Gew

I read your thread all the way through. I could totally relate 2 everything you said then reading your last post made my heart sink (bit dramatic)
But again, I can totally relate. Im on my 2nd try at this 'going clean' business and this time its working. I done meth script this time. I was exactly like u, I didnt need help I could do it alone. So last crimbo I done a raw cluck and it wasnt pretty. As soon as I was better I was back on it. This time I havent touched a pin since feb this year.
Wats the latest with you now? No1 sed this was gona b easy and i'm not 1 for 'sharing my feelings' but I have 2 admit that talking with people in the same situation kinda helps!

DyingInside

My heart sank as well... such a difficult struggle!!

I can't imagine how hard it would be to get off of heroin...

tj77012

Hey Y@C glad to see u fighting a hard fight, keep going. You also seem really smart and driven. Have you ever thought about writing books????? I say that because you tell stories really well.

YoungAndClean

Well guys idmfigure idcheck in. Still binging.... Can't always find H so I've been doing blow and crystal which is totally unlike me but when I'm in a downward spiral like this I really don't care what they'll it is, I'll lie to myself believing it will make me feel better. As far as BlueLight I don't post there I just lurk and look for bits and pieces of stories, advice, and what not that I can apply to myself. I cannot stress how disappointed in myself I'm for falling back down the gutter again.

Crazy story: so I'm up all night smoking crystal or whatever this crap we get out in Cali is (I wouldn't even call it meth). And my plan is pull an all nighter studying and smoking/doing lines right? Well as the night progresses I'd have to say 75% of my time was spent playing Modern Warfare 3 on the PS3 instead of studying. So 5am came suddenly, like it always does with speed. Andim like **** should I even try to sleep or just face the day. So I sort of half sleep for an hour and the suns coming up and normal people are starting their days. And I try and clean up and hop on my bike tired as **** to get to th bus station, from the bus station to my university where I was stuck in class for 3 hours thinking I was gonna have a ******* heart attack. I have insane anxiety. Pure hypochondriac, I've diagnosed myself with every fatal disease there is. So after class I'm walking around the university and aim sluggish and just have this overwhelming sense that today was the day I pushed the envelope too far. I look at my hands, they turn completely white and and green veins are showing everywhere. My arms and stomach have this yellow hue. So I'm like totally alone laying down on the grass convinced im having heart failure. I go to th school health facility and tell the lady look I'm dying my heart rate is insanely high, so high... That I couldn't even count a full minute out of fear of knowing I was ******. So because I don't have insure they couldn't help me. So I almost call a taxi to go to the hospital, I almost thought of calling911 I was taking valiums to try and help but all that did was make me dizzy and stumble around. Anyways it was extremely traumatic and I had no money but I just had to make it home, ifmimcould make it home everything would be alright. So I beg for some bus fare and finally get home and just lay in my room terrifyed constently looking at my hands and thennchcking my lips to make sure they weren't blue. As convinced as I was that I would die due to lack of oxygen or a heart attack, I kept using! Like I felt all these heart palpitations and **** and like the next day I bought some H and that like brought me back to happiness. For 1 day. Now the next day imgetmsome sleep and feel like holy **** that's over, I'm okay, it was just anxiety. So what do I do? I try andgrtmsome h and crystal thinking so long as I have H everything will be okay, my anxiety won't take over. Well the crystal came through, but the H didn't.

So here I'm... Spun... Spent the last 2-3 weeks barely eating, IV both H and coke but not meth for some reason. AND JUST IN TOTAL DENIAL. I cannot believe I relapsed and fell back down the rabbit hole and I just can't get thecourage to get to an AA/NA meeting. I stopped working out, I just stopped giving a **** about college again. ****.

For me a drug is a drug is a drug. If I drink I want heroin. If I do coke I want heroin. Yet I have so many healthy goals and aspirations I want badly too. I'm tired of being the liar untrustworthy drug addict of the family. I had so much ******* fun those 60 days I was sober I found a solution, but I went back to what I've been telling myself since started taking substances. 'Wouldnt it just be that much better on X,Y,Z?" all I know is how to self medicate. I'm struggling with OCD, ADD, Addiction, Depression, and a very very addictive personality.

So anyone whose reading this, please help me break through my pride and forgive myself and go back to AA/NA and stand up again and say hi, my name is Evan andmim an alcoholic. What Iam though is a poly-substance user that abuses the **** out of everything. The word moderation does not mean anything to me, I never use it.

