Oh the agony! It's no wonder few ever escape heroin.
Saved By Grace
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Oh the agony! It's no wonder few ever escape heroin.
Heroin, king of all drugs. I like to think I began with pot, experimented with shrooms & ecstasy and all that stuff, played around with amphetamines, and graduated to what has to be the most evil insidious substance on the planet, opiates. Other than alcohol I suppose. My drug use left a trail of regrets and unmet potential, some goods times, some great times, a lot of dangerous and financially costly times.
But I reached a point where the only drug I enjoy is opiates. Amps make me have panick attacks and freak out. Pot makes me paranoid. The only two drugs I had to rely one and feed my addict mind became alcohol and opiates ( strong opiates). The weak stuff like hydro's and norcos barely phased me. So for months i would drink to stay away from opiates. And it worked for a while unless I drank to much then I fiended BAD for opiates.
So long story short I found a hook for Heroin and it was on like gangbusters. Lost my job, startednshootingnfor the first time. And would use like every few days and just lay in my room on my comfy bed watching intervention and other tv and movies. I think that's why I love/hate opiates so much, they fit my personality so well and I love relaxing and doing as little physical activity as possible.
But of course opiate addiction always ends in pain, emotional, physical. It's awful. When your high you reach a point when you realize you have to quit, and it feels good, you feel like things I'll be alrit and u can handle it. Then you sober up and reality slaps you in the face and your screaming on the inside going through WD's, working, trying to function around people who don't have your problem and have no idea what your going through.
Im on Day 4 now and staying at my parents and they knowing im sobering up but not from what exactly, and I have to keep it that way. If they knew the truth it would crush them. So I fake a smile, work and slave away in the hot California sun shoveling rocks, picking weeds, and working by the hour to make money because I have a gun of debt aimed at my head and if I stop working I'm done for. This morning I was in such agony I tried contacting my dealer but he cut me off because I made him promise he would in order for me to get clean. But I keep thinking about heroin, how much better life seemed just a week ago. And now reality it suffocating. Sobriety is terrified, I'm terrified. I'm 26 and I hate getting older and having responsibility and bills and all that crap. God it blows!!
Oh how I long for the days of artificial happiness and my fake tools of coping with the stresses of life. Someways i feel like what's the point I should just sell all my possessions and become a street junkie. It's not like people with possessions and normal lives and sobriety are that much happier anyways. How good can life be if I'm not high on opiates anyways? But a better part tells me I'm an addict, and its time to go to AA/NA, church, whatever...to get support and finally after almost ten years of chemically modifying my moods, find a way to live sober. And with a few sober days under my belt, I feel like I'm on my way. My torturous, exhausting, way
But I reached a point where the only drug I enjoy is opiates. Amps make me have panick attacks and freak out. Pot makes me paranoid. The only two drugs I had to rely one and feed my addict mind became alcohol and opiates ( strong opiates). The weak stuff like hydro's and norcos barely phased me. So for months i would drink to stay away from opiates. And it worked for a while unless I drank to much then I fiended BAD for opiates.
So long story short I found a hook for Heroin and it was on like gangbusters. Lost my job, startednshootingnfor the first time. And would use like every few days and just lay in my room on my comfy bed watching intervention and other tv and movies. I think that's why I love/hate opiates so much, they fit my personality so well and I love relaxing and doing as little physical activity as possible.
But of course opiate addiction always ends in pain, emotional, physical. It's awful. When your high you reach a point when you realize you have to quit, and it feels good, you feel like things I'll be alrit and u can handle it. Then you sober up and reality slaps you in the face and your screaming on the inside going through WD's, working, trying to function around people who don't have your problem and have no idea what your going through.
Im on Day 4 now and staying at my parents and they knowing im sobering up but not from what exactly, and I have to keep it that way. If they knew the truth it would crush them. So I fake a smile, work and slave away in the hot California sun shoveling rocks, picking weeds, and working by the hour to make money because I have a gun of debt aimed at my head and if I stop working I'm done for. This morning I was in such agony I tried contacting my dealer but he cut me off because I made him promise he would in order for me to get clean. But I keep thinking about heroin, how much better life seemed just a week ago. And now reality it suffocating. Sobriety is terrified, I'm terrified. I'm 26 and I hate getting older and having responsibility and bills and all that crap. God it blows!!
