Oh the agony! It's no wonder few ever escape heroin.
Saved By Grace
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Wow marcus you are really reaching through to me right now man. Everything your sayings is resonating in my mind with full volume. As much as I wanted to say $#^ this and walk out the door of the NA meeting I said what the hell and stuck it through. Honestly though... and I hope this is okay to say but first thing I did when I got home was go in the garage and start drinking whiskey from the bottle. Feeling sorry for myself, feeling surreal about this entire thing. Is this happening? Is my life seriously at a crossroads? Could I possibly lose everything over this? Can I do sobriety, can I do regular meetings and all that.......What would I have to give up? What would I have to sacrifice for sobriety??
Going to that meeting sort of amplified the seriousness of my situation. It's like teenagers when they have that false sense of security and almost Godlike defense. You know, nothing can't touch me I'll be alright. I have that. And it's why I ended up back on my DOC. Thinking I could handle it and then once I lost my job and I could see the signs of addiction, telling myself that things would JUST WORK OUT... and I would deal with it WHEN I GOT THERE. WELL IM "THERE" and IT SUCKS!! IT SUCKS BIG TIME.
Now this isn't pleasant, but I'll probley be drinking the rest of the night and if I can I'll wake up tommorow and go to a meeting and either by then have got H or realized I'am actually cut off and have to face facts. I hope all that made sense. I need to know that I can't get my DOC or I will go into survival mode and need it and waste more time drinking and blowing up my dealers phone. Gotta get past this.
Going to that meeting sort of amplified the seriousness of my situation. It's like teenagers when they have that false sense of security and almost Godlike defense. You know, nothing can't touch me I'll be alright. I have that. And it's why I ended up back on my DOC. Thinking I could handle it and then once I lost my job and I could see the signs of addiction, telling myself that things would JUST WORK OUT... and I would deal with it WHEN I GOT THERE. WELL IM "THERE" and IT SUCKS!! IT SUCKS BIG TIME.
Now this isn't pleasant, but I'll probley be drinking the rest of the night and if I can I'll wake up tommorow and go to a meeting and either by then have got H or realized I'am actually cut off and have to face facts. I hope all that made sense. I need to know that I can't get my DOC or I will go into survival mode and need it and waste more time drinking and blowing up my dealers phone. Gotta get past this.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
This is a recovery website and the rules do not condone alcohol / drug use, but I am not your mom either. I totally relate to that feeling of invincibility. That feeling like things are just going to work out or fall into place. And then they don't. I don't know why I thought I could be the one guy who could control my heroin usage. I kept telling myself I would be able to quit when I really wanted to. Then when I tried to quit and fail I would rationalize with myself that I just didn't try hard enough or didn't want it bad enough, but when I really really wanted to quit I would be able to. I finally had to smash that idea. My ego was driving me into the grave. Throw my hands up cry my eyes out and realize I just couldn't do it alone. NA was a great place to start for me, but if it doesn't feel right immediately don't get discouraged. I know u are poor right now but if you have money to score dope you should be able to find some type of treatment center or halfway house or some program where you can get some additional help. Outpatient therapy or whatever it is. Just a place you can start learning some coping skills and not get steamrolled every time using thoughts come your way. It is a long road and I am still trudging along it some days but I truly am happier today then before I drank or used drugs and I did it all. Opiates just seemed to be the thing that put the nail in my coffin. I am actually thankful for it because if it wasn't for heroin I might have stayed out another 10 years drinking and doing coke or popping a few hydros. Sounds crazy I know but you will hopefully be able to relate to that yourself someday. Go to bed! Tomorrow is a new day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Y&C, i'm soo glad you're battling strong. Stay 100% focused. 100%. Do NOT blink. It can be done. You can make it be done. Grit your teeth, commit to yourself, and push, push through this crap like a mom birthing. You're on the road, and your progress was dam hard to achieve. Don't go back. It will only lead to "i shoulda finished this in April 2012. I really had a good start." I'm so rootin for you. Every here is so rootin for you.
--
FYI: I really laughed when you said "That Layne guy, whoever he was." The reason that is hilarious is that he was a celebrity rock god in his day. Worshipped. And yet, you never heard of him. He used to rationalize his H addiction by whining about the burdens of being a millionaire rock star. And you never heard of him. That made my day my friend.
