Hello there, maybe you have to reach the absolute rock bottom. But I am scared that could be death for you. I hope and pray it is not. I pray that you will just hold on to a tiny bit of hope that you can get better. That is all it takes, and I know this from me, just a tiny bit of hope that you can have a great life without drugs. But you really do have to make that decision for yourself, no one else can make it for you.
It is so hard until your head starts to clear up and you can finally see that can happen.
Prayers to you that you get out of this vicious cycle and find a little hope.