Oh how I long for the days of artificial happiness and my fake tools of coping with the stresses of life. Someways i feel like what's the point I should just sell all my possessions and become a street junkie. It's not like people with possessions and normal lives and sobriety are that much happier anyways. How good can life be if I'm not high on opiates anyways? But a better part tells me I'm an addict, and its time to go to AA/NA, church, whatever...to get support and finally after almost ten years of chemically modifying my moods, find a way to live sober. And with a few sober days under my belt, I feel like I'm on my way. My torturous, exhausting, way
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Present Moment
Posts: 646
Thanks for such honesty in this post Y&C
You can usually find me over in the Newcomers forum(alcohol) and one year sober as of march 28th.
I've read enough to know that 4 days is an amazing feat. Please keep going. You know that any doubts that enter your mind is purely the addictive mind speaking to you.
I see that your in CA - so it's 7:00pm there and you've made it thru another day.
Your user name is YoungandClean for a reason my friend - fight for it.
Big hugs from Toronto
You can usually find me over in the Newcomers forum(alcohol) and one year sober as of march 28th.
I've read enough to know that 4 days is an amazing feat. Please keep going. You know that any doubts that enter your mind is purely the addictive mind speaking to you.
I see that your in CA - so it's 7:00pm there and you've made it thru another day.
Your user name is YoungandClean for a reason my friend - fight for it.
Big hugs from Toronto
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
It's extremely difficult, no doubt. You need to tell yourself constantly "this is and will be the hardest thing i ever do." H takes away all your manhood, makes you satisfied with yourself even when your wetting yourself, s-hit-ing yourself, and ready to steal from everyone around you. And somehow, through that cloudy haze of non-reality, it tells you that "it's fine, i'll quit tomorrow." But you won't quit tomorrow if you don't quit today.
Look at your situation right now. There will NEVER, EVER be a better time to quit. EVER.
Your parents got your back, they're paying for heat, food, and other stuff that would be much more expensive without them.
Don't listen to any lies your addict mind creates like "Someways i feel like what's the point I should just sell all my possessions and become a street junkie. It's not like people with possessions and normal lives and sobriety are that much happier anyways."
Jeez, that is the most effed up lie any person tried to convince themself of. Homeless is better? Jeezus h krist it is not better, it is awful. Awful. And maybe everyday people aren't glowing happy, but they aren't constantly body sick & suffering.
If you want a role model, read everything you can about Layne Staley. That guy had everything. And H made him miserable every breathing moment.
Last Days of Layne Staley
TODAY is the day to quit. NEVER give up.
Look at your situation right now. There will NEVER, EVER be a better time to quit. EVER.
Your parents got your back, they're paying for heat, food, and other stuff that would be much more expensive without them.
Don't listen to any lies your addict mind creates like "Someways i feel like what's the point I should just sell all my possessions and become a street junkie. It's not like people with possessions and normal lives and sobriety are that much happier anyways."
Jeez, that is the most effed up lie any person tried to convince themself of. Homeless is better? Jeezus h krist it is not better, it is awful. Awful. And maybe everyday people aren't glowing happy, but they aren't constantly body sick & suffering.
If you want a role model, read everything you can about Layne Staley. That guy had everything. And H made him miserable every breathing moment.
Last Days of Layne Staley
TODAY is the day to quit. NEVER give up.
Saved By Grace
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Acceptingchange i hear what your saying and thank you for taking the time to write that post it seriously helped me. I haven't really acknowledged how hard this is and will be and I need to remind myself of what I'm undertaking. I'm more of an optimist and sometimes get into stuff without realizing how hard it's gonna be. Sort of like H, or risky sex or what have you. I always think thing will just 'work out'. The addict voice has been telling me some ridiculous things and thanks for reminding me they are lies. And I'm gonna check out that layne or whoever you told me about. I need inspiration and motivation for sure.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
no one plans on becoming an addict. we don't dream of that. we dream of more. and part of you must still dream that, otherwise you would've thrown in the towel, and not bothered posting here and sharing your journey.
four days IS amazing. you may not see it now through the physical and mental struggles you've got going, but it really is.