Here's some good info:
Life as a heroin addict YouTube
You're more man now than at any time you feel strong through a chemical buzz. The journey continues, but you're stronger every day. Well done.
--
FYI: I really laughed when you said "That Layne guy, whoever he was." The reason that is hilarious is that he was a celebrity rock god in his day. Worshipped. And yet, you never heard of him. He used to rationalize his H addiction by whining about the burdens of being a millionaire rock star. And you never heard of him. That made my day my friend.
Here's some good info:
Life as a heroin addict YouTube
You're more man now than at any time you feel strong through a chemical buzz. The journey continues, but you're stronger every day. Well done.
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Hello friends,
I woke up with extreme anxiety at 6:30am somewhat hungover and feel that scared feeling deep in soul that things were not okay and I either had to start working to make them better or work to make them worse. So instead of laying in bed trying to fall back asleep I caled my Mother and told her I couldn't pay my phone bill and I asked her if I could borrow the money and she was hesitant because she's not sure yet if I'm committed to sobriety and she doesn't want to enable me. So I said I'll go to a morning AA meeting.
Which I did. I biked 20 minutes which sucked but I arrived at the meeting and it was so good and so helpful and what made the difference in me personally was hearing that 'I do actually have a choice, I'm not powerless over addiction.' And also that 'thoughts are just thoughts, they don't have to be acted on.'
At the begnning of the meeting I kept thinking about how as soon as I left I would search the streets for heroin, but by the end of the meeting I had REALLY LISTENED to what others had shared and I even talked to a younger guy who has 6 months and he helped too. So I came home called my Mom and since I'm doing the right thing she agreed to help me out. Things are looking a lot more optimistic in my life today. I feel like I know what I need to do, and I can do it.
So I'm coming up with a schedule for myself to hit like 2-3 meetings a day everyday, and I'm getting a much needed haircut, cleaning my room, doing laundry. I'm gonna go to the gym later. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna put in work to have the life I know I want and deserve. So I deleted all my heroin contacts and am turning over a new chapter in my life. I'll be sure to post updates on my sobriety and how it's going and the things I'm learning so maybe it will be of help to all you addicts still suffering and feeling like you don't have a choice. It's never to late to try again. Gotta just take that first step!
*Also at the AA meeting there were a few really cute girls my age who had years of sobriety and I was thinking, damn... look what's available to me if I just took care of myself first and got healthy. I'm a handsome guy. I could date one of these chica's and have a healthy, NORMAL relationship for the most part.*
THERES NOTHING FOR ME BEHIND ME. MY FUTURE STARTS TODAY. AND TODAY I WILL NOT DRINK OR DO DRUGS. Thanks for letting me share.
Accepting change- thank you for sharing those videos I watched them all last night and everything they said resonated so much with me. it was so sad to see, a real eye opener. thanks.
I woke up with extreme anxiety at 6:30am somewhat hungover and feel that scared feeling deep in soul that things were not okay and I either had to start working to make them better or work to make them worse. So instead of laying in bed trying to fall back asleep I caled my Mother and told her I couldn't pay my phone bill and I asked her if I could borrow the money and she was hesitant because she's not sure yet if I'm committed to sobriety and she doesn't want to enable me. So I said I'll go to a morning AA meeting.
Which I did. I biked 20 minutes which sucked but I arrived at the meeting and it was so good and so helpful and what made the difference in me personally was hearing that 'I do actually have a choice, I'm not powerless over addiction.' And also that 'thoughts are just thoughts, they don't have to be acted on.'
At the begnning of the meeting I kept thinking about how as soon as I left I would search the streets for heroin, but by the end of the meeting I had REALLY LISTENED to what others had shared and I even talked to a younger guy who has 6 months and he helped too. So I came home called my Mom and since I'm doing the right thing she agreed to help me out. Things are looking a lot more optimistic in my life today. I feel like I know what I need to do, and I can do it.
