Oh the agony! It's no wonder few ever escape heroin.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 340
Hey there, I recovered from alcoholism 10 years ago in AA and it did work. I stayed sober for years. Until this past October, when I was given hydrocodone for the first time and I decided I liked it so much I would do anything to get it. I went back to AA so embarassed and upset. I kept going, but something was not clicking this time. So for me, I have found a wonderful program in Celebrate Recovery. You will see that it is a Christian based recovery program, but guess what, not everyone who comes in is Christian. I happen to be, but not everyone is. It is working for me! I LOVE it. It is similar to AA, not exactly the same, but all the good stuff about AA is there. People's lives have been changed (about 700,000) by Celebrate Recovery. I don't know what is best for you and I would be lying if I said I did. But Celebrate Recovery has been so awesome for me. Don't think there is going to be a huge amount of Christian judgement, that is not the case. And they do have it in Santa Barbara, I have looked. It was founded in California at Saddleback Church. Anyway, just a suggestion and sharing with you what is helping keep me off of King Hydrocodone!!! And yes, it is a big, almost impossible pill to swallow about being abstinent from mind altering substances. I remember that when I stopped drinking, and I remember it when I stopped hydrocodone. There was NO way I could exist without them. But one day at a time, I have done it. Now I know the irony is the only way I can exist and be happy is without them. I can't tell you it has been all roses, but it is pretty amazing when you get into it. I pray for you, I know you are just like me. God bless.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 340
And LOL, my husband is by the book AA and was all about the 90 in 90 for me, call a sponsor every day. That may work for some, but it just annoyed the heck out of me. I have not heard of that in Celebrate Recovery. It is twice a week (one night is a step study, the other night is worship and small group). I don't know. It is enough for me. Maybe some need 90 in 90 and all that but really it annoyed me more than helped. Now I am free from that and from hydro in Celebrate Recovery. And I am not saying AA is all bad either, because at one time in my life (early 20's) it got me off alcohol. But I have found it is not the ONLY way. Church and service to others play a huge role in my recovery too. I do volunteer at a nursing home twice a week and now I am volunteering at church one night a week. I consider that part of my recovery too. No, it is not "by the book" but it is working. Also, if you can, get a hold of the book "Make Miracles in 40 Days" by Melody Beattie. It is amazing. A HUGE part of my recovery. So I may not be doing "by the book" but it is working.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Y&C, good to hear from you. I was wondering how you were doing. Responding to your comments on rehab - they don’t teach you how to pay your bills and hold down a job. Instead, they help you detox and get clean safely, with doctors and therapists around to help you through. Once you’re clean, they teach you strategies for pursuing a happy drug-free life, as well as strategies to stay clean and avoid relapse. And individual therapy to help you work through issues you’ve been numbing yourself to with drugs/alcohol.
I had a rehab experience that really moved me last Saturday. Twice a week I meet with patients and families moving through the admissions process at a local rehab facility, offering support, empathy, and sharing what I’ve learned as the parent of a heroin-addicted son. A week ago Saturday, I met with a 19-year-old young man entering treatment for heroin addiction. He was with his mother, in early withdrawal, feeling crappy, not sure he wanted to be there. I talked with him for quite awhile apart from his mom, and he told me what he’d been going through, his efforts to quit, his fear at the thought of trying to live drug-free. Then, this past Saturday, I saw him again. The rehab facility had a big event – a “tune-up,” they call it - to which they invited everyone who had been a patient there over the past year. A big tent, food, speakers. At the end of the program, they invited people to come up to the microphone to share their gratitude. This kid went up there and spoke very passionately about how grateful he was for the facility, the staff, and to be clean and sober. He was grateful for the support of the friends he had made in rehab, and a group of young people sitting at a picnic table (his group) cheered. And he said that he’d never had the courage to stand up and speak in front of a group before, but that the folks in rehab had helped him realize his strength and self-worth. As he stepped down from the microphone and started walking out of the tent, I stood up from where I was sitting as he was about to walk right by me. I was going to shake his hand, reintroduce myself, and congratulate him on his success. He grabbed me and gave me one of the biggest, longest hugs I’ve ever received, and when he pulled away, there were tears in his eyes as he expressed how grateful he was to be in recovery. I don’t know what will happen to this young man when he leaves rehab, but for now, he is ecstatic to be clean and learning a new, healthy way to be happy and fulfilled.
That’s what rehab is about.