Spending all my money on hard drugs thinking I won't lose out on my goals needs to be smashed. I'm in a very tight position right now and even when I was sober was walking a very fine line between family, finances, and not letting sobriety bring me down so much. Damn sobriety.... So good for me, so right, so everything I need, but oh so difficult to face when your at the bottom of what looks like mount Everest and thinking tomyourself you failed before, how will it work this time? How will I reach the mountain top, how will anything ever be the same now that I've tasted the allure of drugs. Cunning baffling, powerful.

Young&Wasted signing off.

mayabee

My heart goes put to you, Evan. You sound like my son who had 7 months sober and then went back out. He has used many substances but crystal is his favorite. It brought him so far down and has had some scary experiences with it similar to yours. Hope you will get yourself back to meetings. You are obviously intelligent and insightful and also in a great deal of pain. I hope you will find your way back to sobriety.

Marcus

It doesn't take long to fall. I know the feeling. Your post on 7/3 talked about how you were thinking about getting back to some social drinking. Sounds like that lasted a day or two. Some people might have that luxury but for sickos like us it is inevitably an express train to hell.

I had to do my best to stay in the moment. Obsessing about the past or the future was a sure fire way to spin my head into using. Just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Small victories. You didn't get here in a day and you are not going to solve it in a day (or 60 days for that matter). All I wanted in my life was some peace. Just a little bit of happiness. I felt like I was trudging through each and every day whether I was stoned or sober. If you can find a way to be content in the moment it makes life livable. Like I said small victories. Push yourself to do the little things that can help you build back some integrity. Make you feel like a human being again rather than a crazed animal.

Don't let this get any more out of hand. The sooner you pick yourself up and dust yourself off the easier it will be, but no it will not be easy. Great things never are. I can promise you it will get worse. Much worse. Jails, institutions, and death as they say. One day at a time - one moment at a time.

Be Good!

Marcus

So what's up man? You think you are the first guy to go down this path? Nobody understands you? I don't buy it. That is bull ******* ****! I was banging 2 grams of raw a day. Completely lost touch with reality. I felt like I was the one guy who just couldn't live a sober life. Not trying to be harsh, but **** that. Yeah you have some physical hell to go through, but it can be done. You strung together 60 days and I know you said it was rough, but seems like a picnic compared to where you are at now right? There is hope. There is a solution. Time to grab onto it like you never have before. The time is now. I am not sure why I feel the need to reach out to you but I know you are close. You are on the verge of something new and amazing or something sick and deadly. You have a choice. You have a chance! You can come back. Let's do this! Life is too short. Stop killing yourself my man. Make a change. Make a difference. Peace!

likehappiness

Y&C....get yourself cleaned back up and go back to meetings. NO ONE there has done their sobriety perfect. Almost all of us have had an issue at one time or another. The point is we GO BACK to the meetings.

I was off for a whole year and relapsed for a short time. ARG...gave up a whole year. My husband was disappointed but not more than myself. AA/NA will not turn you away. That is it whole point. We have all been there. It is hard. But being an addict is worse. That euphoria and flying high only last a day or two and then your are back in the crap hole and I am thinking you didn't want to be the in the first place. Learn from your experience. You CAN NOT control your addiction. It controls you. Suck it up and make sure you ask for some help. As I said we have all been there. You went through withdrawal once...do it again and start from scratch. God forgives and so do others....now clean up and forgive yourself and move forward.

YoungAndClean

God you guys are all so right and I know it. My addiction has been controlling me I've been IV coke, heroin, smoking meth. Right now I've been up 48hrs straight and I just keep pushing cleaning up and getting back to meetings and sobriety until tommorow. I'm depressed miserable, using again, wasting money, but it's like I like it. It's self indulgence and selfish behavior all Ive been thinking about is how am I gonna get high today. I'd have had 90 days now had I not relapsed. I really don't want to start over but I can't continue using either. I hate being me right now, maybe today I'll go to a meeting finally after weeks of binging.

YoungAndClean

Today I have one goal and that is to go to an AA or NA meeting. I think if I can just go to 1 it will break the ice and I can try the whole improving myself instead of slowly committing suicide.

Btw thank you Marcus for sticking with me and telling it like it is. I'm 27, but I'm mentally a scared child who doesn't want to face the fact that I have a potentially life threatening problem. I want to whine about it, have denial about it, anything but work to do something about it.

So today I'll start small, just 1 meeting and then at the end of the day I'll let u guys know if I accomplished my goal or not.