So I'm coming up with a schedule for myself to hit like 2-3 meetings a day everyday, and I'm getting a much needed haircut, cleaning my room, doing laundry. I'm gonna go to the gym later. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna put in work to have the life I know I want and deserve. So I deleted all my heroin contacts and am turning over a new chapter in my life. I'll be sure to post updates on my sobriety and how it's going and the things I'm learning so maybe it will be of help to all you addicts still suffering and feeling like you don't have a choice. It's never to late to try again. Gotta just take that first step!
*Also at the AA meeting there were a few really cute girls my age who had years of sobriety and I was thinking, damn... look what's available to me if I just took care of myself first and got healthy. I'm a handsome guy. I could date one of these chica's and have a healthy, NORMAL relationship for the most part.*
THERES NOTHING FOR ME BEHIND ME. MY FUTURE STARTS TODAY. AND TODAY I WILL NOT DRINK OR DO DRUGS. Thanks for letting me share.
Accepting change- thank you for sharing those videos I watched them all last night and everything they said resonated so much with me. it was so sad to see, a real eye opener. thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
how goes it Y&C? You're carrying a heavy load. I have deep, deep respect for someone who does what it takes to take care of themselves, takes care of their own problems. You don't need to save the world. But you do need to save yourself. Nobody else can. And you're doing it.
Hoping to hear how you're doing.
Remember, this will change. You feel bad now, but feelings change.
Feelings: a temporary state of mind. A terrible compass for navigating life.
Commitment: A determination to stay the course, regardless of where our feelings, our broken compass, tries to steer us.
Hoping to hear how you're doing.
Remember, this will change. You feel bad now, but feelings change.
Feelings: a temporary state of mind. A terrible compass for navigating life.
Commitment: A determination to stay the course, regardless of where our feelings, our broken compass, tries to steer us.
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Thanks for asking Accepting Change I'm 100% sober thanks to my higher power and the men and women at the AA/NA meetings. I go to at least three meetings a day, everyday. I wake up and first thing I do in the morning is go to a meeting and after that it kind of sets me up for a good productive day. Its been 8 days since I last took suboxone to help with the heroin withdrawals. And 6 days since I've had any alcohol. I feel freckling fantastic. I got a haircut. Been getting a lot of sun, eating healthy. Just staying busy and taking this whole sobriety thing very seriously. I'm gonna get a sponsor and work the 12 steps and all that. Basically I'm doing everything I can do not relapse and stay sober. There are times when I think about using or feel depressed and self-pity but they come and go and are getting better daily. Same with my anxiety. I was extremely anxious for a week after being off opiates. And best of all, that dread I use to feel when waking up has lifted. Each day I've had sober has been so filled with amazing places and people I truly am blessed. Now it comes down to patience and accepting what sobriety really is....'slow-briety'
Thanks for taking the time to ask how iam doing!
Thanks for taking the time to ask how iam doing!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
hey, that's spectacular! I'm so glad you're doing well. It's a big compliment to you, that you're willing to put all your energy in maintaining your health, life and independence.
It really is an extremely difficult thing to get well from. If it weren't difficult, why do so many people die each year from this disease? You are very intelligent when you say Just staying busy and taking this whole sobriety thing very seriously. .
I think that's the key, taking this whole sobriety thing very seriously.
When you do that, you focus. And when you focus, you can accomplish a goal.
Without the seriousness, there is no focus. And then we wander. And then we allow any sickness to conquer us, accept anything. Because we become lazy. Being serious is being not lazy. And being not lazy is being a mature, capable human being.
You've overcome an extremely difficult problem. congrats!.
Here's to seriousness and focus. They lead to good places.
It really is an extremely difficult thing to get well from. If it weren't difficult, why do so many people die each year from this disease? You are very intelligent when you say Just staying busy and taking this whole sobriety thing very seriously. .
I think that's the key, taking this whole sobriety thing very seriously.
When you do that, you focus. And when you focus, you can accomplish a goal.
Without the seriousness, there is no focus. And then we wander. And then we allow any sickness to conquer us, accept anything. Because we become lazy. Being serious is being not lazy. And being not lazy is being a mature, capable human being.
You've overcome an extremely difficult problem. congrats!.