I had a rehab experience that really moved me last Saturday. Twice a week I meet with patients and families moving through the admissions process at a local rehab facility, offering support, empathy, and sharing what I’ve learned as the parent of a heroin-addicted son. A week ago Saturday, I met with a 19-year-old young man entering treatment for heroin addiction. He was with his mother, in early withdrawal, feeling crappy, not sure he wanted to be there. I talked with him for quite awhile apart from his mom, and he told me what he’d been going through, his efforts to quit, his fear at the thought of trying to live drug-free. Then, this past Saturday, I saw him again. The rehab facility had a big event – a “tune-up,” they call it - to which they invited everyone who had been a patient there over the past year. A big tent, food, speakers. At the end of the program, they invited people to come up to the microphone to share their gratitude. This kid went up there and spoke very passionately about how grateful he was for the facility, the staff, and to be clean and sober. He was grateful for the support of the friends he had made in rehab, and a group of young people sitting at a picnic table (his group) cheered. And he said that he’d never had the courage to stand up and speak in front of a group before, but that the folks in rehab had helped him realize his strength and self-worth. As he stepped down from the microphone and started walking out of the tent, I stood up from where I was sitting as he was about to walk right by me. I was going to shake his hand, reintroduce myself, and congratulate him on his success. He grabbed me and gave me one of the biggest, longest hugs I’ve ever received, and when he pulled away, there were tears in his eyes as he expressed how grateful he was to be in recovery. I don’t know what will happen to this young man when he leaves rehab, but for now, he is ecstatic to be clean and learning a new, healthy way to be happy and fulfilled.
That’s what rehab is about.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 594
I hope you go to na or aa and church and get something happening because if you touch heroin again you might very well end up dead.
I have lost good friends to heroin.
I dont know what fake tools are, but i have some tools i learned in NA that really have been useful.
I am coming up on 5 months clean and sober sept 5th.
If i can do it at 51 years old , you can too
I have lost good friends to heroin.
I dont know what fake tools are, but i have some tools i learned in NA that really have been useful.
I am coming up on 5 months clean and sober sept 5th.
If i can do it at 51 years old , you can too
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Hello guys I appreciate you all still encouraging me but I would be lying if I said I was making any effort to stay clean. I'm actively using and putting my mother through hell because she wants me to give up where I live and my life to move somewhere far and go to a 3+ month program.
And as you can probley guess, I'm hesitant. Telling her that I will find my own solution and that her way is not the only way. But of course, a part of me recognizes that maybe I am that deep and that is the only hope I have. I have never felt so trapped in my disease as I do now. I've been addicted to weed and other substances but to feel like I'm damned if I do/damned if I don't with heroin is pretty damn miserable. Yet I continue to use and have done so for the last week or so.
It's the same old cycle, run out of dope. start getting sick, get super anxious and wait and wait and wait until the dope man finally comes through and then feel fine for a couple days like on top of the world and that I'm invincible and will overcome my problems. Then when I run out of dope so does all my motivation to go to the gym, do well in school, pay of debt and etc. It's ridiculous, and I am not quite sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I am on my way there hopefully before I OD or do something incredibly stupid under the influence.
I'm trying to be honest and admit that I'm still using so that those who have followed this thread understand what the reality of messing with heroin is like. I swear I wish I had never tried a single opiate and they didn't exist because other then alcohol, if those 2 drugs didn't exist I technically and hypothetically wouldn't be an addict.
I'm almost considering going on suboxone maintenance again just to take away the cravings for dope. And I also drank a lot less on suboxone. Or I could bite the bullet and give up my independence and life to start over from the ground up and move far away to a rehab program. But I don't trust the fact that when I get out I won't use again and if that happens I would have wasted those months. Statistically I'm guessing because it's heroin I'm dealing with, I wouldn't last more than a week after getting out of rehab before I'm searching for dope. Thats just reality and I don't have much hope but oh well.
And as you can probley guess, I'm hesitant. Telling her that I will find my own solution and that her way is not the only way. But of course, a part of me recognizes that maybe I am that deep and that is the only hope I have. I have never felt so trapped in my disease as I do now. I've been addicted to weed and other substances but to feel like I'm damned if I do/damned if I don't with heroin is pretty damn miserable. Yet I continue to use and have done so for the last week or so.
It's the same old cycle, run out of dope. start getting sick, get super anxious and wait and wait and wait until the dope man finally comes through and then feel fine for a couple days like on top of the world and that I'm invincible and will overcome my problems. Then when I run out of dope so does all my motivation to go to the gym, do well in school, pay of debt and etc. It's ridiculous, and I am not quite sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I am on my way there hopefully before I OD or do something incredibly stupid under the influence.
I'm trying to be honest and admit that I'm still using so that those who have followed this thread understand what the reality of messing with heroin is like. I swear I wish I had never tried a single opiate and they didn't exist because other then alcohol, if those 2 drugs didn't exist I technically and hypothetically wouldn't be an addict.
I'm almost considering going on suboxone maintenance again just to take away the cravings for dope. And I also drank a lot less on suboxone. Or I could bite the bullet and give up my independence and life to start over from the ground up and move far away to a rehab program. But I don't trust the fact that when I get out I won't use again and if that happens I would have wasted those months. Statistically I'm guessing because it's heroin I'm dealing with, I wouldn't last more than a week after getting out of rehab before I'm searching for dope. Thats just reality and I don't have much hope but oh well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Y&C, your mother is trying to save your life. The way you are living now is no kind of life, and you know it. You also know where it will ultimately lead if you don't stop the progression of this disease - you've said it yourself in your earlier posts when you were clean and trying to stay that way.
IMHO, the smartest thing you could do is bite the bullet and do the 3+ month rehab program. In the greater scheme of things, it is no time at all - just a blip in the span of your life (hopefully, although what you're doing now could shorten your lifespan considerably).