please do what you need to do to keep going. read as much as you can here. and remember that something brought you here. something lured you toward sobriety. that's what you deserve.
i'm addicted to opiates, too. i'm on day 31, and if i can do it, so can you. it really does get easier. you've suffered enough. onwards and upwards you go! keep posting, and thank you for sharing.
four days IS amazing. you may not see it now through the physical and mental struggles you've got going, but it really is.
please do what you need to do to keep going. read as much as you can here. and remember that something brought you here. something lured you toward sobriety. that's what you deserve.
i'm addicted to opiates, too. i'm on day 31, and if i can do it, so can you. it really does get easier. you've suffered enough. onwards and upwards you go! keep posting, and thank you for sharing.
Saved By Grace
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
I woke up this morning wishing I hasn't woken up. Immediately upon waking im flooded with feelings of anger, torture, using, stress, and remorse. Also suicide which is not like me. But I kept telling myself I wish I was dead I can't handle another day of this....this...life.. Me... I can't handle another day being me. I longed to go back to sleep but it wasn't going to happen and now I'm unprepared and mentally terrified to face another day of physical labor shoveling rocks for hours and slaving away sober. I couldn't help wishing I had some suboxone or something to take the edge off. But I know being 100 percent sober if good for me even if I'm suffering. Still suffering, nobody to blame but myself for being in this crap. I don't want the day to begin, I want to lay in bed all day. Really wishing I could right now. Damnit...
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
hope you don't mind me saying this, but you need to be easy on yourself.
forgive yourself for past mistakes. forgive yourself for having dark thoughts.
you said, "i can't handle another day being me..." surely you have a lot of positive aspects that you're not seeing (or at least weren't seeing when you posted).
you're not a bad person ~ you just had some bad ideas (just like everyone else on the planet). the idea to start using isn't something any of us *want* to have.
like i said earlier, you've suffered long enough. cut yourself some slack. give yourself permission to admit that you made some bad decisions, and remember that's what humans do sometimes.
and know that your posts are helping a lot of people. those of us who've been there, or are currently in similar situations respect your candidness and your sharing.
you must give yourself credit where credit is due.
you've come so far. time to access that optimism you have. keep going!
forgive yourself for past mistakes. forgive yourself for having dark thoughts.
you said, "i can't handle another day being me..." surely you have a lot of positive aspects that you're not seeing (or at least weren't seeing when you posted).
you're not a bad person ~ you just had some bad ideas (just like everyone else on the planet). the idea to start using isn't something any of us *want* to have.
like i said earlier, you've suffered long enough. cut yourself some slack. give yourself permission to admit that you made some bad decisions, and remember that's what humans do sometimes.
and know that your posts are helping a lot of people. those of us who've been there, or are currently in similar situations respect your candidness and your sharing.
you must give yourself credit where credit is due.
you've come so far. time to access that optimism you have. keep going!
Saved By Grace
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
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So I got three hours of work in and the whole time i was feeling so overwhelmed!! I was craving the entire time and my thought pattern would jump from all my financial debt and burdens like having no car and not graduating college when I should have TO my ex girlfriend of 4 years who now goes to college up in Portland and use to love me and treat me so good and not mind if smelt of booze or weed or whatever. Now I can't reach her and she refuses to talk to me and even though it's been nearly a year now my heart still aches so bad for her. Then my mind would jump to other past regrets and how badly I hate being 26 and how everything was so damn better when I was 21, I had a car, had money, had a girlfriend and was going to college at a really great place. Now it's like I find myself in a situation so daunting it's like I would give annoying to go back and live through the crazy times of using. Now it's like I have to work all the time, I have to get sober and go to AA/NA, I have to make all these reparations with family and friends I've hurt overnthenyears and just the thought of never feeling that warm opiate buzz broke me and had me texting and calling my dealer. Even though I can't really afford to buy any H, I would put off paying bills and getting ahead just to relapse. I would go through WD's again and throw away the progress I've made these last few days to feelmst instant gratification. I should have never started using the needle, I got in way over my head and crashed and burned. Now I find myself standing in the wreckage and it's just all so surreal I can't believe I got here.... Again... The ups and downs are crazy. What I just described is what its like to be in my mind for the last few hours. Reality suffocating me. I still really want to get sober but it's terrifying.. Even the benefits seem so small right now. But I know NOW is the time to quit and if I do I can dig myself out of is whole and have a brand new life. I'm still young. But god how easy it is to just say }%}% it and throw it all away. Throw me away. My family and my possessions and all that just for a stupid artificial feeling that doesn't even lastnverynlong anywaysnwithntolerance and what not. It's not a sustainable life.i have no choice but to get sober.. And boy oh boy does that have me feeling trapped, angrY, and downright broken.