Here's to seriousness and focus. They lead to good places.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 862
Originally Posted by YoungAndClean 
Heroin, king of all drugs. I like to think I began with pot, experimented with shrooms & ecstasy and all that stuff, played around with amphetamines, and graduated to what has to be the most evil insidious substance on the planet, opiates. Other than alcohol I suppose. My drug use left a trail of regrets and unmet potential, some goods times, some great times, a lot of dangerous and financially costly times.
But I reached a point where the only drug I enjoy is opiates. Amps make me have panick attacks and freak out. Pot makes me paranoid. The only two drugs I had to rely one and feed my addict mind became alcohol and opiates ( strong opiates). The weak stuff like hydro's and norcos barely phased me. So for months i would drink to stay away from opiates. And it worked for a while unless I drank to much then I fiended BAD for opiates.
So long story short I found a hook for Heroin and it was on like gangbusters. Lost my job, startednshootingnfor the first time. And would use like every few days and just lay in my room on my comfy bed watching intervention and other tv and movies. I think that's why I love/hate opiates so much, they fit my personality so well and I love relaxing and doing as little physical activity as possible.
But of course opiate addiction always ends in pain, emotional, physical. It's awful. When your high you reach a point when you realize you have to quit, and it feels good, you feel like things I'll be alrit and u can handle it. Then you sober up and reality slaps you in the face and your screaming on the inside going through WD's, working, trying to function around people who don't have your problem and have no idea what your going through.
Im on Day 4 now and staying at my parents and they knowing im sobering up but not from what exactly, and I have to keep it that way. If they knew the truth it would crush them. So I fake a smile, work and slave away in the hot California sun shoveling rocks, picking weeds, and working by the hour to make money because I have a gun of debt aimed at my head and if I stop working I'm done for. This morning I was in such agony I tried contacting my dealer but he cut me off because I made him promise he would in order for me to get clean. But I keep thinking about heroin, how much better life seemed just a week ago. And now reality it suffocating. Sobriety is terrified, I'm terrified. I'm 26 and I hate getting older and having responsibility and bills and all that crap. God it blows!!
Oh how I long for the days of artificial happiness and my fake tools of coping with the stresses of life. Someways i feel like what's the point I should just sell all my possessions and become a street junkie. It's not like people with possessions and normal lives and sobriety are that much happier anyways. How good can life be if I'm not high on opiates anyways? But a better part tells me I'm an addict, and its time to go to AA/NA, church, whatever...to get support and finally after almost ten years of chemically modifying my moods, find a way to live sober. And with a few sober days under my belt, I feel like I'm on my way. My torturous, exhausting, way
But I reached a point where the only drug I enjoy is opiates. Amps make me have panick attacks and freak out. Pot makes me paranoid. The only two drugs I had to rely one and feed my addict mind became alcohol and opiates ( strong opiates). The weak stuff like hydro's and norcos barely phased me. So for months i would drink to stay away from opiates. And it worked for a while unless I drank to much then I fiended BAD for opiates.
So long story short I found a hook for Heroin and it was on like gangbusters. Lost my job, startednshootingnfor the first time. And would use like every few days and just lay in my room on my comfy bed watching intervention and other tv and movies. I think that's why I love/hate opiates so much, they fit my personality so well and I love relaxing and doing as little physical activity as possible.
But of course opiate addiction always ends in pain, emotional, physical. It's awful. When your high you reach a point when you realize you have to quit, and it feels good, you feel like things I'll be alrit and u can handle it. Then you sober up and reality slaps you in the face and your screaming on the inside going through WD's, working, trying to function around people who don't have your problem and have no idea what your going through.
Im on Day 4 now and staying at my parents and they knowing im sobering up but not from what exactly, and I have to keep it that way. If they knew the truth it would crush them. So I fake a smile, work and slave away in the hot California sun shoveling rocks, picking weeds, and working by the hour to make money because I have a gun of debt aimed at my head and if I stop working I'm done for. This morning I was in such agony I tried contacting my dealer but he cut me off because I made him promise he would in order for me to get clean. But I keep thinking about heroin, how much better life seemed just a week ago. And now reality it suffocating. Sobriety is terrified, I'm terrified. I'm 26 and I hate getting older and having responsibility and bills and all that crap. God it blows!!
