have to go to the clinic once a week now, and I also see a therapist regularly. I know Suboxone isn't the answer for everyone , but for me it has been a Godsend. I hope that you keep fighting for your sobriety, because from your posts it sounds to me like you really, truly WANT it. Don't be so hard on yourself, trying to kick addiction is the hardest thing many of us will ever have to do. Keep coming here, keep talking about it and keep trying . Nobody can ever be mad at you for lack of effort,it is obvious to me that you really want this!
Audrey
I'm like you, if I have pills around, I WILL take them, tapering down was never, ever an option for me. And going into a rehab facility wasn't a realistic option for me either. I'm a wife, a mom to three have a full time job. I started taking Suboxone in early June, even though at first even that option was unappealing to me. Having to go to a clinic daily with all these other drug addicts was awful, and a wake up call. I felt like I didn't fit in with these people, I didn't LOOK like them and I thought I was better than them . Which of course I wasn't , at all. I was the same. I was a drug addict too. Anyway, for me, the only thing that effectively stopped any and all drug cravings was the Suboxone. Today is day 72 , and I feel like I am finally getting my life back. I only have to go to the clinic once a week now, and I also see a therapist regularly. I know Suboxone isn't the answer for everyone , but for me it has been a Godsend. I hope that you keep fighting for your sobriety, because from your posts it sounds to me like you really, truly WANT it. Don't be so hard on yourself, trying to kick addiction is the hardest thing many of us will ever have to do. Keep coming here, keep talking about it and keep trying . Nobody can ever be mad at you for lack of effort,it is obvious to me that you really want this!
Audrey
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 128
Thank you for all your replies. Did I learn anything? Yes, I learned I'm a "real" addict. I was still telling myself that because my addiction was a prescribed drug etc that I was different. I'm not - I have no self control with my drug of choice and that's that.
Today is day 2. It's really going badly. I feel so ANGRY. I snapped at two people at work yesterday and also both my kids. Learning to manage my emotions and reactions is going to be difficult. I have been so passive.
I am so tired and just want to cry. I know this passes, it did the last time.
I really appreciate all of you so much. I mean it. I am so grateful.
Today is day 2. It's really going badly. I feel so ANGRY. I snapped at two people at work yesterday and also both my kids. Learning to manage my emotions and reactions is going to be difficult. I have been so passive.
I am so tired and just want to cry. I know this passes, it did the last time.
I really appreciate all of you so much. I mean it. I am so grateful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Kat, welcome back. Please go through and read my threads, you will learn that there are a lot of people that relapse. A LOT. I first came here when I was getting off pills back in Nov 2011, and that was even the first time I tried to quit. Pills ran my life so much that they cost me my retirement, to move countries twice, settle with someone 10 years young whom I have nothing in common with, the list continues. We are addicts, we have no control over drugs, especially our DOC. This last time I had an incident where I don't know what happened, and it was super scary, enough to cause me to hit my head, seizure, and bite my tongue severely in two places. No joke. And my daughter saw me on the floor 
She is 2. She was all alone with her careless mother. Just writing this I cry, I cry because that is not me. I am the woman with a masters, an amazing top notch job, respect from others, but I have an addiction that controls my life. I am trying this time to take it slowly and quit drinking too. Even though I haven't been on heavy opiates for a long time, I haven't been truly clean. Today is day 13 with nothing but coffee. This time I didn't have to go through withdrawals, but I had to deal with what happened when I hit the ground. That is embedded so hard on my brain right now that I am scared crapless to touch anything.
I was like you and couldn't have a single pill in the house. Shoot the meds I was taking when I had my incident I was taking tramadol which I was taking because it didn't do anything to me. Doesn't make me high, but look what happened.
Get through these withdrawals, get help, post on here, you can do it. The key for me that I must focus on is be super prepared for when my AV voice talks. It comes on so fast and is soooo strong, before I know it I would be downing wine and calling my coke dealer.
Even today, twice I have thought about using. It is less then before, but better. It gets better.
We are here for you and please read through my threads.