The good news is my dealer cut me off and I know as much as I call text him he won't respond because he knows I'm making a serious effort to put this behind me. So I'm cut off. I could drink but what's the point it's not H. Im all out of opiate options and boy is th addict fury crying out!!
The good news is my dealer cut me off and I know as much as I call text him he won't respond because he knows I'm making a serious effort to put this behind me. So I'm cut off. I could drink but what's the point it's not H. Im all out of opiate options and boy is th addict fury crying out!!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 432
Y&C Glad you are here. Being clean is awesome. I was doing IV dilaudid...some say the pharmacutical heroin.
Honestly, just make the attempt to put your past crappy behavior behind you. It's done, you can't take it back but you can move forward, clean up yourself and your life and live a better and more productive life without going back.
I lost my job, my professional license, caused my family alot of turmoil, put my family in a financial mess and I am still cleaning it up....but I AM cleaning it up.
I love having my head clear. It takes awhile to have a clear head after using drugs for so long. But everyday is progress. Keep up the good work. Since you know you were in hell....it's time to climb out and up!
Honestly, just make the attempt to put your past crappy behavior behind you. It's done, you can't take it back but you can move forward, clean up yourself and your life and live a better and more productive life without going back.
I lost my job, my professional license, caused my family alot of turmoil, put my family in a financial mess and I am still cleaning it up....but I AM cleaning it up.
I love having my head clear. It takes awhile to have a clear head after using drugs for so long. But everyday is progress. Keep up the good work. Since you know you were in hell....it's time to climb out and up!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hang in there Y&C.
yes, this is the hardest thing you will ever do. but the most worthwhile.
drugs will lie to you, they want you dead.
hang on to life, and reach out to others for help.
are you in na, or rehab of some kind.
how about a doctors help right now?
sending prayers for strength, comfort, and hope for you.
hugs
chicory
yes, this is the hardest thing you will ever do. but the most worthwhile.
drugs will lie to you, they want you dead.
hang on to life, and reach out to others for help.
are you in na, or rehab of some kind.
how about a doctors help right now?
sending prayers for strength, comfort, and hope for you.
hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Y&C,
Long ago and far away in another lifetime I went through what you are going through now with heroin.
All the things you have been writing about experiencing, the pain, remorse, guilt, feelings for the ex-girlfriend who tried so hard but had to leave to save herself, all that crap...
You could have been writing about me. You are bringing back memories and they are not pleasant ones...
But it is possible to leave heroin behind. You can do it.
If you are on day 4 then you have done a lot of hard work already. Hang in there you will be turning the corner soon.
You can do it.
D
Long ago and far away in another lifetime I went through what you are going through now with heroin.
All the things you have been writing about experiencing, the pain, remorse, guilt, feelings for the ex-girlfriend who tried so hard but had to leave to save herself, all that crap...
You could have been writing about me. You are bringing back memories and they are not pleasant ones...
But it is possible to leave heroin behind. You can do it.
If you are on day 4 then you have done a lot of hard work already. Hang in there you will be turning the corner soon.
