Zencat

Good to read your feeling a bit better today Tyler. The hospital bed...LOL...that is wacky. I hope you'll be able to attend that therapy group. I know the one I'm in over at the Mental Health Department is good for me.

LaFemme

Hi Tyler...gllad you met with the doc and changed some stuff around

Best I can say is stay sober and give the meds a chance to get you in balance.

I don't know anything about the depression. You are going through but I know that practicing gratitude in the gratitude section. Here makes a huge difference for me. Especially when you aren't feeling grateful taking g a moment each day to Fonda something can help.

Big hugs...LaFemme

tyler

I think I need to seriously consider getting another job. It's really a shame, because I work for a really good company. What they are asking for me is not unreasonable, but, for me, it just seems overwhelming. They are again pushing the "business lead" strategy of asking customers for leads where they work, and for whatever reason, I just can't get comfortable with it. When I met with them yesterday to discuss it, I could just feel that black cloud come over me. When I lay in bed last night trying to fall asleep I kept obsessing over it, and what would happen if I couldn't do it, and if I couldn't do it, what the point of going on was, etc.

I think a large part of it is my stubborn pride. I don't want to admit that I "can't" do this. I guess I really can, but at what cost? Of course the other part is that it is a good company, with great benefits and I make pretty good money there. However, I don't suppose any of that matters if the job drives me to the point of wanting to end it all. I just have no idea what to do for a living. I've been in sales for over 10 years and a radio DJ for the 10 before that. That's all I've ever done, and neither is an option now.

Well, gotta get to work. Just wanted to get this down, so I wouldn't minimize it and just blow off how I'm feeling until too late. Thanks for everyone's help and suggestions. Take care.

LaFemme

Hey Tyler....I'm a big believer in doing what you love or at least not doing something You hate....might account for my poverty though )

Still if the job depressed you that much look into alternatives...maybe just seeing what's out there will cheer you up

Hugs.

tyler

Started keeping a journal last night. The emotions have been so all over the place, but when I go see the doctor I often forget how things have been in the days and weeks past.

I wish I could say I thought things were getting better, but I don't feel like they are. Still don't know how to manage the stress of my job. Still have no idea what I would for a different job. Still feeling generally overwhelmed by life, even though I don't think my life is particularly unmanageable. I keep trying to "will" myself into a better frame of mind, but just feel dull and empty.

I realize some of this is due to adjusting to medication, but it is hard not to wonder if it will ever get better. I'm trying to just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving, but it is taking a greater and greater effort each day.

To be honest, I feel like I'm being a whiny little b*tch. I know there are so many people out there that have things much worse than I do, but knowing that doesn't change the way I feel. It just makes me feel guilty for feeling that way.

Gotta get ready for work. Thanks for listening to my whining.

jamdls

I think keeping a journal is a great idea Tyler! Journaling has helped me immensely off and on over the years. Sorry your job is giving you such angst, would being unemployed be better? Don't know how jobs are where you live but in most of the country it doesn't seem like it would be a good idea to give up a good paying job with good benefits unless of course staying would do you more harm than say being unemployed. I've been unhappy with my job for quite some time but the pay is good the benefits are great so I "suck it up".

recycle

I have found journaling to be a great help in sorting things out. I just let the ideas flow, and that process does a lot to sort things out. I would not worry about whining, if I did not want to listen, I would not read it. I am struggling with work too, and it helps me to listen to others. The ‘suck it up’ option that Judy pointed out is becoming increasingly unattractive to me. I cannot escape the feeling that there are simply not enough days in this life to toil away at something I do not have a feeling for.

(Judy you are obviously made of sterner stuff than me. I just wanna play in the sunshine - Good work if you can get it.)

tyler

I'm not to the point where I'm going to just walk away from the job, I hope not to get to that point. However, job related stress has played a major part in my mental health issues, including 3 hospitalizations. Even though I have very good insurance through work, my last 7 day stay at the funny farm ended up costing me about $1200, not counting lost income. So it's getting to be kinda a lose/lose situation. Hopefully I can find something else that I can do, that I can manage stress wise, and make enough money to get by.

My expenses are pretty low, especially since I'm not smoking all my money, so I can afford to take a pay cut, if necessary. However, what I don't want to do is trade this job for something that would be equally bad. The job I have now is not a bad job, and the company is good. The problem is the fit with me. Anyway, lunch is over, back to it. Thanks for everyone's input and for listening.

tyler

Today I actually feel good. Still have the same problems with work, but for whatever reason, they just seem more manageable. I started feeling more clear headed last night and it has continued into today. Hopefully it isn't just a "peak" on the roller coaster. Anyway, just thought I'd check in.

mistycshore

Sheesh, Tyler, maybe if you tried really hard, you'd find another thought process with which to flail and thrash yourself. I think about AIDS orphans sometimes when I'm getting unhappy with some things in my life not being good enough. But during the deep, dark times, thoughts of AIDS orphans do not help at all.

Glad you are feeling better now.

I'm a gamer too. I have a PS3. Wish I had an Xbox. I'm having a blast with Portal 2. I doubt PS3 and Xbox can play together online, but if they could, we'd have a blast!

Hang tough, bro.