She is 2. She was all alone with her careless mother. Just writing this I cry, I cry because that is not me. I am the woman with a masters, an amazing top notch job, respect from others, but I have an addiction that controls my life. I am trying this time to take it slowly and quit drinking too. Even though I haven't been on heavy opiates for a long time, I haven't been truly clean. Today is day 13 with nothing but coffee. This time I didn't have to go through withdrawals, but I had to deal with what happened when I hit the ground. That is embedded so hard on my brain right now that I am scared crapless to touch anything. I was like you and couldn't have a single pill in the house. Shoot the meds I was taking when I had my incident I was taking tramadol which I was taking because it didn't do anything to me. Doesn't make me high, but look what happened.
Get through these withdrawals, get help, post on here, you can do it. The key for me that I must focus on is be super prepared for when my AV voice talks. It comes on so fast and is soooo strong, before I know it I would be downing wine and calling my coke dealer.
Even today, twice I have thought about using. It is less then before, but better. It gets better.
We are here for you and please read through my threads.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Canada, Eh?
Posts: 73
Hi Katt
Hope you're feeling a better than you were this morning , and that your day is going okay.
I can relate very well to the mindset that you talked about in your earlier post regarding your addiction. I had myself convinced for the longest time that I wasnt an addict, that I just couldn't be an addict, because all my pills were prescribed by my family doctor. I continued to use that defense even after I constantly ran out of my meds weeks before I should have. And even after I lied to my doctor to get my script refilled earlier and even after I resorted to buying off the street to supplement my ever-growing habit. I even was secretly seeing yet another doctor who would prescribe me oxycontin, so I would have all these pills and I STILL ran out , every single month. I could easily go through 140 percocets in 12 days. It affected every single aspect of my life. And like you, I have a really good job, and I was jeopardizing it. All those years of busting my ass for a university degree , and I was very close to throwing it all away. I'm a mom too, my kids dont know about my addiction, and I was impatient and short with them more times than I care to remember. I completely know how you're feeling right now, it's so hard and it sucks. Keep digging deep within yourself to find the strength to continue the battle. Take it an hour at a time if you have to. Keep posting and reading and doing whatever else it takes to get you over this bump in the road. I am rooting for you, I think everyone here is rooting for you !
Audrey
Hope you're feeling a better than you were this morning , and that your day is going okay.
I can relate very well to the mindset that you talked about in your earlier post regarding your addiction. I had myself convinced for the longest time that I wasnt an addict, that I just couldn't be an addict, because all my pills were prescribed by my family doctor. I continued to use that defense even after I constantly ran out of my meds weeks before I should have. And even after I lied to my doctor to get my script refilled earlier and even after I resorted to buying off the street to supplement my ever-growing habit. I even was secretly seeing yet another doctor who would prescribe me oxycontin, so I would have all these pills and I STILL ran out , every single month. I could easily go through 140 percocets in 12 days. It affected every single aspect of my life. And like you, I have a really good job, and I was jeopardizing it. All those years of busting my ass for a university degree , and I was very close to throwing it all away. I'm a mom too, my kids dont know about my addiction, and I was impatient and short with them more times than I care to remember. I completely know how you're feeling right now, it's so hard and it sucks. Keep digging deep within yourself to find the strength to continue the battle. Take it an hour at a time if you have to. Keep posting and reading and doing whatever else it takes to get you over this bump in the road. I am rooting for you, I think everyone here is rooting for you !
Audrey
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Hey Katt - was just wondering about you. It sounds like you need more support! PLEASE don't disappear when you relapse - that's when we need support the most!!!
I'm like you, also: I can't taper. If I have 'em, I'll take 'em. I had to just get rid of all of them (it was very hard to do, let me tell you).
If I remember correctly, you're going the 12-step route, correct? If you're not, ignore the rest of my post, but if you are: the first step tells me I have LOST THE POWER OF CHOICE. If I have lost power, control and choice - I have to drink/use. To feel ashamed and angry at myself over something I can't control is like blaming myself when a tornado hits my house. Lack of power is my dilemma. I need to find a power greater than myself!
HTH!
I'm like you, also: I can't taper. If I have 'em, I'll take 'em. I had to just get rid of all of them (it was very hard to do, let me tell you).
If I remember correctly, you're going the 12-step route, correct? If you're not, ignore the rest of my post, but if you are: the first step tells me I have LOST THE POWER OF CHOICE. If I have lost power, control and choice - I have to drink/use. To feel ashamed and angry at myself over something I can't control is like blaming myself when a tornado hits my house. Lack of power is my dilemma. I need to find a power greater than myself!
HTH!
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