You can do it.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Keep your head up man. I am impressed you are even making it to work and pushing through. That noise in your head will quiet down with time. Talk to a therapist or hit a meeting if you can. It almost always gets worse let me tell you. I switched from Oxy to H because I figured it would be cheaper only to find myself spending $200 a day at the end. Tolerance just keeps building and building. I had to use just to get out of bed. Horrible horrible way to live life! Yes the high is good, but it becomes shorter and shorter and the consequences become larger and larger until the bad SO outweighs those few moments of bliss (which mentally I could barely even enjoy anymore) that you either die or find a way to quit. Be good to yourself!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 217
You got this!! For me that first week was really difficult just because my body was getting the heroin/oxy/everything else I was doing out of my body. Just believe in yourself no matter how bad you want that fix, it's not going to make things better..maybe temporarily but the agony that comes afterwords will be even worse then before. I dragged myself to an NA meeting during my withdrawals and was filled with so much hope seeing people that had years of recovery from this disease. I'm now on my 100th day clean! You can do it just take it one day at a time so you don't get overwhelmed and try to start establishing a support group. That was a great idea to tell your dealer to cut you off, that itself shows strength and the desire to live a new life.. Once I knew this was the life I wanted I deleted all those dealers and people I used with out of my phone book! "Just for today you never have to use again"
Saved By Grace
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Damn I knew from the moment I woke up this morning today was not going to be good. It rained all night and was very cloudy and beautiful in the morning. But I was heading back home to the house with my roomates where i had been using after staying at my parents for 5 days and getting clean.
As we got closer to the city I could feel the addict fury rising inside me. And as we headed to my house for me to get dropped off I see my frecking H dealer drive right in front of me. At that moment I finally snapped and decided I was going to text him as soon as I got home. That was about 8am and now its 5:09pm and still no response. So earlier this morning I dug through trash.. clothing... combed the floor for dropped pieces and I actually found an old cotton which i squeezed some juice out to smoke on foil. Sorry if thats triggering I don't mean it to be. I also found a couple insy bitsy pieces on the floor and smoked them too. I actually got a little high but it wasn't enough and I felt down about relapsing I guess so I had 2 beers and decided #$^& it, I'm gonna hop on my bike and ride around the city where the bums and ghettos are and try and cop on the street. Well that went no where and I ended up just rising past all of them and not having the balls to ask them where I could find drugs. I kind of look young for my age and not the type you would assume do drugs so I ended up just coming back home and texting calling and waiting. Right now I've called my dealer 10+ times and sent him 20+ text messages. Wonderful stuff like this.
"Josh I was high out of my mind when I told you to cut me off and ignore me I had no frecking idea how I'd change my mind. Dude I'm so $%%& if you don't help me. I'll give you anything man. i'm so desperate to feel it one more time."
AND
"I understand if your not okay with picking up for me again. That's fine. Just tell me no man. This silent treatment is %$&* killing me. Please put yourself in my shoes."
AND
"I hope to god you don't have your phone with you and that's why you haven't responded because if ur getting all these messages and still won't hit me back that's insane! U know this feeling I'm going through man!"
So...all day...lieing around in bed... trying to play PS3..calling texting/phoning unsure if he is ignoring me on purpose to help me get clean or if he doesn't have his phone back yet. I overdrafted my account to get some cash and it's horrible because my debts have gotten so high I really need every penny I have to survive.
Yet I know if he texts me back and tells me it's a go I will rellapse and blow this money and my start at sobriety. Today has been a nightmare and I want to get some booze just to pass out and maybe go to a meeting tommorow. I was so excited about sobriety but once I got thrown back into my old using environment I broke. I don't have a doctor or anything but NA/AA available to me and of course I havent gone because I'm OCD and fiending like the junkie I've become. I don't know wtf to do. I'm so torn.... Thats my crazy vent, I can't believe I'm in this situation where I'm addicted to this insanely addicting drug and also have money stresses and big changes coming up in the near future that I'm afraid I can't handle.
The real reason I want to get high again is just the lie that it will give me a huge sense of relief and I will lay down and be like... lifes not so bad... its managable I'm gonna do this this this and this and things will work out! But tonight... I'm gonna let loose a little, I mean cmon, everybody relapses practically.. big deal.. so i wasnt able to stick with my sobriety.. theres always tommorow.
Just like they say in Trainspotting...there are final hits... and then there are final hits. I do apologize if this has been triggering for some. It's just this is some seriously deep seeded addiction I'm wading through and I think more than anything I need to get to an AA/NA meeting ASAP and realize that using IS JUST NOT AN OPTION. GOD THIS SUCKS!!!!