SeekingGrowth

It's not really selfish behavior, as that would suggest that you are doing something to benefit the self. In fact, your using is doing nothing at all that benefits the self, only the Addict within you. And the Addict cares nothing at all about the Self. Your actions are damaging to your Self in so many ways -- you are damaging your physical health, your mental health, jeopardizing your financial well-being, your relationships, your present, your future.

Have you ever seen the movie Alien 3 with Sigourney Weaver? At the end, she knows that there is an alien growing within her that will destroy her and those around her. Reminds me of addiction - the Beast within that takes the Self hostage.

Thinking about you as you contemplate beginning the journey of recovery again, and sending you lots of positive energy and support.

Katiekate

Hi, thinking about you.

Katie

likehappiness

Hey Y&C hope you are doing okay. I hope you can get some strength to get and stay sober. I too liked to IV drugs but it got me NO WHERE and with a lot of extra problems. Would I like that high one more time? Yeah maybe...But I want my sobriety more and the two don't go together at all.

You can do it!

YoungAndClean

Still using, went to a meeting yesterday, felt back at home there at AA even though coming to grips with this disease is so depressing and people didn't talk to me because I straight up admitted to being under the influence. Being an addict... it's really quite simple, I continue to chase the high until jail, death, or institutions. Or I accept the reality, that I'll never be able to drink like other people, use any kind of drugs, that I will have to humble myself and face these demons inside me. I'm a HUGE addict and therefore cannot use any drug what so ever responsibly. The hooks are in me deep, years of self-medicating and I am so stunted socially and mature wise. I've got demons just like so many of you know about that want me dead. I'm not alone in this situation and so many of you out there are struggling to either get sober or stay sober. It's a hard battle, I'm so discouraged of starting it again because I don't believe I'll be able to stay sober. Maybe days, weeks, months, doubtfully years, but for me to not ruin everything and have a managable life I cannot take another mind altering substance for the rest of my life.

I just have to choose if I want to live or get high, because I can't do both anymore. But today I did get high and use the last of my H and I need to just throw the crystal out too and everything drug related because if I have it around me I'll use it.

I'm starting to sound like a broken record on here and I'm sorry for all the whining guys. I'm a grown man (27), and I'm an addict and only God can keep me sober if thats what I want and I'll have everything if I do what he wants me to do but if I keep following my own path I'll endure more pain misery and more wasted opportunity if I don't. It's disgusting how the only times I want to get sober are when I'm not-sober. I wish I could say I am gonna throw all my stash out and give this sober thing another chance. But I'm not gonna face it for right now, I'm gonna lay in bed playing video games and try as hard as I can to be grateful and happy for all the wonderful things I have and have had in the past.

Just checking in, i'm going to relax and try to get my mind off drugs.

mayabee

I think I kind of understand what you mean when you say the only time you want to get sober is when you are not sober. Kind of - I haven't been there myself - but when my son is high he seems able make grandiose plans about quitting and, while feeling somewhat good (albeit high) he has some clarity about his situation. When he is not high, he feels had and wants only to get high again. Then the cycle starts again. I certainly am in no position to give advice since I have not been in your situation, but from all I have seen, heard and read you have to somehow push past the withdrawal and get back on the path. Obviously you know the consequences of not getting sober. I hope you will get there eventually. Take care. I hope that you keep going to meetings. Even if no one speaks to you because you are under the influence, they care and you'll get something out of being around sober people.

YoungAndClean

Just wanted to let you guys know I flushed everything and no longer have possession of any mind altering drugs. From here on out its my anti-depressant, exercise, and being very gentle with myself. I put myself through hell for a couple weeks there and I'm smart enough to know that I will do it again if I don't find reasons to care about myself and well being. I'm gonna take a different approach this time and see how it goes, wish me luck.

Chrisy

Good Luck!!!!!

peaceinthepines

I wish you the best of luck!
At least you keep trying, and that is important.
I'm the mom of a 23 yr old son who is currently on day 28 clean of heroin. He was very sick for awhile, but he's really doing well right now. I told him I've been following your story here on SR (and really rooting for you!) and he encouraged me to write something to you telling you that you can do it. (He says if he can, then you can, too!)
I am so thankful for his sobriety right now and the wonderful time we are spending together, I hope more than anything he is done once and for all (this isn't his first attempt), and I hope the same for you!! Don't give up, IT CAN BE DONE!!!:ghug3

mayabee

Good for you!

likehappiness

Y&C you can do think. Unfortunately you have to go through *&^^ to get there but you can do it. You did it before. Good luck and keep us posted. Pray and stay strong.