You may not be clean now, but you are YOUNG. Your life spreads out in front of you. If you live through what you are doing to yourself now and don't end up in jail or an institution, then presumably you will eventually reach out for recovery at what ... 30? 40? Still in the same place, still with nothing because everything went to your addiction. So much harder to start over in your 30s or 40s, rather than in your 20s. So many people on this forum are working to do exactly that because they have no choice. YOU have a choice. You can throw everything you have into fixing this problem NOW so that you can have a longer, happier, healthier life.
I understand your fear of failure even with the rehab program, but it is worth the effort and any suggestion to the contrary is your addiction talking. This is your life we're talking about, and YOU are worth the investment and the risk. You deserve to have a life, Y&C. A meaningful, healthy life. YOU ARE WORTH IT! It is in your grasp if you want it. I know you can do it.
IMHO, the smartest thing you could do is bite the bullet and do the 3+ month rehab program. In the greater scheme of things, it is no time at all - just a blip in the span of your life (hopefully, although what you're doing now could shorten your lifespan considerably).
You may not be clean now, but you are YOUNG. Your life spreads out in front of you. If you live through what you are doing to yourself now and don't end up in jail or an institution, then presumably you will eventually reach out for recovery at what ... 30? 40? Still in the same place, still with nothing because everything went to your addiction. So much harder to start over in your 30s or 40s, rather than in your 20s. So many people on this forum are working to do exactly that because they have no choice. YOU have a choice. You can throw everything you have into fixing this problem NOW so that you can have a longer, happier, healthier life.
I understand your fear of failure even with the rehab program, but it is worth the effort and any suggestion to the contrary is your addiction talking. This is your life we're talking about, and YOU are worth the investment and the risk. You deserve to have a life, Y&C. A meaningful, healthy life. YOU ARE WORTH IT! It is in your grasp if you want it. I know you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 340
Hello there, maybe you have to reach the absolute rock bottom. But I am scared that could be death for you. I hope and pray it is not. I pray that you will just hold on to a tiny bit of hope that you can get better. That is all it takes, and I know this from me, just a tiny bit of hope that you can have a great life without drugs. But you really do have to make that decision for yourself, no one else can make it for you.
It is so hard until your head starts to clear up and you can finally see that can happen.
Prayers to you that you get out of this vicious cycle and find a little hope.
It is so hard until your head starts to clear up and you can finally see that can happen.
Prayers to you that you get out of this vicious cycle and find a little hope.
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Well I just did my last, I have no more except a little suboxone to ease with the Withdrawals. Assuming I'm still alive tommorow, I intend to put all of my energy and effort into my recovery. I won't get into details of what I intend to do and what not and all you guys need to know is I've thought things through over and over again and I came to the conclusion that if I fail and end up trying to get high again I will try as hard as possible to get into salvation army or red cross whatever... just my rescue plan. It's not a perfect plan by any means.
When I'm sober I'll keep you guys updated on how I'm doing, whether it's a positive or negative report. God bless all of you!
When I'm sober I'll keep you guys updated on how I'm doing, whether it's a positive or negative report. God bless all of you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Wishing you the best on your journey, Y&C. Not sure why you're suggesting Salvation Army or Red Cross as a back-up plan when your mom is apparently offering you a more comprehensive rehab option - but maybe I'm missing something. Also sounds like you plan to do it the hard way (on your own) rather than the easier way through rehab.
But whatever. Your recovery, your call; you know what's best for you. My prayers are with you. Keep posting for support. You know that we are here for you.
But whatever. Your recovery, your call; you know what's best for you. My prayers are with you. Keep posting for support. You know that we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 340
Hi Seeking Growth, I know we really can't do anything about this, but I am a little concerned about this statement "if I am alive tomorrow." I hope that was not a cry for help? I know you have been following his posts, as I have I and trying to relate and encourage him anyway I can. I guess all we can do is pray, but I am worried that was a cry for help. Oh well, I am just going to keep praying....I am sure you are too.
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
No no no...don't worry Georgia all is okay with me I have had the most unbelievably terrifying panic attacks where I thought I was dieing. I had one last night and it seriously scared me more then I've ever been scared before. Anyways, I've been binging on opiates and staying up all night and feeling both fantastic and horrible at the same time. Maybe I shouldn't be posting on here at all because 'sober recovery' isn't something I'm concerned with. Even though I've been binging, I've learned a lot and have had some much needed insight into some life issues that needed addressing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Your post on 8/19:
So....? Time for your rescue plan? Is your mom's rehab offer still available?
Best of luck to you, Y&C.
Originally Posted by YoungAndClean 
I came to the conclusion that if I fail and end up trying to get high again I will try as hard as possible to get into salvation army or red cross whatever... just my rescue plan.
Best of luck to you, Y&C.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
As this thread has wandered off course....I'm closeing it.
Please do begin another thread if you are interested in living
clean and sober
Everyone deserves a future without drugs...and it's possible to have one.
Thanks everyone....all my best..
Please do begin another thread if you are interested in living
clean and sober
Everyone deserves a future without drugs...and it's possible to have one.
Thanks everyone....all my best..
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