As we got closer to the city I could feel the addict fury rising inside me. And as we headed to my house for me to get dropped off I see my frecking H dealer drive right in front of me. At that moment I finally snapped and decided I was going to text him as soon as I got home. That was about 8am and now its 5:09pm and still no response. So earlier this morning I dug through trash.. clothing... combed the floor for dropped pieces and I actually found an old cotton which i squeezed some juice out to smoke on foil. Sorry if thats triggering I don't mean it to be. I also found a couple insy bitsy pieces on the floor and smoked them too. I actually got a little high but it wasn't enough and I felt down about relapsing I guess so I had 2 beers and decided #$^& it, I'm gonna hop on my bike and ride around the city where the bums and ghettos are and try and cop on the street. Well that went no where and I ended up just rising past all of them and not having the balls to ask them where I could find drugs. I kind of look young for my age and not the type you would assume do drugs so I ended up just coming back home and texting calling and waiting. Right now I've called my dealer 10+ times and sent him 20+ text messages. Wonderful stuff like this.
"Josh I was high out of my mind when I told you to cut me off and ignore me I had no frecking idea how I'd change my mind. Dude I'm so $%%& if you don't help me. I'll give you anything man. i'm so desperate to feel it one more time."
AND
"I understand if your not okay with picking up for me again. That's fine. Just tell me no man. This silent treatment is %$&* killing me. Please put yourself in my shoes."
AND
"I hope to god you don't have your phone with you and that's why you haven't responded because if ur getting all these messages and still won't hit me back that's insane! U know this feeling I'm going through man!"
So...all day...lieing around in bed... trying to play PS3..calling texting/phoning unsure if he is ignoring me on purpose to help me get clean or if he doesn't have his phone back yet. I overdrafted my account to get some cash and it's horrible because my debts have gotten so high I really need every penny I have to survive.
Yet I know if he texts me back and tells me it's a go I will rellapse and blow this money and my start at sobriety. Today has been a nightmare and I want to get some booze just to pass out and maybe go to a meeting tommorow. I was so excited about sobriety but once I got thrown back into my old using environment I broke. I don't have a doctor or anything but NA/AA available to me and of course I havent gone because I'm OCD and fiending like the junkie I've become. I don't know wtf to do. I'm so torn.... Thats my crazy vent, I can't believe I'm in this situation where I'm addicted to this insanely addicting drug and also have money stresses and big changes coming up in the near future that I'm afraid I can't handle.
The real reason I want to get high again is just the lie that it will give me a huge sense of relief and I will lay down and be like... lifes not so bad... its managable I'm gonna do this this this and this and things will work out! But tonight... I'm gonna let loose a little, I mean cmon, everybody relapses practically.. big deal.. so i wasnt able to stick with my sobriety.. theres always tommorow.
Just like they say in Trainspotting...there are final hits... and then there are final hits. I do apologize if this has been triggering for some. It's just this is some seriously deep seeded addiction I'm wading through and I think more than anything I need to get to an AA/NA meeting ASAP and realize that using IS JUST NOT AN OPTION. GOD THIS SUCKS!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Full on addict mode sucks. Once the snowball gets rolling downhill it is very hard to stop. You can rationalize it all you want that is what your demons are looking for. If I were you I would stop talking about going to a meeting and just go. Otherwise just go to bed and sleep it off. Hopefully you will wake up with some new found hope. Yeah deleting numbers never worked for me. I always knew I could hit the west side if needed. I feel for you man. Call the NA hotline in your area. Tell them where you are at. You are bound to get yourself arrested or dead soon with that mindset. Be safe / Be strong!!!
Saved By Grace
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Marcus after typing that last reply I hopped on my bike and braved the frigid cold and now I'm sitting at an NA meeting. It's not relieving any stress and Im not gonna lie I still really hope my dealer contacts me. But at last I'm here and part of me still wants to fight this fight. You are so right about the snowball going downhill and being unable to stop it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Good for you dude. Yes I am sure it is hard to listen with where you are at right now. I learned I just can not let myself go to that place of full on use mode. When you are in it it is like a primal instinct. A fight for survival and only using will make it better. Like a wolf going after raw meat. Once I flipped the switch I was usually in for a world of hurt. Do yourself a favor and stay close to some people who can help you find your way out. Honestly if you can just find a way to make it until tomorrow it should ease up. In the future when the thoughts start coming you can not entertain them. You are not strong enough right now. You will lose almost every time. Hang on buddy!
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