Oh how I long for the days of artificial happiness and my fake tools of coping with the stresses of life. Someways i feel like what's the point I should just sell all my possessions and become a street junkie. It's not like people with possessions and normal lives and sobriety are that much happier anyways. How good can life be if I'm not high on opiates anyways? But a better part tells me I'm an addict, and its time to go to AA/NA, church, whatever...to get support and finally after almost ten years of chemically modifying my moods, find a way to live sober. And with a few sober days under my belt, I feel like I'm on my way. My torturous, exhausting, way
In these instances methadone functions for those dependent on external opioids in much the same way insulin does for the diabetic.
A methadone doctor is qualified to make that assessment.
I'm aware US methadone clinics can be an (expensive) nightmare journey into soviet-caliber violations of basic human rights - we all can't be served in normal everyday pharmacies by real professionals for $80 a month like here in Canada :P - so I'm by no means encouraging this option, just letting you know it could be of assistance if all else fails.
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Hey marbles I'm doing fantastic I'm 11 days sober and going to 1-3 AA/NA meetings everyday. Im going to the gym nearly every day and have just thrown myself into productivity and improving my life. I have a sponsor and am starting to work the steps. I'm also enrolled in summer courses at university to finish my last year of college. Since being sober I've gained the support of my parents again and they have been so helpful buying my groceries and loaning me money for bills and what not. I just tell myself to keep doing the right thing and things will improve.....slowly. And they have I look and feel better and I'm not rellying on suboxone or methadone, not even nicotine. I still get a trigger here and there for opiates but it's getting easier everyday and I just no there is no future in using or drinking for me. Now I'm starting to think about girls again, and clothes, and going to the movies and getting coffee and playing pool and normal **** I should be into. To avoid the boredom fom the minute I wake up around 6:30am to bedtime I am on the go. Long gone are the days of me isolating in my room watching tv and playing video games. Using. Now I'm finding a better way of life one day at a time. Reading SR is great and very helpful and thanks for asking how immdoing, it feels good to report that I'm still clean and have not rellapsed. Have a great day and stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 217
It's so awesome to read how much things have changed for you already. Keep on keeping on and things will only get better!!! Remember that the thoughts are just thoughts and you don't have to act on them.. That helps me a lot whenever I get a craving. Great to hear your doing well
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Hey everyone, today is 30 days clean and sober! It's a trip too because today also happens to be my birthday (27) and my cousins wedding down in LA. A lot has happened in those 30 days and it's amazing how much life can open up to you in ways that it never would have when we're heavily sedated & loaded. For me, the program of AA has been my rock. Getting out of my head for an hour and getting the support of other addicts keeps me sober. When I get opiate cravings and yes, I do get them and they are extremely intense, I think about having to start this process over and losing friends from AA, losing my sponsor, and losing my family's support. I have so much to lose and this disease will take it all and more if do heroin or opiates. For me, I'm not in sober living and have alcohol and pot around pretty much 24/7 but have had no problem at all staying away from that stuff. All I miss and crave and truly want is opiates. They just feel so good. So since I know I can't do them I haven't spent my time lying around watching Netflix and playing video games, I've been going to the gym, playing golf, meeting young people at AA meetings, thinking about girls, working and making money. And I've found countless pleasures in the smaller things in life now that I would never have been able to.
I'll finish by saying that opiates are cunning & powerful, my mind always goes to the good times when that warm rush comes over me. It doesn't go to the part where I'm in bed anxiety filled sweating up my sheets and kicking my legs all crazy because I have so many aches and feel so depressed. Despite this I knew if I stumbled upon a bottle of pills there is a 85% chance I would relapse. So having no opiates around is absolutely crucial. It's been tough, real tough, as early sobriety always is. But I'm hanging in there, thanks for letting me share, and just for today I will not get loaded!
I'll finish by saying that opiates are cunning & powerful, my mind always goes to the good times when that warm rush comes over me. It doesn't go to the part where I'm in bed anxiety filled sweating up my sheets and kicking my legs all crazy because I have so many aches and feel so depressed. Despite this I knew if I stumbled upon a bottle of pills there is a 85% chance I would relapse. So having no opiates around is absolutely crucial. It's been tough, real tough, as early sobriety always is. But I'm hanging in there, thanks for letting me share, and just for today I will not get loaded!
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